Utilizing felines as a crude but handy GPS system

apparently at some point when my now-girlfriend and i were flirting with each other but not quite in a relationship, she asked me how i felt about pet names, to which i replied “well you have to call them something” 

the fact that i have managed to end up in a relationship is really testament to my girlfriend’s patience 

[girl in a low cut top voice] i just dont know what it is but everyone is being sooo nice to me today….[grows grave and guarded] they’re conspiring against my reign and they think me a fool

I hate cigarettes so much I hate that smoking is becoming cool again I hate that we're becoming contrarian hipsters about this disgusting habit that has literally killed so many people and destroyed so many lives I'm so serious we need to become absolute killjoys about this again it's time to go 90s scolds on cigarettes until the scourge is wiped out entirely.

Statement of Y/N, regarding their time in servitude to the entity formerly known as One Direction. Statement begins.

You have to play portal if you haven’t played it yet thats NOT okay portal 1 is like 4 hours and portal 2 is like 7. How much time do you spend every week scrolling social media. Ok now replace that with thinking with portals. Guess what you just played two 10/10 games and it’s not even Sunday

actually we should start headcanoning female characters as being terrible with children

stop mother-ifying fictional literally all female characters. that fictional woman would not know what the fuck to do with a child

No I think it's really great when a friend group of approximately twenty seven individuals spread out in the sidewalk as they walk so nobody has to walk behind the group. There's nothing better than when I'm trying to get home and I see the tableau of Jesus at the Last Supper gliding towards me like Jamiroquai in the Virtual Insanity music video and I have to decide who has the narrowest frame that I can shoulder-check my way past