Side Blog For D20 Posts

as an aro ace person ive quite literally never felt as Seen as i did by riz gukgak in sophomore year who's greatest fear is literally the personification of his inability to measure up to normative ideas of romance, that the level of love, PLATONIC love that he feels for the people in his life does not matter because of the idea that a romantic partner will always matter More and that is something that he is essentially alienated from, that he goes to his father for advice and that even though his father is overwhelmingly supportive there's still the initial assumption that he's just a late bloomer and that "its okay, youll find someone", the assumed default that romance is what will make him happy.

asexual characters in fiction are already rare but im so glad that a story like his exists that is so clearly ABOUT being asexual and what is actually feels like to come to terms with your identity and how you relate to the world as a result, about the bone deep alienation and insecurity that comes as a result, but more than that im glad that despite all of this riz gukgak is still LOVED, by his friends and family who constantly reiterate to him his importance in their lives

Snapping at him for the first time since she got home, and seeing terror in his eyes, knowing she caused him to feel afraid of her more than he ever has before. Realizing she can’t keep doing this, she can’t keep letting her rage control her. She works on her anger management, harder than anything she’s ever applied herself towards before. Ragh flinching every time she loses her temper again.

Lydia realizes she can’t even show her anger anymore because of how scared her son is every time she gets angry, fearing that it’ll be directed towards him again. So she starts walking on eggshells around him, and everyone else in her life so they don’t ever feel afraid of her again. She can’t handle seeing them look at her like that, like she’s a monster. Can’t they see she’s doing this to keep everyone safe from Bakur? No, no they can’t. They weren’t there

Everyone else who was there, never came home. She’s the only one who knows the true evil that she holds inside the gem, inside her own body, every day. They’ll never understand. So she steels herself again, making sure everything she does is controlled. Her actions are rigid, tight, planned. Nothing she does anymore is on a whim or impulsive, otherwise she risks her anger getting the best of her again

And it works, she’s the best mom ever (according to her son). She does everything right, and he stops being afraid of her. Every now and then she can’t help but notice an occasional involuntary flinch from him, one that he feels ashamed for even letting happen. But they talk about it, they work on communication so Ragh knows she’s not mad at him, that he never will be again, not like before at least.

One can imagine how difficult it must have been for Lydia to keep her cool when she was killed by Kalina. Not only dying, but finding out that she’s been in a clone this whole time. Has it been this whole time? Arthur never told her she was in a clone, nor did she have any memory of ever agreeing to something like this. How long had it been that she was kept hidden away?

It had been a long time since she had felt this angry, being left in the dark like this. All Lydia wanted to do was bite and hit and smash and break and ki-

No!

She can’t let her emotions control her. It doesn’t matter how mad she is, she has to stay in control. Even if Arthur does deserve a beating. So she smiles, she thanks Arthur for doing what he did, because it means she’s still alive another day to hug her son.

Then almost a year later, the Bad Kids are investigating a dead god, the same one Bakur was trying to raise all those years ago. And in their investigating, they come to her. “We think we can remove the gem from your body,” they tell her. So she agrees, trying not to let her hopes up too much. It almost goes badly, she feels for the briefest of seconds that this is a mistake, that she’s about to die, but at the last second she feels it. The gem comes out, and it stays sealed. Bakur still trapped inside.

For the first time in years, she comes out of her rage and it’s the biggest relief of her life. She cries. Lydia cries more than she ever has, because she knows she can rest. She can finally feel her emotions again without fear of losing control, without fear that Bakur will escape, without fear of hurting her son.

we all know kristen and adaine's parents fucked them up, but the truth, and maybe this is an immutable truth about the world and all worlds in general, is that every kid bears the weight of their parents' expectations on their shoulders. sometimes the burden is well-disguised; sometimes the pressure is mitigated by a loving relationship — but there's always baggage, and the bad kids are all so used to dragging it along that they don't even realize they're carrying it.

Like, Jawbone absolutely does not catch Riz (he’s fast as fuck boi) but Riz seems really genuinely touched by the effort and eventually near end of senior year, he just voluntarily sits down in Mordred Manor living room one day like … “Um, even tho I have a watch that allows my dad to call me, I still get sad about him dying.”

I want to start this by saying one thing first: Fuck AI.

I know the cast were just riffing on a Bit, and I hold nothing against them--but that scene with HJ using AI to make an apology letter truly gave me an ick. Brennan's decision to tie that Bit into the reintroduction of another character gave me a little catharsis…but I hated that Ally double-dipped into the AI Bit after that.

It didn't help that the start of the episode already had antagonistic vibes with the aggressive way Maya talked to HJ and Bat Child. As Emily said, it felt like the character kept giving the Coterie loyalty tests and proving themselves to be good guys will never stop.

And I know and understand that Maya's whole thing stems from being a resident of Purpee. Of being fucked over by big corporations and wanting to protect herself and her community. But the way Brennan had her go about things was really… A prickly choice.

I'm glad the character sort of retracted her claws a little bit when LeVonte had a meeting with her. But oof. Her cynicism in this episode and the last was a lot to deal with. And I'm just a viewer.

Other than the Maya scenes though, the whole episode felt like a prelude to the finale. Which makes sense because it is the penultimate episode. I just can't help but feel like the whole thing was being rushed.

To clarify: nothing was actually rushed. But it has the feeling of being rushed. Of Brennan ushering the Intrepid Heroes into wrapping their storylines up. And I am very glad Siobhan asked for that moment with Kelly first before the Horror Fest started. I am glad Lou got that meeting with Maya where he underlined what his character felt attacked by.

I'd love you if your name was written nowhere. And if I had to choose between you, and all of the places that my name is written, I'd scrub it from this and every world for another day.

Fight me in the Sky!!!!

(full-res file up on my ko-fi, for anyone who wants to print this out or whatever :] close-ups are under the cut!)