AMOTM

Love cannot be worth this. Good sex cannot be worth someone who will never advocate for your individual well-being and success.

The infuriating thing for me is that HR Ilya is not at all the worst possible person to fall in love with. He's the best partner for Shane, who meets him exactly where he's at and even through their denial and fears and repression they care for each other so so deeply. He finds out shane's favourite drink and he comforts him through his panicking and he kisses him softly and he loves loves loves him. They are each other's mirrors, they're rivals and the world keep saying they are opposites but they are so so similar at the heart and they're both so scared but so brave.

TLG Ilya is someone else, someone so different he might as well be a seperate character. There is this. resentment and annoyance at shane that bleeds through his internal monologue that is further justified by the narrative as being accurate! It tells us he is in the right. It shows him mocking shane for diet and pushing away his attempts at reaching out and shooting a puck near him out of jealousy and pushing him against a wall in anger and thinking that his queer asian boyfriend does not know the dark side of hockey. And the narrative tells us this is right. This is in fact correct. This is not his depression causing him to act in erratic manners because none of these actions are challenged by the narrative!

And we get these. like. small hints of HR Ilya in TLG (him pointing out food suitable for shane's diet from the menu) and all I can think is oh my gods we could have had that. Had that instead of Ilya never comforting Shane through the absolute humiliation ritual that was the ending. Instead of Ilya offering to fuck him to his goals compilation like shane's worries are a self esteem problem rather than the very real institutional homophobia. Instead of Ilya being happy that this horrible horrible thing happened to them and it brought shane's integrity into question.

like i genuinely DO love JT i don't even like DISLIKE rachel probably because i've met her irl and we had a good interaction and it's a lot easier to hate someone you've never met behind a screen than someone you've conversed with and had a positive interaction with like at the end of the day they're both white people with biases and blind spots the same way i also have blind spots and biases wrt to issues that don't directly affect me!!!!!!!!! like i do genuinely believe we are doing our best on this bitch of an earth AND people are allowed to have critical opinions about things we put out there, especially when we are charging money for them!!!!!!!!! and while i did not enjoy reading the book i liked the first season of the show for the most part and i was genuinely sad my brain never hyperfixated on it like everyone who did seems to having lots of fun meanwhile i'm just hung up on the impending doom of TLG's plot lmfaoooo.

but yeah like while i think HE genuinely cares and THINKS he's doing crazy revolutionary stuff like without consultants and such i just don't know if they're going to handle this with the care it deserves both in the text of the show itself and how they handle things externally wrt social media. like i actually don't know what the answer is in the sense that i really don't think jacob or crave or anyone saying 'stop being racist' is gonna make anyone who is doing this shit change what they're doing. i know for a lot of poc that public statement is important nonetheless but for me i was never gunning for it because i genuinely don't think it changes anything but i do hope that at the very least they have resources in place for their actors of colour to help them cope with the vitriol they will inevitably be getting hit with. and i don't know if they realize that's necessary even now.

i also know this fandom isnt gonna handle this well bc tell me why i saw someone in the ig comments on the casting being like 'what if it's flipped and they're trying to throw us off with the order of the text and justice is troy and charlie is harris' LIKE MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU WANT TO MAKE TROY BLACK? this is like casting snape as a black man levels of tone deaf missing the point likem jhgbeajrjnwfsE. which is all to say i'm sure we're about to get some fascinating (derogatory) discourse. i am curious to see how they handle things with troy-harris with a poc as harris because ik the troy girlies already get up in arms when you imply he was probably also kind of racist even tho realistically..... but also idk if i want the love story to have the character of colour getting with a reformed racist either so idk i'm of two minds about it. which is fine. NUANCE IS GOOD. CONFLICTING THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS ARE GOOD. WE ARE ON TUMBLR.EDU FOR CONVERSATIONS. AND ALL OF US CAN DISAGREE AND THAT'S OK.

because to hear even Tumblr the "gay gender website" talk people only wear harnesses while strapped into a sex swing while being fisted

but the reality is that the harness, both leather and spandex, in gay male world is like stiletto pumps, a bright red lip stick, a short skirt or push up bra.

sure some people are wearing those things because they're about to get laid or hoping to. But lots of people wear them just to feel sexy, confident or powerful. And there's nothing X rated and "shouldn't be seen in public" about any of that.

lots of gay guys wear harnesses to bars or clubs not because its a sex thing, but because its a sexy thing, they feel attractive and confident.

I get that gay men feeling attractive and confident terrifies people, but if you're at Pride and a guy walks past you in jeans and a harness, either shirtless or over his shirt, he didn't violate your civil rights or do a sex thing in front of you, he's wearing a totally appropriate outside that makes him feel confident and powerful.