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riz gukgak is so so sooooo important to me that hes so kind and loves his friends so deeply and will give anything including putting himself through immense stress just to make their lives the slightest bit easier and yet he STILL worries he'll be left behind that he'll never be as important to someone else as their romantic partners that there will always be something "wrong" or missing about him by virtue of him not being able to relate to this thing that everyone in his life seems to feel so deeply
as an aro ace person ive quite literally never felt as Seen as i did by riz gukgak in sophomore year who's greatest fear is literally the personification of his inability to measure up to normative ideas of romance, that the level of love, PLATONIC love that he feels for the people in his life does not matter because of the idea that a romantic partner will always matter More and that is something that he is essentially alienated from, that he goes to his father for advice and that even though his father is overwhelmingly supportive there's still the initial assumption that he's just a late bloomer and that "its okay, youll find someone", the assumed default that romance is what will make him happy.
asexual characters in fiction are already rare but im so glad that a story like his exists that is so clearly ABOUT being asexual and what is actually feels like to come to terms with your identity and how you relate to the world as a result, about the bone deep alienation and insecurity that comes as a result, but more than that im glad that despite all of this riz gukgak is still LOVED, by his friends and family who constantly reiterate to him his importance in their lives
Thinking about Lydia Barkrock, and how her entire party was killed during a mission. How she not only had to plunge a soul gem into her heart, but was constantly in a state of rage to keep a devil trapped inside the gem. And how she had to make her way all the way back home by herself, all without the ability to walk. Maybe in this new constant state of rage, she got angered at every little thing. The bars she wrecked on the way back, picking in a fight with anyone and everyone. The inn rooms she left a mess because she couldn’t even sleep and enjoy the room. Days, maybe even weeks later, finally making it home to a young Ragh.
Snapping at him for the first time since she got home, and seeing terror in his eyes, knowing she caused him to feel afraid of her more than he ever has before. Realizing she can’t keep doing this, she can’t keep letting her rage control her. She works on her anger management, harder than anything she’s ever applied herself towards before. Ragh flinching every time she loses her temper again.
Lydia realizes she can’t even show her anger anymore because of how scared her son is every time she gets angry, fearing that it’ll be directed towards him again. So she starts walking on eggshells around him, and everyone else in her life so they don’t ever feel afraid of her again. She can’t handle seeing them look at her like that, like she’s a monster. Can’t they see she’s doing this to keep everyone safe from Bakur? No, no they can’t. They weren’t there
Everyone else who was there, never came home. She’s the only one who knows the true evil that she holds inside the gem, inside her own body, every day. They’ll never understand. So she steels herself again, making sure everything she does is controlled. Her actions are rigid, tight, planned. Nothing she does anymore is on a whim or impulsive, otherwise she risks her anger getting the best of her again
And it works, she’s the best mom ever (according to her son). She does everything right, and he stops being afraid of her. Every now and then she can’t help but notice an occasional involuntary flinch from him, one that he feels ashamed for even letting happen. But they talk about it, they work on communication so Ragh knows she’s not mad at him, that he never will be again, not like before at least.
One can imagine how difficult it must have been for Lydia to keep her cool when she was killed by Kalina. Not only dying, but finding out that she’s been in a clone this whole time. Has it been this whole time? Arthur never told her she was in a clone, nor did she have any memory of ever agreeing to something like this. How long had it been that she was kept hidden away?
It had been a long time since she had felt this angry, being left in the dark like this. All Lydia wanted to do was bite and hit and smash and break and ki-
No!
She can’t let her emotions control her. It doesn’t matter how mad she is, she has to stay in control. Even if Arthur does deserve a beating. So she smiles, she thanks Arthur for doing what he did, because it means she’s still alive another day to hug her son.
Then almost a year later, the Bad Kids are investigating a dead god, the same one Bakur was trying to raise all those years ago. And in their investigating, they come to her. “We think we can remove the gem from your body,” they tell her. So she agrees, trying not to let her hopes up too much. It almost goes badly, she feels for the briefest of seconds that this is a mistake, that she’s about to die, but at the last second she feels it. The gem comes out, and it stays sealed. Bakur still trapped inside.
For the first time in years, she comes out of her rage and it’s the biggest relief of her life. She cries. Lydia cries more than she ever has, because she knows she can rest. She can finally feel her emotions again without fear of losing control, without fear that Bakur will escape, without fear of hurting her son.
That night, Lydia sleeps. She can finally sleep. It’s the best night’s rest she’s ever had, and though she had forgotten what it was like, Lydia dreams again as well
kristen freshman year trying so so hard to make friends and ending up dying next to this random half-orc and suddenly she’s bonded to him and this group of kids for life. she gets kicked out of her parents home and stays at figs but visits gorgug after and sits on his too small bed as she sobs and he holds her. his mom brings them cookies. she cries more. she touches their scars together after prom because she was so scared of dying again. they sleep next to each other in the hangvan while having relationship issues because at least they have each other in the cool spring nights. then kristen dies. and she’s so alone and pretending to not be scared but god is she scared. and gorgug is there telling her to keep going sooner than later and all she wants to is hug him tighter than ever but they still have to fight and win and soon she has a god to follow. and when she finally cries he is there to hold her again. then come the summer break ups and she cuddles him when he cries and he does the same for him and their tears and snot stain the blankets his parents packed but they don’t regret a single thing about that part. gorgug takes so much school on in one year and kristen kills her god so they sit in a room together and pretend that everything is okay and for the first time they lie to each other. eventually it all explodes and kristen yells and cries and so does he and suddenly she’s 14 again and remembers the blood sticky in her hair and they don’t leave each other alone for the next week so they finally relax. kristen watches as gorgug gets crushed by his teacher, a teacher that should care for him, and she can’t protect him like he has her. so she watches and heals and waits for the end of the battle to hug him and kiss him on the cheek and pretend that they’ll never die again and that this is a normal life
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i need to talk about the bad kids and the weight they carry from their parents. because all of them have baggage, whether they know it or not, and it's high time we had a conversation about it.
we all know kristen and adaine's parents fucked them up, but the truth, and maybe this is an immutable truth about the world and all worlds in general, is that every kid bears the weight of their parents' expectations on their shoulders. sometimes the burden is well-disguised; sometimes the pressure is mitigated by a loving relationship — but there's always baggage, and the bad kids are all so used to dragging it along that they don't even realize they're carrying it.
fabian's is easy to recognize. not a day goes by that fabian doesn't think of his father. of what his dad, his treasured papa, not only wanted but expected of him. fabian grew up under the pressure to write your name on the face of the world, to become not just good but Great, to be more than a man — to become a legend, maximum legend, to get it tattooed onto your neck so you never forget your goal, because this is the only way to make your father proud and maybe if you're just like him then your mother will decide to be your mother again. she promised to be better and then she abandoned you. she failed you completely in every way imaginable and her solution was to try again. maybe this child will grow up with a loving mother. maybe she'll get it right this time. but not fabian. fabian doesn't get love, he gets pride, and there's only one way to ensure that his parents are proud.
fig is staggering under the immutable knowledge that she was the catalyst to her parents' divorce. that all of this could have been avoided if she had just never been born. she has so much anger, and it started out directed towards sandra lynn, but now she knows it's anger towards herself, for daring to exist, for ruining a marriage and a life by the crime of being born. poor gilear, saddled with the knowledge that his only daughter isn't even his. and yeah, her mom is a fuckup, but at least that's because of choices she made. fig would have to be in control of her actions to be a fuckup - instead she keeps BEING controlled, from the Dominate Person that led her to nearly sacrifice riz down to the very simple act of being the unplanned child of an affair. she's worse than a fuckup: she's a curse. a plague. and all three of her parents would have been better off if she'd never existed.
wilma and digby thistlespring tried so hard to raise a happy kid. they didn't believe in the stereotypes about half-orcs. not our kid, they said. how could a child of ours be angry? but gorgug is so angry sometimes, and he barely has the language to explain that, much less the skills to manage those emotions. he was so loved, so doted upon, and he tried his best to be the gentle giant, but somewhere along the way he failed, and his parents had no plan for a system malfunction. why would they? wilma and digby never met a bad feeling they couldn't sing their way out of. gorgug could be like that, too, if he tried. if he put his mind to it. it's his fault that he can't keep his rage under wraps. and his parents love him, but they don't understand him, and that hurts them. gorgug is hurting them. the very nature of his being hurts them. he tries to mold himself into the shape of a perfect son, but like everything else in his life, it doesn't fit - he can't give them what they want; he can't become what they devoted all this time to nurturing. he is big and brash and bubbling over with rage sometimes, despite all of his parents' best efforts to teach him temperance and good-naturedness and how to be small, smaller than your body can be, how to tuck in your limbs and take shallow breaths so your bed doesn't break again (again, again, again) and he tries and he tries. it's never enough. he will never be the perfect son, so maybe there's no point in trying at all.
and riz. sklonda. look, how could he not be just like his dad? dad was a badass secret agent, the kind of person riz could only dream of being. he doesn't want to scare mom, but why shouldn't he want to be like dad? except sklonda is scared. she raised him, terrified of what would happen when he learned the truth. his rock, his confidant, his second-best friend (let's be honest, maybe first) — he can't worry her. she has enough on her plate; he can't be a problem for mom. so riz gets really good at taking care of himself. when she can't make it home for dinner, riz knows how many minutes the freezer dinner needs in the microwave. when she can't pick him up from school, riz knows where the nearest bus stop is. and he can't stop solving mysteries, but he can reassure her that he's safe, whether or not it's true — because she needs him to be safe, and riz can't be a problem. he has to be fine. he makes a living being fine. sure, he's in jail for months for a crime he didn't commit, but he's fine. he got kidnapped and almost ritually sacrificed, but he's fine now, mom. i saw dad and he was tortured within an inch of his celestial life and i was almost killed in Hell, but it's fine, mom, because dad is an angel, how cool is that? the important thing is that sklonda can always count on her boy. she can trust him to understand adult things, like the fact that they're poor, and that her demotion might spell bad things for riz's future, and his only shot now is to have a really beefed up transcript so he can maybe get good scholarships, and yeah, that's a lot — god, that's a lot, on top of the harrowing mystery unfolding this year — but. riz is fine.
there's a freedom in hating your parents, in knowing unequivocally that they were bad at being parents, perhaps bad at being people at all. everyone agrees that the abernants were vile, disgusting examples of people at all, much less parental figures. nobody is leaping to the applebees' defense. they failed their children, and their children owe them nothing.
but fabian, fig, gorgug, riz — it's harder when you love the people who raised you. it gets to feeling like the problem is you. like if you were different, if you were better, if you tried a little harder or did something a little differently, then things would be perfect, and that weight you stagger under would go away. if fabian weren't so sentimental. if fig weren't a tiefling. if gorgug weren't so angry. if riz weren't so reckless. you love your parents, and you owe them everything, and this is the least you could do. so why aren't you doing it? why can't you? why are you carrying this weight in the first place?
these four have parents who love them. but that doesn't mean their parents can't also have hurt them. it's inevitable; you grow past the expectations of your parents, and then into something new, something entirely your own, but the bad kids are still growing. they are loved. but they are burdened. both things can be true.
Jawbone O’Shaughnessey subplot but it’s just an extended sequence of him trying to corner Riz Gukgak after junior year when he realized he’s never had an extended heart to heart conversation with him like he has with the other Bad Kids. Riz is just keeping a bunch of feelings all balled up in his tiny chest where he intends to die having never revealed them.
Like, Jawbone absolutely does not catch Riz (he’s fast as fuck boi) but Riz seems really genuinely touched by the effort and eventually near end of senior year, he just voluntarily sits down in Mordred Manor living room one day like … “Um, even tho I have a watch that allows my dad to call me, I still get sad about him dying.”
And Jawbone has to restrain himself from flipping the coffee table in excitement.
Agent Clark was a whimp, my girl Nancy Danderhoof would've caught on to the Hilda Hilda/Wanda Childa scheme in an afternoon but wouldn't have published it because fig would tell her so much dirt about everyone else
Let's Talk About: City Council of Darkness, A Symposium and a Song
I want to start this by saying one thing first: Fuck AI.
I know the cast were just riffing on a Bit, and I hold nothing against them--but that scene with HJ using AI to make an apology letter truly gave me an ick. Brennan's decision to tie that Bit into the reintroduction of another character gave me a little catharsis…but I hated that Ally double-dipped into the AI Bit after that.
It didn't help that the start of the episode already had antagonistic vibes with the aggressive way Maya talked to HJ and Bat Child. As Emily said, it felt like the character kept giving the Coterie loyalty tests and proving themselves to be good guys will never stop.
And I know and understand that Maya's whole thing stems from being a resident of Purpee. Of being fucked over by big corporations and wanting to protect herself and her community. But the way Brennan had her go about things was really… A prickly choice.
I'm glad the character sort of retracted her claws a little bit when LeVonte had a meeting with her. But oof. Her cynicism in this episode and the last was a lot to deal with. And I'm just a viewer.
Other than the Maya scenes though, the whole episode felt like a prelude to the finale. Which makes sense because it is the penultimate episode. I just can't help but feel like the whole thing was being rushed.
To clarify: nothing was actually rushed. But it has the feeling of being rushed. Of Brennan ushering the Intrepid Heroes into wrapping their storylines up. And I am very glad Siobhan asked for that moment with Kelly first before the Horror Fest started. I am glad Lou got that meeting with Maya where he underlined what his character felt attacked by.
It's finale time next week. I'm not as gooped as the Intrepid Heroes are with the reveal of who the Camarilla Big Bad is. Mostly because it's really hard to care about villains who only pops up for the finale. I'm more invested with J Slice and the other supernatural shenanigans of Purpee. And I am hoping the battle with the vampires doesn't take up too much time so we could actually spend the finale with the characters we spent the entire season with: LeVonte, HJ, Madelaine, Zaeth, Darkness Man, Bat Child, and the residents of Purpee.
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I'm just rewatching fantasy high clips while drawing and Bill Seacaster makes me emotional because like what do you mean he said
I'd love you if your name was written nowhere. And if I had to choose between you, and all of the places that my name is written, I'd scrub it from this and every world for another day.
ARE YOU KIDDING?? IT MAKES ME TEAR UP EVERY TIME IT'S NOT OKAY!!!
forever obsessed with brennan's choice to not use porter's legendary resistances on adaine's detect thoughts because he doesnt consider it enough of a threat. like FUCK man. his downfall is literally what makes him a bad fucking teacher. from the very beginning porter has clearly only respected one type of strength. we watch him first day of freshman year dismiss gorgug for singing a song when asked what rage means to him. we watch him hand on shoulder tell gorgug after sophomore year-- who has two apocalypses under his belt by then-- that he's not a proper barbarian because his rage is defensive. he (jace, but, same faction) literally sends two detect thoughts at gorgug and doenst even WAIT to confirm if they worked before retreating because he CANNOT, WILL NOT, believe that gorgug can resist them. and hey listen i know that artificer is an int based caster and detect thoughts is a wis save-- but just think about the fucking foolish, arrogant disrespect that is targeting the kid who multiclassed into an intelligence-based class and being SO confident that it was the wrong choice and made him less effective as a party member that you dont even bother to check if he resisted your MIND-BASED spell. because you believe so strongly that a decision that doenst increase his physical, barbarian strength is a bad decision that made him weaker and lesser in every way. it just makes it all the more poetic when, hey, why would he worry about a measly detect thoughts from the party wizard cowering in the back? he can hit people so hard he crystalizes their blood, and that's the ultimate fucking HEIGHT of power right?
The whole bad kids crew hyping up Murph and barking while going "YOU KNOW MURPHS GOT THAT ONE IN HIM! MURPH HAS THAT ONE IN HIM!" Then just losing it when he actually gets it? Murph yelling "I RULE AT SUCKING" there is a special place in my heart
Fabian has a bunch of products that he would never use but keeps around in case his friends are over, I think. Like, he has a bunch of scentless stuff even though he thinks that's awful and boring because rogue 101 is to minimise traces you can leave and he's trying to entice Riz to stay longer (you don't have to go home to shower you can just sleep over!) He has a bunch of hair products that don't work for his hair structure (we assume he has curls in my posts) because what if his friends with straight hair wanna stay at his place for a while what if. He's considerate! He is also. Getting desperate.
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the bad kids try to gather their significant others for like a big multidate so they go bowling or to lazer tag or something but adaine and riz are the only ones not dating anyone and so they’re also the only ones not distracted by getting their kisses in so they absolutely wreck everyone else. this is how riz finally accepts that he’s aromantic because he’s absolutely certain no kisses could even give him even half the high of dominating lazer tag with a bestie
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