i dunno

these ones

sick! of not living in a cottage with the love of my life and our several large dogs!

@ppl who get embarrassed bc they responded “you too” to a server who told them to enjoy their meal: if your first instinct is to be polite & friendly even when you’re not necessarily paying attention you have nothing to b embarrassed about

The guy next to me in a coffee shop is telling his date ‘You know you girls are all liars. Well, not all, but I’d say 80%. More than half.’

‘Girls think they have power over men by using sex as a bargaining chip and they don’t.‘

Now he’s telling her about a ‘psycho’ date he had who started telling him how ‘patronizing’ he was OUT OF NOWHERE

He’s a musician but he says he couldn’t date any of the ‘sheep’ who come to his gigs.

He’s been talking about himself literally nonstop since I sat down fifteen minutes ago. The scariest thing is the girl is listening actively, leaning forward, and smiling and giggling while I’m mentally screaming ‘Run, girl, run!’

Now he’s talking about gig he did for the troops in Afghanistan and how dangerous it was. ‘I could have been shot by a sniper at any second. But I was making people human. I was keeping them from going crazy. I was playing bass and crowd-surfing on my back. We were treated like ACDC. I had a prejudice about the military but you see the armed forces for what they are. They’re good people.’

Now he’s giving her a detailed history lesson on Greco-Turkish military conflict. I swear I’m not making any of this up.

no way could i have gotten through that date

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Deported to where?

UM YEAH HI THAT’S SCARY LET’S PUT AN END TO THAT IMMEDIATELY

This one time I was at a street festival hosted by my Uni and there was a guy doing card tricks. I was watching him when I noticed he dropped a card. (7 of spades) I quickly pu my shoe in it and then bent down to act like I was tying my shoe. He then asks for a volunteer so I raise my hand. He asks me to say the name of a card at random so I say “7 of spades” he does his trick that I guess was supposed to make it come on top. He holds up the Ace of Hearts and says “is this your card?” And I hold up the card and said “no but this is” and the crowd LOST IT. I handed the card back to the magician and walked away. Later he comes up to me and asks me how I did it. I looked him in the eye, smiled and said “magicians never reveal their secrets” and walked away.

this is some god tier trickery and i love it

whenever i see a baby in public i wish i were like a powerful faerie god mother character who could give the baby a gift like “you’ll never get a cold” or “math will always make sense to you” or something like bein’ great with string instruments but I don’t have any powers that I know of but it doesn’t stop me from trying so every time I see a baby in public I tell the adult with it “what a beautiful baby” and it makes them smile and then I pretend I can take the goodness of their smile and I look at the baby and I think very hard “you will have a good life, even if it’s hard, you will end up happy” and I’m just hopin’ the magic kicks in at some point

faerie: for your service, I will grant you one boon me: cool can it be the power to grant boons faerie, looking through the manual: uh,

when you can sense a Mood incoming and feel like a farmer standing in a field looking out at the horizon as the storm approaches like “looks like it’s gonna be a bad one, boys”

all mosquitoes deserve to die

Awww, come on dude, don’t be like that. I mean, you know the ecosystem would collapse without them :o

Actually fun fact, mosquitoes are one of the few species that if they went extinct, the ecosystem wouldn’t be affected very much and no real harm would come from removing mosquitoes entirely !

Let The Extermination Begin