HUNTRESS

ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED COMEDIC RELIEF

ASSORTED QUOTES FROM TUMBLR TEXTPOSTS, X (formerly known as twitter) POSTS, TIKTOK, MEMES, AND OTHER SOURCES AROUND THE INTERNET

CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.

SPECIFY muse for multimuses.

“   Currently considering becoming a bother and a nuisance, maybe even a menace or a rascal. ”

“   Hungry? Eat the government. ”

“   Yes, I wanna fuck after every argument. ”

“   Silence, you uneducated peanut! ”

“  They should invent a being alive that isn’t so difficult. ”

“   Women have to think I’m hot or none of this matters. ”

“   Due to personal reasons I will be named an enemy of the state. ”

“   Being overdressed is a myth made up by people who didn’t want you to have fun and be sexy. ”

“   What even are daddy issues? Just traumatize your father back. ”

“   I LOVE complaining! You can’t take that away from me! ”

“   I went to the silly goose convention and they all knew you. ”

“   I’m simultaneously ‘I’m tired of this grandpa’ and ‘that’s too damn bad!’ ”

“   The word ew coming out of a pretty girl’s mouth holds so much power … I think that it can tear apart nations. ”

“   Someone made fun of my shoes and the whole time I just thought of ways to push them out the window. ”

“   If you’re short, simply get taller. ”

“   I better think twice? Buddy I don’t even think once. ”

“   My off putting looks, awkward demeanor, and strange behavior have captivated you. ”

“   There’s something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you. Can we kiss? ”

“   You are a fool. When you walk, clown music plays. ”

“   I mean yeah he’s evil and all but what if I were his favorite? ”

“   I really do hate thinking. ”

“   In my defense, I simply do not vibe with the law. ”

“   I’ve done nothing wrong. Except all the atrocities. Besides that, I’m innocent. ”

“   Sorry I couldn’t hear you over my internal monologue. ”

“   Of course you have white hair and trauma. ”

“   So apparently the bad vibes I’ve been feeling are actually ‘severe psychological distress’. ”

“   Stop calling me a bad person just because I’m orchestrating your downfall! ”

“   The more lip gloss I collect the longer I live. ”

“   Sorry that I am obsessed with you in the unhealthiest way possible. As if it's my fault ”

“   The multiple failed assassination attempts against me have helped build both character and self esteem. ”

“   I could be your loser boyfriend. Do you ever think about that? ”

“   Accidentally went and got myself killed yesterday, but god wont let me die so I’m back ”

“   What do you mean napping isn't a good coping mechanism? What do you mean my problems are still here? ”

“   Academic validation is required for my sanity. ”

“   RIP to everyone killed by the gods for hubris but I’m different and better. Maybe even better than the gods. ”

“   Researching the stages of grief to see if I can get them finished in ten minutes tops. ”

“   My parents were like I’m gonna make a child that is so beyond help. ”

“   It’s not easy to admit when you’re wrong, and that’s why I won’t do it. ”

“   Why can’t this family ever have a funky good time? ”

“   How do I show people that I’m more than my unethical career choice? ”

“   I fucked my way into this mess, and I’ll fuck my way out. ”

“   You look so biteable today. ”

“   Why am I suffering? I have so many correct opinions and takes. ”

“   I AM HAUNTED BY A PAST THAT I CANNOT GO BACK TO! anyways ”

“   Challenging authority, angering gods. The family business. ”

“   Third base is me telling you about my father. ”

“   Hey girl. Plagued by terrifying visions? ”

“   Got caught giving a fuck. Embarrassing. ”

“   I didn’t ‘miss’ the red flags; I saw them and thought that they looked sexy. ”

“   Do my dark circles and deteriorating health make me look hot? ”

“   I get my news from the only reliable source, cryptic symbolism in my dreams. ”

“   Another day of being a bisexual disaster. ”

“   I’m going to let myself be a little unhinged today, as a treat. ”

“   Some of you act like murder is such a big deal. ”

“   You wanna hunt me for sport so bad that it makes you look stupid. ”

“   You’re not a girlboss unless you’ve killed someone. ”

“   It’s so weird how no one ever has correct opinions about things except for me. ”

“   Hello, my love — I mean, my rival ”

“   No one is calling me baby and it’s outrageous I can’t believe it. ”

“   No talking stage. Mutual obsession and you see god in my eyes or nothing. ”

“   I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOOKUP CULTURE DIE IN MY ARMS ”

“   Yes baby your emotional walls are high and impenetrable can we kiss now? ”

“   Affection is disgusting. Drown me in it. ”

“   I am gatekeeping my respect from you. ”

“   Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions. ”

“   I am equal parts fuck around and find out and please don’t yell at me I’ll cry. ”

“   Short legs, big butt. I’m a corgi. ”

“   Fuck being the bigger person; I’m going to start biting people. ”

“   Well that wasn’t very slay of you! ”

“   May I please get a crumb of affection? ”

“   I crave power! Please don’t yell, though; I’m sensitive. ”

“   You call it a near death experience; I call it a vibe check from God. ”

“   Here are some scissors. Now cut it out. ”

“   Might commit a little tomfoolery, maybe even some shenanigans. ”

“   All these flavors, and you choose to be salty. ”

“   How can I live, laugh, love in these conditions? ”

“   What if I said ‘to be honest’ but then lied? ”

“   I'm financially at a stage where I understand why people do fraud. ”

“   Yes I may be evil and morally corrupt, but I’m also incredibly beautiful and I think that makes up for it honestly. ”

“   Debates are stupid. Why would I want to sit down and argue with someone blatantly dumber than me? ”

“   I forget but I do NOT forgive.. I'm just walking around hating bitches can't remember why ”

“   Ding dong your opinion is wrong! ”

“   I’m coming for your kneecaps. ”

“   You dropped your nose you fucking clown. ”

“   Are you a fire alarm? ‘Cause you are really fucking loud and annoying. ”

“   Call me an escalator, because I let people down. ”

“   I love me a good lesbian scandal! ”

“   If you can’t run away from your problems, you’re not running fast enough. ”

“   Everything I want to do is illegal. ”

“   Don’t make me hit your ankle with my Barbie scooter! ”

“   I tell gay jokes because I am a gay joke. ”

“   Fuck! I dropped my mental stability! ”

Change pronouns and titles, adapt dialect accordingly.  Especially suitable for royalty/fairy tale/period AUs.

A sapling cannot grow in the shadow of a mighty oak.

I was merely borrowing it!

Speak of this to no one and I shall be lenient.

A lady of breeding ought never to raise her voice any louder than the gentle hum of a whispering wind.

Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.

I was not shrill, I was resonant.

I very much doubt your style of resonance would be permitted in the royal court.

Darling, nothing is final until you’re dead and even then I’m sure God negotiates.

This is our home and I will not see it fall apart.

I trust you slept well.

Why don’t you sleep with the pigs, _____, if you insist on smelling like one.

Your appearance does reflect a certain crudeness, my dear. What can I do to make you try?

I do wish to please you. Sometimes I sit on my own and try to think of what else I could do, how I should act-

After all that I do, after all that I’ve done, it’s never enough.

Have you lost your marbles?

Do you know what the punishment is for servants to dress above their station? Five days in the stocks!

Me? Pretend to be a courtier? Prancing around like some nobleman, why I’ve never even been to the royal court, and neither have you.

They’ll never buy it, you are too sweet.

Now, don’t you dare laugh, I’m coming out.

Nobody will be looking at your feet.

Yards of fabric and I still feel naked.

If you’re going to be a noblewoman, you must play the part.

I suppose it’s because I lack conviction. You seem to have it in spades.

I demand that you release him at once, or I shall take this matter to the king.

— You ill-mannered tub of guts!

You dare raise your voice to a lady, sir?

A servant is not a thief your highness, and those who are cannot help themselves.

If you suffer your people to be ill-educated and their manners corrupted from infancy and then punish them for those crimes to which their first education disposed to them, what else is to be concluded, sire, but that you first make thieves and then punish them?

Are you coy on purpose or do you honestly refuse to tell me your name?

I confess the plight of the everyday rustics bores me.

I gather you do not converse with many peasants.

Am I to understand that you find me arrogant?

Darling, he’s royalty, they’re born like that.

Well then I suppose the penalty for being wealthy is that you have to live with the rich.

Do you really think there’s only one perfect mate? Well, then how can you be certain to find them? And if you do find them are they really the one for you or do you only think they are and what happens if the person you’re supposed to be with never appears or she does, but you’re too distracted to notice.

And is everything just chance or were some things meant to be?

You cannot leave everything to fate, _____. She’s got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand.

You are trying to bait me with your snobbery.

I’m afraid,_____, that you are a walking contradiction and I find that rather fascinating.

You spout the ideals of a utopian society and yet you live the life of a courtier.

And you own all the land there is and yet you take no pride in working it. Is that not also a contradiction?

First I’m arrogant and now I have no pride, however do I manage that?

You have everything and still the world holds no joy and yet you insist on making fun of those who would see it for its possibilities.

Why do you like irritate me so?

Forgive me, your highness. I’ve lost track of the hour.

Your highness, what an unexpected surprise!

It is not fair sire, you have found my weakness but I have yet to learn yours.

In all my years of study, not one tutor demonstrated the passion you have shown me in the last two days.

You have more conviction in one memory than I have in my entire being.

Well this is terribly embarrassing.

Honestly, your highness, where’s your sense of adventure?

You would think I would know the way to my own castle.

And I still can’t believe that I’m down here while you’re up there and in your undergarments no less.

You will give me back my dress, sir!

I insist you return my things at once and since you deprive me of my escort I demand a horse as well.

You can have anything you can carry.

You are reading my thoughts, my lord.

To be so defined by your position, to never be seen as who you are but as what you are. You have no idea how insufferable that is.

They’re defined by their status just as your title defines you, yet it is not who they are.

You have been born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations.

I am sorry, my mouth has run away with me again.

Why you lazy little leech!

There was a bee.

I fear that I am not myself today.

I feel as if my skin is the only thing keeping me from going everywhere at once. 

I cannot stay long but I had to see you. There is much to say.

I used to think that if I cared about anything I’d have to care about everything and I’d go stark raving mad.

Why did you have to be so wonderful?

Last night was the happiest night of my life.

Why it’s almost as absurd as a prince who spends his days with a servant that sleeps with pigs.

What bothers you more, _____, that I am common or that I am competition?

Yes, I shall go down in history as the man who opened a door!

We must get you ready for the ball!

A bird may love a fish, _____, but where would they live?

Just breathe.

Do not address me so informal.

I was born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations.

I know that a life without love is no life at all.

And love without trust, what of that?

I am but a servant to my crown and I have made my decision. I will not yield!

Men are so fickle aren’t they?

Well my, my, my aren’t we feisty today?

Was there a time even in its smallest measurement, that you loved me at all?

How can anyone love a pebble in their shoe?

Oh, I do so hate to see you in irons. I’d remove them if only you’d promise not to run away again.

I belong to no one, least of all you.

I had a horse like you once. Magnificent creature. Stubborn just like you, willful to a fault, it too just needed to be broken in.

You will maintain your distance, sir.

Oh you didn’t say please.

I could hang you for this.

I do love your spirit.

My father was an expert swordsman, _____. He taught me well. Now hand me that key or I swear on his grave I will slit you from navel to nose.

I uh, I came to rescue you.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to help me find the owner of this rather remarkable shoe.

Choose your words wisely Madam, for they may be your last.

How dare you turn on me you little ingrate!

I’m only here for the food.

I want you to know that I will forget you after this moment and never think of you again. But you I am quite certain will think about me ever single day for the rest of your life.

How dare you speak to me that way, I’m of noble blood!

You sir, are supposed to be charming.

“ i heard you were back in town. ”

“ you’re not nearly as quiet as you believe yourself to be. ”

“ discretion was never as strong a suit for you as your… other, talents. ”

“ when they first said you were back, i thought they were delusional. now i worry that i’m the insane one. ”

“ they tell me you’re the one to go to for… well. my particular problem. ”

“ you were great. are great. but… you could’ve been legendary. ”

“ people are rather interested in making your acquaintance. ”

“ you know the police are still after you, right? ”

“ look at you. smirk and all, like we should be kissing your feet for existing. ”

“ you’ve gained quite the reputation, you know. ”

“ i’ve seen you. in the news… ”

“ is it true? what they say about you? ”

“ i don’t believe any of it. how can one person manage to pull that off? ”

“ i… i thought you’d be taller, for some reason. ”

“ you might tell me how you did it, some day. perhaps over drinks? ”

“ people would give their right arm just to have a chance at talking to you. ”

“ the entire world knows your name. and still, we whisper it. ”

“ you’re both renowned and a complete and utter mystery. ”

“ goodness. all the rumors about you, and you look… nothing like what i was anticipating. ”

“ everyone who’s anyone knows the story about you. but do we know the truth? ”

“ you really should hear some of the rumors about you. comedic gold… ”