Distract The Guards

[REDACTED] is the "alter ego" of Pickle Man, the self-proclaimed "greatest superhero in ever." To deal with his debilitating insecurity and social anxiety, he puts forth an unwavering attitude of unnatural happiness and good cheer wherever he goes, causing extreme discomfort to those in his company. This is an excerpt from an interview with an anonymous passerby:

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure he has some serious codependency issues. At the very least. I mean you feel terrible walking past the guy and ignoring him, but talking to him is so painful. He's like, he's a grown man acting like a 5-year-old... to, you know, to deal with the fact that he just can't fit into normal society. I mean it's really sad, yeah, and you want to help... but like, I have a life, you know? Normal people, we can't just stop and talk to some freak on the street because, you know, we feel bad for him or whatever."

Later, [REDACTED] himself was interviewed.

"So... Mr. [REDACTED], do you have any family? Friends, associates? Have you ever had a job?"

Desperately straining himself to hide his crippling depression with an agonizingly large smile on his tear-streaked face, [REDACTED] simply responds:

He put on a pickle suit and started calling himself Pickle Man. He began regularly patrolling the city in broad daylight, keeping a watchful eye out for crime. When the authorities got a tip about "a dude in a freakin' pickle suit, walkin' around like he's some sorta superman or some crap," they didn't know what to make of it. When questioned about his motives, "Pickle Man" (whose name will remain undisclosed at this time to preserve what little dignity he has left, if any) simply says "For great justice! I am Pickle Man!"

Since he's completely oblivious and really doesn't do anything, people just let him go about his self-deluded business. "Whatever makes the guy happy, I guess" says an anonymous interviewee. The public is instructed to keep interactions with Pickle Man to a minimum, as he gets very upset when his legitimacy as a superhero is questioned. The local law enforcement tries to encourage him from time to time, as he's extremely insecure and often requires the approval of others.

About 1.5 milliliters of indestructible toxic slime standing anywhere from .5 millimeters to about .5 centimeters, Goobie (as the superhero community has taken to calling him) somehow gained sentience and quickly adapted a complete understanding of the English language. Most people just chalk it up to some crazy chemistry experiment gone wrong, but regardless of his exact origin, Goobie is capable of irradiating (and thus killing) anybody he touches simply by seeping through their skin. His molecular structure is such that he can appear as a semi-solid contiguous mass (pictured), or disperse into millions of tiny particles. In this form, he can act as an airborne virus, letting the wind carry him around, infecting as many as a hundred people at a time. This infection can lead to death in as little as a second or as long as a month, depending on Goobie's size at the time of infection.

Standing two feet and eight inches tall, Abiran Lakih was born with thirty-seven physical deformities and fourteen metabolic deficiencies. Since his immune system shut down when he was eight, he contracts an average of eighty-five new diseases every day. He has only thirty functional muscles, and a potentially fatal allergic reaction to every food except gruel. At the age of eleven, little Abir realized that he could get basically anything he wanted just by looking adorable and in excruciating pain (neither of which he had any trouble with). Without fail, he can distract even the most heartless of villains with his teary gaze and lesion-encrusted face. Since he can't really do much else, he relies on his fellow heroes to get the job done, but he's an invaluable member of the team.

One day, when hopscotch finally got boring, five-year-old Susie Sweet took her father's revolver from his bedside table because "I dunno, it was just there, I guess." After fidgeting with it on the couch for almost an hour, she managed turn the safety off, cock it, and pull the trigger. Incidentally, at that very moment, a burglar had just happened to walk into the house, and she nailed him squarely between the eyes. Turns out he was one of the most notorious criminals in the country. Susie was immediately bombarded by the media, and after some target practice, it was discovered that while she lacked any skill, proficiency, or talent with firearms, she had godlike luck. So her parents started letting her carry a gun around. Now, wherever she goes, bad guys always seem to show up in the just right place, and she always happens to be aiming in just the right direction at just the right time. Susie has never missed a single shot.