I Remember All of Them

yay ☺️☺️☺️ well alright

sasha and ilya started hooking up at 16. sasha, flamboyantly gay. seemingly the kind of person who can’t really be totally closeted because he is too clockable, who doesn’t have that option. and ilya, who is i think INTENDED to be masc and glowery but then in russian he sounds so gay, and you realize he’s just another sasha. everyone knows. nobody mentions it. he is so terrifyingly good at hockey, and smart enough to stay quiet about it, and bisexual enough to sleep with women, so he is scrabbling constantly at the edges of normalcy and security, teetering on the edge of the closet. and it’s clear that to ilya hockey isn’t just hockey, hockey is devotion, hockey is loyalty, hockey is pride, hockey is his father’s love, hockey is a homeland, and a national and cultural identity, and those are all wrapped up in an idea of duty and love and care and belonging.

the facts are: 1) sasha and ilya grew up in moscow together 2) both noticeably gay 3) both involved in the world of hockey 4) sasha leaves to go do fashion stuff in paris 5) ilya stays.

so i think that scene goes:

he’s going through some master and margarita/dante’s inferno/koko-di koko-da shit. yes those are all thematically different pulls. basically i am never the right amount of high to fully write this fic and also i think i am maybe simply too american to really accurately hit this nail. or perhaps exactly american enough because this is based on my european experience as a 19 yr old idiot. you are now getting what's been in my notes app forever so like... sorry and you're welcome.

offended if people thought he was a bottom, nah. scared? yeah, for sure that one. like if you follow the sounds-gay-in-russian thing… idk i’m always struck by how he makes those little wrist movements but only when he is alone with shane. like people think that because he isn’t ashamed of his sexuality the way shane is that means he is like, not suffering with it. no. that kind of fear is damaging. that level of perpetual unsafety where anything can happen to you at any moment. he’s living in a bomb shelter. i keep coming back to that scene with sasha. he’s clinging to the barest margin of security by his fingernails.

EVERYONE L💛VES ROZAN🖤V❕

very limited edition print with shiny red foil stars is now available! ⭐️ get them while they last. my BC will be taking a small break from mid to late march 🏒 GET THEM HERE

They already know Rozanov is a bit of a wild child, so why not put him with the team captain Hollander who always keeps his nose clean and stays out of trouble? Surely he can keep the kid on the right path, right?

So Ilya is Billetting(?) with Shane, in Shane's house, 24/7. Imagine how that will go, especially if Ilya starts to bring girls (maybe even some boys?) back to Shane's place

And Shane can hear him having sex with these people. Does he get turned on? Does he jerk off? Does he imagine it was him?

Him catching Ilya seeing one of his hookups off and intending to tell the rookie off but god he's wearing nothing but some awfully low-slung sweatpants, his hair is a mess, and that smirk...

Ilya who seems to know exactly how he looks now and fake-innocently asks "Was I disturbing your sleep Hollander?"

God the potential of this

Anon I'm shaking in my boots. Of COURSE Confirmed Bachelor™ and Certified Good Influence Captain Hollander is gonna 'straighten out' the misbehaving rook who's dealing with culture shock and struggling with his English (Shane is breaking out into a cold sweat at the idea of opening his home up to Rozanov. Do not ask him why)

I also think this is potentially a really cathartic way for Ilya to channel his daddy issues. He’s been kissing the boot his whole life. He joins Shane’s team and thinks oh great another hardass who wants to control where I go and what I do. He scolds me and criticizes me and oh what’s that? oh he’s been dying his whole life for someone to put him on his knees and make him beg for it? oh he’s needs someone to hit him really hard until he comes? Oh he’s been frigid his whole life until I showed up and tore his whole facade apart and revealed the red hot molten core of him? well.

Ilya turns off his Find My Friend location and Shane gets paranoid when he notices and works up the courage to ask why in the most nonchalant-i trust my boyfriend-he used to be a playboy but he swears he's monogamous now-i can be chill about this kind of way and Ilya is forced to admit that it's because he didn't want Shane to know how often he goes to McDonald's.

happy birthday, my baby

when people Use That One moment and screenshot of ilya where he's looking up at shane with his head on his knee as dog looking up at his owner or a sub being needy or devoted to his dom propaganda, it always makes me laugh