A Distant Shadow

I start what I wanted

To bleed, to feel the stinging and burning

To leave battle scars to remember today

Yet as I try to

Part of me is telling me to stop

Part of me is holding back

I'm not committed to this defacing of myself

I'm not committed to letting it go

I want to remain strong

Even when I'm falling down a rabbit hole

I want to remain harm free

As I split my skin open just a tad

I begin, I stop

Happening on repeat

I'm conflicted in physically feeling as I feel myself go numb

As I feel myself growing tired, wanting to give up

Wanting to give in to nothingness

I'm conflicted in wanting to be well and wanting to see myself burn

-D.S.

7/2/2020

Empty, like nothing matters

Used to being depressed and feeling tired

But staying up anyway

I'm used to putting on a mask

Having people think I'm okay

When really there's nothing inside to feel

I'm used to feel depressed

What I'm not used

Is being depressed with the voices in my head being silent

Silent depression is new to me

I feel like my mind should be filled with voices degrading me

Reminding me I'm nothing

Yet I lay here empty

Surrounded by silence

It scares me more than anything

Because I'm depressed with no way of knowing what my mind is being told or thinking

-D.S.

7/2/2020

-D.S. “Product Review”

-D.S. “Insecure”

-D.S. “Trapped Little Birdie”

A thought, an urge that's been filling my head

I want to

But I don't want to

They don't need me

I need them

I want to suffer alone

But I don't want to suffer alone

I want to be in pieces

I want to be whole again

Push them away and you'll crumble

Keep them near and maybe you can pick yourself back up

Conflicting thoughts

Conflicting feelings

Who do I listen to?

What do I do?

I'm stuck in limbo as I go back and forth

Between my devil and my savior

Between my suffering self and my healing self

Leaving me to question everything

Leaving me to feel nothing

Allowing me to do stupid"

-D.S.

8/29/2019

Trapped

Trapped in a void of nothing

That's how I feel

That nothing matters

That theres no point in doing anything

Let me just be here and breathe

Take away the long list of to-dos

I hold no desire to do them

Only to do so in order to go back to doing nothing

Trapped in a neverending void

Trapped in a constant state of depression

How much longer must I be trapped?

Hasn't it been long enough?

-D.S.

My mind is trap Trying to keep me in Trying to suck me into misery Making me feel sad Making me feel upset I’m not enjoying myself I’m not enjoying happiness My mind is a hunter Hunting for what will trap me inside Hunting to keep me there I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be sad I don’t want to be upset at myself or others Why can’t my mind leave me be Why must I be its prey

I don't have complaints

Things have gotten brighter

Compared to how dark it was back then

Yet I can't bring myself to feel happy

Instead I find myself saying

"I don't deserve this. I don't deserve happiness"

I don't want to feel like this

I want to feel like everything is okay

That I'm okay

That I deserve this

But my mind goes to thinking

"Should I let you go so you can find better?"

I don't want to

I want to be with you

I want to be with my friends

I have this feeling that I don't deserve you or them

I don't know what to do

I'm stuck in this loop

This constant back and forth

I'm up

I'm down

I'm happy

I'm sad

I feel the darkness trying to consume me

Trying to claim me back as it's own

I can't go back

I don't want to go back

Someone

Anyone

Save me from what's inside

-D.S.