i don't want to be a monster.

Bella grins, taking Edward’s hand and stepping out of the car. “Thank you,” she says, bouncing a little on her heels as she shuts her car door behind her. “Right this way.”

She walks them across the parking lot, keeping her fingers intertwined with Edward’s. She knows he’s probably scanning the thoughts of others to try and figure out what they’re doing here, but it’s a short walk until it’s clear.

I allowed her to pull me along, keeping my fingers lightly twisted around hers, and finding a smile dancing across my lips when we finally came into the view of others, and I could see us reflected in their minds.

But I couldn't help but still almost completely at the sight. The sound of instruments tuning had always made me excited, the anticipation of what was to come. For the length of one of her heartbeats, I just took in the sight, let myself drink in the atmosphere, before turning to her and cupping her face as gently as I could with my raging emotions at the thought behind the gesture.

I allowed her to pull me along, keeping my fingers lightly twisted around hers, and finding a smile dancing across my lips when we finally came into the view of others, and I could see us reflected in their minds.

But I couldn't help but still almost completely at the sight. The sound of instruments tuning had always made me excited, the anticipation of what was to come. For the length of one of her heartbeats, I just took in the sight, let myself drink in the atmosphere, before turning to her and cupping her face as gently as I could with my raging emotions at the thought behind the gesture.

Edward's reassurance about money was somewhat of a relief to hear, but uneasiness lingered— as if she was going to be caught out anyway and reprimanded nonetheless. Even Carlisle's offer of pants felt uncomfortable to accept. A niggling part of her was sure that she would be admonished for daring to wear anything but skirts and dresses despite these clothes being offered to her.

Esme released a frustrated sigh, her thoughts unable to stop racing for even a few seconds. Red eyes briefly ran across Edward's face, his comment leaving her feeling as if she had been caught out in a lie. She didn't want to offend the occupants of this house... She wasn't sure why her body betrayed the understanding they meant no harm. Another thing to add to her list of whys.

"Ah, yes... I keep forgetting you can read minds." She tried a smile, but instead found her brow furrowing with how overwhelming it all was. "He does seem to be an incredibly calm man," she concurred, "even through all the pain of... well... becoming this, his voice was always reassuring." Accompanied by the distinct feeling as if she'd heard it before. That was a comfort at least; the odd familiarity of Carlisle.

I let the silence stretch between us, even as her mind remained loud in my own. I had met so few of our kind where I had been safe to reveal my gift, it left me on uncertain footing on whether to acknowledge it or not. Carlisle had simply accepted it for what it was, given he'd recognised it before I did. We communicated through his thoughts and my words so often I forgot sometimes it was unusual.

"I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable," I said, eyes still lowered. "My ability. I have often wished I could turn it off, if even for an hour. The only way for me to get true quiet these days is to head off into the deep wilderness, and that's not exactly ideal."

I had been forced to adjust to near constant noise in my head, the invasion by dozens of others minds besides of my own. It had taken some time, but I could ignore most humans now, relegate them to a dull buzz, but the sharp, clear mind of our kind was much harder to push aside.

Her final words made me still completely. The juvenile thought had passed my mind when Carlisle had first brought her home, but I had not voiced it aloud. His mind had quickly assured me it was unfounded, so I had kept it to myself. Had she read me so easily as to see the doubt that still lingered somewhere?

“I know,” Carlisle says. “It’s something I miss too. It’s why all of our houses are near water. I like listening to it to clear my mind.”

Not that that’s helpful in the middle of a hospital, but he’s trying. Centuries of life, and he still has no idea how to help his son.

When I finally pulled away, I still felt the loss of his arms around me. But I couldn't remain in his embrace forever, like a child who wanted a parent to protect them from the world.

My eyes slid again to the still form in the bed. The idea of leaving her, for even a moment, made a vague, forgotten sense of nausea rise in my stomach.

When I finally pulled away, I still felt the loss of his arms around me. But I couldn't remain in his embrace forever, like a child who wanted a parent to protect them from the world.

My eyes slid again to the still form in the bed. The idea of leaving her, for even a moment, made a vague, forgotten sense of nausea rise in my stomach.

Bella grins at him, expression bright. Her lashes flutter when Edward pulls her closer. She feels right like this. Happy and safe in Edward’s arms, his face pressed into her curls. She wraps her arms and legs around him as she settles in his lap.

For the first time since awakening into this immortal existence, I felt my mind go blank with sheer shock. And then a warmth overcame me, delirious joy sweeping through my limbs, even as I remained locked in place. Bella... loved me? Me? Her lips against my brow seemed to break the spell a little, and I curled protectively around her by pure instinct.

"Am I allowed to say it if I admit I've thought of little else for some time?" I whispered against her hair. If my heart still beat, it would be threatening to escape my chest, I just knew it.

I'd known ever since stopping the van, consciously. The voice that had screamed in my head ( not her! ), the instinct that had my body moving before even my mind could catch up. I had needed some time to come to terms with it, but now I couldn't picture ever returning to a point where I didn't love Bella Swan.

For the first time since awakening into this immortal existence, I felt my mind go blank with sheer shock. And then a warmth overcame me, delirious joy sweeping through my limbs, even as I remained locked in place. Bella... loved me? Me? Her lips against my brow seemed to break the spell a little, and I curled protectively around her by pure instinct.

"Am I allowed to say it if I admit I've thought of little else for some time?" I whispered against her hair. If my heart still beat, it would be threatening to escape my chest, I just knew it.

I'd known ever since stopping the van, consciously. The voice that had screamed in my head ( not her! ), the instinct that had my body moving before even my mind could catch up. I had needed some time to come to terms with it, but now I couldn't picture ever returning to a point where I didn't love Bella Swan.

. . . ↟    (  CHARACTERS. ) :           *    EDWARD CULLEN.

“don't be self-conscious, if i could dream at all, it would be about you. and I'm not ashamed of it.”

She breathed in the scent of Edward, instead concentrating on the image of him she was greeted with when opening her eyes in this life. She wanted that light to return to his eyes. "You don't have to know any more," she eventually whispered. "I will be here for as long as you want me to be."

Esme's eyes remained closed. She had only been hunting when Carlisle was home, afraid that should they both leave they would return to an empty house once more. Carlisle knew her anxiety, Edward undoubtedly would know too, but it gnawed at her. If anything, her own grief was doubled by the weight of Carlisle's own. She wasn't sure if she could witness it again— carry his sadness for him while he chose to ignore it.

"I appreciate that." Esme's voice was hoarse, but relieved. "But I do understand that some secrets are hard to speak."

A low growl rumbled up my throat for a moment at the thought of Charles. I rubbed my cheek against her shoulder, trying to show the reaction was not towards Esme, my own arm tightening a little in response. If she wanted to know that monster's end one day, I would tell her. Until then, I would do my best not to dwell. It had been hard enough to accept my greatly diminished control following my return, ruminating on my kills would do no good in regaining it.

"I love you," I whispered. They were words I hadn't often said to Carlisle or Esme, letting my actions assure them of my feelings. But when I had left, it had been under such a cloud of rage and hurt, that I felt it better to just tell them how I felt, no matter how it made my stomach twist a little. I wasn't much used to expressing my feelings verbally.

I flinched a little at the revelation of why they had been hunting separately. Carlisle had kept his thoughts carefully concealed, so skilled in it now that I didn't even notice he was doing it any more. But to know they were afraid to leave me alone, lest I abandon them again? I curled up tighter against her side, as if I could press myself into her very being. I was reminded, dimly, of being very small and doing the same thing, taking in a soft perfume I hadn't smelled in thirteen years.

"I won't leave again," I mumbled into Esme's shoulder. "I promise I won't. And–and especially not like that."

ㅤㅤ❝𝓐hh—❞ Liam reached up to rub his right hand along his mouth and down past his chin, letting his hand rest on his side. A clear gesture of being unsure how to talk about such a thing. How honest he was supposed to be. He figured everyone would be trying to be in good spirits about the ordeal; but in the end, the truth was always something one ought to be honest about. ❝—Don't forget that you don't only have to convince Aro, but Caius and Marcus as well. Aro may be the frontman, but there are two others as well.❞ He let out a sigh, searching back through his own memories and the stories from other vampires he had heard from over the centuries lived. ❝I can only think of a couple times when his mind had been changed... But fair warning, it doesn't happen often.❞ A pause as the Irishman's eyes circled back toward the house. ❝You do have a lot of people willin' to speak on your behalf. You may have a chance.❞

I took in a breath and let it out slowly. The coven itself may insist they were an equal trio, but anyone who met them would see who the true ruler was. Marcus was so emotionally checked out so as to practically be a non-entity, and Caius knew it was Aro who wielded the true power. My time in their chambers had been illuminating to say the least. Besides, it was Aro who cared about their image, however ridiculous that sounded given their power. He was the one I was focused on.

"Caius will not be swayed, he hates that we exist at all," I muttered, folding my arms over my chest. "Marcus might have some empathy — he did side with me. But Aro knows what he wants. It isn't justice, it's... " I sighed, lifting a hand to pinch the bridge of my nose before the words fell. I had seen the way he looked at Alice, at me. At Bella. He was a collector, and we were a prize. "I keep trying to tell myself that if I word things just right, he'll see reason. But I just can't picture it happening. And with Alice gone..."

My expression softened at her briefly fearful thoughts, and I did something I rarely would — I reached out a took her hand, giving it a squeeze. I was frustrated with her, angry at her rash decision that had brought the Volturi’s eyes to us. But I wouldn’t be fighting her tonight. Hopefully not any night.

“I know,” I said simply for a moment, considering my next words. “And I did for a while. Alice was planning on ways to contain me most of the way home. But… Rose, you’re my sister. Right now, everything is... okay. I’ve been miserable enough these last six months. I don’t think I have the energy to keep it up.”

I had known before Bella even put the idea to my family which way it would go. She might not have been certain — but I knew them. I knew how they had thought about our relationship from the start. It was a foregone conclusion that she would get what she wanted as soon as she asked them. It didn’t mean I couldn’t still make my opinion known.

“Did you know I told her about my time away the first time she visited the house?” I replied, deciding to not address her point specifically just yet. I didn't specify the particular years, all of them would know exactly when I meant by such a phrase. “I told her of my terrible attempt at being a ‘normal’ vampire, and the cost. I have tried at every turn to be honest about how hard just being in her presence is, how difficult all of this is. I have no explanation really for why she still wants this existence, and now it’s out of my hands. I have tried, truly. I don’t want this for her either.”

“It is. I’m constantly in awe of you.” Bella’s smile is soft and adoring as she looks at Edward. “I fall more and more in love with you with each new thing I learn about you.”

Bold, perhaps, but Bella knows she means it. Each bit of knowledge Edward gives her about his life before is precious to her like a gem, and she treasures it more than any diamond or pearl she could receive.

Words felt inadequate at such a declaration. Instead, I simply tucked her more firmly into my side, pressing a lingering kiss to the side of her head. We'd shared more intimate showings of affection, but this felt right while we looked at this reflection of my human life together. Something I may have gotten away with back then, perhaps earning a raised eyebrow from my mother if she caught us.

I didn't often try to picture Bella in that setting. It felt so alien now, and she was so very of the present. But I wished, more than anything, that I could have introduced her to my mother.

Words felt inadequate at such a declaration. Instead, I simply tucked her more firmly into my side, pressing a lingering kiss to the side of her head. We'd shared more intimate showings of affection, but this felt right while we looked at this reflection of my human life together. Something I may have gotten away with back then, perhaps earning a raised eyebrow from my mother if she caught us.

I didn't often try to picture Bella in that setting. It felt so alien now, and she was so very of the present. But I wished, more than anything, that I could have introduced her to my mother.

ㅤㅤ𝓗earing the man suggest trying the alternate diet while he was here sent a spike of nervousness up his spine. He didn't enjoy that idea. news of another vampire- let alone the least social of the bunch- switching his diet while a couple dozen vampires could stand gawking at the windows waiting for any sign of his movements. It was the least likely scenario, but it was something that still ran through Alistair's mind. ❝I- I think I'll decline your offer for the time being.❞ Alistair admitted. Perhaps a more private time. But the present days was not in his favour with so many people on the property. ❝However...I shall keep it in mind.❞

I couldn't hold back the wince as I followed his thought process, my own mind twisting it off into another strand. What would Aro think if he came here and found not only our family and the wolves, but others of our kind that had switched their diet to our own? There wasn't enough time for their eyes to change, but as long as I knew, he would too.

"I don't blame you," I murmured, offering an apologetic smile. "If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please let one of us know. Or... if you wish to go," I was loathe to think of losing any of our witnesses, but we couldn't force them to stay, "you are, of course, free to leave. We won't hold it against you."

ㅤㅤ𝓟utting the letters in the mail would probably be a much safer option for some of the folks that were invited to Edward and Bella's wedding. ❝You do have a point.❞ Alice agreed. ❝Thank you.❞ She quietly giggled to herself. Almost giddy with excitement about planning such a remarkable wedding. When Alice felt Edward wrap his arms around her for a quick hug, she smiled and happily put her arms around him- as much as she could with her small stature. ❝You're most welcome. I'm more than happy to help out my favourite people. Besides, you two deserve the best.❞

"I often do," I teased, unable to help myself with the opening she'd provided. Rose, Jasper and Emmett had all had siblings before they were turned, and we couldn't be sure of Alice, of course, but I'd never known what it was like to be anything other than an only child before they joined us. And I loved them all dearly, gladly referred to them as my brothers and sisters. But what I had with Alice felt like the most natural of them all.

"Careful," I warned, voice still carrying that playful tone. "Rosalie already says my head is too large as it is. You'll only make it worse talking like that."