That's Me Trying

Judy was just saying it as a passing comment. Not for pity, but because she believed it was true. There was a lot from her past that made her feel like she wasn’t deserving and that was just fact. So she was caught off guard when Jo interjected. She didn’t think about it that way and probably wouldn’t have ever if it wasn’t for Jo. All Judy could do was stare at her daughter, her bottom lip shaking as tears fell down her cheeks. All she could ever ask for was forgiveness and conditional love. But the trust that Jo was willing to give her meant more to her than anything. 

“Oh, Jo.” She pulled the younger woman into her arms again. “It means so much to me that you feel that way. I know my actions need to speak for me, but I promise you I’ll never do anything to jeopardize that trust. Now that I’ve got you back, I’m never losing you again.” Judy tightened her hold on Jo for a few moments before finally letting go. 

When she pulled back, they were both a mess and Judy chuckled. “Oh my goodness, look at us.” It was the second time they’d ended up like this and she thought back to her therapist’s words about the how the presence of tears means there’s healing. “I love you, Jo,” Judy went on, cupping her daughter’s face before wiping her eyes. “Now let’s finish this house tour and get to lunch before we start the waterworks up again, hm?” She joked, running her fingers under her own eyes. “I can’t wait to see how you’ve decorated.”

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Jo hadn’t meant to get them both worked up again.  But the plain and simple fact of it was that Judy needed to know these things.  Needed to know that the work she was putting in on herself wasn’t going unacknowledged, or unnoticed.  That her efforts meant something.  Because without that, it would be all too easy to think that backsliding didn’t mean anything either.  And having finally met the best version of her mother, Jo didn’t want to see her become anything else but that.  “I’m glad to hear it,” she murmured against her mother’s shoulder.  “Being lost once was hard.  Being lost twice...I don’t know how any of us could bear that.”

It was such a simple comment, but one that meant the world to Judy. ‘You’re still my mom.’ She lingered on the feeling those words gave her and memorized it, filing it away for those days when things seemed to be too hard. It would remind her of what she was fighting for, who she was staying sober for. Now that they were rebuilding their relationship, there was no way she could fall off the wagon again. 

Judy nodded in agreement, happy that she could just insert a part of herself into Jo’s home. At the news, she clapped her hands excitedly. There were days that she thought about changing her last name all because she wanted nothing more to do with Russell, but it wasn’t about him anymore. It was sharing that bond with her daughters. And now she had a new one. As soon as DJ joined them, Judy pulled her into a hug as well. “Welcome to the family, sweetheart. And Jo, darling. I’m proud of you. I know I didn’t deserve this. So, thank you for letting me into your life.”

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Judy’s reaction to the news was much like Jo’s own, and it made her smile brightly in response - if her mom could appreciate how much it meant to have DJ in their family, that was all she could ask.  A small furrow did appear between her eyes, though, at her mother’s words.  When the hug was through she set a hand on Judy’s arm and spoke in quiet sincere tones.  “Here’s the thing, Mom.  And it took me a long time to learn this.  I can’t judge what you deserve.  That’s not my place.  I don’t know what any of us deserve.  What I do know is this.”

Her breath hitched a little in her chest.  “What I know is that you’re trying to show that I can trust you.  That all of us can.  And that’s what I can give you, is my trust.  Because I see you putting in the work.  I see a light in your eyes that I never saw when I was a kid, that I never saw before I ran.  And that light is what makes me trust you.  Unless and until you give me a reason to change my mind, you’ll have my trust.  And you’re welcome in my life.”  She rubbed at her eyes.  “And I’m proud of you too.  You’re not the person you were.  The person he made you.  You’re a better version of yourself.  One that I’m proud to call my mother.”

Being sober was something she was doing for all of her daughters as well as herself, but it was a specific promise she made to Jo, so she felt like she was the one that was entitled to hearing about her progress. Not to mention, with how far they’d come since their last meeting, it felt good to hear that praise come from her daughter. But she reminded herself before their lunch not to make this about herself. 

The shift seemed to pay off when she noticed a smile from Jo that was bigger than she’d seen in a long time. Judy’s smile only grew and she had the urge to hug Jo all over again. Tears brimmed her eyelids, but she blinked them away. “Oh, hunny, you don’t have to worry about cursing in front of me. We’re both adults here. But I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. I’m so happy that you’ve found someone that makes you this happy. Now show me your place and where we can put this plant I got you. It stands for strength, flexibility, and health.”

.

It still hurt to see tears in Judy’s eyes, whether they be good or bad.  All of her daughters had seen those tears before, and under much worse circumstances.  But Jo did her best not to let the sight throw her, silently reminding herself that they weren’t something to be upset about anymore.  “You’re still my mom,” she laughed softly.  “It feels weird to swear in front of you and not worry about getting in trouble.”

She took in the sight of the plant, committing the symbolism to memory in case anyone asked.  “For now, let’s put that in the kitchen by the sink - it gets lots of light.  But please, come in, I’ll show you all the sights.  I should tell you, too, that you’ve gained a daughter since the last time I saw you.  DJ’s name has been legally changed to Fabray.”

There were still so many bad habits to unlearn, one of them being the lack of affection she shared with her daughters as they got older. Russell telling her that they were too old for hugs and that it would sissify them. Like a good submissive, of course Judy listened, but now she was going to hug them as much as she could. No matter how awkward it felt. “I’ve been wonderful,” she exclaimed, ready to gush about her new boyfriend but refraining from doing so. Instead she lead with something her daughter was going to be more happy to hear. “I’m officially four and a half months sober and have been going to AA meetings every week. I’m doing it honey, and I haven’t been better.” She cupped Jo’s face and offered a smile. “But enough about me. I want to hear about you. How’s the life of an official claim? I’m so proud of you, Jo-Jo.”

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Jo’s smile was warm and genuine as she listened to Judy’s news.  There had been a time she never would have imagined that her mother would make that kind of personal progress, and it still shocked her a little to know that she’d come so far.  “That is so great, Mom.  I’m so incredibly proud of you, and how far you’ve come.”  She leaned into Judy’s palm with a soft sigh.  “You deserve it.  To be happy, to feel like yourself, and most of all to be free.  It’s long overdue.”  The shift in conversation made her smile all the bigger.

“I don’t even have the words for it.  The whole idea of a claim, of being a Fabray dominant, used to scare the shit out of me - sorry, scare the crap out of me.  Because I never wanted to be Russell.  But I’m so proud of what we’ve built, and how much better DJ’s made me.  I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.”

Judy took a deep breath. Every time she walked past the front gates of the school, she wasn’t reminded of some old memory. Instead she pictured herself and Jo, clutching each other as years of trauma came to a head. There was still so much to do, so much work for Judy, and so much to make up for. As long as her daughters would give her a chance, she was going to take it. Judy stopped by the flower shop and bought a plant for her daughters apartment. She knew how vulnerable Jo was being by inviting her to her apartment and she wasn’t planning on taking it lightly. With the bamboo plant in her arm, she knocked on the door. Then when she was let in, she couldn’t help but pull Jo into a hug as soon as the plant was set down by the door. “Hi, my darling girl.”

( @domjofabray​ )

It had been a big step, inviting Judy into their home.  Jo had agonized over it, sought her girl’s opinion on it, and done everything and anything she could do to make sure she’d considered it from every angle.  When she had, and it still felt right, she’d let the anxiety go and tried to embrace the fact that she was still working on her relationship with her mother.  Rather than have DJ answer the door as per usual she did it herself, a bit surprised by the hug but not in an unpleasant way.  “Hi, Mom.  How’ve you been?”

Max laughed and reached up to wipe away her tears. “Okay okay, enough tears and enough cheesiness. Let’s go get some juice and go dance, hm? Also where’s your girl? I wanna give her a hug too.”

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Jo laughed, blinking a few times to clear her eyes.  “No more tears, no more cheesiness,” she agreed with a nod.  “Let’s do that - DJ’s over there by the edge of the stage with Rory, we can dance our way over there.”

“Oh no, don’t cry. If you cry, then I’m gonna cry and ugh.” Max pulled Jo into another quick hug, enjoying the moment of vulnerability she was able to share with her sister. Max pulled back and bit at her bottom lip, wondering if she would ever find something like that. “You deserve all of this. All of the happiness and all of the love.”

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“I make no promises,” Jo laughed in a slightly choked voice.  Being there, being hugged by Max, was a wonderful part of an amazing day and one that she’d treasure.  “So do you, Max.  You deserve all the good things this world can give you, because you’ve had enough of the bad.”

“This is so pretty!” Max commented as she pulled away and took in the decorations. “I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. And Harry was more than happy to join me. Is it everything you thought it would be?”

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“Isn’t it?  Trixie did such an amazing job with everything, and I am so grateful to her.  I just, um,” she choked up a little bit, trying not to ruin her makeup by crying.  “It’s everything I’ve dreamed.  Since the first day I met her, Max, I knew we were going to get here.  And I just...” Jo stopped again, trying to hold her composure.  “I can’t believe we finally are.”

Max wasted no time, as soon as she entered the party, she tracked down Jo and jumped on her, wrapping her in a tight hug. “Jo-Jo!”

( @domjofabray​ | Saturday 6.12.21 )

“Max!” Jo exclaimed, holding her sister tightly.  “I am so glad you’re here.  We both are - it wouldn’t be the same without you.”

LJ took note of everything Jo mentioned and nodded. “Okay, that should be pretty easy. I’ll definitely keep a look out for like the museums and stuff, but I know for sure there’s a dance party or something like that tonight. I think it’ll be lots of fun if we all go together. It’ll be great to get our dance on. Like right now!” LJ jumped out of the pool and offered Jo their hand. “C’mon, let’s dance for real!”

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“That’d be really awesome of you, LJ, thanks!  And we are definitely up for a late night dance party followed by some sleeping in,” Jo laughed softly, knowing she sounded like an old lady.  “You’ve got it!” setting her glass down in a safe spot, she took their hand and climbed out of the pool, body already moving a little to the beat as she did.