dontdieonmeyet

we were friends

we were in love

we were dating

and then we became distant

and now it's like we are who we are when we first met

and when people ask me "what are you two?"

i say the three things, a fourth

in a world filled with cameras

disappearing is comfort

for i am not photogenic

as others would like.

i picture myself as less visible,

a motionless blur

drawn from memory

made from the outlines

of mismatched colours

formless yet hoping

that i could be seen

like auras and dreams.

in a world filled with cameras

i am edges and corners

like nighttime photography

or a skyline too big for its canvas

which captures in a click

less than was witnessed.

in a world filled with cameras

i blink and say cheese

i turn at the last second

i walk through the shot

and i forget to turn on the flash.

i am not the star

that was grounded to earth

waving in crowds

or held at arms length

i am an empty battery

missing important moments

invisible and unseen

grief allows us to shed more than our tears

it is also skin we once wore

the items we once held

the light we once craved

the sickness killed much more than me

the timelines severed and altered dreams

i wore a mask and hoped to become

the things i dream, to fall asleep

it feels unfair to say this so

to tell that world i stay alone

the sickness killed much more than me

tension in my jaw

a wisp of light

spins around my forehead

lava on my tongue

open winds won't douse me

maybe you saw their face

the person you didn't know you needed to avoid

filled with apprehension

fear and guilt

I don't want flowers

i used to fear coming off desperate

staring at read receipts and

checking my phone

hoping they'd reply

purely aiming to satisfy

my ego and vanity

what greater way to reject

reality than to ignore it entirely

and write myself into this fiction

where i am always a page behind

I practice harder than I need to

Hoping that when the time comes

I can do it subconsciously

the easiest part about not being here

is knowing that the space i leave will open me up to galaxies and distant planets

as i sit in your orbit, i recognise that there is no sun or moon

no day or night cycle

only the endless darkness

one which my light cannot balance out