AMOTM

Rose and Shane (who are both closet cinephiles; Shane because he thinks it's embarrassing to have hobbies and Rose because being a cinephile as an actor just seems cringe to her) are working their way through one of those "100 movies to watch before you die" lists and finally get to Dirty Dancing.

"I can't believe you haven't seen this," Rose says, and Shane grumbles something about not really being a fan of the genre and well, their rule is that if they think the movie is stupid they can turn it off after an hour so Rose finds it on one of the 6000 streaming platforms Ilya pays for (the Fast and the Furious movies keep jumping around) and starts the stream fully expecting for Shane to exert his veto power in an hour.

And then he just doesn't. He sits there and watches the whole thing, mouth slightly open. Usually they talk at least a little bit about the plot or the cinematography (Shane has developed some opinions in that regard, mostly adopted from Rose whose opinions he takes as gospel by consequence of knowing next to nothing about the industry) but Shane is just. Rapt.

Then Ilya comes stalking into the living room towards the end of the movie and by pure coincidence he's wearing a black shirt and pants and Shane looks away from the TV for the first time in 90 minutes.

"Shane," he says, and puts two fingers on Shane's jaw, entirely chaste but extremely proprietary. "Have you seen my iPad?"

"Den," Shane says softly. "It's in the den."

So, your landlord/parents/home inspector/favorite movie star is dropping by, and your place is a disaster. You don’t have much time to clean it up. You’re in emergency mode. Let’s get started.

Don’t panic. Panic leads to fear, fear leads to procrastination, procrastination leads to the dark side. You can do this, but you have to stay calm.

Unlike maintenance cleaning, we’re not looking to completely unfuck one space at a time. Instead, we want to decrease the overall mess in stages, spread evenly across the whole area that we’re concerned about. If you think your home is at Level 10 filth, we want to bring the whole thing down to a Level 9, and then down from there. One really clean spot in an otherwise messy home is not going to be helpful here.

Get prepared. You’ll want to shut the computer down (or turn the modem off if you need your computer to play music). Trust me. Get your music going. Gather up trash bags, your vacuum and mop, some rags or paper towel, sponges, and other cleaning supplies. Use what you have on hand. Don’t get distracted running to the store and spending an hour browsing cleaning supplies. A multi-purpose cleaning concentrate or a jug of vinegar will be just fine.

Breaks are very important. Depending on your time constraints, work in 20/10s (20 minutes working, 10-minute break) or 45/15s. But take breaks because otherwise you’re marathoning, and marathon cleaning is no one’s friend. Keep hydrated, don’t forget to eat, and check in with yourself frequently to make sure you’re physically doing OK.

Make your bed. This will be your home base if you get overwhelmed or need somewhere clear to take a break.

Start with the garbage. Going from room to room, throw out anything that is obvious trash. Once you fill a bag, take it out. Repeat as many times as necessary.

Move on to dishes. Gather the dishes from all over your house and bring them to the kitchen. If you can, start them soaking in a sink of hot, soapy water or start loading the dishwasher. After the dishes are all in one place, spend one 20/10 getting started getting them under control.

Now it’s time for your flat surfaces. Countertops, tables, dresser tops, etc. Clear them off and wipe them down. Don’t get distracted in too much sorting and organizing. We’re in crisis mode here. There will be time to get in-depth once this is all done. The same applies to cabinets and closets. Unless you have reason to believe people will be opening closed doors, leave these alone for now.

Attack the floordrobe and shoe pile. Get your clothes either put away or in the hamper. Start a load of laundry if you need to, but keep in mind that laundry and dishes have three steps: wash, dry, and put it away, goddammit!

Get random stuff up off the floors. If something is trash-worthy, throw it away now rather than just move it around a bunch of times. Otherwise, put stuff where it belongs.

Take another 20/10 or 45/15 to catch up on more dishes, if needed.

Head into the bathroom. Pour some cleaner in the toilet bowl, fill the sink with hot water and cleaner, and either spray the tub and shower with cleaner, or fill the tub up with some hot water and add cleaner and let it soak. Put everything away that’s out and shouldn’t be, clean the mirror, counters, and toilet seat. Sweep or dry mop the floor. Wipe down the sink and tub/shower, and give the toilet bowl a scrub. Mop the floor.

Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Vacuum everything you can, and sweep everything you can’t.

Walk outside of your house (don’t lock yourself out, please). Walk back in and see what catches your eye first. Go and deal with that.

If you’re being inspected or your landlord is coming in for repairs, spend time on whatever area they’ll be focusing on.

Give the whole place one more once-over and pay attention to anything you’ve missed so far.

It’s an old trick, but if your place is a little funky-smelling, put a pan of water on the stove on low heat and add some citrus or cinnamon or vanilla. Don’t leave it unattended or forget about it.

Take a shower, put on something clean, and eat something.

You can do this. It’s overwhelming, yes, but it is not impossible. You just need to do it. You have a list. You have directions. You have a whole bunch of Internet strangers who have been there before and who are cheering you on. You can do this, but you need to get started.

1. A lot of dudes. Just a ton of fucking people from beginning to end of the process.

2. Ancient people weren't stupid, they just figured shit out the same way we do: fuck around until you find out.

3. We're gonna plan this out and it's gonna take ten fucking years, and you will cope.

4. Sticks and string are surprisingly versatile and can be used for a variety of purposes, like moving stuff and making sure things are even and go in the spot you wanted to put them in!

No weekends

Child labor

Slave labor

"The king said to do it"

Fidenae Stadium Disaster of 27AD. A huge gladitorial stadium, built fast and cheap, collapsed and killed 20,000 people, as well as injuring many more out of the total audience of 50,000.

The Sagrada Familia was started in 1882. It is still not finished.

Mingun Pahtodawgyi was started in 1790 but a prophecy said the king who commissioned it would die when it was finished, so he stopped building it.

The Pyramid of Neferefre was never finished because Neferefre died early and his successor didn't bother.

Alai Minar was supposed to be twice the diameter and twice the height of Qutb Minar. Didn't get past the first storey, abandoned in 1316.

Bara Kaman, abandoned in 1672.

The Basilica of San Petronio was started in 1390. The main facade was never finished. In 1514, they hired a guy to construct the dome, but the pope ordered the "megalomaniac dream" halted.

Years of travel and practice have made Shane a decently heavy sleeper, but he always, always wakes up to his alarm sound (the same ones he’s been using since he got an iPhone). Ilya learns that if he wants to get Shane to sleep in, he just simply needs to change the alarm sound, and Shane will sleep right through it. Ilya only does this at the cottage though because if he did it during a typical work week Shane would actually kill him.

Ilya proposes they get a second dog almost immediately after the honeymoon, but Shane holds him off with “Win me a cup first, and then we’ll talk.” Leaving Shane in a pretty tricky situation one year later because “you promised, Shane Hollander.”

Weaponized use of the nickname Ilyusha.

The first All Stars after they’re married they actually aren’t invited because Crowell Sux. But Luca and Wyatt are. But they are very classy about the whole thing because they wanna support their son Haasy.

So during the break they go to. idk Turks and Caicos or something. Ilya calls it their second honeymoon. They are offline for most of the week because they’re Keeping It Classy, but Ilya posts one (1) photo of Shane on the beach with the caption “thank you for the vacation @/nhlcommissioner”

His trolling causes such a ruckus that the NHL has to release a statement that no, they did not bribe the league’s top two forwards to go on vacation instead of attend All-Star weekend.

Said it before and I’ll say it again, Ilya wearing lingerie

tattoos tattoos tattoos

At first Shane is hesitant because he’s like not sure about the pain, but everything he has learned about Shane leads Ilya to believe that Shane might like it a little bit, actually.

They get a wedding band tat on their respective ring fingers. Then later they het the other’s initials on the opposite hand’s ring finger. (bc Russia and Canada wear wedding rings on different hands so they’re paying homage because they’re sentimental lil shits)

Shane gets a little 81 on his hip for Ilya’s birthday and Ilya gets a little 24 right behind his ear, once his heart and dick recover from that particular reveal.

Look at this man experiencing freckles and awkward Canadian politeness and developing a fat crush.

My favourite part however is as Shane is leaving clearly uncomfortable with how their conversation went (he does a head tilt like "well, that went horribly")

Ilya notices and that's when he chirps, immediately making Shane more comfortable as he chirps back. And thus, their lovingly teasing, when they say "asshole" and "boring" they really mean "I love you" dynamic is born.