Thoughts to Remember

Sitting in the bathroom at work crying and listening to Pancakes for One.

There’s too much in my head to write down. It all boils down to one thing though. I’m going to get a piece of paper.

Tonight is a night where I think that if I could go back and do it all over again and change it, I probably would. That’s not how it it usually is, and isn’t how it should be.

I’ve been thinking about elementary school. I don’t have any important generalizations to talk about right now though. The wedding invites are finally coming. I’ve been at my house for 4 nights in a row for I think the first time ever. I don’t like it, but it’s tolerable. I don’t know why I’m here. I’m more reflective. I’ve maybe been more productive. I definitively sleep more. I haven’t actually had much time alone though. I need to fix my feet. These words aren’t going anywhere. The book I’m reading is too referential. It’s hard for novels to do that without seeming smug or pretentious. We’ll see. I’ll see?

I don’t know if home is overrated. I haven’t stayed in the same place for long, but I’ve never left the Midwest. Digital spaces are overrated. Maybe just overused. Most people would agree with that, but I don’t think that will change anything. Just like I don’t know how to change. I’m going to walk my puppy and make fried rice. I think tomorrow will be better, but today wasn’t particularly bad.

I'm overwhelmed and sleeping alone. I woke up crying because of a dream about Charles Bradley. Tomorrow will be better. I'll eat green beans.

I can't sleep. I'm writing letters in my head. I don't feel very comfortable writing in this space anymore, but I don't think it's because I've outgrown it. I don't go to bed alone as often. I'd say eighty percent of these have been typed from bed. Work is stressful. It's mostly because I struggle so much to find motivation. I'm addicted to meaningless things. I have so many bad habits, and I'm not moving in the right direction. Everything is so uncertain. I have no goals. I'm really just floating. I don't think that should happen with age. I'm taking the path of least resistance, but I think that's what I've been doing for a very long time. I should be more excited about everything. I often am. Maybe. I really haven't changed very much. I haven't made any decisions tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next year. I'm going to listen to endless this weekend.

I'm so tired. These are always a hard few days. I used up all my emotions this weekend. I'm also just lazy and overwhelmed.

I'm angry too often. I need to learn my emotions. I'm cyclical. I should map them. I didn't wish her a happy birthday. I have another job. Other people have other jobs. I feel trapped. I have no idea where I'll be living next. I think I do though. I'm still full of lies.

People underestimate how much I hate myself. Me too

I had something to say. I'm fake busy. That's not what I had to say. My memories are lies

I'm busy. I'm swinging. I'm loose. Goodnight

I wish I could do everything.

Too much. Too muchhhh. My life is busy again. I need to welcome it. I shouldn't be so afraid, but I need to stay in reality. If I'm there

I'm very glad I'm capable of seeing that the world is so beautiful. Today started terribly. I'm going to do better though. I'm still very happy. Tiny dogs were just biting my hands. I'm going to go to the dog park tomorrow. I'm going to make sure I keep noticing the beauty.

I don't deserve what I have. I don't know what I do deserve. I need to control my consumption. I'm full of vague and generic statements. I need to be more full of love.

I'm blind. I need to stop being so sensitive. I'm not a good person. I need to distance myself.