I don't want to get stuck in limbo.
For the last 5 years things have changed, profoundly.
I have ended a 13 year old relationship. I came back to my home country. I met my new love. We've been together 2 years now. We rent an apartment in the capital. I cut all ties with my close family, I stopped relying on the shoulder of friends that we're half-assing our relationship. I cut ties with all abusers, and walking disappointments. I'm all better for it.
For the years of covid, I got stuck with my previous partner, which -upon retrospection - I can now say was toxic, and things only proved to be festering further as the time went by. We lived in one of the biggest cities in the world, sharing together what could be called a mini-studio, and that would be very generous to call it so. Confined to one room with the other person at all times in a very busy very LOUD location - It was destined for a failure, only matter of time. A prison cell of years of unventilated complexities of human connection. Years and years of mounting frustration, of different habits and ways of life growing more and more different, of peculiarities of character - initially quaint and charming now annoying and irritating. The pushing of the limits of offences towards one another, throwing hurtful words that didn't matter in the morning. No promise was solid, no follow-through ever expected. J.'s flimsiness, and constant change of heart, not weighting their words, all fluff mixed with problems of basic existence, of not knowing how to act or answer simple email or text. Needing to review everything. Needing to mold to their needs, and still not being appreciative of it. Of castrating me bit by bit. With time I wanted solitude just for the sake of relaxing, or meeting my needs. I felt love slipping away from underneath my fingers. Not being given what I needed emotionally - care, consideration, good humour, appreciation. Sense of being wanted or ... with time.. even needed. The worst thing a man can ever get. I got depressed. I started to run away from my own home. In later years, partying every other day. Getting drunk. Being depressed. Maybe I lingered for too long, and didn't save it in time. Maybe it was exactly as it was meant to be. Before I thought the former, I was truly broken to my core, really, as if mortally wounded at the time of break up, couldn't imagine life without them. I wanted to end it all. Seriously. Now, after some time has passed I think the latter.
The way it ended was nasty and messy and ugly - in the most horrendous of ways because it wasn't singular in its guiding emotion - it wasn't purely hostile. No. It was this pathetic mixture of wimpy friendliness out of pity or god-knows-what and resentment and disappointment. Unresolved frustrations underneath friendly gestures, some out of pity some out of inconvenience of being forced to still sharing space together. Sleeping with my friend. Forgetting my birthday with was a day before theirs. Leaving me to pack all our lives into boxes and listing things for sale, crying my eyes out while they partied. How come I still talk to this person?? Even though they apologised afterwards, I feel like just how much do I have to be offended in life to really have a sense of a feeling that someone have crossed the line. If I have had any self-respect I would have never spoken to J. again. EVER. Have I had normal supportive parents that I don't have to run away from because of their abuse I wouldn't have to count on any helping hand I am able to get, foregoing any offences towards me because of the necessity of the situation.
And yet I have forgiven J. Although even that the year has passed, and J. have a partner now and so am I, and we still stay in touch - I have that deep feeling I did forgave them out of necessity rather than out of true resolution of the heart. The healthy, teenage me that imagined adult version of me would NEVER. Yes I have forgiveness which is maturity. But I don't have honour. M. and D. and G. that I don't speak to now, were all surprised how on EARTH I could still be speaking to J. Nevertheless, last time we've seen each other we talked about it, attempting some sort of closure of this period, and I thought we've resolved it. We know each other 22 years. It is more than lovers by now, its like mariage, parenthood, siblings, cousins, besties. Old souls. Vampires, having lived through centuries. It's hard to severe the longest and most intense, the most inquisitive and insightful relation of your life. We will become this shadow figures of each other's lives. But as of me right now- I need to arrive at the place where I have things sorted in my life in my love life ,social life and work life to feel sense of pride and integrity for it not to touch me the way it does. Right now I am in shatters, not having much in a way of friends to count on, flooded with a sea of consecutive failures, big and small, long and short term and despite 2 years passed and new relationship formed it still feels like the greatest failure of my life. Because, for a solid DECADE of my life I have invested by sweat and blood into every ounce of this relationship, it being my main pride, and I really, really believed it will NEVER end. I truly was an unwavering matter of fact for me. The moment it finished, the ground opened under my feet.
Nevertheless, the matter of fact it - J. moved away to another city for another partner. And we don't see each other anymore due to location. And deep down I feel it is healthy for me to distance from them for a solid while.
During that 5 years time I managed to: create a whole brand for J. along with writing the website by myself, creating branding, product photography, promo assets and social media posts. I've written 2 more songs. I created my own font. and I started my youtube channel. The channel is doing well. I had 2 viral videos, and I'm currently sitting at 28K subscribers. I am very proud of that achievement. I do get some incremental pay out ot it, however not enough to sustain myself from it alone.
I think it is safe for me to say that I try and succeed in creating content of exceptional quality, both in terms of value and visuals, and I have had many positive messages from people from around the world about it. It is my absolute baby, and the best thing I have ever achieved so far.
In the last 5 years I've lived on government subsidy, due to covid and later due to inability (and unwillingness tbh) to find work - focused purely on videos which take A LOT of time, to research to script, produce, shoot and edit.
The moment my relationship ended my housing contract had been terminated and the whole house was asked to vacate the property. It was my home for the last 9 years of my life and it felt like shot in the heart.
I needed to pack my life and start anew, elsewhere. I knew if I wanted to focus on growing my videos I cannot live in one of the Most Expensive Cities In The World, this time - on my own. Would have to become raw with work to barely scrape by. I was not willing to that.
In the meantime I met M. back in my hometown. M. was crazy about me, wanted me, in their broken but oh-so-willing way. With time I got crazy about them too and was willing to give it a shot, and flip my life around.
So I wrapped everything up and I headed back to my parents.
I knew the moment I made this decision it was a ticking time-bomb. My parents are not a separate book in this story, they are an odyssey. A illiad of sorts. Full of drama, sadness, offence, oppression, dominance, violence, vulgarity and lines crossed again, and again. and again. Ad infinitum.
I knew the moment I decided to go back and re-comp my life I will be walking on eggshells, and will feel suffocated by the mere presence of their persons in this sad, dreary, gated, locked-up cavernous mausoleum they call home. I knew I will be judged, offended both to my face and behind my back, every move will be scrutinised and analysed, my character constantly put to question, the disappointment expressed as if it were a comma in a sentence, as well as my father getting drunk and getting really downright repulsive in his disgusting habbit of humiliating me, waking me up in the middle of the night, interrogating me aggressively about my choices simply to find flaws in everything so that he can have grounds to berate me - his all favourite sport. Not to mention a guaranteed violence. Verbal and physical abuse, systemically since I was born. Then my mother comes in, accuses my father of being shitty human, have a massive fight and then forces me to act like nothing happened and remain servile and fawning towards him. Rinse & repeat since as long as I can remember.
And it did. And I couldn't take it anymore. I've heard something so profoundly foul about myself, so fundamentally WRONG and AWFUL and HURTFUL that I simply turned around, packed my bag in the middle of the night, I left never looked back.
My parents didn't know about M. and they would never accept me "having this lifestyle" to put it politely. I've seen M. breaking his mould time and time again to open up to meet me at the healthy ground if intimacy. We we're off to a rocky start but unlike J., M. means what he says. And seeing him growing, opening up to love to care to reciprocation of trust and tenderness was a pure joy to witness. I've seen M. cut off from toxic people around him, I've seen M. changing his unhealthy habits, moving to their own place, waiting for me, wanting me, making the most of what he had to offer to accommodate me. I was truly commendable to witness it. The purity of intent and the firmness of the promise. Finally someone I can rely on. Stable, willing, eager. I decided to take a chance. I was a good shot.
For half a year I solely focused on my videos living in the tiniest micro-apartment possible, just the two of us, but for me - finally a sense of peace. Safety... SAFETY! No amount of square meters of my parents house could ever substitute this feeling I finally got in this small piece of rental unit with M. M. was working and paying for the flat, I was living off of my savings made in another currency, buying us essentials. I was smart enough to save while on subsidy. But the moment I moved in with him I told him if we are to live together we need proper new place in a proper new city, away from place of layered nostalgia of my childhood and a place where I can bump into my abusers. Away from parents, old friends from bygone eras, and pockets of memories I am unwilling to revisit. A new chapter, A new beginning.
So it happened J. moved here as well. Having their own issues with pathological parents despite our resentments we decided to stick together and help each other out in the turmoil of old but well alive abuse, both in my family life and theirs, a turmoil we were engineering to get out of those 13 years before. No amount of hurt during break up would not make us help each other. Initially they moved back to our home town, but having experienced similar issues, moved to the capital. So did I.
Initially went with J. to help out with finding them apartment. We did.
Now I went to J. to search for mine. I found the most perfect place. Seriously I couldn't be happier. Right after my YT channel this is seriously my biggest achievement so far. It's cozy, it's lovely, it's stylish, it's in beautiful location it has perfect lighting during every time of the day. It is my oasis. I feel grateful, I feel blessed.
Along with M. we live a happy, considerate, lovely life. It feels SAFE. It feels like home.
I start to work in J. place, as she leaves the post just as a way to hang on during the pivot that was the big move to another city. Its a shitty customer service job but after 5 years of not working its a good way to warm up that engine. Nothing I won't be afraid to lose in case I won't like or fuck up. Worked there for 2 months. Turned out to be shitty, but I didn't know just how shitty as I still didn't start to properly heal back then - got so used to abuse and disrespect. Place was downright toxic, co-workers were hostile, expectations "from the moon" as we say, and pay was laughable. After 2 months took 2 month break and lived off the very rest of my savings. After finally finalising my last youtube video I sent one (1) CV and instantly got a job at this luxury store. Wanted to work in the e-com but they wanted me on the shop floor due to my experience. I was pretty meh okay about it, but again it was a retail job - something I did NOT want. I need a job that is fairly easy to, doesn't revolve around customer service, preferably seated, preferably a remote one, so that I won't be completely drained at the end of the day and I can focus on my videos.
4 months of probation period I really tried this time. I wanted two things out of it: 1) to take pride in my work, to be diligent and fully hands on so I can tell I tried my best 2) to learn the value of scarcity of free time to get a sense of disciplined INGRAINED in me for good.
In the end they asked for the moon, for the pennies, wanted to be dior while paying like kfc and people who were appearing as nice and friendly turned out scheming and fake. Enough was enough. I got played big time, and the moment I heard feedback passed on in front of HR diminishing my imput and enlarging my mistakes to a point of a LIE, despite my result and despite my contribution I simply did not wanted anything to do it this store. It was ungrateful on their part. End of.
What was good about this place was my exposure to the upper middle class of the capital. And witnessing all the things I should've been with my parents. People's conversations within their families, their relationships, the tone of voice, genuine interest, the consideration the respect. I understood what normal suppose to look and feel like.
This made me place my relationship with parents in a whole new dimension. I have even more sense of disdain towards it because only now I am starting to realise the scope of damage of all those years of treating me the way they did.
Only now I am feeling supported by my partner. Only now I am setting boundaries, only now I start to understand and read my needs as my priority. I am finding out about myself, and not moulding myself to the needs of others whether out of love (J.) or out of self-defence (parents).
I am starting to grieve the years of the consequence of all of this. Of the things needed but not received. Of the lack of safety. Lack of consideration. Lack of reciprocation. Like a pocket in your gum after tooth extraction I feel the pressing vacuum of the absence where presence should've been. And although it slowly heals and closes up, the vacuum inside is still deeply felt. I feel like an oprhan. I feel like I am a trauma victim. I lack a sense of "spine" on many occasions. I don't now how to handle certain emotions or that certain things stem out of self-neglect. I lived so long having "left myself behind" and vicariously through songs, movies, protagonists, friends, celebrities, "known strangers" and random passerby's I all envied and imagined my life being them, through them. For so long.
I am slowly starting to heal.
Now again I am freed from the shackles of a pointless job. I have the most lovely apartment. I have M. who is loving and caring and considerate. I have my observations and kindness of strangers from my last work in form of appreciative customers (I was really good at my work!), and from my subscribers, who celebrate me for my input and expertise rather than my looks or humour. I need that feeling.
I need to flourish with my videos, I need to find a computer based job I can do and not feel miserable everyday that pays well enough. I need to feel solidity under my feet, and stability in my provision for life that is sustainable, both financially and emotionally. And I need some new friends, new friendly faces who like M. want to be in my life and make it easy to be in it. And I believe that will finally close up my wound. I will heal.
I believe I am finally on a right path to it.
