Ephi

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I don’t think enough people understand the aftermath that comes with life post bullying. I never experienced the physical side of it, but I did experience absolute psychological warfare at the hands of others. When I was 9, I had grown women spreading rumours about me, talking badly about me to the point that their children felt comfortable with relaying this to me. « My mummy said I can’t play with you because xyz » I was ostracized, belittled and ignored upon the basis I was a bad influence due to a rumour started by another child’s mother, a rumour that was true but only in the sense the real perpetrator was her child. I remember staying inside, drawing terrible anime self insert OCs and when I was allowed to join in I was used to play the most humiliating parts. I was the bottom of the pyramid because I was too fat (I was a pretty skinny to average kid) I wasn’t allowed to join in sports as « no one wants to see THAT ». When I was older, much older- almost healed, I can remember walking into the common room and everyone falling silent, looking for empty classrooms to eat and get away from the whispers that followed me. They all insinuated it was my fault.

It wasn’t.

I spent so much of my life truly believing I wasn’t good enough, that I deserved the torment, that there was something wrong with me. That was until I started university.

I finally belonged somewhere. I do something I adore, I have friends that genuinely love me, I have a boyfriend unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. I stress about normal student things, but I’m so lucky to find myself being supported by my father. Life is incredible, serene- normal.

I don’t remember a time that I felt this content. But when I’m alone, in bed struggling to get to sleep, my mind berates me, showing me previous actions or wrongdoings that are not serious but in that moment feel like mortal sins. It feels weird to be so happy, I accept these nightly thoughts as I understand they are a result of my own conscious trying to convince me I don’t deserve this kind of peace.

I don’t know how to move on, how to silence my imagination and how to carry on with my life. I’ve never done something that is truly wrong, just a bit « messy » for lack of a better phrase, yet I lie awake panicking about possibilities of my actions ruining the lives of others- despite the fact I know I have done non of this.

I live with this internal guilt because I’ve never been allowed to be so content. Despite moving on in my life, moving away from where I spent my adolescence, I still fear that it will come back to bite me even though the animal has no teeth. I am a good person and after everything I’ve been through I deserve the happiness I’m currently experiencing, so how do I stop it from being impacted by irrationality? I am so loved, for the first time I have people who I know will defend me to their last breath, who will never turn on me or allow others to change their feelings towards me.

For the first time, I’m safe.

How do I let myself accept that, after so long, after a life of walking on eggshells?

In a world of girls who drink, smoke and party…