my mind is a safe

just trying to do my bestpacito here

i put new yellow shoelaces on my boots to show people i am Cool. I walk to my work full of old lady cashiers. “I like your shoelaces.” one of them says to me. I see my life flash before my eyes as this ancient test is presented before me

Op did you say it

did you say it op

im the one deliberately killing the conversation

Today a student emailed over a draft of his essay on 1984 and had clearly used a thesaurus on every single word, and how I know this is because the the party slogan ‘Big Brother is watching you’ had become ‘Enormous Sibling is viewing you’ and I lauged so hard I cried

Her shoe just right for her got dan feet

when Don’t Stop Believing comes on and you sing along to every damn word and you pretend like, oh ya it’s bc I’m a total hipster and I listen to classic rock, when really you are just discarded glee garbage

have you ever listened to something so horrible that you just had to continue listening even though it’s much healthier to just stop it cause that’s this

This is what they were training us for…

How can I make it clear to other people riding public transportation that I’m the main character

Alexa, release my inhibitions

Sending your pornhub search history to all contacts in your address book now.

FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN

just so we’re all clear the beach boys would decimate the beatles in a fist fight through sheer Californian force of will