total random bullshit go @dimaryentry - Tumblr Blog

he’s cancelling on me? he thinks he can fucking cancel on me? fuck that

#yeah i don’t. care. i’m fully splitting lol #i’m so done. whirlwind is hurting me really badly

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what’s with boys that like blue hearts tho goddamn

#boys named matthew that send blue hearts. hmmmmm

i think i did actually accidentally start a spell just by Intention

#every time i think about like. possessing his thoughts. he sends a message #wrapping him around my finger. i want him to see me wherever he goes i want to Haunt this guy #FOR NO ACTUAL REASON. HES A NICE PERSON. IDK. maybe i’m a Bad one

yeah i’m doing a fucking love spell on this guy. fuck you man

#you tell me you’re an obsessive person and you can just Stop like that?? you’re insane #i’ll show youuuuu i don’t care if its unethical

i’m gonna do a love spell on this guy. not to keep him bc i don’t want long distance. i just kind of want to haunt him a little for the rest of his life

#my rebound that never lives in the same country for more than a month #i want you to see my ghost in berlin. i want you to hear my voice in japan. i want you to think about my touch in greece.#and i want you to crawl back eventually when you come back to toronto one day. and i want it to GUT YOUUUUU #anyways. i think im getting deeply toxic but it’s okay #he instigated. i gave the warnings. he pushed.

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is it fishing for compliments to be open and honest about what i don’t like about myself. its more a dysmorphia angle than anything else i think

#i’m not trying to get compliments i just feel like shit and am trying to be Honest about such things

dug and bnuuy huh...

#true ...

god im just so. mad at everything. i dont like being angry and agitated its a really scary feeling for me and its been happening more and more often i want it to stop

#i didnt used to be so angry!!! im just. really fucking tired!!!#i want to be cared about softstyle by someone OTHER than my parents!!!!#and granted. they're doing Phenomenal rn. at taking care of me #but i need yknow. SOMETHING ELSE.

i kind of really want to Explode i think. i just want to go crazy. i have been really fucking put together since The Everything Happened and i dont think people really are recognizing how much effort it is taking

#i want to explode but. i also want #him to realize just how much i have pulled away now #how much i have been acting. when before i used to lean on him so often #its not that im getting ''better'' (even if i am tbh. under normal circumstances)#its that im not fucking talking to him about it anymore #because everyone is pissing me OFFFFFFF

anyways i think that cleared my crush out a little bit . lol. fucks sake

#snapping back to reality that uhhh i might not like to say or admit it #but i am kinda out of all my friends' leagues #i am more attractive/take care of myself better #have a cool job that makes me self sufficient. my own apartment in the city #a career goal. several skills.. interpersonal skills/less social anxiety so i can Do Things in The World #idk man. im just a solid human being i think #even with all my mental bullshit. and im kind of pulling away a lot too so its not even like im leaning on them anymore #and i think i want there to be a crush there more than there actually is now #bleh. whatever. i want him to want me so bad but its never gonna really happen bc hes stuck a decade ago #i just dont want HIM. and thats tooooxics lol

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i feel like a bad person but this fucking guy is so hung up over his ex from when he was FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. and he is TWENTY FIVE. he is incapable of moving on and it has ruined his adult life and i literally Dont know how to help him brrrrother. you have to get the fuck up. i was being actively tortured in a locked psych ward at the time and im still up and above where you are rn holy fuuuck dude. JESUS.

#sorry. i truly should be kinder to my friends. i know i need to be kinder i know i do #but i just cannot extend that empathy its like #yeah shes engaged and has a kid. because shes twenty five.#and its been ruining your fucking life for the last two years since you discovered this #DUDE. PLEASE.#you are my best friend and i care about you but hooolyyyy fuuuuuck man #anyways. on my scary sideblog diary situation

he sends a picture of a hammock like “come lay here with me:))” man. alright

#dancing around this shit #we’re having a movie night when i’m off work too m

flirting by making fun of drake lyrics

#yes i CAN be your princess on the bathroom floor bc i got too lit #stupid fucking album(s)

it’s like. now that i’m single. friend is complimenting my appearance a LOT. like a LOT a lot.

#sent the gc one of my tiktok’s i made for my workplace #and he’s like. wow you have that shit On (its. a normal dress and a belt. it’s Nothing)#and yesterday i made mention in gc that i feel like im somewhat attractive and just need to get used to saying this without feeling like #an egotistical monster #and he was true reacting and telling me in words that it is true. so

ok so. i’m single now. and idk if i have really gotten over my crush on my friend. idk if i would even want anything with him. idk anything. idk if i want to give my ex a second shot. i’m going to the club tonight

#he told me i’m the only person he knows that gets hit on in public #and i’m like. that cannot be true

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i feeeel baaaad bc. someone in my life needs more validation than i do on a constant basis and it feels very lovebomb-y and i know they dont MEAN for it to come off this way. i know this. but i cannot express what they Need from me bc my autism shit is like. strange. its hard to be Affectionate in the right ways.

#i dont even say i love you to my parents whom i love very much #but every time it feels like a test and i am Failing the Test #i am a Nice Person but im not Like That #the people closest to me have a very Lax way of speaking and a very Blunt way of getting things across #and even when im in vulnerablemode i usually preface with. yeah im seeking connection rn and i only want it by your Presence #not really With Words. idk #IDKKKKK i feel like im Losing socially Most Of The Time these days #and it sucks bc its like incompatible autism lol . tireddd

i feel insane i crashed out and there’s one singular friend that keeps dealing with it very incorrectly and i feel bad that they keep missing but. i can’t help the fact that they’re actively making me feel worse constantly

#idk. idk man.#fucking exhausting #i wouldn’t be friends with this person if they weren’t in this group before i was #they’re not a bad person they are just deeply incompatible with me #and i feel Horrific #but. whatever.

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