We Are Human.

🌞Happy spring equinox! 🌞

by Dr. Doreen Virtue

Don’t Focus On Whether Or Not Someone Likes You Instead of being concerned about whether someone likes you and focusing on how your heart pounds and if you feel butterflies when you’re around them, wonder instead whether you get excited because your chemistry is reacting to meeting another dysfunctional person. Ask yourself instead, does this person have most, if not all, of the qualities you want in a relationship?

Be Your Own Best Friend One reason why people stay in unhealthy relationships is the fear of being alone. One reason for this is because you haven’t developed a best-friend relationship with yourself. Try to reach a place where you actually enjoy your own company. And if that doesn’t help, know that being alone is healthier and preferable to being in an unhealthy relationship filled with hostile drama.

Stop Expecting Someone Else To Fix Your Problems You are responsible for whatever needs fixing in your life, your financial debts, your career, taking care of your body and so forth, not your partner, your best friend or your parents. You will feel much better about yourself and your new confidence will be very attractive.

Know Your Boundaries And Stick To Them We are constantly sending out hints to other people about how we want to be treated. These are called “boundaries,” meaning your deal breakers for what you will and won’t accept. How much importance you attach to honesty, respect, and reliability are just as important as personal space, time alone, or how much physical affection or romance you require. When you uphold your boundaries, you don’t allow others to manipulate, guilt, or control you, and your inner self will thank you

Trust Your Inner Warning Signals Your body is innately sensitive to other people’s energies and intentions. Check your own inner warning signals, which will alert you that you’re with a toxic or drama-addicted person. Some warning signals you may be getting are:

-    You feel used, because it’s a one-sided relationship, with you doing all the giving -    You feel guilty, like you owe the person something -    You feel angry at him or her and at yourself -    After the person leaves, you feel drained and tired -    You have a desire to avoid the person.

Trust your intuition here. These feelings won’t be present in a healthy relationship.

Write A Letter To The Person You’re Upset With                                         Even healthy relationships can hit a rocky patch from time to time. At times like these, it often helps to write a letter to the person you’re upset with. Pour out your feelings, and hold nothing back. Then, in a ceremonious way, burn the letter. You can also send a more restrained version of the letter to the person, after waiting a day or two for a cooling-off period. This way, your letter will reflect your ongoing feelings instead of reactive emotions. It can be the starting point for a mutually beneficial conversation that will get you back on track. 

Just Say No To Guilt Based Requests If you feel you are being manipulated and have no choice to comply, stand firm. They might cry, threaten to hurt themselves, say that no one loves them, or remind you of the times that they helped you. But by telling guilt-trippers no without guilt or excuses, they will either find another victim to harass or will realize that these methods aren’t healthy or effective.

Don’t Walk On Eggshells Around Angry People If someone displays their anger in a physical way, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. However, if it is someone who just gets mad at the slightest provocation but rarely takes responsibility themselves, then release the fantasy that you will find the winning combination that will finally make them happy and peaceful. They most likely will need professional therapy. Tip-toeing around until they calm down doesn’t help anyone.

Stand Your Ground Accusatory people are always looking for a fight, tell them firmly that they are mistaken in their accusations but do not engage in an argument or wander off-topic. Do not engage in blaming wars or you will get into an unending battle.

Stop Trying To Rescue Victim-Martyr Types Since whatever advice you suggest will most likely be met with “I’ve already tried that, it doesn’t work.” It is best not to invest a lot of time into trying to provide a solution to their problem. Once victim-martyrs sense that you are out of ideas to help, they will move on to bending someone else’s ear about their current problem. 

Remove Yourself From A Relationship When You Notice A Red Flag Take your time to get to know someone before you fully commit to a relationship. At the first red-flag, such as not honoring a commitment, or showing a lack of respect; extricate yourself from the relationship immediately before getting any more involved.

As a compassionate, openhearted soul, you want to give. It’s in your nature to care for others and ensure their health and happiness. Occasionally others may take advantage of your kindness which is why it is so important to enforce your boundaries in all of your relationships.

This includes friendships, lovers, and so on. 

Most toxic people will not let you leave the relationship without strife. They will use fear tactics, humiliation, threats…so on. So, when leaving the toxic relationship–always prepare yourself. I often say that a toxic relationship is like having a leech on you. It will hurt, but you must be prepared. They may expose any secrets or information you told them in confidence. Some can even become physically abusive or even threat to commit suicide. 

As a result of leaving, a huge chunk of your self-confidence, respect, and self-love have been stolen from them or left behind with the relationship. After all, a leech will still have your blood even after you part with it. It will be natural to feel tired, sad, and hopeless if you find that you feel that way. Leaving these relationships takes a lot of energy. 

It’s normal if you feel mistrustful of others, full of guilt/shame, and closed off from others. This is especially true if your toxic person belittled, shamed, or guilted you often. Most toxic people have a habit of trying to use fear to manipulate and keep you around them. And now, you must recover from that abuse. 

1. They most likely come from a toxic family/home situation. They’ve been victim to abuse in the past. They have bad relationships all around in their lives. They can’t hold on to a romantic relationship often. Most of the time, they wont put effort into progressing relationships or leaving unhealthy ones behind. Some thrive on having the unhealthy relation–more fuel for the fire.

2. They think of themselves as “Forever Victims”. These individuals cannot move on from the past. Every moment of the present is spent thinking of the past and how they feel robbed of something.

3. They end up repeating the same abuse they occurred amongst others, but refuse to be held accountable for their wrong actions because they will always see themselves as victims.

4. They’ve become incredibly self-centered as result of their victim mentality. They feel entitled to stepping on your boundaries with time, space, and resources because of their victim mentality. These are people who will try to make you feel bad if you request proper space from them. Logic and respect mean very little to these people when they are the aggressors.

5. They wear a mask for the first part of the relationship. Things between you and them, as a rule–start off very kind, safe, or like the quiet type when you meet them. A front is put up to draw you in so you wont reject them.

6. Boundaries are easily broken. Things progress too fast, you’ve had sex or you’ve seemed to become the best of friends too immediately– perhaps you thought it was great chemistry? Nope. Before you know it, you now have to listen to how they’ve been wronged in life. It becomes the most constantly discussed topic between you two. Toxic people draw you in too subtly and quickly shatter boundaries for their own wants.

7. They forcibly entangle themselves onto your life. Before you know it, they need to occupy all of your time. If you aren’t with them in person–they need to constantly talk to you through technology. If you have your own life outside of them–say goodbye if you don’t want them in it. Soon, they will have all of your friends numbers and be chatting with them perhaps without you even knowing it! Your independence will terrify toxic people. These people will go out of their way to implant themselves in every aspect of your life. It’s an obsession technique to give them control over you and your time. 

8. They are terrified of being alone. They don’t like themselves no matter what front they put up. If you gain the upper hand and threaten to leave their life–they will try to feed you fake nonsense about life suddenly getting better. They’ve somehow seen the light. Toxic people will trick others into staying with them for their fear of loneliness if the victim card loses it’s appeal. They need to feel wanted and chase after what they feel their life has lacked.