Behind the Great Wall

I’m legitly posting this because I’m positive that few, if any, people who might read this have immediate proximity to me (IE, you don’t go to college with me or have a sense of irregular urgency to contact me out of the blue).  Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) it’s neither incriminating nor revealing. 

Two months ago, I started hanging out with John.  We’re in an org (that’s organization for you non-abbrev-centric people like all of us in SoCal are) together that I’ve been in for almost two years now, and he joined in the fall. It’s a big enough org that we didn’t see each other often.  We knew who the other was--he thought I was a junior or a senior, I knew he was a junior (side note-I’m a sophomore, but most people genuinely think I’m either a junior or senior.  Whether that’s because I’m jaded about the structural inequality in higher education or it’s because I’ve done a lot in my time is beyond me).  

Now, to give you some background, John started semi-dating one of my other friends a little before we started hanging out. It wasn’t official or anything, but whatever. In a college world that really means nothing.  We were hanging out as friends and it pretty much became clockwork that we’d hang out and do something with some other people one night a week.  One night became two nights, and two nights became running into each other and doing things decently often.

Fast forward to three weeks ago.  They’re official, it’s Spring Break, and we’re still hanging out.  After all, no one’s crazy and gonna ditch their friends once they’re in an official relationship, right? Right. Well, we’re texting, talking about things, and then I realize what’s starting to happen on my end.

Fuck, Alex, you’re falling for your friend’s boyfriend.

Now I’ll be the first to tell you that I am an awkward person for the most part with a strange propensity to either be very serious or overly flirty (never meaning it, because let’s face it--no one, for the most part, dates gay Asians at my school--also, I have no idea how to be seriously flirty).  But the thing is, our conversation’s never been awkward.  I know more about him then I do about a lot of my other friends that I’ve known for nearly two years.  Hell, I know more about him than some of my friends that I’ve known since freshman year of high school.  

In virtually every situation, it doesn’t make sense to pursue it--first of all, it’s your friend’s boyfriend; second of all, you’re not a fucking homewrecker.  This situation is no different.  How this situation is different, though, is how emotionally invested I am in John.  

It’s hard to explain, really.  I’m not one for corny book references, but this line legitimately explains how it happened.  Stephen Chbosky, Perks of Being a Wallflower (how stereotypically teenager--l o l not a teenager though): “I fell in love like, like you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” It happened all of a sudden and how do you explain to someone that all of a sudden you’re into them when they probably think of you as a friend?

I do also want to mention I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM.  a) it’s too soon, b) neither of us are emotionally available for that, c) I’d be a really shitty friend to my other friend, and d-most importantly) I’D BE A REALLY SHITTY FRIEND AND IT’S TOO SOON.  

I don’t even know how it happened.  Well, I don’t think I do.  It probably has to do with the fact that, unlike any other person I think I’ve ever gone on a date with, John has a) the intellectual capacity, b) the personal capacity, c) he’s pretty damn cute, and d-most importantly) he fucking understands me.  

At this point, you’re probably like: ‘Alex, calm your shit.  Get over it.’ Ordinarily, I would be too. Thing is, I’ve legitimately never felt like this before.  It’s the sort of giddy, unsettling churning in your chest, above your stomach when you’re really excited for something but then it’s also slightly bitter because it’s just a little bit out of reach.  It’s a space-time continuum (I guess? maybe?) in that space and time are inherently relative on each other.  In this case, you need both at the right point--and we’re at the right space but not at the right time.  

Basically, it really fucking sucks.

So, John, if you read this--and there’s a 99.9% chance you’re not reading this, which is very thankful because I’m pretty sure you’d know who you were--I’m sorry.  It’s not right for me to like you, because it’s not fair to you or to him.  I know it, you know it, he may/may not know it.