17: Hanging by a Thread
Breaking point | Stress positions | Reluctant Caretaker
Substitute - ears ringing
Word Count: 271
Rays of sun danced in and out of dust motes. The world was silent as the peace after a hard day of work settled over Salix. He felt a moment of detached serenity for the space of two breaths until sound returned in the form of an annoying bell. With it, came the bone deep ache of bruised ribs and the memory of what had happened.
Gasping, Salix jolted upright, searching the battlefield for his companion. It was only supposed to have been a leisurely stroll to focus on his new skill set. Rheya had joined him grudgingly, she had—
“Rheya,” Salix coughed through the dust that hovered around the edges of the crater. He tried again, but could hear nothing but the ringing in his ears.
Salix scrambled up the hill, searching the scorched land for his friend. A glimmer of pale color flitted to his shoulder, the small fae gesturing frantically towards the east. Salix followed Eos without hesitation to where Selene poured her healing might into a prone figure with vibrant locks. When Salix landed beside Rheya, Selene blinked out of existence, but Eos remained. The fae put a delicate hand on his shoulder, then mimed for him to do the same. He did so, fingers quivering while Eos guided him towards the healing side of his magic.
“I can’t,” Salix whispered through half a sob. It was an apology and an admission of defeat. He was newly awakened to his Scholar’s soul stone, a thing that happened by fluke rather than by study as it should.
You must, Eos answered in Salix’s mind. Or she will be no more.
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It's been a while. We've been sick, my son started back to school, and it's just been general chaos lol As far as writing goes, I'm mostly focusing on the next chapter of Healing Hands. It's partially beta'd and mostly edited so hopefully we'll see an update on that this week.
In other news, I just realized it's September which means Whumptober is just around the corner. I have a post for requests here or Ko-fi. If there's a pairing you'd like to see, feel free to send in requests.
This is one of the few events where I take requests first and then fill it in if I don't get enough, so feel free to request a pairing and prompt if there's something you'd like to see!
Welcome to Whumptober 2022, in its fifth year of running!
To those of you who participated last year, welcome back! To everyone new, WELCOME!
Please make sure to read the Event Info carefully, as most of your questions will be answered there already. For everything else, you are welcome to come to our ask box or ask questions in our Discord server here.
This year’s AO3 Collection can be found here.
With that being said, we’re very excited to see the community come together once more and be a wild, chaotic bunch of creators and consumers of whump. Go wild with the prompts, and support your fellow creators, see what juicy whump they’ve created too! We wish you all the fun!
(All 31 Themes + Prompts, Event Information and FAQs are posted below the cut!)
Alright my lovelies! It's that time of year again. Send in your prompts/pairings that you want to see for Whumptober! Requests will be open for a week or two to give me time to work on these!
“I’m only here to establish an alibi.” sounds like a wonderful prompt
[Okay so the intent was to craft a short, punchy little comedy tale, but instead I've somehow wound up with almost 2.5k words of meandering shenanigans instead hahaha. I've borrowed @kunoichi-ume's Noara, @cinlat's Fynta, @humanrevolt's Crow, and a little bit of Jorgan for the ride so I hope it's entertaining at least for that crew? This is definitely one of those bits of writing where I just plonked the characters together and let them talk with next to no planning, I barely feel like I can be held accountable for the nonsense in here!]
A Solid Alibi
“WHOOOOAAAA–!!” Three voices hollered out in chorus as the out of town competitor, a burly selonian with jagged patterns bleached into her dark fur, was sent skidding across the ring. The spectating crowd was beside itself as the victor, a barabel with a toothy grin as broad as her shoulders, shook her still-sparking fists in the air and secured her third championship win.
“Did you see that? Did you see that? Now that was a fight,” Noara gestured emphatically at the holoscreen projected across a generous portion of the hotel room wall, grinning almost as wide as the hologrammatic shockboxing champ that was now graciously helping the selonian back onto her feet. “I don’t care what they say, the Outer Rim competition has nothing on Republic League.”
“I’ll admit,” Ahuska said through a fistful of popcorn. “I enjoyed that a hell of a lot more than I was expecting to. Better than borgleball any day of the week.”
Fynta helped herself to some of the popcorn out of Ahuska’s bowl, even though she wasn’t quite done with her own share yet. “You know we use some shockboxing techniques when we train with our units? One of the first times I-”
“Heyyyyy there ladies!” Fynta was destined to never finish her anecdote when the door to their room burst open, and a wide eyed Crow helped himself inside, his grin just a little more manic than usual. Arms laden with a tray of snacks, he kicked the door shut behind him and swooped over to the couch to set his offering gracefully across their laps.
Noara instinctively got up to make space for him to squeeze in beside Ahuska, but Crow waved his hands and shook his head, still grinning. “Oh no, no, don’t mind me, pretend I’m not here. Only please acknowledge that I’m here. Look at me, here. Here in this room with you.” He motioned up and down his body, and then about the whole room with an exaggerated flourish. “See? I’m not here to get in the way of your fun, I’m just here to establish an alibi.”
“Mmmhmm.” Ahuska’s mouth was now full of chocolate dipped juun berries, and the flat expression she shot Crow suggested she was all too familiar with the expression he wore. “And is there something we should know about before we accept your offering and let you stay?”
Fynta held her tongue, though from her perspective Ahuska had plainly already accepted the offering. She picked out a little bowl of hot spiced nuts for herself, the sort that make one’s eyes water, and leaned back with a tight-lipped smile. It had been a stroke of fortune that had brought them all together on Nar Shaddaa; a mission for herself and Aric, a meetup with an old friend of the clan for Noara and Torian, and… well, she wasn’t entirely sure what Crow and Ahuska were doing here, but she’d learned it was often better simply just not to know when it came to the outlaw couple. The hotel they’d agreed to meet up at and share some rooms for a few nights had overbooked, leaving them six single beds between them, split evenly between two rooms across the hall from one another.
Rather than force one of the couples to be split between rooms, they’d wound up deciding that the most fair arrangement would be to split all the couples, with Noara, Fynta and Ahuska taking one side of the hall, and Torian, Aric and Crow on the other. Aric, with two and a half headache’s worth of surplus paperwork to take care of, was the only one who’d needed a bit of convincing.
Having successfully crashed what Fynta and Noara had dubbed ‘Ahuska’s night of sports education’, Crow now beamed at the trio, fluttering his lashes while he shrugged innocently. “Oh, you know how it is. I… may or may not be a teeny tiny bit responsible for something that may or may not happen at all. I just want to be absolutely certain I don’t get the blame on the off chance that it does. Happen. Because I’ll have been here. Me, here, all night, see?”
“This means we’ll have to keep you under supervision all night, you realise,” Noara stated quietly, with a cheeky twinkle in her eye.
“Oh, yes. But that’s fine, I’ve got some spare binder cuffs with me if we ever need to leave you alone for a bit,” Fynta chimed in.
“Yeah, you’ll have to stay in eye or earshot the entire time you’re here,” Ahuska added swiftly before Crow could say whatever had flashed through his thoughts, and was met with a powerful smirk in return.
“Right, so a running commentary while I’m in the ‘fresher, got it.”
Fynta didn’t miss a beat. “That, or we just cuff you to the ‘fresher for the night.”
“Locked in the ensuite is a pretty solid alibi, don’t you think?” Noara considered.
“Hey. Hey, come on. I said I didn’t want to ruin whatever your plans are here. I brought snacks. I think that’s enough to keep me at guest rather than prisoner status don’t you think…?”
“Oh, yes, definitely. An honoured guest. A privileged guest.” Ahuska grinned at him. “Because you’re going to hang out right here with us and let Noara do your hair the way she’s always wanted while we watch some GWA fights…”
The way Noara’s eyes lit up halted Crow’s protests in their tracks.
“Oh, my stars, yes,” Noara slid the tray to one side to bounce up off the couch, and Ahuska did likewise, leaving the whole thing under Fynta’s jurisdiction.
“Lemme help you get your stuff. Crow, stay put.”
As the two bustled off, Crow found himself in the incredibly rare and unusual circumstance of being alone in a room with Fynta. His own expression came alight when he realised he had the opportunity to discuss something with her that never felt polite to bring up in broader company.
“What is that look for…?” Fynta side-eyed him with caution, lifting a brow as he slid onto the couch beside her.
“So.” He made a show of inspecting his nails before flashing Fynta a bright and knowing grin, waggling his eyebrows. “Fur, huh?”
For a moment Fynta was speechless, staring at Crow slack-jawed until she connected the dots and remembered exactly what their respective partners had in common. Then she laughed, her whole body shaking with mirth as she slapped Crow about the shoulders. “Right!? Nobody else gets it, do you find people can be super weird about it? Like no, no, I’m not into him just because he’s fuzzy, I love who he is and he just happens to also be a species covered in fur.”
“Right?” Crow had to laugh at the way Fynta punctuated her points with a series of emphatic gestures. “And it’s not like I don’t like it, I mean, she’s cute as hell, but I like it ‘cause it’s part of who she is, right? Of course I’m gonna enjoy how it makes her all…” he paused, gnawing on his lip as his cheeks flushed a little.
“Soft?” Fynta offered.
“So soft!” Crow positively lit up, and then touched two fingers to the underside of his chin. “Right here, right? Unbelievable.”
“Don’t tell him I said anything, but with Aric? Just a little higher…” Fynta touched her jawline, just below the base of her ear, her smile growing a little dreamy.
Crow’s grin nearly split his entire face, and then suddenly his eyes widened and he fixed Fynta with a wild and searching look. “Okay okay, but, have you ever had people making the stupid jokes about hairballs..?”
“Oh kriff, yes, and it’s so gross? Why do they even think that’s funny?”
“You know what’s actually funny? Asking di’kuts like that to explain the joke to you. Watching them talk themselves into circles trying to explain what’s ‘funny’ about implying that your partner behaves like an actual nexu.”
“Ha!” Fynta snorted appreciatively. “Oh I’ll have to remember that next time I hear key’shebe making jokes in terrible taste. I swear I get more annoyed than Aric most of the time…”
“What, Mister Stiff Upper Lip? He’s always struck me as the sort who bottles his rage, bet he loves seeing you arc up on his behalf though, heh. You aughtta see the way Ahuska obliterates people who say the wrong thing at the wrong time though!”
Fynta believed she could imagine. “Gets a little savage?”
“She is,” Crow said, lifting his fingers to his lips to perform a delicate chef’s kiss. “Magnificent. Got every right to be though. I never really realised just what asses people could be till I walked through a few Imperial spaceports with her? Feth.”
“Oh, there’s idiots like that on both sides of the war, believe me,” Fynta rolled her eyes, but then flashed Crow a cheeky grin. “Speaking of asses, though. Ahuska once mentioned a… chart…”
Crow started laughing so hard it took them both a moment to realise Ahuska and Noara had returned, their arms laden with a variety of hair products, their eyes wide as they stared at the way Crow was trying to bite back his sniggers.
“I feel like I should be concerned,” Ahuska said to Noara in a blatant stage-whisper.
“Never mind that. Crow! What do you like better, blue or purple?”
It was Crow’s turn to stare. “Uh. What exactly have I signed up for here?”
Noara simply smiled sweetly back at him. “The purple has glitter in it.”
Laughter echoed well into the night, and by the time the first light of day filtered gently through the window the group had managed roughly an hour of sleep between them, and Crow’s hair had never looked more fabulous. Even Ahuska had allowed herself to be given a purple streak to match, after making the mistake of mentioning the fact that she’d never actually gotten her hair coloured in her life, with Noara firmly insisting that the fur dye tattoo on her shoulder absolutely did not count.
The exhausted bliss of a long night in threatened to be shattered when a strangled roar bellowed across the hall, and Fynta startled herself upright, blinking in bleary alarm. “Aric…?”
Crow carefully avoided Ahuska’s gaze while a series of thumps and exasperated snarls continued to sound from the other room.
“...what did you do?” she pressed, while he twiddled his thumbs and ran a hand through his spectacularly quiffed, shimmering purple hair.
“Absolutely nothing. You know I didn’t. I’ve been here literally all-”
A heavy slam interrupted them, as the door was thrust open with uncharacteristic ferocity. There, framed in the doorway, bare chested and square shouldered with only a towel wrapped around his waist to preserve his modesty, was none other than Aric Jorgan. His glare was so fierce his eyes were virtually glowing, and they were fixed on Crow. “Don’t think for a second you’re going to get away with this…”
“Hey hey hey hey, hold up, whatever you think I’ve done, I swear it wasn’t me, just ask any of this lot. I haven’t left this room all night, not since I dropped by after dinner last night!”
“He’s actually telling the truth,” Fynta spoke up, her gaze darting rapid fire between her husband and Crow. “He hasn’t left our sight. In fact, from some point he wouldn’t have been able to leave even if he’d wanted to…” She half-rolled across the floor to where Crow was slumped against the sofa, and tugged on his arm. A clink of chain and flash of metal against his wrist reminded them all that her binder cuffs had, in fact, made an appearance at some point during the night.
Jorgan stared. “Fynta are those…” he blinked several times, then waved a hand and turned his head, shaking it fiercely before storming back out into the hallway. “CADERA! Just you wait till I get my HANDS ON YOU–!”
Fynta, Ahuska and Noara all stared at each other silently for a moment.
And then with a scrambling fit of newfound energy, the three of them darted through the still open doorway, across the hall and into the other room, where a few seconds of confused silence gave way into a rolling, wheezing cackle of boisterous laughter.
“Fynta is that his underwear?”
“Every… every single damned piece by the look of it!”
“Oh, kriffing kad. It’s all frozen solid.”
“That’s the biggest block of ice I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been to Hoth.”
“They really froze all of Jorgan’s underwear into an ice block.”
“What d’you mean they? Crow was with us! All night!”
“Listen he’s going to be raging about this at least until the evening, but… I mean look at it. It’s beautiful. I wish I’d seen his face coming out of the shower and going to get his clean clothes.”
“Do I at least get to see the handiwork?” Crow’s voice piped out across the hall.
And the laughter began afresh as the trio dragged the giant slab of ice across the hall. Crow was wiping tears from his eyes as he stared at the block, an almost perfect cube, knee-high, steaming gently where the warm red-gold Nar Shaddaa light hit it. Like graceful Mon Calamari ballet dancers, fabric swirls in sombre, dark, regulation colours filled the block with a fascinating collection of shapes and shadows. “You’re right. It’s beautiful. I almost wish I could take full credit for it.”
“Is… Torian going to be okay?” Ahuska glanced carefully toward the others.
“Oh, he left early to visit his vode, I was going to meet them for lunch. He’d be four districts over by now. ”
Ahuska always found it quite sweet when Noara tried to use a little Mando’a, but her gaze slide back toward Crow. “And yet somehow you knew tonight would be the night to keep yourself thoroughly supervised.”
“Yeah, well,” Crow shrugged, biting back his grin but absolutely unable to hide just how pleased he was with the results slowly melting on the hotel room floor. “Torian and I might’ve been swapping stories the other night, I might’ve been telling him a few of the pranks my unit pulled back when I was a regular pub army grunt. And when he showed up in the room yesterday afternoon with a brand new mini chest freezer…” Crow shrugged again, flashing them all a dazzling smile. Residual glitter sparkled across his cheeks. “I figured it was gonna be a good night to make myself completely accounted for. Worked, didn’t it?”
The dim roar of a raging cathar drifted up from one of the hotel’s lower floors.
Fynta smothered her smile with her hands. “Worked a treat.”
I wish I had some great news about all the stories I have coming up. But, the truth is, that I've made almost no progress this week. The whole family came down with covid, so I've mostly been lying on the couch wishing I had the energy to write. I have managed a little work on All or Nothing, which had plagued me for a while and some editing on Healing Hands. But, there hasn't been a lot of progress. I'm going to try to at least get a couple of the edited Whumptober bits up this week!
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So, it's been a while since I've done one of these because life has been hectic.
I have a lot of current projects that are waiting on editing at the moment, mostly because I'm not sure which my readers are most excited about so I've been just focusing on what I enjoy.
Here's a rundown of my current stories and the status of the next chapter/update:
- All or Nothing (Kakashi/Sakura, Sakura/Sasuke) - next chapter is written, just needs edited
- Heart in a Silver Cage (Genma/OC (Setsumi) - next chapter is written
- Healing Hands (Tenzo/Sakura) - next chapter is finished with the rewrite, just needs an edit. This story kind of owns my heart, so I've been working on it
- Tale of Two Brothers/Duty (Itachi/Sakura, Sasuke/Sakura) - a lot of scenes in this story are written, I just haven't polished any of it
- Fragile Strength (Kakashi/Sakura) - this is an unposted story that's almost entirely written, it just needs editing
- Some Kind of Disaster (Kakashi/Sakura) - this is a prequel for I'll be the Moon, the first time they slept together and is mostly just smut with plot
- Losing Control (Kakashi/Sakura, Genma/Sakura) - This is a hot mess and I have no idea what to do with. I'd love to plot with someone lol
- Altered Reality (Kakashi/Rin) - The next chapter is in process in the sense that a couple of scenes are written, but I haven't touched it in a while.
I think that's all the stuff I've been working on or need to work on at current. But, I'm always interested in knowing what my readers are wanting to see posted next. So, if you have any preferences or just wanna chat about stories, feel free to message me and let me know what you're most excited for!
Drunken Speeches on Sobriety (Healing Hands, Chapter 16)
New Chapter of Healing Hands is up Archive, and FF! Some of you are going to hate this chapter and the one that comes after it. Trust me, these events are for a reason even though it seems to take us further away from our goal!
New chapter is up! This one is a bit fluffier than the some of the others. Tenzo is adorable and he owns my whole hear. Full story available at the above links, as well as ways to support me if you're interested! Chapter is also below the cut
After completing Ino's evaluation, Tenzo stumbled into blinding sunlight and gulped down a lungful of air. Despite the reassuring warmth of the woman's office, a chill permeated his body, like ice had replaced the blood in his veins. Tenzo's hands shook despite every effort to still them, and his chest felt uncomfortably tight. Sliding his tongue over too dry lips, Tenzo counted to ten, breathing in and out with each number. He squashed the idea that a drink of whiskey would halt the bile rising in his stomach.
"Are you okay?" Tenzo startled and spun on the balls of his feet, reaching for the weapons pouch that he wasn't wearing. Sakura danced backward two steps, out of striking range in case he resorted to hand to hand. "Sorry, I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that. I just thought you might need a friendly face after that. Want to get lunch?"
Raking his fingers through his hair, Tenzo forced a smile that he didn't feel and nodded. The memory of needing a drink sat heavy on his tongue, but the distraction of food might ease the longing. Sakura prattled off questions and observations, which Tenzo mostly ignored, as they walked. He shrugged when she asked what he wanted to eat, and left the decision up to her. His mind felt like it had been rung out by too many questions.
Sakura and Tenzo ended up at Ichiraku, which had grown larger than the single ramen counter of old. The restaurant sported more than a dozen tables now, tucked away from the street's view on the side of the building. They selected a table in the corner even though only one other booth was occupied. Tenzo tried to dispel the nervousness boiling inside of him with a slow exhale. "This isn't the place I imagined you'd pick," he ventured.
Tucking a strand of hair behind one ear, Sakura shrugged. "I wasn't sure if you wanted to be seen in public, and it's pretty quiet in here between the lunch and dinner rush."
Taking a drink of water, Tenzo considered Sakura's implication. He had eaten dinner with her, Naruto, Kakashi, and Sai on numerous occasions over the years. There had been plenty of meals with just Kakashi or Naruto, but never Sakura. Tenzo wondered if anyone would think there was something strange about the pair of them being alone together. He shook his head to clear away that foolishness. They were former teammates after all. "It's fine, good even."
Tenzo stared around the once familiar room, enjoying the quiet atmosphere while his thoughts drifted. He felt exhausted and spent, but also relieved that the first step to getting reinstated was complete. Hope stirred in his chest, suggesting that there might be an end to all this posturing and talking. Eventually, he would get back to taking missions and leading Anbu. Eventually, this would end.
Before long, two steaming bowls of ramen appeared on the table. Sakura broke her chopsticks open with a quick prayer of thanks, then leveled Tenzo with a cool, green stare. "So, how did it go?"
Separating his chopsticks with exaggerated slowness, Tenzo prodded at the noodles until they raised a fragrant cloud of steam between them. Sakura didn't press, but he knew that she was waiting for an answer. Tenzo raised his shoulders in a shrug. "It went fine."
"Fine," Sakura repeated, eyes narrowing as she sipped broth from her ceramic spoon. "What does fine mean?"
"It means she didn't put me in solitary confinement under a doctor's care," Tenzo groused, wondering if that had been a possibility. He reached for his glass and took another long drink. The liquid left him missing the sharp burn of alcohol on his tongue. Tenzo shrugged a second time. "I don't know how these things are supposed to go. I never had to do one until now."
Sakura winced at the words. "What did she ask you about? What did you say? What was her recommendation?"
"She asked me the same questions that you did: am I sleeping enough, do I have nightmares, am I having trouble with my memory, the usual stuff." Tenzo left out the fact that he hadn't been truthful with his answers. What Sakura didn't know couldn't hurt him.
Sakura waited for Tenzo to continue, but he bought himself a moment to think by taking a bite of his food. Ino hadn't asked about the pinkette's presence until the end of the meeting, and then she'd only asked whether or not the results could be shared with Sakura. It seemed innocuous, a pointless question considering Sakura had referred him to Ino in the first place, so he'd agreed.
Despite wanting help, Tenzo held back as much as he dared with his answers during the session with Ino. He suggested that he slept well enough, but left out that it was only because of Sakura's presence the past few days. No, Tenzo hadn't had a nightmare in a while, at least not one that he remembered. He'd faked his way through the questions about substance use by admitting to having a drink sometimes. Honestly, he'd been more open with Ino than he had with Sakura at the first exam; that had to count for something.
"Ino said she'd get the final recommendation to you by tomorrow afternoon." Tenzo took another bite of ramen, letting the warm flavors ease the nausea in the pit of his stomach. His hands weren't shaking as badly as they had been, and the beginnings of relief wrapped around him like a blanket.
For a minute, Sakura didn't speak as she swirled the noodles in her bowl. Tenzo watched her, wondering what she was thinking. After a couple of seconds, she nodded. "Well, that's good. Maybe you'll start feeling better soon."
Tenzo chuckled in the back of his throat, not pointing out that he'd never felt normal in his life. His background wasn't something that he wanted to discuss, now or ever. Changing the subject, Tenzo dipped his head. "Speaking of normal, when do you plan to go back to work? You can't babysit me forever."
Sakura chewed her lower lip before answering, sending a spike of fear through Tenzo. "I was thinking I'd go back tomorrow morning."
Relief and worry washed through Tenzo in equal measure. With Sakura at work, he wouldn't have to worry about what she might see. She wouldn't be there to stop him from doing whatever he wanted. But, he'd be alone again, truly alone for the first time in weeks. He hadn't done well by himself the previous night. How much more difficult would an entire day be? Tenzo thought about his desire to have a drink after leaving T&I. He wondered what he might have done if Sakura hadn't been waiting on him; he didn't like the answer.
Tenzo pushed the thoughts away. He needed to learn how to be responsible for himself again. "That sounds good. I'm sure they've missed your help."
"Yeah, it'll probably be a mess when I get back." Sakura took a final bite of her food, emptying the bowl. Tenzo's remained mostly untouched, but she didn't comment on it. "I need to do a few things this afternoon, but I can stop by later and see how you're doing?"
The question left Tenzo off balance, but a wave of gratitude flooded through him. He had expected Sakura to go back to her life without a second glance. The idea that she would continue to support him after he started talking to Ino surprised him; it shouldn't have. Tenzo nodded. "If you want to."
"I do," Sakura offered with a grin, pushing her bowl away. "Do you think you'll be okay until then?"
Tenzo nodded, wondering if Sakura felt as unsteadied by the day's events as he did. Somehow, he doubted it.
After leaving Tenzo, Sakura spent the next couple of hours running errands and catching up on tasks that needed her attention. As much as she wanted to go to the hospital and start organizing the chaos there, she decided to leave it off until the following day. She hadn't figured out what, if anything, she was going to tell Kazuko about her absence. The man didn't need to know about Tenzo's detox, and he already knew that it was tied up in her duty as shinobi medic, that should be enough for him.
The most important thing that Sakura wanted to accomplish during her free time was to organize her notes on Tenzo's detox. She'd written tons of details over the past couple of weeks, most of them in a battered notebook that she carried in her bag. She spent hours transferring and simplifying her observations, as well as drawing conclusions about them. Eventually, Sakura would need to move everything to Tenzo's medical file, but she wanted to wait until she knew what to record.
After that, Sakura would need to talk to Kakashi about Tenzo's suitability for Anbu. She wanted to let the man detox and get help through T&I first. It took all of Sakura's self control to leave the remainder of Tenzo's recovery in someone else's hands, but she recognized the need to do so. Ino could help in ways that Sakura couldn't. Despite that, she planned to check on the man over the next few days to make sure that he was adjusting to the changes.
Content that she'd recorded everything that she needed to, Sakura made a quick dinner and washed up. Then, she looked around the apartment. After a quick tidy up, she grabbed her jacket and went to check on Tenzo. He'd been alone for several hours, plenty of time to mess up for a second time if he was going to. The idea made Sakura anxious, but she pushed it away. Tenzo would make a good decision, she had to believe that. If he didn't, they'd start over, again.
The chill in the air had grown more pronounced as winter drew closer. Sakura zipped her jacket against the cold and jogged toward Tenzo's apartment. When he didn't answer the first knock, her stomach plummeted to her feet. Had he already thrown everything away?
Just as Sakura was considering whether or not to pick the lock, the door cracked open. Tenzo's dark eyes were shadowed and his face was drawn, but he dipped his chin in greeting. "Sakura."
"Hey," Sakura began, moving into the apartment when Tenzo pushed the door wider. "How are you feeling?"
"Fantastic," Tenzo answered, running a hand through his hair. Sakura had grown used to the way it stuck up in all directions without the head protector to hold it back.
Sakura was surprised to see that Tenzo had changed from jeans to sweatpants after his appointment. Even more surprising was how familiar the comfortable look had become after their time together. Whenever Sakura thought about Tenzo, she pictured him in sweats instead of his uniform. Sakura shook her head to clear away the thoughts and asked, "have you eaten anything?"
"I had a protein bar, does that count?" Tenzo walked over to the couch and threw himself onto it. "I wasn't hungry enough to eat a big meal, and I didn't feel like cooking."
Nodding, Sakura took a seat beside Tenzo. He didn't meet her eyes, tugging at the string of his hoodie and readjusting the way it fit his chest. "It counts," she agreed. "Have you had anything else?"
"If you mean did I go on a bender in the past four hours, then no." Huffing out a breath, Tenzo pushed to his feet. He paced a few steps toward the wall, then turned and walked back.
Sakura chewed her lip as she watched him. "You're on edge, though. Did you take something?"
"Like one of the soldier pills you confiscated?" Tenzo's lips pulled into an aborted snarl as he sighed. "No, I haven't had anything. Just the protein bar."
"Harder than you thought it would be?" Sakura asked, keeping her voice gentle. "I looked into managing the symptoms after medication. The article suggested that patients try meditation, exercise, or finding a new hobby to focus on. You need a good habit to replace the bad."
Tenzo scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Respectfully, that sounds like a load of bullshit."
Exhaling, Sakura counted to ten under her breath. "Probably, but why don't we go for a walk to see if it helps?"
The incredulous look that Tenzo flashed Sakura made her laugh. He scoffed. "Is that supposed to count as exercise, for an Anbu?"
"It's supposed to count for getting some fresh air." Sakura ran her fingers through her hair and pulled it into a ponytail. "Which is good for everything. Now, come on."
After a bit of grumbling and complaining, Sakura got Tenzo out the door. Darkness hadn't fallen yet, but it was already chillier than when she'd arrived. Shivering, Sakura turned to the right and set off at a quick clip. Tenzo followed her after a moment of indecision, catching up with his longer strides. The pair walked in silence, leaving the main village behind while moving toward the training fields.
After Sakura and Tenzo passed the first three training grounds, he huffed out a breath. "Are we going to walk all night?"
Sakura sighed at the man's testiness. She'd been ignoring it all evening, but there was only so much that she could stand. "Only until you stop being grouchy," she shot back, glaring. Swiveling with annoyance, Sakura threw a half hearted punch at Tenzo's shoulder.
The man danced backward, eyes widening in surprise. She swung again, and he sidestepped to the right, brow furrowing. "So what? You're going to beat it out of me now?"
Sakura dipped her head and slid into a fighting stance. "If that's what it takes."
Tenzo snorted and shook his head as he ducked beneath another strike. Sakura attempted to sweep his feet out from under him. Tenzo laughed and brought his hands up. "Fine, but don't blame me when you're too sore to move tomorrow."
By the time Tenzo and Sakura finished sparring, his breath came in urgent gasps that left him dizzy. The bruise purple sky had grown black with only the moon and stars to provide a scatter of light when the clouds didn't block it out. Sakura looked as exhausted as Tenzo felt with sweat that ran down her cheeks and clung to her hair. The woman had improved over the past couple of years, but she didn't have the honed skills of an Anbu operative. Even so, she'd pushed herself hard.
The streets were deserted as they walked, and Tenzo found his gaze drawn back to Sakura. Her sweatshirt jacket was zipped tight against the wind, and she'd shoved her hands into her pockets. Warmth shuddered through Tenzo's body from the fight. The adrenaline of combat was a poor substitute for soldier pills, but it was better than sitting at home and staring at the wall.
After leaving Ichiraku, Tenzo had gone back to his apartment and paced through the rooms. He tried cleaning, reading, and napping, but nothing helped. As dinner time came and went, Tenzo had been annoyed that Sakura hadn't come to check on him. Except, she did; it was just later than Tenzo expected. Which led to them walking home together in near silence.
Tenzo cut his eyes toward Sakura, wondering what she was thinking. The exercise left him more relaxed than he'd felt all day, which was nice, but anxiety crept up the back of his neck. He worried what would happen when he got home, when he spent the long hours of night staring at the ceiling and attempting to fall asleep. He exhaled and pushed those doubts away, bumping Sakura's shoulder with his. "Are you walking me home because you're scared I'll get kidnapped?"
The pinkette turned, looking up at Tenzo in confusion. Then, she laughed. "I don't know if you're pretty enough to be a damsel in distress. They'd probably leave you alone."
Chuckling, Tenzo inclined his head. "Maybe I should walk you home instead, then?"
A flush of pink colored Sakura's cheeks as they entered a more lit area of Konoha, but she shook her head. "I'd beat 'em up if they tried anything."
"Of course you would." Tenzo buried his hands in his pockets, looking down at his shoes. Sakura didn't answer, but pulled her shoulders up toward her ears in a shrug.
A breeze whipped through the street, scattering leaves across the path. Tenzo's apartment loomed ahead, several streets away from Sakura's. They would need to go their separate ways soon, him to the left, and her to the right. Tenzo's feet slowed with reluctance, and Sakura adjusted her pace. "So," he started, pulling a hand out of his pocket to tug at the hem of his sweatshirt. "I, uh, guess it's time to say goodnight."
A small smile darted across Sakura's lips as she paused in the street. "I guess so," she responded, glancing up at Tenzo without moving away. "Goodnight, then?"
Tenzo's heart tightened at the thought of going back to his empty apartment. He frowned, wondering how needy it would sound if he asked Sakura to come home with him, not to mention how improper it was. He didn't care. "Um, I was uh," Tenzo trailed off, aware of the uncomfortable warmth in his cheeks. He shook his head. "Nevermind."
For a minute, the thunder of blood in Tenzo's ears was the only thing he heard. Sakura studied him, then smiled. "Do you want me to walk you back?" The heat in Tenzo's cheeks increased for some reason, but he couldn't answer. "You know, I'd actually feel better if I gave your vitals a once over after that exercise. It's been a while since you pushed yourself that hard. "
Tenzo started to point out that he wasn't the one soaked in sweat after their spar, but the careful phrasing of Sakura's words stopped him. "I'm sure they're fine, and I don't want to inconvenience you."
"You aren't an inconvenience." Sakura hooked her arm through Tenzo's and pulled him forward a couple of steps. "You're still my patient after all."
Lips twitching toward a smile, Tenzo chuckled. "Somehow, I don't find that as reassuring as I used to."
Sakura grinned over her shoulder. "Only if you don't behave."
Safely ensconced in Tenzo's apartment, Sakura shed her jacket and shoes, breathing a sigh of relief. The wind brought out a rosy color to Tenzo's cheeks, so she could only imagine how red hers were. The evening had been colder than she'd expected when she suggested a walk, but she wasn't bothered by that. Tenzo's shoulders weren't quite as tense as they had been, and he no longer looked ready to pace a hole in the floor of his apartment. The exercise had worked, even if he wouldn't admit it.
Sakura hadn't anticipated the man's nervous stammer when it came time to part ways, however. At first, she didn't understand. Tenzo hadn't been afraid of asking for what he needed over the course of his detox, and they'd grown closer for it. But, he'd blushed and stumbled over his words like a school boy. It took her a moment to realize that he didn't want her to leave. He hadn't managed a full night on his own yet, and the idea of trying again must have been terrifying. Though, Sakura struggled to reconcile the idea of an Anbu agent being afraid of anything.
Unaware of Sakura's thoughts, Tenzo walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge. After a couple of minutes, he returned and offered her some water. "Here. You should rehydrate."
"Thanks." Sakura spun the cap off of the bottle and took a long pull, thankful to erase the itchiness in her throat from the cold. Recapping it, she nodded toward the table. "Let me get a look at your vitals to see where we are."
Sakura didn't expect to find anything unusual in Tenzo's pulse when she grabbed ahold of his wrist. The slight elevation of the man's heart rate was likely due to the walk, but it was still lower than most of the patients that Sakura saw. Peak physical conditioning did that, even though Tenzo had missed a couple of weeks. She nodded to herself. "Everything looks good, just as I expected."
Tenzo hummed in agreement, but he didn't speak. When the man glanced away, some of the tension erased by the exercise bled back into his posture. Sakura watched Tenzo for a moment, studying the familiar features of his face, then she reached across the table and patted his knee. "Do you want me to stay the night?" Tenzo's ears flamed crimson, pulling a laugh from Sakura's lips. "As a friend, obviously."
"Obviously," Tenzo echoed, pushing to his feet. He walked back to the kitchen and filled a glass of water for himself. "I'm sure I'll be fine, and I don't want to bother you."
Sakura followed, resting her hand on Tenzo's back as he stood beside the sink. "We've already talked about this; you aren't a bother."
"I feel bad about keeping you out late when you're planning to go back to work tomorrow." Tenzo drained the glass, then turned it upside down in the sink. "What if you stayed for a little while, and I'll see if I can get to sleep early?"
A smile tugged at Sakura's cheeks. "I think that could work."
While Tenzo went to take a quick shower before bed, Sakura finished her water and stole a protein bar from one of the cabinets. The man's apartment had begun to feel more like home than hers, though Sakura knew that would change with time. She'd spent weeks here, watching Tenzo fall apart, then build himself back up. Sakura couldn't help but wonder if they would experience another relapse. Tenzo's recovery would have ups and downs, she knew that, and she wanted to be ready for anything.
After about fifteen minutes, the bedroom door swung open with a soft sigh. Tenzo stepped out, face flushed from the warmth of his shower. Grey sweatpants hugged the man's hips, and a white t-shirt clung to his still damp skin. When he lifted an arm to ruffle through his freshly washed hair, and the bunching of his sleeve over his bicep distracted Sakura from the fact that Tenzo had spoken. Giving her head a small shake, she forced herself to focus. "What did you say?"
"Just that I think I'm going to turn in now." Tenzo walked across the room to turn off the kitchen light. He paused beside Sakura, glancing between her and the bedroom while looking sheepish and uncertain at the same time. "It's been a long day."
Nodding, Sakura crossed over to check that the front door was locked and turned off the light. Tenzo's apartment was familiar enough for her to walk through in complete darkness, at least the main living areas. She hesitated only briefly before opening the bedroom. A soft pool of golden light drove back the shadows beside the bed when Sakura stepped inside. Tenzo had crawled beneath blankets, resting on his right hip and shoulder. She sat down on the opposite side of the bed.
Silence reigned for several seconds, then Tenzo managed a laugh. "This is really awkward."
"It's fine," Sakura returned, stretching her legs in front of her. They were sore from the spar, but no more so than after a normal session. "We've been through a lot of awkward things lately."
Tenzo exhaled and nodded, nestling deeper into the blankets. "I know, but this is—"
"No more awkward than anything else." Sakura adjusted her shoulders against the headboard to get more comfortable. "Now, are you going to turn the light off? You can't sleep with it on."
A huff of breath accompanied the question, then darkness swallowed the room. Sakura stilled, listening to the sound of Tenzo's breathing for several seconds before closing her eyes. The warmth of his bed felt comfortable, and the darkness erased the imagined borders between them. "I know that today was hard," Sakura whispered, letting her body sink deeper into the pillow. "I'm proud of you for sticking with it."
Tenzo hummed in agreement, but he didn't answer. The silence didn't bother Sakura; she let her mind drift as the words tumbled out. "It's going to be difficult, but you can do this. Ino has some great ideas for helping with post traumatic stress and addiction. We've already talked about exercise. It should be easy enough to throw yourself into that as an Anbu. Running, yoga, mountain climbing, sparring, kenjutsu, there's a million options."
"Combine that with counseling and medical support, and you'll be feeling better in no time." Sakura fought down a yawn and opened her eyes, staring at the soft moonlight coming through the window. "We're going to get through this," she murmured.
Tenzo's breath grew deeper as he fell toward sleep. Sakura matched the sound, deciding to give him ten minutes to make certain he was well and truly out before leaving. Smiling to herself, she folded her arms over her stomach and let her eyelids flutter shut. Just ten more minutes.
The next morning, Sakura woke in the quiet calm of Tenzo's apartment with a stiff neck and the horrifying realization that she'd overslept. Tenzo laid on his stomach beside her, one arm pillowed under his head as he faced the wall. Cursing under her breath, Sakura slid off the bed and tiptoed across the room. After easing the door shut behind her, she grabbed the notebook from her bag. Sakura scrawled a quick note and tucked it beneath a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table. Running late for work. I'll stop by later!
Content that Tenzo wouldn't worry about her, Sakura darted out the door. She received several curious stares while sprinting back to her apartment, but she ignored them. There were more important things to worry about, like how she was going to explain being late. Even though she was already an hour behind schedule, Sakura needed to shower after the previous night's sparring session. Throwing her bag onto the bed, she jumped into the spray before it had time to heat, then scrubbed her body and hair in record time.
As Sakura stepped onto the bath mat, she studied her face in the mirror. Smudges darkened the skin beneath her eyes from the irregular schedule of the past couple of weeks. She had planned to put on makeup and style her hair before going into work, but Sakura was too late to bother with that. Swiping through her hair with the towel and brushing the strands flat would have to be enough. Sakura dried off, threw on a pair of scrubs, checked that her bag had everything that she needed, then hurried from the apartment.
Despite planning to reach the hospital early enough to clean up the mess from her absence, Sakura walked through the doors an hour and a half after the start of her shift. People crowded the waiting room, at least half of the chairs taken up by patients of all ages. Employees bustled around the space with smooth efficiency. As Sakura approached the nurse's station, she noticed a familiar form leaning on the counter. The easy conversation died as Kazuko turned. His eyes widened at the sight of the disheveled medic behind him. After a moment, he offered a delayed smile. "Welcome back, Haruno-sensei."
"Thanks," Sakura murmured, feeling a flush of embarrassment rise on her cheeks. She hated looking unprofessional, especially in front of Kazuko. "Give me some time to get settled, and I'll be ready to work."
Turning to the receptionist behind the counter, Kazuko rapped his knuckles twice. "I'll be back in a few minutes to help you get that organized." At the woman's nod, he motioned down the hallway toward the offices, then started in that direction. Sakura had no choice but to follow, as much as it rankled.
Once they were several strides away from everyone, Kazuko glanced over. "Why don't you take the morning to get caught up on paperwork? I can manage the patients for another couple of days."
As much as Sakura wanted to argue, she saw the sense in Kazuko's suggestion. Though the man was too kind to say it, she heard the dig as well. He'd managed the load by himself for weeks; one more day would make no difference. Sakura sighed. She'd held the position of head medic for less than three months, and she was already screwing it up. It wasn't just the struggle of being the Anbu medic, but also balancing the civilian side with Kazuko. Why hadn't Tsunade and Shizune warned her about him?
"I'm sorry," Sakura began, brushing through her hair with one hand. "The past couple of weeks have been hectic."
Kazuko stopped outside of Sakura's office. "It's not a big deal. Tsunade-sama was rarely in the hospital, and there were times that Shizune-sensei left as well. I've had a lot of practice running things."
The words left a sour feeling in the pit of Sakura's stomach. Kazuko was better suited for the job than she was, and he always had been. He pushed his lab coat back and slid his hands into his pockets. A wistful expression crossed the man's face before he continued. "I know I don't have clearance for whatever you've been working on, but if there's anything I can do to help, let me know."
Sakura frowned at the unexpected offer. Could Kazuko have ulterior motives for appearing helpful, or was he just thankful to have her back? She leaned toward the latter. After their jaunt at the bar and his apartment, Sakura suspected that Kazuko might be one of the genuinely good guys left in the world. But, that didn't erase his disappointment in being overlooked for a promotion. Figuring him out was too difficult, at least for the moment. "Thanks," she responded, deciding to leave well enough alone.
If it had been anyone else, Sakura would have taken them out for drinks as a thank you for their hard work. But, after the fiasco with Kazuko a few weeks ago, Sakura didn't think that reintroducing alcohol to their relationship was the best idea. They'd almost gotten back to a semi-normal relationship, and she didn't want to ruin that. Lunch was another option, but Sakura had promised to stop by Tenzo's on her break. Kazuko would have to wait for another day.
Despite Kazuko's efforts at running the hospital, administrative paperwork had piled up on Sakura's desk. Towers of files and reports teetered across the surface, several bearing Kazuko's post-it notes and suggestions. Sighing, Sakura placed her bag on the floor beside her chair and eyed the amount of work waiting on her. It was going to take hours to make a dent in her neglected responsibilities.
Forcing herself to take a breath, Sakura turned her attention back to what needed to be done. It was impossible to complete everything at once, but she could finish one thing, and then another. After a couple hours of using that technique, Sakura's pile grew less in danger of starting an avalanche. She was halfway through a report on a civilian death that needed her signature when someone knocked on the office door. Sakura ran a hand through her hair to smooth the wavy tresses and straightened her shirt before calling out. "Come in."
The door swung inward to reveal Ino, dressed in the crisp grey of Torture and Investigation. The woman tapped a pale folder on the heel of one hand as she swept into the office. Sakura found it ironic that she and Ino had been thrust into roles of leadership within Konoha, whether or not they were ready. She supposed that was a part of growing up, or growing up as a shinobi, at least.
Indicating the chair on the opposite side of the desk, Sakura leaned back and crossed her legs at the knee. The movement released some of the tension that had built in her lower back from sitting at the desk too long. "Hey Ino, what can I do for you?"
The blond closed the door behind her and took a seat across from Sakura. After laying the file on the edge of Sakura's desk, Ino leveled her best friend with a teasing grin. "Before we get down to business, spill it. Have you made any progress with Hot Doctor?"
Hot Doctor? It took Sakura several seconds to realize that Ino meant Kazuko. Unbidden, a touch of warmth rose in Sakua's cheeks. She hadn't told Ino about that night at the bar, though she had no reason to hide it. After everything that happened with Tenzo, the indiscretion with Kazuko seemed a lifetime ago.
Pushing the thoughts away, Sakura rolled her eyes. "He has a name, you know."
"Oh, I know," Ino purred, dragging out the words with suggestive flair. "A name, and the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. Barring mine, of course."
Laughing, Sakura shook her head at the other woman. "Of course."
"Hot Doctor told me where to find you." Ino smiled again, but there was a dangerous, predatory undertone to the expression. "Kazuko seemed worried that you might be getting lost under the paperwork. I almost suggested there were better people for you to get under—"
"Ino," Sakura burst out, blushing despite her best efforts to avoid it. "I told you I don't have any interest in Kazuko, not like that."
Chuckling under her breath, Ino studied Sakura for a long moment. "Do you have that kind of interest in Yamato?"
"I don't have that kind of interest in anyone," Sakura snipped, hating the heat that filled her voice and face. She blew out a breath and tried to regain control of herself. "I'm assuming those are Yamato's results?"
At the mention of the official report, Ino's levity bled away; the set of her mouth and the way she carried herself changed. Sakura marveled at the ease with which her friend switched between her professional persona and the friendly one. Ino's eyes fell on the folder that she'd left on Sakura's desk as she nodded. "That's the official report, yes."
"If I'm being honest, I'm surprised you got Yamato to submit to the screening. His results are," the blond paused, searching for a word, "not good."
Sakura's stomach clenched with nervousness despite having known to expect the worst. Even so, she dipped her head. "If I thought they would be, I wouldn't have required an evaluation."
Reaching across the desk, Sakura pulled the folder closer. Neatly printed font filled the single page nestled inside. She skimmed the words before settling on the final recommendation: one month conditional leave with counseling, then reevaluation. Sakura exhaled, unsure whether to feel relieved or worried that Ino agreed with her. As if she could read her friend's thoughts, the blond frowned. "His answers weren't bad, but I got the feeling that most of them were lies."
Sakura's head shot up, recalling the rudimentary examination that she'd done as part of the physical. Tenzo had lied then, too. Ino shrugged. "He wouldn't tell me what was going on, but there's definitely something."
For some reason, Ino's diagnosis sent a flash of pleasure through Sakura's body. Tenzo hadn't opened up with Ino the way that he had with her recently. She knew that it was stupid to feel satisfaction; he needed to talk about the things that he was dealing with. But, it felt nice to have a part of Tenzo to herself.
When Sakura didn't speak, Ino cleared her throat. "Do you know what's going on?"
"I know what his medical exams revealed," Sakura hedged, trying not to lie while withholding information. She didn't feel comfortable revealing the details that Tenzo shared with her. There was a delicate line between friendship and doctor/patient confidentiality. Sakura walked it daily. "What do you recommend?"
"Without knowing the full extent of Yamato's condition, I would recommend a month of counseling, at least two or three times a week." Ino's brow furrowed as she worked through some detail in her mind. "There are a couple of group meetings he could attend, but we don't get many people at those. So, I'd suggest individual sessions. I could fit him into my schedule, if he'd feel more comfortable. Do you think he'd go for it?"
For a second, Sakura considered the question. Tenzo wouldn't like having to do counseling, but he wasn't going to have a choice. "If he wants to be reinstated for active duty, he will."
Chuckling, Ino dipped her head, then looked thoughtful. "You said there were two Anbu who needed evaluations, right? Your second one never showed."
Saiyo. The memory of the debacle in Tenzo's apartment soured Sakura's mood. She wanted to untangle the situation between the pair, but she wasn't sure how to go about it. Sakura wondered if Tenzo's demons had anything to do with the golden-eyed woman who was so clearly in love with him. It amused her that he ignored Saiyo's heated looks; he couldn't be oblivious to them. Sakura hoped that she'd never been that moony over Sasuke.
Despite her personal dislike of Saiyo, it was Sakura's duty as Anbu medic to get the woman the help that she needed. She nodded to Ino's original question. "There was. I'll reach out and see if I can get them to come in."
Ino glanced down at her wrist, and frowned. "I've got an appointment in twenty minutes, so I better get back to the office."
"Of course." Sakura rose when Ino did and offered a respectful bow between colleagues. "Thank you for bringing the results to the office personally."
"We should catch up soon; it's been a while." Ino turned toward the door, then paused and looked over her shoulder. Brow creased, the woman stared at Sakura for two heartbeats. "You know you can't save Yamato if he doesn't want to be saved, right?"
Panic clutched Sakura, hot and sudden as a kunai through the throat. She shoved the sensation away. "Yeah, I know."
Tenzo's first day alone passed with frustrating slowness. He tried reading, napping, and pacing circles around his apartment, but it didn't break up the monotony of obligatory leave. He worried about the person who was overseeing Anbu in his absence. Had the burden been shoved onto Kakashi's already full plate of responsibilities? Did they choose Sai, perhaps? A different captain? Tenzo hated the questions and the unknowns almost as much as he hated the nervous energy that vibrated through his body.
A few hours ago, Sakura stopped by with a bag of sandwiches from the hospital cafeteria and encouraged Tenzo to eat. The thought hadn't crossed his mind until then, but he made himself try one. When he'd woken up, Tenzo had been surprised to find a note suggesting that Sakura had spent the night. The blankets on her side of the bed were rumpled, but there were no other traces of the woman in the apartment. He felt bad that she'd wasted more time taking care of him when she should have been focusing on herself.
As they were eating lunch, Tenzo started to tell Sakura that she didn't need to keep checking up on him. But, for some reason, the words wouldn't come out. He found that he didn't want Sakura to believe that he didn't need her, as selfish as that was. Knowing that the woman would continue to show up made it easier for Tenzo to keep himself in check. He didn't want to disappoint her by falling back to the same stupid decisions that he'd made in the past.
So, Tenzo paced around his apartment like a caged animal and waited for the evening. The expected knock came near dusk, and he rose almost instantly. He pulled the door open more quickly than he intended, and Sakura's lips lifted in a tired smile. "Hey you," she offered, slipping into the apartment like it was natural. In a way, Tenzo supposed it was.
As Sakura kicked off her sandals, her shoulders slumped with exhaustion. She dropped her bag beside her shoes, then crossed the room to throw herself onto the couch. Nestling into one corner, she tucked her legs under her then looked up at Tenzo. "How are you feeling?"
"Better than you, it seems," Tenzo teased, pasting a falsely bright smile on his lips. Hopefully Sakura wouldn't be able to see through it. "Tough day?"
Sakura rolled her shoulders, producing a low popping sound from her neck. "It was long, with lots of things to catch up on."
Tenzo took a step forward, half intending to massage Sakura's shoulders, then stopped himself. "I'm sorry I make things more difficult."
"It's fine." Sakura flashed the same easy smile that she seemed to manage no matter what was going on. Then, she tilted her head to study Tenzo more fully. "But, how are you, really?"
Raising his shoulders in a shrug, Tenzo joined Sakura on the couch. "I'm going stir crazy here. If I don't get cleared for duty soon, I'm probably going to lose my mind. Do you have any idea how much longer this is going to take?"
While it felt good to get the question out, Tenzo's heart sank when Sakura's eyes darted away from his face. She knew that he wasn't going to like the answer. Sighing, she sat up and worried her lower lip between her teeth before speaking. "Ino brought your results by, yes. She recommends therapy sessions over the next couple of weeks, then we'll evaluate your progress."
"Weeks," Tenzo burst out. Despair crashed over him like a wave, making it impossible to breathe. "Did you tell her I'm already making progress? Can't you clear me for light duty, at least?"
Sakura sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "You knew this was going to take time; don't try to rush it. The earliest opening Ino has is on Friday. After that, we'll see how things are."
"Friday," Tenzo hissed in disbelief. "It's only Wednesday!"
Tenzo wasn't sure that he could spend another day doing nothing while staring out the window to distract himself from how miserable his life was. Sakura didn't answer as she stood and stretched. When she walked back toward the door, Tenzo tried and failed to constrain himself to an annoyed grunt. "So what? I'll go lay on her couch, spill out my problems, and it'll make everything better?"
Sakura didn't comment on the snarky response. The woman's refusal to acknowledge Tenzo's annoyance only stoked his anger. She lifted a long sleeved shirt and sweatpants from her bag, setting them on the floor next to her. "I'm going to change, then we can spar. I think burning off some steam would do us both good."
"Fine," Tenzo grouched, reaching for his shoes. "Anything is better than staying here."
Tenzo and Sakura didn't speak as they walked through the nearly deserted streets of Konoha. The late hour and creeping chill kept most people indoors at this time of evening. Tenzo blew out a breath as he angled toward the training ground that they'd used the previous night. This one provided enough privacy for Sakura and Tenzo to let loose in a way that ones closer to the village didn't. Not that he anticipated needing ninjutsu to win.
Moving through the falling darkness almost felt like heading out for a mission. The realization left Tenzo antsy and frustrated. The idea that he'd be out of commission for another couple of weeks irritated him. He'd been doing better lately; there'd only been one setback. If he couldn't get back to work soon, he would lose his mind. These sparring sessions provided some relief from the nervous tension, but it wasn't enough.
"Same rules as last night?" Sakura turned to face Tenzo in the semi-darkness, her eyes brighter than the dying sunlight behind her shoulder.
Tenzo drew a deep breath and nodded, turning to face the woman. Sakura stood half a dozen feet away, her fingers raised in the universal symbol of readiness. Laughter rumbled in Tenzo's throat; that type of trust would get her killed one day. Tenzo had used the previous spar to test Sakura's skills. He'd toyed with her, feigning weakness to see how she'd improved over the years. While the woman had earned her rank of jonin, she wasn't Anbu, and Tenzo didn't feel like play fighting any longer.
Two minutes into the spar, Tenzo ducked beneath a flat palmed strike and swept Sakura's feet out from under her. She hit the ground hard and glared up at him, teeth gritted against the impact. Sakura had gotten quicker with taijutsu, but Tenzo was faster. He slipped backward without offering a hand to pull her back to her feet. Adrenaline flooded through his veins, producing the only high he was allowed to chase now. Moving felt good, far better than sitting in his apartment all day.
Huffing, Sakura climbed to her feet. As the woman dusted off her pants, Tenzo lunged and drove her toward the trees. Sakura growled and moved backward, blocking the rain of blows with crossed forearms. Even so, the flurry left marks on her thigh, shoulder, and stomach. With every tap, Sakura grew more frustrated. Tenzo didn't bother pointing out that it only made her easier to counter.
Sakura hit the ground five more times in rapid succession. Fury shone in her eyes when she picked herself up the sixth time. Letting out an amused breath, Tenzo dodged a roundhouse kick that would have sent him flying. He spun with the grace of a trained operative, ending with the edge of his hand pressed against Sakura's neck. Her fingers jabbed into his ribs, a poor trade in damage. Tenzo's blow would have crushed her windpipe; at most, Sakura's would have left him sore the next day.
Jerking her chin upward to throw damp tendrils of hair from her face, Sakura glared at Tenzo. "Did you let me win last night?"
It would have been easy to lie, to let Sakura save face. But, irritation and anger mixed with adrenaline in Tenzo's veins, an unfamiliar song after weeks of inactivity. He dipped his head. "Yes."
An expletive burst through Sakura's lips as she shoved Tenzo away with two hands to his chest. The movement was almost as surprising as the curse. He danced backward when she threw herself forward, hands and feet flashing with lightning precision. Tenzo dipped under another kick and struck at Sakura's unprotected leg. She rolled away with the momentum of his attack, coming up two paces from where she'd been. Tenzo nodded in grudging respect and surged forward, blows coming from every direction at once.
Sakura blocked the attacks with her arms and shins, grunting with every jolting contact. Even so, her guard never lowered. Tenzo couldn't get close enough for another killing strike. When he tried to knock Sakura's feet out from under her again, she leaped over his leg and turned. Her fist caught the edge of Tenzo's jaw, landing Sakura's first strike of the evening. It would be her last.
Snapping one hand up, Tenzo caught Sakura's wrist and spun her around. Her back hit his chest with a solid thud that might have knocked the air from her lungs. If not, Tenzo's superior height and weight made it easy to trap Sakura's body against his. She hissed and slammed the elbow of her free arm against his side. Tenzo tightened his hand, opening his stance when Sakura tried to stomp on his foot. "Yield," he demanded through gritted teeth. "It's over."
Unable to break Tenzo's grip on her wrist, Sakura turned into it. Being face to face didn't change much; even if they had been using weapons, Sakura gained access to Tenzo's throat while offering the same to him. Sparks glinted in the woman's emerald eyes as she stared up at him. Sweat ran down Sakura's cheek, clutching at the strands of hair that had come loose during their bout. She almost—Tenzo realized Sakura's intention a second too late. Her knee jerked up between his legs, and his world erupted in pain.
Training kept Tenzo on his feet as waves of agony rolled through his body. He couldn't maintain his grip. When his fingers released, Sakura planted a leg to jump backward, but Tenzo threw himself forward at almost the same instance. Tangling their feet together, he used his bulk to carry Sakura to the ground. Under usual circumstances, he would have softened the blow by trying to catch his weight on hands or elbows. This time, he didn't bother.
Sakura's right hand bounced off the ground with the impact. Before she could gain an advantage, Tenzo caught her wrist and pinned it flat against the grass. Forcing the second into the same position, he blew out a breath. The woman twisted in the scant space between their bodies, bucking and fighting with every ounce of her strength. Tenzo positioned himself higher than Sakura's dangerous knees and pressed his weight onto her hands to immobilize her. "Surrender," he growled.
A swath of dirt covered Sakura's right cheek, and blood oozed from the corner of her mouth when she spat the words. "I yield."
Tenzo remained still for three heartbeats, then he rolled to the side. Sakura rubbed her wrist with one hand and pushed into a sitting position. When the woman didn't spring back to her feet to renew the spar, he settled on the grass beside her. A cool breeze swirled between them, drying the sweat on Tenzo's face. Sakura wiped the blood from her mouth with the back of her hand. "Don't let me win because you think it'll make me feel better," she whispered. "I've had a lifetime of that."
Not meeting Tenzo's eyes, Sakura pulled the tie from her hair and shook out the pale tresses. Guilt settled in his stomach as he laid back on the cold grass. "Okay," he agreed, keeping his voice light to diffuse the tension between them. "That was a dirty move, by the way."
Sakura didn't answer, but Tenzo felt the woman shifting in the space beside him. He didn't press for an apology or conversation; when Sakura wanted to talk, she would. Instead, he focused on the black expanse overhead. When Tenzo exhaled, it was cold enough that he half expected to see his breath. It made the warmth of Sakura's hip next to his more noticable. "Your rule was hand to hand," the woman observed after a moment. "I didn't use any weapons. Besides, Anbu use any tactic to win, right?"
"Except, you aren't in Anbu," Tenzo pointed out. He interlaced his fingers over his stomach and watched several thin clouds scuttle across the moon before continuing. "And, this wasn't a real fight."
"It's always a real fight." Sakura returned, voice soft with melancholy that Tenzo couldn't place.
Tenzo pushed onto one elbow to watch Sakura. She sat with her knees drawn up in front of her chest, arms wrapped around them. Something had calmed the explosive fire of a few minutes ago; Sakura stared at the forest with a pensive expression on her face. "You've improved a lot," Tenzo offered after several seconds of silence.
"Oh, yeah." Bitter laughter bubbled through Sakura's lips. "Twenty-four hours makes a huge difference, huh?"
"You know that isn't what I meant." Tenzo pushed himself upright and bumped Sakura's shoulder with his. The woman's shrug brought a frown to his cheeks. "Are you okay?
A soft exhale answered the question. Something unfamiliar tightened in the pit of Tenzo's stomach. It had been a long time since he fought with Sakura, or anyone who wasn't Anbu. Had he overdone it? "Did I hurt you?"
Shaking her head, Sakura glanced over at Tenzo. "No, and I don't need any special favors. I've never measured up, so I'm used to it."
"I didn't pull my punches because I thought you were weak," Tenzo argued. Even as he said the words, shame twisted inside his chest. Had he gone easier on Sakura than he would have with Saiyo? Had he treated her as less than him because of the difference in their ranks? He shook his head. "I held back because we're friends, and that's what you do in a friendly spar."
Sakura scoffed and rolled her eyes. "No, friends push each other to get better."
"I didn't hold back my attacks. I just stopped them from being lethal," Tenzo pointed out with a huff. "You've gotten better. Three years ago, you wouldn't have been able to land a single hit.'
"I barely managed one," Sakura groused, stretching her legs in front of her. "That isn't much improvement."
Chuckling, Tenzo nudged Sakura a second time. "So, you're trying to join Anbu instead of being content as a jonin?"
Emerald eyes cut up to Tenzo's face, then rolled toward the sky. "No, but—"
"No, but you landed one hit on the head of Anbu, a shinobi who has been in the organization longer than you've been alive." Tenzo shook his head at the realization of how old he'd gotten before offering a tight smile. "I'd say that's an improvement."
A flush of approval appeared on Sakura's cheeks. "Should I turn in my application, then?"
Bile flooded Tenzo's mouth at the thought of Sakura joining Anbu. "No, absolutely not."
The woman's smile fell, and hurt crossed her features. "I was—"
"You're too good for Anbu," Tenzo clarified, surprised at the heat in his voice. Warmth bloomed in his cheeks as he realized how strongly he felt about the issue. Anbu would destroy the gentleness and hope that made Sakura who she was. "You're better than the rest of us."
Sakura chuckled under her breath. "Yeah, that's exactly why they won't make me an elite soldier, because I'm better than them."
"They won't make you Anbu because you're too valuable to risk." Tenzo wondered if Sakura had had aspirations to join the Black Ops. He couldn't imagine anyone less suited for the position, except for Naruto with his penchant for ignoring orders, perhaps. "You're too valuable for a lot of reasons."
"Yeah, no other shinobi could run the hospital so poorly that a civilian could do it better," Sakura grumbled.
Tenzo frowned at the sharpness in the woman's words. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Don't worry about it." Sakura pushed to her feet and brushed the dirt off of her pants before offering a hand. "It's getting late; we should head back."
Tenzo worried as Sakura pulled him back into a standing position. Was she having trouble at work? Was it because he'd taken up so much of her time with his personal problems? Did he need to talk to Kakashi about the load of responsibilities on Sakura since she took over as Anbu medic? Was there something deeper going on?
The questions buzzed in Tenzo's mind like insistent flies, but he knew that now wasn't the time to ask. Sakura didn't want to get into an explanation or she would have. He nodded and let her keep her secrets. "You're right. Since it's been a rough day, I'll make dinner for you when we get home."
The corners of Sakura's lips lifted in a smile. "Thanks, I'd like that."
The new chapter is up on Ko-fi for early access followers, and will be posted either tomorrow or Saturday on A03 and FF! There's a little sneak peek of these cuties under the cut!
Tenzo cut his eyes toward Sakura, wondering what she was thinking. The exercise left him more relaxed than he’d felt all day, which was nice, but anxiety crept up the back of his neck. He worried what would happen when he got home, when he spent the long hours of night staring at the ceiling and attempting to fall asleep. He exhaled and pushed those doubts away, bumping Sakura’s shoulder with his. “Are you walking me home because you’re scared I’ll get kidnapped?”
The pinkette turned, looking up at Tenzo in confusion. Then, she laughed. “I don’t know if you’re pretty enough to be a damsel in distress. They’d probably leave you alone.”
Chuckling, Tenzo inclined his head. “Maybe I should walk you home instead, then?”
A flush of pink colored Sakura’s cheeks as they entered a more lit area of Konoha, but she shook her head. “I’d beat ‘em up if they tried anything.”
“Of course you would.” Tenzo buried his hands in his pockets, looking down at his shoes. Sakura didn’t answer, but pulled her shoulders up toward her ears in a shrug.
A breeze whipped through the street, scattering leaves across the path. Tenzo’s apartment loomed ahead, several streets away from Sakura’s. They would need to go their separate ways soon, him to the left, and her to the right. Tenzo’s feet slowed with reluctance, and Sakura adjusted her pace. “So,” he started, pulling a hand out of his pocket to tug at the hem of his sweatshirt. “I, uh, guess it’s time to say goodnight.”
A small smile darted across Sakura’s lips as she paused in the street. “I guess so,” she responded, glancing up at Tenzo without moving away. “Goodnight, then?”
Tenzo’s heart tightened at the thought of going back to his empty apartment. He frowned, wondering how needy it would sound if he asked Sakura to come home with him, not to mention how improper it was. He didn’t care. “Um, I was uh,” Tenzo trailed off, aware of the uncomfortable warmth in his cheeks. He shook his head. “Nevermind.”
For a minute, the thunder of blood in Tenzo’s ears was the only thing he heard. Sakura studied him, then smiled. “Do you want me to walk you back?” The heat in Tenzo’s cheeks increased for some reason, but he couldn’t answer. “You know, I’d actually feel better if I gave your vitals a once over after that exercise. It’s been a while since you pushed yourself that hard.”
Healing Hands - the next chapter went to my beta yesterday. It tripled in length and got multiple new scenes, so it took a little longer. I'm also working on the following chapter while I have momentum because it needs a complete rewrite
All or Nothing, Losing Control, Heart in a Silver Cage - the next chapter of these are written, they just need editing
Some Kind of Disaster (prequel to I'll be the Moon and All or Nothing) - finished and needs editing (all 12k words and smut)
Altered Reality - bless you if you're look for this story. The next chapter is partially written, but I'm struggling through the chunin arc
In addition to these, I've been working on Duty (which is Itachi/Sakura), Fragile Strength (KakaSaku), and finishing Whumptober editing (lol it's almost time for the next one)
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New Chapter of All or Nothing is available below the cut or on A03 and FF with better formatting! Feel free to ask questions about specific sections or statements or anything you’re curious about, I’d love to interact with you guys over this story! If you like what I’m doing, support me on Ko-fi! Also, don’t forget to follow this blog for the quickest updates on stories (on tumblr at least). Enjoy!
The sound of an overly exuberant voice woke Sasuke the following morning. He frowned at the soft colors on his face as sunlight played through the thin curtains covering the window of Naruto's office. The couch was more comfortable than the ground that Sasuke usually slept on, but he was a touch too tall to stretch out completely. He remained still for several long minutes, listening to the voice that could only belong to Naruto's son. Sasuke thought the boy was about the age of Sarada, but he didn't know much about him beyond that.
Sasuke sighed and pushed himself into a seated position. The previous night hadn't gone the way that he'd expected. Maybe it would have been better to stay behind and talk to Sakura about everything, but she'd been angry and drunk. The woman hadn't been ready to see reason, and Sasuke didn't have the energy to cover the same ground again. They fought often enough about his time outside the village that it sounded rehearsed.
Guilt nagged at the back of Sasuke's mind when he realized that he'd missed Sarada's birthday. He'd known it was coming up, but he couldn't remember the exact date at any given time. Sasuke had been out of the village for so long that he hadn't seen a calendar in weeks. He should have known that their birthdays were soon, but he hadn't realized how close they were in the chaos of everything that he'd been through.
The sound of laughter rang through the house a second time, followed quickly by a feminine shushing sound. Sasuke turned toward the door and wondered if he felt up to the inevitable questions that would follow last night's fight. Naruto had stumbled outside in a daze when he heard Sasuke tapping at the bedroom window. Sasuke had considered letting himself into the office, but decided against surprising his old teammate that way. He'd had enough surprises for one night.
Sasuke shook out the dark cloak that he'd used as a blanket so many times on his adventures. He'd pulled it over himself the night before instead of bothering Naruto to find him a blanket and pillow. He'd just finished buckling the fabric around his neck when the soft creak of the door sliding open and the pad of feet gave away that someone had entered the room.
"You're getting out of practice," Sasuke chuckled, not bothering to turn around as he stared out the single window behind the desk. "I heard you coming a mile away."
Naruto's laugh was soft, not abrasive and loud as it had been when he was younger. "How did you sleep?"
Sasuke rolled his shoulders to test the tension. "Better than some nights, not as good as others."
Naruto dipped his head as Sasuke turned around. It took him a minute to reconcile the boy from his memory with the man standing in front of him. No matter how many times Sasuke saw his former teammate, he had to remind himself that they'd both grown up. Most of the time, he still saw the wild haired, orange-jacketed kid from his genin team. It contrasted sharply with the man scheduled to become the next hokage.
"So," Naruto exhaled in a quiet whistle as he crossed the room to lean against the wall. "What happened?"
Sasuke rubbed a hand over his eyes, trying to erase the exhaustion that sleep couldn't fix. "I screwed up again, you know that."
"Over Sarada's party?" Naruto slid a hand into the pocket of his pants, affecting a nonchalance that Sasuke saw right through. His friend was disappointed in him as well.
For a moment, the entire conversation struck Sasuke as comical. The idea that Naruto would be the person to give him relationship advice with Sakura was absurd, on so many levels. At least, it would have been ten years ago. Now, it almost made sense. Sasuke wasn't sure whether to feel amused or depressed. "That's part of it, I guess. It's just another time that I've disappointed her by being out of the village."
Naruto didn't respond at first, staring at Sasuke with a mixture of pity and frustration that almost echoed Sakura's gaze the night before. Sasuke growled in frustration. "Go ahead, let me have it. Tell me that I'm a terrible husband."
The silence stretched for a moment longer, then Naruto shook his head. "I don't think you're a terrible husband, but your priorities are out of order."
Sasuke couldn't stop the scoff that rose in his throat. "That's rich, coming from you, Mister 'I'm going to be the hokage one day'. That's all you talked or thought about for years."
"I've learned to balance the two," Naruto began. Then, half of his mouth turned up in a grin that made him look fifteen years younger. "Most of the time, anyway."
Sinking back onto the couch, Sasuke nodded. Somehow, Naruto managed his family with an ease that Sasuke had never been able to find. No matter how many times he told himself that he should be home, he always found another mission that needed his attention. There were so many dangers lurking outside the village. Sasuke could stop them when other shinobi couldn't. At least, that was how he felt. Being gone was the best way to protect the people that he cared about.
"I have been wanting to talk to you about Sakura." Naruto seemed uncomfortable with the silence between them, smoothing his shirt down over his waist. "I hoped that you'd be back in time for her and Sarada's birthdays."
Naruto trailed off and Sasuke felt a second wave of guilt wash through him; he'd forgotten both of them. Sasuke knew the birthdays were coming up, but he hadn't realized the date. He would need to make it up to them somehow. Sasuke could buy Sakura flowers or chocolates, then get his daughter—well, whatever it was that you bought little girls. "I know," he answered, unable to find an excuse for his forgetfulness.
Naruto sighed deep in his chest and shook his head. "I wanted to talk to you before their parties. Sakura hasn't been doing well lately."
Dread wormed its way down Sasuke's back, sliding between his shoulder blades like an icicle. He couldn't bring himself to ask what Naruto meant, but he didn't have to wait long for the man to continue. "She hasn't been happy, not like she used to be. I assumed you guys had a fight before you left on this latest mission. For the last month or so, she hasn't been herself."
Sasuke frowned, thinking back on the last mission that he'd taken. There had been a lead in the Land of Iron, ruins that might or might not be linked with Kaguya. It had taken longer to find than he expected, and there had been more resistance around the compound. Sakura had asked him not to take the mission; she'd asked him to stay and spend time with Sarada. But, he'd ignored the request, doing what he'd always done.
"Hasn't been acting like herself?" Sasuke prompted, trying to remember how long he'd been out of the village this time. It felt like longer than a month, but probably no more than two. Sakura must have been okay for a couple of weeks, then realized he wouldn't be back soon. He couldn't help but wonder if things would have been better if he'd stayed behind. Would it have avoided another fight? Or, was that only putting off the inevitable?
Naruto lifted his shoulders in a helpless shrug. "Normally, Sakura is sad that you're gone, but she stays busy with work and Sarada. This time was different; she didn't bounce back."
Exhaling, Sasuke dropped his head into his hands. This guilt was just another failure to add his impressive list of screw ups. He didn't want the details, not really, but some part of him couldn't stop from asking. "How bad was it?"
"It's like she lost the spark that made her Sakura. She was a different person," Naruto concluded with a huff that meant he had no better way to describe it. "I don't know, she just changed. She looked almost happy again at the party though."
"Because she was distracted." Sasuke rubbed his forehead and sighed, remembering the image from last night. He didn't want to ask Naruto about that, but he couldn't seem to hold the words back. "She was drunk when I got home. Very much so."
The widening of Naruto's guiltless blue eyes released a wave of tension in Sasuke's chest. He was surprised by Sakura's behavior, which meant that it wasn't a regular occurrence. "She was fine at the party. A few of us stayed behind to help her clean up, then she was going to get Sarada in bed and sleep."
Something painful tightened behind Sasuke's sternum, a memory that he'd suppressed years earlier. He remembered the birthdays that went by after his family was gone, the quiet emptiness of his one bedroom apartment and the longing for a happier time. Did Sakura look back on the days that they'd spent together? Had he ever been present at a birthday party to give her fond memories?
"She seemed happy when Hinata and I left. Kakashi stayed to help her finish cleaning up so we could get Boruto to bed. He would know if anything happened." Naruto pushed away from his desk with a shrug. "But, the important question is what you're going to do now."
"I suppose it's too late for flowers to fix this," Sasuke joked, running a hand through his hair.
Naruto clapped his friend on the back. "If I've learned anything, it's never too late for flowers."
Nearly two hours later, Sasuke found himself standing outside the door to his house for the second time in two days. He'd taken a quick shower at Naruto's place, then stopped by a florist to pick up a spray of white, pink, and blue flowers. The woman behind the counter prattled on about the meaning of hydrangeas, which Sasuke was fairly certain made up this bouquet, and a variety of other species. He told her to select whatever she thought would be best, but now he felt foolish, standing here like he was waiting for a date.
Sasuke blew out a breath and raised a hand to knock on the heavy door. He could have unlocked it with his key as he'd done the previous night. He could have shunshinned directly inside, but he knew that Sakura was upset. If she'd wanted him to come home, the woman would have come to him the previous night. She had to know that he'd gone to Naruto's after leaving. But, she hadn't made an effort.
Knocking felt awkward, but Sasuke did it anyway. He almost laughed at how apt the metaphor was for his married life. He didn't know how to act with a wife and a child. His father hadn't been exceptionally loving or gentle with his mother, and most of his memories were of other things. Fugaku had been driven and focused, much like his son though Sasuke wasn't sure how deep the comparison went.
"Coming!" Sakura called from deeper in the house, shattering Sasuke's thoughts. His stomach tightened in anticipation that tasted almost like fear as the door pulled open. Sakura's eyes widened. "Sasuke."
Unsure what to say, Sasuke offered the flowers. "These are for you."
"I, um, thanks," Sakura responded, reaching out to take the flowers with a surprising twist of her lips. Sasuke wondered if she read something in their meaning that he hadn't quite intended. She pushed the door wider. "You don't have to knock, you know. This is your house, too."
Sasuke dipped his head, nervousness twisting through him. "I wasn't sure if you wanted me here."
Once upon a time, Sakura would have pulled Sasuke closer and kissed the question from his mind. He recalled those earlier days of their relationship, when she'd been completely enamoured with him. Things had been much easier then. But, the weight of the village had dragged on Sasuke's shoulders too much for him to stay put. He could feel the stares any time he went out, the accusations of loved ones lost through his actions. It seemed that nobody cared how many lives he'd saved; there was no way to erase the black stain on his name.
Sakura stepped back and Sasuke followed her, closing the door behind him. Walking deeper into the house, Sakura called over one shoulder. "Sarada isn't here. She went over to mom's for the day."
Relief and guilt filled Sasuke at the words. He'd been gone for almost two months; he should have wanted to see his daughter. He supposed that he did, but he and Sakura needed to talk. "Okay," he responded, removing his shoes and dropping his bag in the entry.
Without waiting for Sasuke, Sakura walked toward the kitchen. Water ran from the tap, splashing into the sink below before the sound changed. By the time Sasuke joined her, the flowers were nestled comfortably into a vase and Sakura was wiping the splashed water from the counter. He exhaled, watching the woman with an overwhelming sense of sadness. "Can we talk?"
Sakura froze for three seconds, forgetting to swipe the water away. "About what?"
"About this, us," Sasuke explained, trying to convince himself that he wanted to have this conversation. He couldn't; it felt like torture. "How long are we going to keep doing this?"
Sakura's shoulders tensed as she folded the rag and tossed it over the divider in the sink. "Doing what?"
"Pretending." Sasuke didn't move from his spot by the counter, but he saw a tremble pass through Sakura's body. He couldn't bring himself to stop, however. "Holding on to something that hasn't been there for a long time."
As much as the words hurt, Sasuke felt bitter relief when they left his lips. The discussion with Naruto had been enough to spark the realization that this conversation had been a long time in coming. Sasuke had taken for granted that it wasn't necessary because Sakura hadn't brought it up. She had always been one to speak her mind without fear or consequence. Sasuke expected that Sakura would be the first person to tell him that she was unhappy, not Naruto.
"You don't owe me anything," Sasuke continued, fighting through the lump in his throat. "This isn't the life you pictured. You deserve more."
A soft sound rose from Sakura as she reached for the rag a second time, attacking a sticky place on the counter. She didn't answer, however. Sasuke walked around the island and rested a hand on his wife's shoulder. Sakura didn't lean into the touch. She'd done that so often in the past that Sasuke took for granted that she always would. Now, it felt like a slap in the face.
When Sakura turned, tears spilled down her cheeks. "I'm sorry."
Something deep inside Sasuke's chest twisted at the words, but he ignored it. He wasn't ready to grapple with emotions, not yet. "It's not your fault. But, it isn't mine either; I can't be the person you want me to be. I can't stay here and play house while the world outside of Konoha burns. It's only a matter of time before it spills over to the village."
"Can't, or won't." Steel slid into Sakura's words as her gaze flashed up to Sasuke's. "You can't stay in the village? Or you choose not to?"
Sasuke sighed at the familiar words. Why couldn't he make Sakura see his side of things? "That's not fair."
Another shudder of emotion worked through Sakura's body. Sasuke assumed that the woman was going to explode the same way that she had when he'd brought up fairness the night before. Except, Sakura only laughed, bright and bitter as a winter morning. "Life isn't fair."
For a long, miserable minute, Sasuke stared at Sakura in surprise. Gone were the arguments about why they should be together and the begging. The change hurt more than Sasuke expected. Sakura came to terms with their marriage ending in a single breath, as easily as if she were waking up from a dream. After everything they'd been through, Sasuke couldn't convince himself to feel the same. An unsettling realization sank his stomach. "How long," he asked.
Sakura tipped her head to the side, studying Sasuke through blurry eyes. "How long, what?"
"How long have you known this is where our marriage was going?" Sasuke gazed at his wife, searching for emotion in her eyes. He expected shame or pity, but found only consideration.
The woman shrugged and laid the cloth back in the sink. "Does it matter? The signs have been staring us in the face for a while."
Sasuke raised a hand to reach for Sakura, then let it fall back to his side. "It matters to me."
Turning away from the kitchen, Sakura moved into the living room like she could escape the discussion. Sasuke followed, determined to end the facade for both of them. "How long have you been doing this because you felt like you had to instead of because you wanted to? When was it over for you?"
Sakura dropped onto the couch and pulled her legs against her chest. She wrapped an arm around her shins in a gesture that made her look younger and more insecure than she really was. At least, Sasuke thought it did. Sakura rested her forehead against her knees and mumbled something too softly for him to hear. Sasuke cleared his throat, asking for more clarification without speaking. "Eight months ago," Sakura whispered.
The amount of time surprised Sasuke, both that it was so recent, and so long ago. He racked his brain, searching for what had happened to change her mind. There was nothing significant. "What was it? What did I do?"
"Do we have to talk about this," Sakura's voice took on a pleading tone, but there was a guardedness to her words. "The past isn't going to change anything."
Sasuke lowered himself to the opposite side of the couch, feeling stunned by the sudden change his life had taken. "I want to know."
Sakura chewed on her lower lip the way that she did whenever she was nervous. "I had to go to Kiri to train some of their medics, and I wanted you to come so we could have time alone. You chose a mission instead."
"I'm sure it was necessary," Sasuke began, wracking his brain to try and remember what mission that would have been. His days out of the village blurred into a miserable flow of harsh nights and empty days. Only the fights between the calm stuck with him.
Sakura raised her gaze, fire flashing in the emerald depths of her eyes. "It's always a choice; it's as simple as saying no."
"Why was it so important to you," Sasuke asked, dreading the answer. It hadn't been around Sakura's birthday since that had just passed, or Sarada's. He couldn't find a significant date during that time period. Eight months ago was indistinguishable from all the other missions that he'd taken. "What did I mess up that time?"
A broken sob tore its way out of Sakura's throat. "That time, it was my fault."
Ice flooded Sasuke's body, temporarily numbing everything except the shock of the implication. "How could it be your fault?"
The woman shook her head, leaving Sasuke to search for meaning in the cryptic words. Sakura had always been the steadfast, consistent one. She'd loved him since they were thirteen. She'd always believed that she could change the course of Sasuke's life. And, she had, in so many ways. Sakura had altered everything. She'd gone further than anyone else to make Sasuke believe that he could change after the tragedies of his past.
An unfamiliar emotion rippled through Sasuke's body, sharp and hot enough that he couldn't fit another breath beside it. His hand tightened into a fist that he forced himself to release. Chakra jumped in response to his fragile hold on his temper. "How was it your fault?"
"Sasuke, please," Sakura began, reaching toward him like she could protect him in the same manner she had so many times in the past. "Knowing won't make any difference."
Sasuke had always rolled his eyes when people talked about out of body experiences. Now, as the room narrowed with painful clarity, he understood. Sasuke watched the tears spill down Sakura's cheeks as she bit her lip, fighting to hold back sobs. Sasuke sat across from her, mouth falling open as realization dawned. A voice very much like his asked, "what happened eight months ago?"
Sakura's eyes darted away, looking up at the ceiling. Sasuke watched the woman struggle with her next words, but no amount of preparation could soften them. "It was a mistake—"
"Who was it?" Sasuke's voice didn't shake on the question. He stared at Sakura, seeing a stranger for the first time. "Do I know him?"
Unable to take the whirlwind of emotions fighting for control, Sasuke pushed to his feet. He paced four quick strides away from the couch and stared at the wall. Chakra sang in the distance like thunder as lightning sparked along his fingers. Sasuke forced himself to take another breath before turning back to face Sakura. "I asked if I knew him," he growled over the sound of her tears.
"Why does it matter," Sakura asked. Pain choked her voice, leaving it strangled.
An image rose from the depths of Sasuke's rinnegan enforced memory: two glasses sitting on the kitchen counter. Rage bled crimson across his vision until he closed his eyes to contain the ocular jutsu. "Are you still seeing him?"
Sakura's answer came a heartbeat later than it should have. "No."
Sasuke took a steadying breath, pushing chakra further beyond his reach. "When was the last time?"
Seeming to reach some kind of resolve, Sakura squared her shoulders and stood up. She blew out a breath as if the confession had lifted the weight from her shoulders. "It's been a month."
Unable to contain the morbid curiosity that constricted his chest, Sasuke snorted. "Why did you end it?"
"I didn't." Sakura hiccuped through her tears and shook her head. After a second, her splotchy red face contorted with bitter laughter. "He did."
Sakura was drunk and crying at the kitchen table. There were two glasses. She wasn't upset over me; it was over someone else. Sasuke stared at the pinkette, dumbfounded. "Why?"
Huffing out a breath, Sakura shot to her feet and stalked past Sasuke. She pulled open the cabinet where she kept the alcohol, and poured a measure of golden brown liquid. Without looking at him, Sakura tipped the glass and drank it like a shot. Sasuke wasn't sure whether to be impressed or terrified as she thumped the cup back onto the counter. "Apparently it's wrong to sleep with someone who is married, even if their spouse never comes home."
As much as Sasuke wanted to respond, he held his tongue. He reached past Sakura for a glass, then filled it from the same bottle that she'd used. Alcohol wasn't his usual vice, but Sasuke needed something to cushion the shock. The sharp bite of whiskey raced down his throat as he retreated to the opposite side of the counter. Dozens of questions crowded Sasuke's mind, but only one mattered. "Are you in love with him?"
Sakura didn't speak as she refilled her cup. She didn't raise it back to her lips however; she stared down at the drink as if it might offer an answer that she couldn't find on her own. "I don't know."
Scoffing, Sasuke turned his glass in a slow circle as he considered who Sakura might have had an affair with. Whomever it was would have been with her in Kiri, as well as Konoha. If it was a stranger, Sakura would have told him outright. The woman was forthright enough for that. Sakura hesitated because she didn't want Sasuke to make a scene. He didn't blame her. The betrayal was too recent for him to be sure what he wanted to do with the information.
As the silence dragged on, Sasuke ran through the possible candidates in his mind. If it was someone that he knew, that excluded a colleague from the hospital. He hadn't met any of Sakura's work acquaintances. Naruto was a laughable option after everything that they'd been through. The man was too pure to betray his vows to Hinata. Out of their immediate friends, Sai, Shikamaru, Choji, and Lee were all married; he couldn't imagine them being the culprit. Ruining one marriage with an affair seemed like enough damage.
The detail about Kiri irritated Sasuke; it didn't fit the pattern. It was easy enough to believe that someone in Konoha would have fallen for Sakura. She was beautiful and compassionate. To sleep with someone in Kiri, the man would have needed to be there as well. It was possible that someone could have been on a mission in the area, then come to the hospital after an injury, but that stretched plausibility. It was almost certainly someone who was already in Kiri, likely a diplomatic—
Kakashi stayed behind to help. Naruto's offhand comment resurfaced through the turmoil in Sasuke's mind. He almost laughed it off. Sure, Kakashi would have been a part of diplomatic missions to Kirigakure, and he and Sakura's paths crossed frequently with her administration duties at the hospital. But, he was their former sensei and nearly twice her age.
Doubt gnawed at Sasuke's certainty. Kakashi was present in the village, and arguably attractive. The man couldn't have been blind to Sakura's developing beauty over the years. But, was proximity the only thing it took to turn his wife's head? Were they both swayed so easily? Sasuke massaged his temple, trying to make sense of the impossible.
Kakashi stayed behind. Sasuke had felt the familiar chakra signature when he'd entered the house the night before, but he'd written it off as residual from the party. Two glasses on the counter, almost like Sakura had shared a drink with someone. A nightcap turned into an argument. Sasuke struggled to organize his thoughts, but one thing was clear. Kakashi stayed. Kakashi.
"Tell me I'm wrong," Sasuke growled; disbelief stole the gentleness he'd meant to use. Blood roared in his ears, pounding alongside his elevated heart rate. "Tell me you aren't sleeping with Kakashi."
Sasuke's chest clenched tight when Sakura didn't deny it. She gave no indication of surprise except for the fresh tears that sparkled in the corners of her eyes. "I didn't mean for it to happen," she whispered, instead. "We've wanted to see his face for years. One thing led to another . . . ."
The words washed over Sasuke like a wave, drowning him. He squeezed his eyes closed to shut off Sakura's explanation. Kakashi. Sasuke couldn't let it go. He turned over the idea of his wife with their former sensei together until the sharp edges left him bloody. When Sasuke brought his gaze back to Sakura's, she'd fallen silent. A second memory returned, and his stomach tightened until he thought he would vomit. "You didn't answer my question: are you in love with him?"
After wetting her lips with a drink, Sakura walked over to the island and set the glass across from Sasuke. "It's complicated," she began, reaching for his hand.
"He is twice your age," Sasuke interrupted, choking out a bitter laugh as he pulled away. "What could you possibly have in common?"
Rage blotted out Sasuke's reasoning. "Well? What was it? Did you enjoy the status that came with fucking the Hokage?" Manic laughter slid through his lips as questions piled behind them. "Did you get off on the power balance, letting him fuck you on his desk like a common whore?"
"Stop it," Sakura pleaded, clenching her hands together. "You can't expect me to answer that."
"You're right." Sasuke pushed away from the counter hard enough that the stool behind him crashed to the floor. "I've heard everything I need to."
Without bothering to right the furniture, Sasuke stormed toward the front of the house. His hand trembled as he pulled on his sandals. He didn't try to figure out which emotion fed his movements. Sakura called out from the kitchen; pain and regret dripped off the cry of his name. Sasuke ignored it as he stepped out of the home that she'd built for them.
"If we move Hitari to Team Fifteen, they'll be more balanced. His ninjutsu is superior to the others, but he's less logical than Mani." Shikamaru stared down at the photographs littering Kakashi's desk with a frown. "But, he'd create a more viable fight style for Team Two."
Leaning back in his chair, Kakashi sighed. "I don't even know these kids. How am I supposed to make them into cohesive teams?"
"You wanted updates on academy students each year," Shikamaru argued, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm sure Iruka and Shino-senseis would manage this easier."
Inclining his head, Kakashi massaged his temples to ease the headache that pounded there. He'd indulged in too much alcohol over the weekend, untempered by sleep and water. Kakashi had considered calling in sick, but he'd forced himself into the office anyway. Staying home was an obvious correlation with the events of the weekend, and he wanted to hide that if he could. Though after his conversations with Shikamaru and Hinata, Kakashi wasn't sure how well he'd managed it.
"It's important that I recognize our future shinobi," Kakashi said. While he knew that the argument made sense, it didn't make the work any more enjoyable. "Soon, they'll be the ones leading the village."
"You'll pass the mantle to Naruto by then." Kakashi hummed as Shikamaru shifted the papers to the side, accessing the teams underneath. Most of the kids had already been assigned, but a couple students were giving them trouble. Five of them could have fit on any team.
Spreading the pages across his desk, Kakashi skimmed over each grouping to remind himself of their last round of work. He moved the one on the right away from the others, nodding. Those three would work well: their jutsu complimented each other, and the personalities should create a cohesive unit given a few missions. Kakashi checked the stack of available jonin and placed a photo over the new team.
"Agreed," Shikamaru observed. Kakashi appreciated that the man didn't wait for someone to ask what he thought. Shikamaru was comfortable voicing his opinion. Naruto would need that in the future.
The pair finalized a second team, then a third with relatively ease. The fourth was debatable, but passable considering the options. Kakashi thought it would give the kids some time to grow up, while training their jonin to deal with differing opinions. That left nine students and three sensei to be placed. The problem wasn't any simpler than it had been fifteen minutes earlier, but it looked less chaotic than it had.
"I think Hitari and Mani should be on the same team, but they'll need a third who won't be overwhelmed by his bossiness or her showmanship." Shikamaru stared at the remaining students, shifting the photos around again.
A loud crash echoed from somewhere in the building, followed by raised voices. Kakashi looked up from the future genin teams, quirking an eyebrow at the noise. He glanced over at Shikamaru. "What's going on out there?"
Shrugging, Shikamaru rounded the corner of the desk. Kakashi almost laughed at the idea of his assistant protecting him, especially in the office, but the gesture was appreciated. Anbu guards lurked in the shadows, so still that Kakashi couldn't find them without effort. The idea that Kakashi couldn't save himself was laughable, but he'd grown used to it after years in the office. He had learned the importance of appearances.
Kakashi had crossed half of the distance between his desk and the entry when several things happened in rapid succession. The heavy door blew inward with a deafening clatter, rebounding off the wall. Raido shouted, "he's in a meeting."
"You can't just—" Genma's voice joined the cacophony, only to be cut off with a sharp hiss.
The words had barely left the men's mouths before Shikamaru stepped in front of Kakashi, pulling himself up to look more intimidating. "What's the meaning of this?"
When Sasuke stepped into the office despite the guards on either side of the door, the temperature seemed to drop a dozen degrees. The man's murderous gaze slid past Shikamaru with the same acknowledgement that he might give a fly, then settled on Kakashi. Fear fluttered in Kakashi's chest. Sasuke's killing intent was strong enough that he wanted to reach for a weapon, but he steadied his hands. Tension shuddered through Sasuke's body, trembling against the self control that he held his emotions with. Kakashi didn't know whether to be surprised that Sasuke cared so much, or amazed that he hadn't leveled the building yet.
Sasuke closed the distance between them in three long, flowing strides. Kakashi shifted his weight onto the balls of his feet in preparation for movement as his former student came closer. Unconsciously, he drew back his shoulders and reached for every centimeter of height. Kakashi was surprised to find that Sasuke matched him now, moving with the elegant grace of a man who had finally grown into his body. Sasuke drew a deep lungful of air, the type that might precede a fireball jutsu, then let it out in the steady stream. "Explain," he demanded.
In the immediate silence that followed, Shikamaru cut his eyes to the side. Kakashi ignored the look. If Shikamaru had suspicions about Sakura and Kakashi's relationship, Sasuke had just confirmed them. Whether out of foolish loyalty to Kakashi or decorum for the office, Shikamaru slid into Sasuke's line of vision. "We're in the middle of an important meeting," he clarified, voice strong and unyielding as steel. "If you'd like to wait outside, or make an appointment, Hokage-sama will be able to see you soon."
The bicolored glare slid away from Kakashi to settle on Shikamaru, then Sasuke scoffed under his breath. "This does not concern you."
"Everything in this office concerns—," Kakashi stepped forward and placed a hand on Shikamaru's shoulder. The movement shifted him to the side, presenting a smaller target in case things went badly. His body responded to the subconscious cues of violence without asking his input.
Sasuke's lips tightened until the blood ran out of them. "Tell me why."
When Sasuke rephrased the question without actually asking it, Kakashi considered playing dumb. The audience was too large, for one thing. Shikamaru was half a step away, Genma and Raido stood at the open door with expressions of shock painted on their faces, and at least two Anbu were somewhere nearby. Even so, Kakashi couldn't avoid this conversation. The absolute fury radiating off of Sasuke could have only come from one place: he knew about Sakura.
Kakashi had no idea how to describe the six month affair. There was no simple explanation for what happened between himself and Sakura, and the last thing that he wanted to do was work through it with her husband. Not to mention, he wasn't sure if a lie or the truth would be kinder. Kakashi hardly knew why he and Sakura had fallen into bed the first time. He remembered the lights, music, and alcohol, then the softness of her borrowed dress beneath his fingers. The following morning, they'd still been too hungover on each other to care about the lines they'd blurred.
Except, the relationship hadn't ended in Kiri. It should have, Kakashi knew that, but something drew them back together time after time. How could Kakashi ever explain that, especially to Sasuke? He wasn't able to fully understand it himself. Kakashi's answer had shifted over the months, moving beyond what he thought must have been lust in the beginning. He could offer Sasuke nothing but the simple truth. "Because I'm in love with her."
Sasuke scoffed and turned, like he couldn't stand to hear another word. Not that Kakashi had any to offer. He couldn't—Sasuke's right hook struck Kakashi's jaw like lightning, with the full momentum of his body behind it. Colors and sounds blurred around Kakashi, and he didn't realize that he'd hit the ground until the rough planks cooled his cheek. Darkness raced for Sasuke's feet. Shikamaru's curse sounded low and angry, at odds with the pale papers fluttering to the floor like snow. Leaves whipped past Kakashi's blurred vision on some errant breeze. Feet scuffed the wood, and someone grabbed Kakashi's flak vest near the shoulder.
Pushing the hand away, Kakashi fought to regain his equilibrium. His ears rang, and his head spun no matter how much he shook it. When the tang of copper flooded his mouth, Kakashi realized that he'd bitten something that would hurt later on impact. Warm liquid soaked into his mask and dripped from his chin. Rising, Kakashi tried to convince himself that the room wasn't heaving beneath him. He made it halfway into a standing position before sinking back to one knee.
Sasuke trembled above Kakashi, thick black shadows immobilizing him from neck to foot. Shikamaru stood behind the man, face scrunched against the effort of maintaining shadow possession. A kunai gleamed against Sasuke's neck from an unwavering bird-masked Anbu. Another guard waited to the left, fingers tensed in a hand sign. Closer to the door, Genma crouched with a senbon poised on his lip, and Raido's dark katana was trained on Sasuke's back.
"Send for Sak—Shizune," Shikamaru ordered, changing the name mid-word. His voice shook with the strain of directing the jutsu that wrapped Sasuke.
"I'm fine." Kakashi staggered to his feet, pushing away the Anbu who tried to support him. He wasn't sure that he could walk without falling over, but standing up seemed to be within his power. "I don't need a medic."
When Sasuke's eyes met Kakashi's, his lip curled away from his teeth in a snarl. "Stay away from my family."
Even with five men ready to subdue him, Sasuke stood with the menace of an animal backed into a corner. Kakashi had no doubt that the man could break free if he wanted to. Self control kept Sasuke from killing him, nothing else. Blood splattered onto Kakashi's armor as he raised his hand to his mouth. "Release him."
"Hokage-sama, he made an attempt on your life," the Anbu captain argued. His kunai remained steady against Sasuke's throat. Shikamaru nodded, sweat trickling down his cheek.
"I said release him." The growl of command in Kakashi's voice worked. Shadows receded, and the Anbu took several steps backward, melting into the darkness again.
Sasuke snorted and locked eyes with Kakashi a second time. "Hokage-sama," he sneered, turning away. Genma and Raido scrambled to the side as Sasuke stalked from the office without a backward glance.
The next chapter of All or Nothing is up for enablers with early access on Ko-fi! It will be on Tumblr, A03, and FF sometime later this week. I would promise tomorrow, but it’s going to be a hectic day! In the meantime, have a little sneak peek to tide you over! This is one of my favorite chapters thus far!
Sasuke dipped his head, nervousness twisting through him. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted me here.”
Once upon a time, Sakura would have pulled Sasuke closer and kissed the question from his mind. He recalled those earlier days of their relationship, when she’d been completely enamoured with him. Things had been much easier then. But, the weight of the village had dragged on Sasuke's shoulders too much for him to stay put. He could feel the stares any time he went out, the accusations of loved ones lost through his actions. It seemed that nobody cared how many lives he’d saved; there was no way to erase the black stain on his name.
Sakura stepped back and Sasuke followed her, closing the door behind him. Walking deeper into the house, Sakura called over one shoulder. “Sarada isn’t here. She went over to mom’s for the day.”
Relief and guilt filled Sasuke at the words. He’d been gone for almost two months; he should have wanted to see his daughter. He supposed that he did, but he and Sakura needed to talk. “Okay,” he responded, removing his shoes and dropping his bag in the entry.
Without waiting for Sasuke, Sakura walked toward the kitchen. Water ran from the tap, splashing into the sink below before the sound changed. By the time Sasuke joined her, the flowers were nestled comfortably into a vase and Sakura was wiping the splashed water from the counter. He exhaled, watching the woman with an overwhelming sense of sadness. “Can we talk?”
Sakura froze for three seconds, forgetting to swipe the water away. “About what?”
“About this, us,” Sasuke explained, trying to convince himself that he wanted to have this conversation. He couldn’t; it felt like torture. “How long are we going to keep doing this?”
Sakura’s shoulders tensed as she folded the rag and tossed it over the divider in the sink. “Doing what?”
“Pretending.” Sasuke didn’t move from his spot by the counter, but he saw a tremble pass through Sakura’s body. He couldn’t bring himself to stop, however. “Holding on to something that hasn’t been there for a long time.”
As much as the words hurt, Sasuke felt bitter relief when they left his lips. The discussion with Naruto had been enough to spark the realization that this conversation had been a long time in coming. Sasuke had taken for granted that it wasn’t necessary because Sakura hadn’t brought it up. She had always been one to speak her mind without fear or consequence. Sasuke expected that Sakura would be the first person to tell him that she was unhappy, not Naruto.
“You don’t owe me anything,” Sasuke continued, fighting through the lump in his throat. “This isn’t the life you pictured. You deserve more.”
The next chapter of All or Nothing (KakaSaku) is currently with my beta
I finished the rough draft of Disaster (KakaSaku, a prequel to the events of I'll be the Moon and All or Nothing)
I'm currently writing the next chapter of Healing Hands (which needed an expansive update from the original. So far I've added three new scenes to this chapter and several thousand words)
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How Can I Fight Someone Who Isn't Even There? (All or Nothing, chapter two)
Fanfiction, A03
The second chapter of All or Nothing is available below the cut or at the websites above! This story is an emotional mess, you have been forewarned! It deals with the fallout of Kakashi and Sakura having an affair while she's married to Sasuke.
If you like what I do, feel free to support me on ko-fi!
Sarada spent fifteen minutes rearranging her room to include her gifts, laying the weapons on the small table beside her bed while Sakura hung her clothing up. Kakashi watched from the doorway, feeling like an intruder in a private, family moment. Sakura glanced in his direction from time to time, but she didn't speak or invite him closer. For her part, Sarada ignored Kakashi entirely as she skipped around in an attempt to put off bedtime for as long as possible.
"Come on, let's get changed for bed time," Sakura called, pulling a pair of red pajamas from a drawer. "Teeth, story, then bed."
"But mom," Sarada began, voice edging toward a high pitched whine.
Sakura playfully swatted at the girl's bottom with the pajamas. "You're already up later than you normally are. Come on."
Sarada scooted away from her mother, pausing in front of Kakashi. Her dark eyes slid over him with far more appraisal than they should have. "Are you spending the night?"
Kakashi coughed, warmth flooding into his cheeks, as Sakura growled her daughter's name. "Sarada-chan," she warned, looking exasperated. "Kakashi and Mama need to have a talk after you go to sleep, then he's going home."
"But it's already bedtime time," Sarada chirped, pointing toward her darkened window. "Why didn't you talk during the day?"
"Because someone had a birthday party," Kakashi answered, forcing his tone to false playfulness. "And, we were busy with that."
Sakura put a hand on Sarada's head and turned it toward the bathroom. She pressed the pajamas into the girl's hands. "Go, brush your teeth and get changed."
Kakashi scrubbed a hand through his hair the way he did when he was nervous as Sarada moved down the hallway. Sakura leaned one shoulder against the wall, watching the girl before turning back to Kakashi. "She didn't mean anything by it."
"Does that make you feel better about it," Kakashi asked, voice pitched to a low whisper. Sakura's lips compressed into a thin line, but he shook his head before she could speak. "She's right. I should have gone home at the same time as Naruto and Hinata."
"But you stayed," Sakura pointed out, turning to glance toward the bathroom as water splashed into the sink. "Why?"
Kakashi chuckled and shook his head. Because I'm an idiot, he thought, though he held the words close to his chest, offering a shrug instead. "Because you asked me to."
The water turned off and Sarada padded down the hallway in her pajamas. Kakashi offered a tight eye smile. "Goodnight, Sarada-chan."
The girl dipped into a quick bow without looking at Sakura to see what she was supposed to do. "Goodnight, Kakashi-san."
"Let me get her to sleep, then we can continue this conversation." Sakura met Kakashi's gaze over Sarada's head, warning him to stay put.
Humming in agreement, Kakashi dipped his chin and wandered back downstairs so that he wouldn't intrude on their privacy. The sound of Sakura's voice drifted down the hallway, regaling Sarada with some kind of fairy tale with talking mice. Kakashi shook his head and walked toward the entrance, wondering if he'd be better off to pull on his sandals and leave. He'd run away the last time, and it had been better for both of them.
Kakashi paused by the empty space where the photograph of Sakura and Sasuke had hung. He wondered why Sakura hadn't replaced it. Peeking back at the stairs to make certain the woman wasn't coming, Kakashi slid open a drawer in the small table near the door. It was the most obvious place to put the photo, and he wasn't surprised to find it there.
Running his fingers across the image, Kakashi remembered the day with a bittersweetness that left him sick to his stomach. Sakura looked beautiful with the pale pink kimono and white flowers dotting her hair. Sasuke looked much as he always did, a shadow against Sakura's brilliance. Kakashi studied the boy's face, looking for the happiness that should have been there.
"I always loved him more than he loved me." Sakura's soft whisper came from behind Kakashi. He spun to find the woman standing at the base of the stairs with a sad smile on her face.
Kakashi closed the drawer with his hip, flushing at being caught. "I'm sure that's not true."
Sakura crossed the space between them and rested her hand on Kakashi's arm for a moment, then leaned past him to turn off the light in the hallway. He frowned as she moved toward the door, locking and bolting it. When she turned back to Kakashi, the shadows did something that made her eyes look haunted. "Sasuke never," the woman paused, searching for the right word, then shrugged. "He never knew how to show emotion. Honestly, I'm not convinced he feels them in the same way other people do. They're concepts for him, ideas rather than realities."
And that's what you chose to spend your entire life chasing? Was he worth the effort once you finally caught him? Kakashi wanted to ask, but he was afraid of the answer. Sakura had loved Sasuke for as long as Kakashi had known her. It had been a simple crush when they first met, then it turned into more. Kakashi wondered if Sakura understood love any better than Sasuke did. It wasn't the obsessive desire to win someone or the insatiable urge to hold them. Sometimes, love was letting go.
Kakashi knew that he should say something in response, or offer solace in the face of Sakura's pain, but he couldn't think of anything. Sakura moved past him without waiting for an answer, catching Kakashi's hand in hers like it was the most natural thing in the world. Her gentle pressure nearly pulled him from his feet as she walked back to the kitchen with a determined step.
Sakura released Kakashi's hand and pulled two glasses from a cabinet. She filled them both with the sugary concoction from Sarada's party, then, without asking, she pulled out a bottle of clear liquid from the freezer and added a healthy splash in each cup. Kakashi marveled at how easily Sakura moved around him; tension squeezed his chest, but the woman didn't seem to notice or care. Kakashi envied her ability to change so easily between one person and the next. He'd never had that skill.
Holding the electric blue drinks, Sakura came around the counter and set them next to Kakashi. She took a long sip from one of the glasses, then gave her head a small shake. He didn't move toward his cup, well aware that that drinking would lead to something that he couldn't take back. It already had, multiple times.
Sakura tipped her head to the side, studying Kakashi as her tongue collected the sticky moisture from her lips. Then, she leaned forward and hooked a finger in the top of his mask, dragging it lower. Kakashi captured her wrist, but he couldn't bring himself to stop her. The fabric slid down his nose, across his lips, and puddled against his chest. Kakashi expected Sakura to hold the drink up to offer him a sip. Instead, the sudden fullness of her mouth stole his breath. His hand fell away, dropping to his side as he sagged backward onto the stool behind him. Hard stone met Kakashi's back when Sakura took another step toward him without breaking the contact.
Tipping his head up and away, Kakashi murmured Sakura's name in a warning that sounded breathless even to his ears. His pulse pounded through his temple, erratic as he blew out a breath. Sakura exhaled with a slight smile. "It's good, right?"
It took Kakashi several moments to realize that Sakura meant the alcohol, not the kiss. He managed a weak laugh, shaking his head. "I'm not sure that's the most effective way to taste it."
Sakura reached for her glass, taking another long pull of the liquid. Before the woman could seal their lips together a second time, Kakashi brought the other to his lips. The sugary sweetness flooded his tongue, cut by the burn of alcohol. It left Kakashi's head spinning as he mumbled some kind of agreement. Sakura stood between his knees, her body the closest that it had been in months, trapping him on the stool.
Humming under her breath, Sakura looked up at Kakashi through her lashes. Every instinct in Kakashi's body told him to pull her closer and kiss the delicate pout on her lips. He could lift her and switch their positions, fitting their bodies close enough that not even air could interfere. Nearly a month of pent up desire clamored at the back of his mind, memories overlapping fantasies that left him dizzier than the alcohol.
Sakura rested her hands on Kakashi's thighs, leaning in a second time. Shuddering, Kakashi raised his chin just out of the woman's reach. He lost his breath in a whoosh when Sakura planted light kisses on his neck instead. His entire body responded, humming and twitching like an electrical current coursed through it. "Stop," he panted, resting his hands on her shoulders. "I don't—this isn't why I came today."
"No," Sakura asked, voice heavy with desire despite Kakashi's words. "That doesn't mean we can't enjoy being together again."
Kakashi blew out another breath, able to think more coherently now that Sakura had moved back half a step. He shook his head. "I meant what I said the last time we were together. This isn't what I want."
Sakura's eyes dipped down for a moment, a careful smile decorating her lips. "Are you sure?"
Heat flamed in Kakashi's cheek as he pushed Sakura back another step, just enough to get his feet beneath him. "Yes," he managed, though the word sounded strangled. Kakashi tugged at his pants to adjust the fabric, then gave it up as pointless.
To Kakashi's surprise, Sakura turned to take his seat instead of following him around the counter. Brilliant green eyes studied him, though. "You still want me though," she observed after a tense moment.
Kakashi chuckled and tightened his hand around his drink, tempted to down the sugary alcohol and throw caution to the wind. He ran his tongue over his lips instead, savoring the aftertaste of Sakura's mouth on his. "I want more than just that part of you."
Sakura didn't answer, taking another drink of her alcohol in the space between them. The nearly empty glass left a shimmer in Sakura's eyes and a soft flush on her cheeks as she considered the words. "Why can't you just be satisfied with what I can offer? You have to miss it."
"Because I'm selfish," Kakashi admitted, resting his palms on the cool stone of the counter as if it could keep him grounded in reality. "Because as much as I enjoy the sex, there's more to you than that."
"You're asking me to give up everything," Sakura began, shaking her head as she hopped off the stool to make herself a second drink.
Disbelieving laughter rumbled in Kakashi's chest. "This is everything? An empty house and a birthday party you have to pretend not to feel sad during? Being alone every night while you wait for someone who could be here if they wanted to be? He doesn't have to take these missions all the time, he could—"
The angry words poured out, dousing the desire Kakashi felt moments before as he struggled to hold back his bitterness. Sakura's eyes never left Kakashi's as he spoke, hardly reacting to the accusations until they slowed. Then, a cruel smile crossed her lips. "Who said I'm alone every night?"
Kakashi's heart did a painful double beat, then stopped. The idea that there could be someone else had never crossed his mind. He stared at Sakura like he'd never seen her before, but before he could formulate the question, she sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
The sentiment couldn't be recalled, however. Kakashi felt sick with the realization that what he and Sakura had shared could simply be a dot in a string of dalliances while Sasuke was away. He'd never considered that he wasn't the first and only man she entertained outside of her husband. How many others were there? Who were they? Jealousy, despair, and anger rippled through Kakashi.
A soft touch drew Kakashi away from the darkness in his mind, and he realized that Sakura held his hand. "It's only ever been you," she murmured, eyes flashing up to meet his gaze. There was no guilt or deception there, but Kakashi still felt as if the woman had pulled the rug out from under him. Warm fingers caressed Kakashi's cheek. "Even if I wanted someone else, it wouldn't be the same."
Catching Sakura's hand, Kakashi lowered it. "Thanks, I guess."
"It's so easy for you," Sakura accused, shaking her head. "You have nothing to lose if we don't work out. You just go back to your life like it never happened. I have to think about Sarada, about the appearance of us together, about my job."
Sakura ticked off the reasons, one after the other, a litany of why they couldn't be together. Kakashi nodded with each of them, having told himself the same things dozens of times. When she'd finished, he shook his head. "This isn't easy for me. Do you know how hard it is to watch the person you love throw themselves away for someone who never deserved them? To cling to something because it's the safest option?"
The question hung in the air, but Kakashi didn't need Sakura's answer. It had always been Sasuke for her, and it would always be. The idea that she was in love with Sasuke had been ingrained in Sakura too long ago for Kakashi to wash it away, no matter how ridiculous it was.
"The person you love." Sakura repeated each word as if she was enjoying the taste on her tongue.
Kakashi sighed and pushed his fingers through his hair. "Yes," he answered, refusing to defend the statement further. Sakura knew how he felt, though he'd never said it outright. She had all but accused him of being in love with her the last time they were together.
"Do you think I have anything less to lose?" Kakashi scoffed, shaking his head. "Even if we work out, I'll always be seen as the man who ruined your marriage. As the creep dating a former student, a woman young enough to be his daughter. Hell, that alone is enough for the elders to question my suitability as the hokage."
Sakura hummed as if she'd thought the same things. "But?"
"But," Kakashi repeated with a humorless chuckle. "But, I'd endure all of that in a heartbeat if it changed the way things are."
Exquisite pain shattered through Kakashi's chest at the admission, sharper than the ribs he'd broken so many times before. He gestured around the house, refusing to meet Sakura's gaze. "This is the life you chose for yourself. I can accept that, I have to accept it, but don't expect me to agree. You deserve better."
Kakashi started to turn away, but unspoken words weighed his lungs like lead. He exhaled in a ragged burst. "I don't know if what we could have would be any easier, but at least you'd never doubt that I loved you."
"Don't," Sakura growled, hand slapping hard enough on the counter to crack stone. "Don't ask me to choose."
A sad smile crossed Kakashi's lips. "You already did."
-----------------------------------------------
Kakashi calculated his words to hurt, and they shot through Sakura like a kunai. She huffed out a breath, determined to defend her choice of Sasuke. Kakashi had never looked at her until she'd been married; they'd hardly been friends until the past couple of years. He'd never said anything about caring for her as more than that, and he'd never offered her anything beyond the same casual acknowledgement that he gave Naruto. There hadn't been a choice when it mattered.
That's not what he meant, and you know it, a small voice whispered in the back of Sakura's mind. Guilt swam through her stomach as she looked up at the man across from her. Pain filled Kakashi's dark eyes, even as he offered a smile to soften the blow of his rejection. Every inch of his face screamed heartache and the longing for something he couldn't have. Sakura knew it well; she'd felt about Sasuke for years.
"That isn't fair," Sakura managed after a couple of pain laced seconds. "I didn't know how you felt when I married Sasuke. Hell, you probably didn't know how you felt."
Kakashi tipped his head in acknowledgement. "You're right, but we know what we feel now. Or at least, what we felt. This was never just a casual friend with benefits fling, not for me."
Sakura knew that. She'd known since the first morning that she woke up in Kakashi's arms. Half hungover and dizzy with guilt, she'd waited for the man to apologize for letting their flirting get that far. Except, Kakashi hadn't. He'd trailed his fingers over her arm, across her hip, and down her leg. He'd looked at her like he was memorizing every inch of the skin that she'd bared to him the night before.
Then, Kakashi kissed Sakura again and made her body do things she'd only read about in the trashy romance novels that Ino liked so much. Fully sober, Kakashi had chosen Sakura again and left her breathless and desperate for more. He'd been an addiction that she couldn't see herself stopping. Kakashi was the type of lover that blocked out every question, every doubt, and every insecurity. He looked at Sakura like some goddess, worshiping her body in ways that left her aching for more. At least, he had, until he put a sudden end to their relationship a month ago.
"You were never a fling for me either," Sakura whispered, though she tasted the beginnings of a lie in her words. She'd used Kakashi at least as much as she'd helped him over the course of their relationship. "Besides, you're the one who ended things between us."
Kakashi laughed in disbelief. "I was tearing myself apart for you, and you didn't notice. Or, if you did, you never cared."
"Are you happier now," Sakura shot back, surprised at the venom in her voice. "Is this what you wanted? Our relationship might not have been perfect before, but it was better than this."
Some emotion crossed Kakashi's features, but Sakura couldn't pick up what it was. He exhaled in a steady stream and reached for the drink she'd made him what seemed like an hour earlier. Holding the glass in one hand, Kakashi shook his head and downed the entire thing like a shot. He closed his eyes against the burn of alcohol, and Sakura couldn't help but think how easy it would have been to step into his space and plant kisses along his jaw. He wanted her enough that his body responded, even if he fought off that attraction. Sakura remained where she was.
"That was the mistake," Kakashi said, thumping the glass onto the counter. A soft laugh rumbled in his throat. "You're so young that you can't tell the difference between love and obsession."
Sakura wasn't conscious of moving until her palm connected with Kakashi's cheek. His head snapped to the side. "Don't you dare blame this on me," she growled. "Don't speak down to me like I'm a child who doesn't understand how life works. I've seen more life and death than most people two and three times my age."
Kakashi opened and closed his mouth as if testing that his jaw still worked before responding. "It was my fault. I knew better; I knew that this was a mistake, and I did it anyway. I'll never be satisfied with having one part of you, but that's all you have left to give."
"Why did you come today," Sakura half shouted, trying hard to moderate her tone so she wouldn't wake Sarada. The girl should have been exhausted from her party and playing all day, but kids were tricky. "Why are you here if you don't want to fix things between us?"
"I didn't come for you." Kakashi's mouth tightened, the pink outline of Sakura's handprint starting to show on his cheek. "I knew we'd probably have this conversation, but today wasn't about you."
Sakura blinked, pieces tumbling into place with a clarity that left her breathless. Nausea nearly dropped her to her knees. "That present wasn't from Sasuke. You bought it and put his name on the tag. Why?"
"Because I've fought my whole life to make Konoha a place where kids can have both their parents in their lives," Kakashi shook his head. "We bled for the idea of peace and hope for a better future, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let him ruin that for her. Not yet."
The words hung in the air like the smoke after a paper bomb. Sakura stared at Kakashi as if he was a stranger. Her voice failed when she tried to ask why, replaying the joy on Sarada's face when she opened the gift she thought was from her father. Sakura should have thought to do what Kakashi had done. She should have been the one protecting her daughter from the cruelty of the truth, but she'd been too wrapped up with the million things that needed to be done.
Sakura tried to speak a second time but only managed a weak croak of Kakashi's name. Then an uncomfortable realization settled in her gut . She studied the hardness of the man's features and shame roiled through her like a thundercloud. "You've never talked about your parents," she realized, whispering the words aloud.
"You never asked," Kakashi shot back in an uncharacteristic show of temper. He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed.
Stepping closer, Sakura rested a hand on Kakashi's forearm. "I'm asking now."
Kakashi squeezed his eyes shut as if the question was too heavy to bear, and Sakura saw the same flash of humanity in him that she'd seen so long ago. He wasn't a superhuman, above emotion and feeling, he'd just learned to bury those parts of himself. Sakura knew that, she'd seen it when they were together, but to see it brought out again made her sad in a way she couldn't explain. She realized how little she knew about Kakashi's past despite the years they'd spent together as friends, then the months as lovers.
Sakura tightened her fingers against Kakashi's arm. "Tell me about them."
"I don't want to do this," Kakashi breathed, voice tight with pain. He exhaled hard like they'd been training for an hour and shook his head. "I can't have the thing I want, and the rest of it doesn't matter."
"I want to understand." Sakura rose with Kakashi, following him as he walked toward the door. He put his shoes on in silence, and she felt an overwhelming sense of loss at the idea of things going back to the way they had been. "Please, I can't go back to how we've been treating each other."
Kakashi's shoulders sank, and he paused with one hand on the door. For a minute, Sakura didn't think he would answer. Then, a sigh rumbled in his chest as he turned. "And, I won't be your secret any longer."
Sakura opened her mouth to say that Kakashi had all of her, that she wanted to give him everything, or that it was more complicated than he realized, but the admissions clung to her throat. He offered another smile. "Goodnight, Sakura."
The room spun, tipping and turning around Kakashi as he fumbled a bottle back onto his nightstand. If he closed his eyes, he became less aware of the spinning. His stomach heaved, unhappy at the amount of alcohol that he'd dumped into it without food or water to cushion the blow. Tired and angry as he was, Kakashi couldn't bring himself to care. Each breath was a physical pain that seared through his chest like a knife.
Kakashi had gone to Sarada's party knowing that it was a mistake. He'd waited as long as possible, hoping against hope that Sasuke would wrap up his mission in time to be home. Kakashi convinced himself that he could leave Sakura and Sarada behind if Sasuke was there to take care of them. But, he never was. It had been four weeks of empty days and long nights. Weeks of staring at his phone, wondering if he'd made the right decision when he left Sakura.
The pain hadn't dulled with the passage of time. If anything, it had grown sharper. Kakashi and Sakura had gone for weeks without talking before. He understood that her life was busy with a young child, a blossoming career, and a sometimes husband. The fact that the latter hadn't been an issue didn't make things better. Kakashi knew that he'd hurt Sakura when he left, knew that she wanted to go back to the way things were, but he couldn't. Now that he'd faced that demon, he knew the truth. He loved Sakura too much to be happy with just half of her, no matter how amazing that half was.
Is this what you wanted? Kakashi had waited for those words a month, but Sakura didn't follow them up with anything that meant they had a future. She wanted Kakashi to be a convenient friend who made her feel the things that her husband didn't. But, she wouldn't risk her image or marriage to make it permanent. Kakashi would always be the shadow behind Sasuke.
Taking another swig of whiskey, Kakashi allowed himself to wonder about Sasuke and Sakura's marriage. He knew that she felt abandoned and disappointed more often than she felt cherished. If not, she wouldn't have come alive under his touch. She'd gone from throwing herself into dangerous behavior in Kiri because she was hurt to flourishing. The haunted expression left Sakura's eyes and her smile came more often. She laughed the way she once had, without a shadow of sadness in every movement. Or, maybe that's just how she'd been around Kakashi.
The memory welled in Kakashi's throat, and he wondered if he'd left Sakura better than he'd found her. The idea that he'd made things worse for the woman left a sick taste in the back of his throat. He had ended things for the right reasons, for the same ones that should have stopped her from entering his hotel room all those months ago. But, being right didn't seem to matter as much as it once had. The ache didn't care whether it was right or wrong; Kakashi missed and wanted her despite the sacrifices that he'd have to make.
Kakashi fumbled his phone off the nightstand and opened the messages, skimming over the past two texts that Sakura had sent. Even if someone had seen them, they were innocuous, carefully crafted to show nothing. She'd apologized and asked if they could talk about things, but she could have just as easily been talking about a disagreement over patient assessment as the end of their relationship. Even the text about missing him was veiled in friendship, suggesting it had been a while since they'd seen each other and they should catch up soon.
"Then, I had to go to the party," Kakashi slurred to the darkness of his bedroom. He'd wanted to get Sarada a gift from Sasuke, not because he cared what the girl thought about her dad in specifics so much as generalities. He could have offloaded it on Shikamaru and asked the man to take the package with no questions asked. It would have made sense, having the Hokage's office looking after the children of shinobi currently out of the village, especially a former student. He supposed that they'd both gotten good at hiding things in plain sight.
Kakashi had wanted to see Sakura though, no matter what reasons he came up with for attending the party. He'd wanted to see how she was doing, and how she'd fared after the split between them. The woman had been worn down, exhausted and overspent with the party. Kakashi saw the tension of her shoulders, the breathy, sharp quality of her words, and the way her eyes pinched in exhaustion. The past few weeks hadn't been easy on her, but she'd soldiered on as she always did. Without either Kakashi or Sasuke, Sakura kept going, and she always would. The woman's resilience was one of her most attractive features.
If Kakashi had been stupid to go to the party, he'd been stupider to stay afterwards. When he closed his eyes, he could feel the sticky warmth of Sakura's lips against his. The contact alone had been almost enough for Kakashi to ignore every reason not to sleep with her. He had wanted to pull Sakura against his body, spin their positions and settle her on the counter he'd been leaning against. His body ached for the contact, even now with the memory brighter than the reality had been. Sakura would have surrendered to him without question. The sex had always been the easiest part of their relationship.
Even now, the buzz of desire left Kakashi dizzy under the alcohol's influence. He checked his silent phone once more and considered typing out how much he missed and wanted Sakura. Kakashi was too drunk to go back to her apartment tonight, and she needed to stay with Sarada anyway. Kakashi could call her, he supposed. They'd done that once when she'd been away for work and he'd stayed in the village because there was no reason to follow her. Sasuke had been out of town then, as well.
Kakashi's body gave a soft twitch at the memory of Sakura's voice over the line, full of heat and desire as she described what she'd been doing, and what she would have done to him if they'd been together. Exhaling through his nose, Kakashi stared down at his phone. It would be easy, and it wouldn't cross as many lines as actually sleeping with her. Steadying his breath, Kakashi let his hand slide lower, imagining the ways Sakura had touched him so many times before.
Closing callused fingers around himself, Kakashi used the other hand to swipe to Sakura's contact information. He shuddered, body oversensitive after so long without any contact. Kakashi's left thumb hovered over the call button, then raised to brush over her picture. The screen lit up, enlarging the small icon to the full image. Kakashi stared into those sparkling green eyes that had captivated him for months, maybe even years.
Kakashi's hand moved of its own accord, body responding without waiting for his permission or conscious thought. It would be as easy as dialing the number, his mind suggested, through its alcohol induced haze. She'll answer and you can remember what it felt like again. The way she felt on your body, her mouth around you—groaning against the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears, Kakashi dropped the phone face down on the bed beside him and jerked his shirt toward his chest with his free hand. Warmth splattered across his stomach as his hips jumped in his hand.
The high wore off almost instantly, washed away by a tide of frustration and emptiness. Kakashi opened his eyes to the loneliness of his bedroom, and the fantasy that he'd created scattered in the darkness. A sob caught in his throat as he reached for his phone and threw it across the room.
Thick clouds cloaked the village of Konoha, the deepest hours of night providing the darkness that Sasuke preferred to move in. His chakra brushed against the invisible barrier that protected the village only because he allowed it to be picked up. There was no reason to hide his return, at least not this time, but he still moved in the shadows of the silent streets. Midnight had come and gone, a distant memory that left him closer to dawn than dusk. Sasuke hardly noticed; a sleep schedule wasn't something that he cared to keep up with.
Only a handful of lights filled the windows at this hour, but it wasn't unusual in a shinobi village. Much like Sasuke, shinobi had missions and tasks at all hours of the night. But, the single light glowing from the home that Sakura had chosen for them was strange. Sasuke stared at it for a moment, wondering if something was wrong, but he didn't sense any danger.
Sasuke unlocked the door and slipped inside, removing his sandals at the threshold. There were no voices in the house, so Sakura had probably left the light on by accident. She was likely asleep in their bed—the sound of glass clinking against stone brought Sasuke up short. He padded through the entry, wondering what made the noise. He couldn't imagine any scenario where Sakura would be out of bed at this hour unless something was terribly wrong.
When Sasuke rounded the corner, Sakura sat at one of the hgh stools beside the island counter. She leaned heavily against the surface, a glass held in one hand. An open bottle of vodka waited beside her. The sight made Sasuke's eyes widen; it was an expensive brand, not the swill that she and Ino mixed into fruity cocktails. A clear, sticky patina shone on the side of the cup; she'd been drinking the alcohol straight.
Sakura pushed into a sitting position, staring at Sasuke through red, puffy eyes. He frowned, wondering how much she'd been drinking to look as disheveled as she did. "You're home," she mumbled after a couple of awkward seconds.
"Yes." Sasuke nodded, closing the distance between then in three easy strides. "What's this about, then?"
"Could you have been here," Sakura ignored the question without seeming to hear it. An undercurrent of anger heated her voice, bright and deadly. "Did you miss it intentionally?"
Sasuke opened his mouth to answer, then stopped and considered . It? What was it supposed to mean? He wasn't the best at keeping up with dates when on mission, usually because he was so far from civilization where things like that mattered. He stared at his wife with a blank expression until a bitter laugh spilled out of her. "You don't fucking remember, do you?"
Sakura dropped her feet to the polished tiles of their kitchen floor and made a move to storm past Sasuke. The alcohol left her off balance, and she stumbled. He caught his wife with one hand on her shoulder. Growling, Sakura ripped away from him. Sasuke stepped back, giving her the space she so clearly wanted.
As he did so, the man's eyes scanned the house with a critical eye. It was almost perfectly in order, but a pile of unused paper plates rested on the table next to matching napkins. A stray balloon, bright pink, clung to the ceiling in the corner of the room along with a curled spray of ribbon. The type you'd use for a birthday. Shit. Sasuke felt the air leave his lungs in a soft whoosh of disappointment.
"I missed your birthday," Sasuke reasoned aloud, starting to reach for Sakura. If he could take her in his arms, he might be able to make her forget the annoyance. Though, he wasn't good with that part of their relationship either. Sasuke usually just let Sakura work out her anger whenever she was ready rather than trying to fix it himself. "I'm sorry."
Sakura stood with her back to Sasuke, not speaking. A fine tremble of emotion worked through her body, strong enough to feel without chakra or touch. Sasuke had missed birthdays before, and she'd always been reasonable about it. Of everyone in Konoha, Sakura understood that he had to sacrifice some things for the good of others. She'd never been angry about it before, never. . . Sasuke's stomach tightened with realization. "Sarada."
For a second, the word hung in the air between them. Then, Sakura scoffed. "I'm surprised you know her name."
Sasuke had taken more wounds than most men over his lifetime, but the accusation in Sakura's voice cut deeper than any of them. He reached for his wife's arm, half to apologize and half to pull her against him, as if their bodies could smother out the pain. But, his hand never completed the journey. "That isn't fair," he whispered.
Sakura wobbled when she spun to face Sasuke, nearly falling when her feet tangled. "No," she growled, voice sharp enough to draw blood. "You do not get to say that. Don't talk to me about fucking fair. I have sacrificed everything for this family, for you. And, for what?"
The woman gestured around their meticulously groomed home, taking in the perfect photos on the wall and the shiny white cabinets in the kitchen. She scoffed at the back of her throat. "You know what isn't fair? Someone else bought your daughter a birthday present, pretending it was from you. Everyone else came to her party to celebrate. I cooked and bought and planned and decorated and cleaned and everything else it took."
"And you, you couldn't even remember the day," Sakura's fury built to a fever pitch that almost reached a shout. "It isn't fair that you tout this line about saving everyone else while you ignore the cost to our daughter."
It's not a line, it's the truth, Sasuke thought, but he pulled the words inside and held them there. Sakura wouldn't appreciate the realization or the cool indifference with which he delivered it. He exhaled. "I'm making the village safe for her too," he offered instead.
Angry tears filled Sakura's eyes, clinging to her lashes and spilling black streaks down her already darkened cheeks. "And, it's still not enough."
A sob rose in Sakura's throat as she stumbled from the kitchen, navigating the steps to their bedroom by muscle memory more than anything else in her inebriated state. Sasuke watched her go, wondering if he should go after her. He suspected that she wouldn't welcome his presence, much less his touch at the moment. He'd failed, again.
Sighing, Sasuke turned back to the counter and picked up the cap for the vodka and spun it on the top. He wasn't concerned about Sakura drinking, not really, though this had been more than a little. The woman's medical ninjutsu and seal helped her metabolize the alcohol more quickly than most people, much like Tsunade. But, he wondered at the timing. Had she been that upset about him not being here for the party, or was there something else?
Sasuke recalled Sakura's bloodshot eyes when he'd first walked into the room. She'd been crying before he got home, not because she was angry at him. At least, not from the fight that left her presumably sobbing on their bed upstairs. Something else had upset her, or she'd been already upset over the accusations that she'd lobbed at him when he got home. Sasuke wasn't sure that he wanted to know which.
Carrying the vodka across the kitchen, Sasuke put it away without taking a drink. He had no desire to lose himself in the heat, everything hurt enough already. Sakura's glass had thumped to the counter when she spun away in fury, lying on its side on the granite surface. When he reached for it, Sasuke noticed the second glass. He frowned and picked it up, inspecting the drink like it might reveal some answer.
Sasuke decided that was a question for another day. He ran both glasses beneath a stream of warm water and left them in the sink. Drying his hands on a towel on the counter, Sasuke glanced toward the stairs. He wished that he could erase the distance between himself and Sakura with a few easy words, but it had never been that simple.
Walking to the front of the house, Sasuke slipped his feet back into his sandals. Naruto had an open couch policy as long as Sasuke was willing to talk about what led him to the man's door. The blonde had an unshakable belief that Sasuke and Sakura would make their relationship work out in the end. Sometimes, Sasuke thought the blond's faith was the only thing that kept him believing in his marriage.
All or Nothing - You Know I'd Fight For You (KakaSaku)
A03, Fanfiction, Ko-fi
This is the newest installment of the mess I started with I'll be the Moon. It's not going to be for everyone. Make sure you check the tags before you read! I'm going to tag @birkastan2018 simply because I've been teasing this mess for a while.
Full chapter below the cut!
Huffing out a breath, Sakura pushed a strand of hair behind her ear for the fifth time. She frowned at the banner on the wall in front of her, then growled when she realized that it was crooked, again. Tearing the tape loose, Sakura tugged the flimsy material a couple of inches higher and checked again. “Fourth time’s the charm,” she grumbled under her breath. The bright pink letters stood out in stark contrast with the white background: H-A-P-P-Y B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y S-A-R-D-A-!-!
Sakura stared at the letters for several seconds, then hissed in annoyance. She should have checked the banner more closely before putting it up, but she’d been in a hurry when she stopped by the printer. Glancing at her watch, Sakura’s complaint deepened into a resigned sigh. She needed to finish decorating, pick up the cake from the bakery, retrieve the balloons, and cook before the guests started to arrive.
Before having a child, Sakura hadn’t realized how much work went into planning a birthday party. That’s why there’s usually two people for it, a traitorous voice whispered in the back of her mind. Out of habit, Sakura’s gaze turned toward the place on the wall where the picture of her and Sasuke usually hung. She’d meant to pick up a new frame for the one that she and Kakashi had broken, but she hadn’t gotten around to it. It was somewhere on her list of impossible things to accomplish each day after work.
“Mama?” The small voice drew Sakura from her multitude of worries, and she turned to find Sarada walking down the hall with a beaming face. Streaks of blue, red, and yellow marred the girl’s cheeks and arms, smeared into her clothes, and clung to her hair in sticky, colorful strands.
“Sarada!” Sakura’s tone brought the girl up short. Her lower lip puckered out, and tears filled her dark eyes. Sakura tried counting to ten under her breath the way she’d read about, but she only made it to four. “What did you do?”
Liquid trickled from the corner of one eye, threatening to become a deluge. “I painted a picture, mama.”
In her horror at the paint marring her daughter’s face, Sakura hadn’t noticed the paper that Sarada held. There were two vaguely humanoid shapes on the page, comical smiles painted on their faces as they stood in front of a rudimentary house. A thick streak of blue dripped along the edge of the page, threatening to fall to the floor. Moving on instinct, Sakura scooped the paper and Sarada up in one effortless movement. It was only when she felt the dampness soaking through her shirt that she thought about the mess it would make. Ignoring that, she carried them both to the bathroom.
“You like it?” Guiltless black eyes stared up at Sakara as she settled Sarada on the counter, tears still threatening to reappear at any moment.
Sakura forced herself to take another breath as she took the picture away from her daughter and laid it beside them. She smiled through the stress that had built up at the back of her neck and nodded. “I do, but are you supposed to use the finger paints without mama?”
Sarada considered for a moment, then shook her head. “No.”
“Then, why did you?” Sakura continued, wondering if trying to teach a child logic grew easier or more difficult as they aged. Five years into it, and she was starting to think that she’d be repeating herself forever.
The impish grin that split Sarada’s face would have normally melted Sakura’s annoyance. “ I wanted to surprise you.”
Sakura managed to count all the way to ten before nodding. Being angry wouldn’t solve anything, and she knew that her annoyance was largely from the stress of the party rather than the painting. She should have gone to check on why Sarada was being so quiet, but she’d thought the girl was playing with her dolls, blocks, or one of the other toys that littered the floor most of the time. She peeked her head back into the hallway where she could see the shelf that held the art supplies and noted the chair that Sarada had used to reach them. Sakura would need to move them higher still, right after she cleaned up the mess.
“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” Sakura stripped the paint-smeared clothing off of Sarada and tossed it into the hamper. Warm water would remove the rest of the mess, but it wouldn’t leave them much time to get ready for the party. Sighing, Sakura pulled her cell phone from the pocket of her pants. For the briefest moment, she considered texting Kakashi. He’d been there for her in the past when she needed help in a pinch, but they hadn’t spoken since their fight.
Pushing the thought away, Sakura selected Naruto’s number instead. The phone rang twice before the man’s familiar voice filled her ear. “Hey, Sakura. Are we late already,” he asked as soon as the line connected.
Sakura managed a chuckle as she turned on the bathtub. “No, the party isn’t til four, but I was hoping you or Hinata could do me a huge favor.”
“Sure, what’s up?” Naruto rarely asked what Sakura needed before offering to help; he simply jumped in where he could. Though the years had morphed them into adults with a myriad of new responsibilities and worries, some things would never change.
A wash of nostalgia stole Sakura’s breath. She gave herself a few heartbeats to wonder what life might have been like if things were different, but she couldn’t follow that path. Shaking her head, Sakura returned her attention to the girl in the bathtub while simultaneously focusing on the man on the phone. That was her life now.
“I was hoping you guys might be able to come over early and help me decorate. Or, maybe play with Sarada so I can finish cooking? I have so much to get done, but it’s impossible to do it all by myself.” Turning off the water, Sakura pulled a fluffy, pink towel from the closet, balancing the phone between her shoulder and ear.
For a moment, silence answered the request. Then, Naruto’s voice returned, gentler than before. “Isn’t Sasuke home?”
“He has a mission,” Sakura responded, refusing to question why she protected her husband from their former teammate’s scrutiny. It wasn’t like Naruto didn’t know how long the man was away. It wasn’t like he wouldn’t see that Sasuke wasn’t home. Still, Sakura put on the best face over the absence. “Sasuke wasn’t able to complete it before the party, but he’ll be home as soon as he can.”
Naruto started to say something, then cut himself off with a sigh. “Let me make sure that Hinata can have Boruto ready, then we’ll be there. Give me just a sec.”
Sakura listened as Naruto called out for Hinata. They talked in muffled tones on the other end of the phone as she turned her attention back to Sarada. The girl stared up at her with a far too calculating expression. Sarada had Sasuke’s coloring, all dark hair and unreadable, black eyes. Her gaze was sharp as her father’s sometimes.
Before Sakura could dwell on it, Naruto returned to the phone. “Yeah, we’ll be over in a little bit. Give us like twenty minutes?”
“You’re a lifesaver,” Sakura breathed, feeling some of the tension ease out of her shoulders at the idea of finally having help with everything that needed done. “I’ll see you soon.”
After disconnecting the call, Sakura smoothed a hand over Sarada’s soft hair. “You’ve got five minutes, then you’re getting out.”
When the girl returned to playing with the toys she’d left in the tub the previous night, Sakura glanced back at her phone. She still needed someone to pick up the balloons and the cake. A part of Sakura knew that if she asked Kakashi, he would do it. They hadn’t seen each other since that terrible night a month ago. His voice echoed in the silent place of Sakura’s heart, sharp and jagged as broken glass.
Sakura had texted Kakashi twice since their fight, break-up, or whatever it had been. She apologized once, then told him that she missed him and wanted to fix things between them. Both of the messages had gone unanswered, which Sakura knew was an answer in itself, much as the empty room had been. Kakashi had broken off their relationship, then left it behind without a backward glance. She did her best to accept the man’s decision while pretending that she didn’t feel like she’d lost a piece of herself in the process. He’d decided the course of their relationship, and as much as Sakura wanted something else, she had to accept it.
Despite those thoughts, Sakura pulled up Kakashi’s contact information in her phone. At a glance, the photo could have been taken anywhere. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but Sakura knew better. Her fingers had created the haphazard way that Kakashi’s hair fell, cascading toward his right eye. His headband was gone, somewhere under his couch if she remembered the day correctly, and his mask rested lower on his face than usual. Kakashi’s cheeks held a healthy shade of crimson under the fabric, but his eyes were bright and open, staring at the camera, at Sakura, with a tenderness she didn’t deserve.
Sakura closed the door on the pain that swelled in her chest and swiped away from Kakashi’s photograph. She dialed Ino’s number instead.
-------------------------------------------
Two hours later, the party was in full swing with children stampeding through the house and adults mingling on the edges of the room. Most of Sakura’s friends made it to the event despite their busy schedules. Naruto and Hinata had come early enough to hang streamers, set out party favors, and help cook the finger foods that Sakura was serving. At least, Hinata and one of Naruto’s clones had. The real Naruto had taken Boruto and Sarada outside to play hide and seek, judging from the sounds that floated in through the open windows.
Sai and Ino arrived not long after, balloons and cake in hand. Inojin and Sai had joined the games in the backyard, along with Naruto’s clone now that Sakura no longer needed help, while the women completed the last few things that needed to be finished before the party. Somehow, by the time the other guests arrived, the living room and kitchen were fully decorated, all the food was finished, and nobody had lost their tempers.
After putting paper plates down on the long table that she’d set up in the living room, Sakura let everyone know it was time to eat. In short order, the kids were happily picking at the finger foods she’d offered while their parents ate at the dining room table or stood around the room chatting. Despite the noise and chaos around her, the tension that Sakura had been carrying in her chest loosened further. The day hadn’t been the disaster that she’d feared.
Sakura’s parents and colleagues were mingling with her shinobi friends, integrating the various aspects of her life the way that she’d done over the past few years. Sai and Ino were chatting with a doctor that she worked with at the hospital, while her father was discussing something with Temati that involved an excessive amount of hand gestures. The only thing missing from making the picture perfect day was Sasuke. The loss wasn’t as keen as it had once been, Sakura had made her life without him, but she felt the ache of Kakashi’s absence keenly.
Raised voices at the kids table drew Sakura from her thoughts. The personalities of the younger generation were interesting to watch. She kept a sharp eye on Sarada and Boruto. The pair had been around each other so much that they acted more like brother and sister than friends. They were currently arguing over the last blue juice box on the table. Sakura intervened by adding another six, two of each color, to the center. Boruto and Sarada separated with a huff, each clutching their prizes in small hands.
Sakura shook her head as she watched the display, recalling what Naruto and Sasuke had been like when they were genin. Though the children were years from that, she saw the same combative, competitive nature of their fathers. She hoped they would use it to hone their skills instead of growing bitter and angry at each other. Living in a time of peace meant that they would be older by the time they finished their shinobi training, assuming both of them went to the academy. The idea of anything else was unimaginable.
Catastrophe averted, Sakura returned to the kitchen for the cake. The sugar high would undoubtedly make the kids hyper, but she planned to let them run it off in the backyard. She was making her way back to the table with a knife when the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it,” Naruto called over the chaos of children cheering the cake’s arrival. Sakura flashed the blonde a grateful smile as she cut the first piece and plopped it onto a plate. She had her hands full without trying to keep up with someone who was late to the party. Naruto’s laughter carried to the dining room, but his words were lost in the babble of voices as Sakura filled the disposable plates with sugary confection.
Naruto stepped through the doorway a few seconds later, dragging a sheepish shadow behind him. Sakura’s heart missed several important beats when she raised her head. Kakashi offered an eye smile and rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, clearly uncomfortable at her scrutiny. Naruto didn’t appear to notice as he pulled the man toward the center of the room.
“Late as usual,” Naruto teased, clapping Kakashi on the back. He reached for the present in the man’s hands. “Here, I’ll take that.”
Kakashi relinquished the package to Naruto who carried it toward the table already crowded with gifts. As Sakura met Kakashi’s gaze, she tried to think of something to say, but the words wouldn’t connect to her thoughts. It had been a month since she’d seen Kakashi, four weeks of waiting for him to admit that leaving her had been a mistake. Except, he hadn’t. He’d walked out of Sakura’s life and never looked back.
As her eyes swept over Kakashi, Sakura looked for any indication that the man noticed her loss as poignantly as she felt his. Had those lines always spidered away from the corners of his eyes? Had the bruise purple circles been so obvious beneath them? Did the tension in his shoulders suggest that he wanted things to be different, or did he wish that he wasn’t standing in the house where they’d—Sakura stopped that thought before it could color her cheeks. She tipped her head in a carefully deferential bow. “Hokage-sama.”
Kakashi’s hidden smile slid a fraction as he returned the gesture. “Uchiha-san.”
The formality between them made Sakura’s stomach ache, but she understood it. Inojin and Boruto made for a good distraction as they argued over a second piece of cake while Sarada looked on with ever watchful dark eyes. The last thing that Sakura needed to do was worry about the complicated feelings that were swirling in the middle of her chest.
“Excuse me,” Sakura murmured, slipping away from Kakashi. She ran a hand over Sarada’s hair and cut the cake into two smaller pieces for the boys before fists could settle the argument. She kept her attention on the kids for as long as she could. When Sakura couldn’t resist the gravitational pull that was Kakashi, she glanced up and found him gone. She caught a glimpse of his back on the opposite side of the room, deep in discussion with Hinata.
Sakura allowed herself one longing glance in the man’s direction, then turned back to the kitchen and her responsibilities.
-------------------------------------------------
As Kakashi watched over half a dozen kids careen around the living room on a sugar high, he wondered if he’d spent enough time at the party to escape without seeming rude. A splash of vibrant pink caught his eye as Sakura moved through the crowd. His chest ached as he watched her pull the strands away from her face. Several tendrils slipped free from the bun at the base of the woman’s neck to dance around her face. He concentrated on not thinking about the feel of them sliding over his fingers as he tipped her chin to the side to kiss her neck.
Their relationship was over, and had been for almost a month, but the proximity of Sakura made it difficult to remember why. Kakashi had avoided her since they broke things off, saving them both from longing for an impossible future. He knew that he’d made the right decision to walk away, but it was difficult to keep himself from wishing for something different. Kakashi had sacrificed so many things for Konoha over the years; he hadn’t anticipated his happiness being one of them.
Coming to Sarada’s party had been a private penance of sorts. Kakashi wanted to see Sakura, wanted to make sure that she was okay with the way that he’d left things. Of course, his feelings hadn’t changed during the intervening weeks, so it hurt to see her moving on with her life. Kakashi told himself that seeing Sakura at home would prevent him from doing something that he might regret. It wasn’t neutral ground after their previous encounter, but it was better than his apartment or her office, especially with so many people around.
As Kakashi watched Sakura float around the party, diffusing tantrums and catering to each guest, he knew that he’d made a mistake. Every movement reminded him of the way that her legs had wrapped around him as they stumbled into the wall. Kakashi noticed the empty space where the portrait of Sakura and Sasuke had hung until her shoulder knocked it loose in a moment of passion. Nearly a month later, Kakashi remembered every brush of Sakura’s hand.
Coughing, Kakashi took a drink and grimaced at the sticky sweetness of the liquid. He’d intentionally arrived late, but the desire to leave pulled him toward the door. He felt out of place among the parents and children, not to mention Sakura’s family. Shikamaru stood in one corner of the room, weighing Kakashi with a not so subtle stare. The man had noticed Kakashi’s distraction the past few weeks, though he hadn’t commented on it. Kakashi hadn’t volunteered any information, but it was impossible to tell how much the man had guessed.
“Okay. It’s time for presents,” Sakura called out. Her voice was drowned out by excited squeals from the kids. Kakashi pressed against the wall as the tiny bodies rushed past him. The air left his lungs in a soft whoosh when Sakura’s fingers brushed his hip as she herded the children to the living room. The movement could have been the accidental bump of another adult avoiding the stampede, but that didn’t stop the electric jolt that shuddered through Kakashi. The subtle curl at the corner of Sakira’s lips told him it wasn’t a mistake.
Kakashi tightened his hand, then released the fist with a soft exhale as he followed the others. Sarada worked through her gifts at a prodigious rate, paper and ribbon flying through the air as she tore them open. A pile of toys and clothing grew on the table as Sakura reminded the girl to thank each person for their presents. A new dress with matching hair ribbon came from Ino and Sai, while Sarada received a make-believe doctor set from one of Sakura’s colleagues. She opened a stuffed fox from Naruto and Hinata, then reached for another present.
“Mama! Look!” Sarada brandished small, foam kunai and shuriken that were modeled and weighted to match the real thing, though designed for a child’s hand. “They’re from daddy!”
Sakura’s brow furrowed as she lifted the paper that the gift had been wrapped in, searching for the tag. Her frown deepened. “So they are,” she responded, watching her daughter heft the weapon in one hand.
Sarada pulled her arm back and tossed the kunai across the room. A stack of paper cups clattered to the kitchen floor as Sakura plucked the remainder of the items from the girl’s lap. “These are only for outside,” she admonished with a huff.
“Can we go play with them, please.” Sarada dragged out the last word in a pleading tone, hands clasped together in front of her.
Boruto bounced on the balls of his feet, eyeing the gift with intent. “Yeah, can we? We’ll be careful.”
Sakura sighed and looked down at the eager faces before relinquishing her hold. “Don’t throw them at each other, okay?” A chorus of agreement rang through the kids as they grabbed the weapons and darted for the door. Sakura’s voice trailed after them. “If anyone gets hurt, I’m taking them away.”
Awkward silence hung over the room as the noise of the children disappeared. Naruto and Sai offered to go supervise, following almost on the younger generations heels, probably to do more damage than the kids did. Sakura began cleaning up the paper and presents, and Ino moved to help her. Most of the other adults returned to conversation, but Kakashi watched Ino rest a consoling hand on Sakura’s shoulder. “It was nice of him to make sure she had a present,” the blond observed, folding several pieces of clothing that Sarada had opened. “I’m sorry that he couldn’t be here in person.”
Kakashi tried not to eavesdrop on the exchange, but he couldn’t help himself. Sakura’s shoulders rose in a shrug, quick and sharp as she inhaled. “He had a mission, and Sarada is still little. She probably doesn’t know that anything is strange about it.”
“Yeah,” Ino agreed, collecting empty cups and half filled plates from the table. “I’m sure you’re right.”
Not wanting to intrude on the conversation, Kakashi turned his attention back to the yard. Naruto had hung a target on one of the trees, and the kids were taking turns throwing weapons at the painted circle. Boruto and Sarada were squared up against each other, holding shuriken and presumably arguing over who got to take the next turn. As he watched, a silent presence appeared beside him. Kakashi didn’t turn.
After a moment, Shikamaru cleared his throat. “I didn’t expect to see you here today, Hokage-sama.”
“No,” Kakashi asked, keeping his voice light and amused. He rested one shoulder against the wall and tore his eyes away from the backyard. “Why not?”
“This isn’t your usual scene.” Shikamaru turned to rest his back against the wall on the opposite side of the window. His dark eyes roved over the room while taking in Kakashi’s expression. “I figured you’d skip it, if you could.”
Kakashi slid his hands into his pockets, continuing to feign disinterest. “I assume there’s a point to this?”
Shikamaru chuckled, his lips pulling into a half smile. “You were never one for small talk.”
Rather than acknowledging the comment, Kakashi dipped his head. Shikamaru’s gaze slid across the room to the kitchen. Sakura stood on the opposite side of the counter, wiping it with a rag. “It was nice of Sasuke to make sure his daughter had a present on her birthday,” Shikamaru ventured, voice pitched low.
“It was, wasn’t it?” Kakashi allowed himself one second to take in the knowing expression on Shikamaru’s face before tearing his gaze away. “Sarada will remember that he cared.”
Shikamaru sighed and raised his drink to his lips, taking a long pull as if the silence would work on Kakashi. It didn’t, so the younger man continued. “Look, I know it’s not my place to say this, but for the record, I think you’re a much better—”
“Some things are better left unsaid,” Kakashi interrupted with an eye smile, convinced that the next words from Shikmaru’s mouth was something he didn’t want to hear, couldn’t stand to have acknowledged by someone else. He couldn’t go down that path a second time.
"And sometimes, being stubborn hurts everyone—," Shikamaru offered.
Kakashi raised a hand, cutting off the rest of the words. "You're right. It isn't your place."
Shikamaru dipped his head with a sigh, mouth pulling into a frown. Kakashi knew that the man had more to say on this subject, but now wasn’t the time. In fact, he wasn’t sure that he would ever be ready to hear the rest of Shikamaru’s advice. Some thoughts were best kept hidden.
Still, Shikamaru’s observation stirred a battered vestige of hope in the center of Kakashi’s chest, and he couldn’t put himself through that again. He squashed the feeling down as Temari cast her husband a pointed look. With a mumbled apology, the Nara departed toward the back yard with his wife to supervise the kids.
Kakashi glanced at the rapidly approaching dusk and decided that he’d stayed far longer than he should have. It was more than enough to put in an appearance and prove to himself that he could be around Sakura without doing something that he would regret. Pushing away from the wall, he carried his mostly full drink back to the kitchen.
As Kakashi approached the sink to dump the offending blue liquid into the basin, something brushed across his back. Electricity jolted through his body again at the familiar form beside him. The armor that Kakashi had consciously worn to the party only partially absorbed the shock of Sakura’s fingers on him. “You didn’t like your drink,” the woman asked, voice deceptively light.
Hand hovering over the sink, Kakashi turned and swept his eyes across the room before settling on Sakura’s face. “I’m pretty sure it’s ninety-five percent sugar,” he countered, reaching for the lazy, unaffected drawl he’d used so often in the past to distance himself from situations that he didn’t want to be in.
Sakura smiled, and some of the exhaustion disappeared from her eyes. Kakashi’s heart did an uncomfortable throb against his ribs before settling into a normal pattern, albeit faster than he liked. She moved closer, dropping her voice to a playful lilt that made the room spin. "Mixed with a bit of vodka, these are the best drinks you've ever had."
For several seconds, Kakashi didn't speak. The words were so far from what he’d expected that it took his mind time to catch up with them. When it did, he laughed. "I always thought you were the responsible one. Don’t ruin my pristine image of you."
"You never thought that,” Sakura laughed, placing her hand over Kakashi’s to keep him from pouring out the drink.
The plastic cup bobbled in Kakashi’s grip when Sakura touched him. His breath caught as she looked up at him through a curtain of pink hair. Kakashi remembered tucking those same strands behind her ears dozens of times; he remembered his lips trailing down the ivory column of her neck. His body twitched with the memory, and heat rushed into his cheeks. Instead of pulling away, he managed a weak laugh. “Are you suggesting I spike the drinks at your daughter’s party?”
“I’m suggesting you stay after, and I’ll spike them.” Sakura’s voice dropped to a whisper that made Kakashi’s face warm. He couldn’t think beyond the immediate need to escape before he did something that he’d regret. Everything inside of him screamed that this was a bad idea, the thing he’d wanted to avoid all along.
Sakura glanced over her shoulder at the room, checking for unwanted stares before turning back. “Please?”
It had always been a struggle to deny Sakura, that was what had got Kakashi into this mess in the first place. He blew out a breath and set his drink beside the sink. He watched the back doors open, spilling kids and parents back into the living room. No one so much as looked in their direction, attending to their own families. “I can’t do that,” Kakashi breathed.
“We’re still friends, right?” Sakura’s voice reached a pained quality that made Kakashi sick to his stomach. “There’s nothing wrong with two friends hanging out together. It’s been a long day, and I could use some adult company.”
Kakashi jutted his chin toward the living room where at least a dozen men and women stood. “You have a lot of choices for that.”
“But, you’re the one I want.” Sakura reached past Kakashi for the damp rag that she’d been using to wipe the counter as she spoke, disguising her words in the movement.
Kakashi didn’t let the choice of phrasing affect him too deeply. Sakura meant that she wanted him to stay and talk, nothing else. He would have known if she’d ended things with Sasuke, and she knew that he couldn’t be with her unless that happened. There was nothing wrong with them spending time together, but that could change in a heartbeat. How well he knew that.
Before Kakashi could come up with a coherent answer, Sakura turned away and walked back toward the living room. Sarada stood amongst her peers, dirt smudging one cheek and cake evident at the corners of her mouth. Sakura set about wiping the girl’s face and hands with an abundance of complaining and whining from her daughter. He watched the pair without moving from the kitchen. It felt like time stopped, balancing on the precipice of his decision.
The arrival of dusk acted like an unspoken signal for the end of the party. Parents began gathering up their children and saying their goodbyes. Kakashi slid into the background of the noise, marveling at the ease with which Sakura moved through the different circles of her life, making everyone feel welcome. Clusters of three and four people left the party until only Naruto’s family and Kakashi remained. Sarada and Boruto were arguing over something on the television while Hinata and Naruto gathered up the boy’s belongings, which somehow had been scattered all across the room.
“Can we help you with anything before we go,” Hinata asked, voice soft and gentle as always. Kakashi felt a smile tug at his lips, thankful that Naruto had found someone that suited him so well. The realization soured when he looked back at Sakura. Did she wish that she had the same? Did she notice the difference?
As Kakashi helped the three take down decorations and clean up the clutter after the party, he wondered what the pinkette thought of them. Not of Naruto and Hinata as a couple, because he already knew that she approved of the pairing a million times over. No, Kakashi wondered if she watched the way they worked as a team to wrangle their son, to be a family, even when Naruto was taking missions left and right in preparation to become Hokage. The blonde never shunned his family the way Sasuke did. He chose his missions with care and stayed with them whenever possible. Sasuke prefered missions outside of Konoha, jumping at every opportunity to leave the village—
“Kakashi-sensei?” Naruto’s voice broke through Kakashi’s thoughts and he realized that the man had addressed him at least once already without answer. He tipped his head to the side and Naruto flashed a grin, an easy mixture of Kushina and Minato that made Kakashi’s heart ache. “I was just wondering if you wanted to walk home with us.”
Boruto stared up at Kakashi with the curious blue eyes and faintly whiskered cheeks of his father, studying Kakashi with a keenness that Naruto never had. Kakashi shook his head. “Thank you, but I promised Sakura that I’d help her with a couple of things after the party.”
“I can do that.” Naruto offered with a shrug. “You’ve been working all day.”
Hinata laid a hand on Naruto, fingers curling around the muscle in his forearm. “You should let him keep his promises,” she murmured. Kakashi had the dizzying realization that Hinata knew or suspected the reason that he was staying later than everyone else. The woman bowed her head toward him. “It was a pleasure to see you, Hokage-sama.”
The well trained part of Kakashi’s mind responded with proper pleasantries, but Hinata’s defense left him stunned. Shikamaru and Hinata both suspected about his relationship with Sakura. How many others had?
Kakashi had always taken for granted that he and Sakura had been careful. He hadn’t shown any favoritism toward her since things changed between them. At least, he didn’t think he had. Could the two conversations have been coincidental? Shikamaru’s words were too pointed to be mistaken, but surely no one else.
Kakashi navigated the rest of his salutations automatically while his mind reeled from the knowledge that he might not be as clever as he thought. Hinata finally managed to usher Naruto and Boruto toward the door. As it closed behind them, Kakashi realized he was well and truly alone with Sakura and Sarada, for better or worse.
The girl sat on the floor in the living room, sorting through the pile of toys and gifts that she’d received. “Alright, time to get all of this stuff up to your room and put it away.” Sakura ruffled Sarada’s dark hair. “It’s almost bedtime.”
Sarada started to make a whining noise, but a sharp glance from Sakura silenced it. “I only have two hands,” the girl tried instead, holding the stuffed fox in one and a foam kunai in the other.
“I can help.” Kakashi pushed himself forward to gather toys and clothes from the floor. “I only have two hands too, but they’re quite a bit bigger than yours.”
“Lemme see,” Sarada demanded, tossing her treasures aside like garbage. Both of her small hands grabbed one of Kakashi’s, then she frowned and poked at the center of his palm. “Take this off.”
Sakura appeared in the doorway, and made a scolding sound under her breath. “Those are his gloves, Sarada-chan. You can’t just demand—”
Waving one hand to silence the chastisement, Kakashi removed the fingerless gloves that he wore almost constantly. Sarada frowned at the scraps of fabric for a long moment, then gripped Kakashi’s hand between hers. She pressed her small palm against his then giggled. “It’s warm,” she observed. Then, to Kakashi’s horror, she pulled his hand close and rested her cheek against it instead.
Laughing nervously, Kakashi pulled away. “Yeah, the gloves keep them warm.”
“Why do you wear them?” Sarada concentrated on each word, clearly trying to sort something out in her head before she spoke.
Sakura swooped in, resting her fingers on Sarada’s head and gently turning her. “Come on, Kakashi didn’t come to give you an explanation for everything. I’ll race you to your room.”
Sarada’s squeal of delight filled the room as she sped toward the stairs with Sakura just behind her. Kakashi sighed and watched the pair go, wondering what he’d gotten himself into, again.
