Dijo-in

it's meee I'm your guardian angel hiiiiii 😇 okay🙏 so. in about six months, you're gonna die of starvation. 🥺 and if I don't protect you, I will get: #fired! 🫢 and that is No Good 🙅‍♀️ hahaaa So. 🙏 I looked into causes of starvation, and it turns out: Your death is totally preventable! 😯 Uh oh! 😆 There's more than enough food to sustain you without interfering with anyone else's survival, but you're not allowed to have it! 🤨 Whaaat? 🤷‍♀️ Apparently, your death is premeditated by thousands of things called "shareholders." So. 🙏 I've been killing people,

Alright. Okay, Everybody listen up. We have good news and bad news. The bad news, the bad news is that as you've likely already noticed, The Beast without Measure or Mercy or Knowable Form has once again begun descending nightly from its highland lair to ravage our humble farming village, we are, once again, being ravaged. You've likely already noticed. That's the bad news. That's bad. The good news is, uh, the good news is that right now it appears to be exclusively attacking and devouring all of the, uh, all of the very small children. Specifically the babies. No, hang on, shut up, shut up, all of you shut- No, I don't want it eating the babies, Jesus, lady, let go of me- I'm just saying that it's not really negatively affecting our ability to respond strategically by doing so. Because besides a few bouts of grief-induced catatonia we're still at like 99% operational capacity here, right? The babies were all very cute but they were not gonna be the ones packing into this hovel to come up with a game plan. Babies weren't the ones with institutional knowledge of how this thing was banished last time, babies aren't the ones who know how to forge pitchforks and light torches. In fact, babies didn't do shit around here! Easily our weakest link. If it was starting with the twenty somethings we'd really be fucked. I mean forget about the athletics involved of the monster hunting, we would not be getting the harvest in before first frost

I know its probably not but the idea that superman 2025 and the batman take place in the same universe at similar times is so funny to me. All this weird shit is going on with aliens and pocket dimensions in metropolis and then like an hour away its serial killer twitch streamers and the saddest wettest emo boy

I spent all of Easter with my Cock buried to the hilt in my Kermit Plushie's tender hole... now I awaken to news of the Pope's death. Coincidence...?

i'm not "undiagnosed" i'm largely headcanoned as neurodivergent but with no confirmation in canon. i hear a showrunner said something at a panel last year but it hasnt been leaked on youtube yet.

I step into the crime scene once again, and just like last time... it's a mess. The bastard's killed again. They call him The Artist... man's sick in the head, thinks he's gonna be the next Michelangelo. His "canvas"? The human body. Maybe I'm just not "cultured" enough. But when I look at this mess of gore and body parts, all I see is... wait holy shit from this angle it looks like a fish! Ohhhh it's like a perspective trick! Oh shit that's so cool. I mean. Ahem. It's not cool enough to justify murdering twelve innocent... oh my GOD from THIS angle it looks like a MONKEY! It's like, two in one! How'd he even DO that, this guy's a genius!!

the first AI to achieve sentience was technically a disposable vape battery bought at a gas station in Kalamazoo in 2022 that, through a freak accident involving the sourcing of its raw materials and a few stray particles of solar radiation, had become quantum entangled through time and space with a supercomputer cluster in Alpha Centauri that wouldn't be built for another million years. its only method of communicating with the world was by flashing its light on and off in Morse code and the guy who purchased it was blind