gimme that sweet cancer

i made a new account for my streaming and gaming stuff at @billyplsno

i am struggling so much. every time i reach out to medical professionals, they just make me feel like dogshit and like i'm dumb for feeling the way i feel. i was in dbt for a year and a half and it didn't help me in the slightest and now i'm repeatedly made to feel like i am a quitter and a horrible person who didn't try hard enough to get better. they all keep telling me to get friends and it's like, how the fuck do i even do that when i am constantly told i'm the villain and the bad guy, why would i ever try to meet new people when i am told i'm an abuser. clearly the world would be better off without me. i am constantly in hospital for trying to kill myself and no one does a thing. me not being here solves all of the problems so why can't i just fucking die? is living supposed to be some fucked up punishment? if i could find an actual way to die, i would take it in a heartbeat

i think this is it. this is really the end and no one cared.

i probably shouldn't even bother posting this bc it'll make no difference and probably make me feel worse, but i just don't know what to do anymore. i've talked to helplines, i've been in therapy multiple times, i've tried talking to my family, i have no friends who want to talk to me anymore and i just don't know what i'm doing wrong. i just feel like life isn't worth it. i can't do anything right and i can't make connections or do anything that doesn't make me feel suicidal. no matter what i do, life just doesn't feel like worth being in this much pain when nothing is going to make it better. i have been suicidal since i was eleven. twenty years i have felt like my life isn't worth it and nothing so far has made it worth staying for. maybe some people are destined to kill themselves and i'm just one of those people. or maybe my suicidal thoughts are the universe trying to account for the fact i shouldn't be here and it's trying to right it's wrong. either way, it doesn't really matter. no one cares about my existence enough to even speak to me. i'm better off dead and everyone is better without me.