Ugh

i asked my dad to make me a hot chocolate and he’s literally sawing something in the kitchen rn

listen people are starting to realize tumblr isn’t dead we all need to be as cringe as possible for the next few months, it’s vital to our survival

Just had that locked and loaded huh?

yes, babe, you're sick and twisted, will you come back to bed- what? yes, of course you're evil and irredeemable. now can you please cuddle with me

noticed my coworker was on tumblr so i told them “i like your shoelaces” and they said “never say that out loud to me”

this is the correct response btw

Don’t mess with Dracula.

Don’t mess with Dracula.

Don’t mess with Dracula.

Don’t mess with Dracula.

Don’t mess with Dracula.

Don’t mess with Dracula.

so my roomates girlfriend just caught me in the kitchen and its so hard to play it cool when you never see this person you only hear her yowling like a cat in heat while her asshole gets played with so me, trying to act as casual as i possibly could, forgot i was holding an onion and not a delightful apple and bit into it fully expecting a honeycrisp but instead got the equiv of biting solid piss 

lol wtaf. i can’t read a single word of this paragraph

try you human brick 

I finally found it! You can get the shirt HERE

i want thiiiiisssss

Every child in music class should be gifted this once they’ve mastered this song we all seemingly had to learn.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

hate paper straws ooh it's biodegradable yeah i know because it's biodefuckingrading in my coffee asshole

I bet if a mushroom could lap water out of your hand with a tongue that a gently drinking mushroom tongue on your hand would be the softest and gentlest thing.

jesus christ, i experienced brief but severe grief over not actually being able to experience this.

I think it would feel like a lizard tongue but I've never had a lizard drink out of my hand either, and thus the whole thing remains conceptually elusive.