Summer of Selfship: WEEK THREE!
Prompt Three: Birds / Sunrise | There's More Life In The Morning
Andie had been waking up most mornings before 5:00 am since she started her undergraduate degree — a 5 year long habit at this point. This routine began when her panic disorder developed, and a unique characteristic of her panic disorder was that all of her attacks occured when she woke up in the morning, usually around 8 or 9. Shooting out of bed in a cold sweat or to a burning, squeezing sensation in her chest that spread to her breasts and ribs, usually accompanied by horrific, screaming thoughts about her impending death… which never came.
Her psychiatrist recommended she take her Zoloft at night and wake up before 8am going forward after her third week of straight panic-filled mornings. She hadn’t looked back — every morning, if she wasn’t stirring awake to the clicking beat of her alarm at 5, she was already naturally up at 4. Sometimes earlier.
Andie was good about keeping this routine even when she took trips, and moving to Thailand for 3 months to work 12 hour days was no exception. She made instant coffee in her complementary room, drinking it on her bed with her legs criss crossed in boxers and a band shirt. Once the swill was down, she got up and got dressed, tying on sneakers and pulling on work shorts, followed by a provided polo shirt from the hotel. She did a rough brush of her hair and headed out to walk as the sun was rising, sometime around 5:45, 6:00.
It was her fourth morning there, and she’d already gotten used to this new routine. Back home, she’d go through the motions to make herself fresh, iced chamomile tea, take a jog in the hotel gym, work on some grad school assignments. Being in Thailand, she wasn’t motivated to do any of those things. To try and make up for some of that disinterest, she went for a long morning walk, phone playing some downloaded music quietly since she’d forgotten her headphones back home like an idiot.
As she was turning the corner to step onto the beach and walk along the shore, she nearly crashed into someone who was seemingly struggling through a run. She steadied him, and as she lifted her head, Andie made eye contact with her mentor, Fabian. He looked as equally surprised, and they shared an awkward laugh as she let go of his shoulders and he stepped back, catching his breath and bringing the back of his hands up to his bright red face.
“Andie… you’re up early. Is everything alright?” he wheezed out, almost stumbling as he leaned down and held his knees, looking up at her as he tried to catch his breath.
“Yeah, uh… I’m an early riser. I was planning on walking over to the rocks at the end of the beach to watch the sunrise,” she told him and she reached out again, touching his warm shoulder. “Are you alright? Do you need water?”
Andie unlatched her bottle from the blue carabiner she’d used to attach it to one of her belt loops. He bashfully nodded, and he took a long gulp before passing it to her. “Watching the sunrise… how lovely.”
“Yeah,” she smiled and her eyes fell on his chest as he straightened up. His shirt clung to his body, and he was sweating through the material under his arms. The curls of his hair were matted to his forehead. “Do you want to join me?”
“Oh,” Fabian’s eyebrows raised, and he looked at the smart watch on his wrist before pursing his lips. “Yeah, that would be nice. I’d have to head back for when breakfast begins, but…”
“Sounds good,” Andie said, and she started off onto the sand. Fabian quickly followed after her, heaving deep breaths as he did. “So, do you run often?”
“Uh, no. No, I am trying to get into running. I want to lose a little weight,” he admitted, eyes sheepish as they walked side by side. Andie grinned and glanced up at him. “What?”
“Nothing, nothing,” she said quickly, still smiling. “Just surprised. You’re in great shape already.”
“No, no… I could be leaner,” he murmured, shyly turning his pretty eyes away, his long lashes fluttering as he replayed her words in his head. Andie shrugged her shoulders, and he looked out at the ocean as they grew nearer to the rocks. “So, you’re an early riser, you said? Why’s that? All of my other younger employees aren’t.”
She laughed a little bit at his bluntness. “It’s a mental health thing. I’ve been doing it for a long time.”
“Are you ill?” Fabian asked, and the tone of his voice would’ve made anyone who wasn’t Andie believe she’d just admitted to being an alien. She’d already picked up on the fact that Fabian jumped to horrible conclusions very quickly.
“I mean, no, not terminally or anything like that. I have an anxiety disorder and waking up earlier is a way that I manage some of the negative sensations I sometimes have,” she explained gently. Andie stepped forward and climbed up one of the large rocks. The ledge of the rock was crusted in barnacles and micah glinted in the rising sunlight. Pale yellow and a melting sort of amber orange highlighted her tan skin as she sat down. Fabian sat next to her. “Besides, I like the morning. I always have. It feels less lonely than nighttime.”
“How do you figure?” he asked, a small smile tugging at his plump pink lips. There was a sense of wonder glinting in his eyes and he dragged the tips of his fingers through his curls, pushing the silver gray strands back a bit.
“Ah, I guess…” Andie grinned and sighed, scratching a bug bite on her knee cap as she looked up at the sky. Some cormorants flew overhead, and she gestured mindlessly at them. “There’s more life in the morning. More to see, I guess. I don’t ever see birds at night.”
“Huh,” Fabian mused, nodding his head. “I guess you don’t.”
The orange of the sky parted open to the blue, and the ocean crashed up on some of the waves. A bit of spray coated their legs, but neither of them seemed to mind.
“If you ever need someone to talk to about your anxiety, I’m here,” Fabian said quietly and suddenly. Andie looked at him, and he smiled at her. “It’s difficult to be somewhere that’s not your home when you struggle with stuff like that.”
She nodded slowly, thinking about the night prior when she’d stumbled across him having a conversation with two guests in German rather than English or Thai. “Thank you, Fabian.”
“Mhm,” he hummed, slowly looking away from Andie and up at the sky, where another flock of cormorants were flying by.
