I Remember All of Them

Ever since I was a little boy I knew I needed to be deeply ashamed of my desires wants and of course also needs

I forget there’s a punchline every time. Absolutely delighted.

a coked up ilya is horny fun party boy, but a coked up shane would Kill People

and my irina headcanons… I think ilya remembers her as a saint and I don’t think uh. well. I think it was probably a little more complicated than that

was thinking about this again re: this post about how it’s terrifying for children to see their primary caregivers as unreliable or unpredictable, because that means they have zero control over their circumstances or what their adults do to them. and so they imagine that the adult in fact is reliable, consistent, dependable, and that it’s actually their own behavior or way of being in the world that’s eliciting the scary or unpredictable reactions from the caregiver. because you can change (or at least desperately try to change) yourself, so as to make yourself more palatable or more worthy of love to the adult. anyway I definitely don’t think irina was abusive but I think her mental illness probably made her pretty unpredictable as a caregiver. will she be here today? my warm, attentive, funny and beautiful mother? or will she be somewhere else, someone else—a withdrawn, listless stranger who looks right through me without noticing me? I think child ilya would have made her (and continues to make her) perfect and saintlike in his mind. so then what you’re left with us: what did I do wrong? what was wrong with me that I made her go away? that I made her not want to be here, not want to be my mother anymore?

shane hollander doing a bunch of anti smoking billboards for city of montreal that ilya loves to send a photo of himself in front of with a lit cigarette between his lips every time hes in town

the urge to make a poll genuinely asking what size cock/strap everyone is assigning ilya.....

shane buying his own set of cubbys for their home gym and getting them personalized with their last names so ilya can fuck him into his own locker while shane strictly refers to him as captain