50 States of McMansion Hell: Texas Part 1
I’ve been poisoning my brain the last couple of weeks narrowing down 2000 prospective McMansions to 16. Please give me a round of applause for this immense personal sacrifice. Instead of ranking them myself like I usually do, I will be doing a bracket at the end of the next post where you can vote for the Most Terrible in Texas! (After all, everything’s bigger in Texas!)
Without further ado, here are our first 8 contestants (in no apparent order):
Comal County (House 1) (AKA: White Castle)
I don’t know if this is “starting out on an easy one” because frankly none of them are easy. To understand the vastness of this sample size, this one random Texas McMansion is the equivalent to the worst McMansion from pretty much every other state in Tornado Alley.
Travis County (House 1) (AKA House of Topiary Torture)
For goodness sake, they’re plants, not poodles, Darleen.
Montgomery County (House 1) (AKA Cascading Nope)
this is the house version of when windows freezes and you can drag the little windows around
I feel like the people who built this house started off with a reasonable house, but, like a zit on prom night, they just kept picking and picking at it and now Joey from math class is staring right at you and your whole life is literally over.
Kendall County (House 1) (AKA Pastiche Castle)
People do realize that all the castles in the US are built by rich people playing king and not actual kings right? Nothing says “I love siege warfare” like a keep that’s half glorified foam.
Denton County (House 1) (AKA Mt Nub)
all you kiddos studying for the SAT can thank me for putting you on the spot with such 10-cent words as “porcine” and “ass.”
Rockwell County (House 1) (AKA The Gray Expanse)
Please keep photoshopping the sky and making my job much easier. The one good thing I can say about this house is that it at least retains the same material throughout instead of playing heirloom quilt with tile and stone.
Collin County (House 1) (AKA The Triple Can)
Big up yours to the NSA for validating everyone’s claims that brutalism is inherently sinister and dystopian.
Last, but certainly not least:
Fort Bend County (House 1) (AKA Casa del Beige)
A politics joke??? In MY blog devoted to lambasting the Ugliness Brought Upon This Earth by the obnoxiously wealthy??
I hope you’re excited for Round 2, which will be posted early next week. We’ve got some, uh, unique houses coming your way! Be sure to check out Patreon where there are 5 Good Houses of the Week if you are in need of an eye rinse. I hope all of my fellow LGBTQIA+ followers had a Happy Pride!!!
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Copyright Disclaimer: All photographs are used in this post under fair use for the purposes of education, satire, and parody, consistent with 17 USC §107. Manipulated photos are considered derivative work and are Copyright © 2018 McMansion Hell. Please email [email protected] before using these images on another site. (am v chill about this)
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