My Chaotic Writings to Dark Literature

They say am a masochist.... ahhhh... I don't know that am a masochist or not..... All I need and desire is pleasure from my own pain. I feel it is better to make comfort with pain to seek pleasure rather than seeking pleasure in enjoyment or happiness or things that makes me feel good... Actually, to be honest, pains makes me feel good, the melancholy, deep down emptiness... the feelings that peirce my heart and slay down my soul gives me calmness.... It makes me serene; what I feel is far beyond brokenness... way beyond the wretchedness, to deep of a desperation... all my dark-filled nostalgia... my soothing nothingness.... above all "ME" - the gorgeous ruin...

When all these comfort me to a greater extent, when all these add a little of beauty to all that I desire.... how could my desire become ugly? Aren't they real beautiful? How could my pain can drive me mad? It's true that I become insane, yeah.... I feel fine with this insanity of mine... How could I be a masochist or a sadist? How can my heaviness be named as masochism or BDSM? It's my heaviness of everything and very deepest of something which is lighter than many bleeding emotions that are tainted....

Am frightened of being joyous, to be in that shit called happiness... So I ignore them... They cripple me and batter my emptiness... These feelings and emotions have got shadows... whereas am a darkdevil who dwells in darkness.... then how could my emotions and feelings possibly have shadows??? How could my emotions and feelings in darkness have shadows????.... Mine are shadowless emotions... they are the darkest ones... I don't want any kinda light to fade away my darkness..... In the first place, my darkness is forever that I have for myself...

From the dairy of,

When you feel nothing but forced to breathe and survive, nothing anymore bothers you. Nothing will anyhow bother you.. You don't bother love, lust don't attract u anymore, no one's charm is appealing u anymore. I wonder where this is driving me into. I ponder whether it is fine or not. Million thoughts in my head affecting and building the heaviness in my heart. A ruined bitch who lives in complete darkness. No soul to open my locked up coffin. The key to my coffin is lost and buried long gone... If u find my grave, u can still see my bloody bones breathing to death..

I couldn't mourn,

My tears are drained.

The survival instinct is no more,

I couldn't feel it in me anymore.

The touches, the kisses, the smooches, the cuddles, the hugs,

Became just an action for me,

And meant nothing to me.

My cheeks skinny,

My lips pale,

My eyes exhausted,

My chin emotionless,

My breasts like a dead land,

Vast and nothing to feel,

My whole skin lost its essence to feel.

I wanna drink to death,

Smoke and to be death or,

To the least wanna be

Dead of hemlock.

Like a wandering bat in the dark,

I wandered along the darkness of my life,

Aimlessly and losing the sex emotions.

I wonder, what am I now?

I ponder, where I belong?

But for sure, I know-

that I destine to die,

In my labyrinth of aches.

Thank you to everyone who got me to 50 likes!

More to travel through my words🥀🖤

Do not hope for me,

For am raped and ruined,

Do not wait for me,

For am not coming back.

Do not long for me,

For I wanna be forgotten.

I wanna be lost,

Into the deepest woods.

I wanna be buried,

Covered by the dried leaves.

So deep down to the earth,

I wanna disappear and still my breath.

Aging with my aches and solitude,

Am into the labyrinth of nothingness.

For am a lost lunatic,

With dreaded dreams.

Am a no longer belonging,

To even to the trash.

Am just an invisible orphan

Who wanna die amidst of nothingness.

"I fear, I fear, what if the dried roses shed tears, it will be sufferingly beautiful."

And I replied,

"They have already shed and enjoyed the beautification of tears."

I cut my hand,

See my blood,

Wanna die in my bed,

'cause no one knows my pain.

I wanna cry till my tears flood,

I wanna die to my empty breath,

'cause no one knows my pain

Wandering in the streets-

lonely at nights,

like tramp as or as an orphan,

I wanna die,

'cause no one knows my pain.

As a damsel in distress,

I wanna cry,

Aches of thousand deaths

I wanna die,

'cause no one knows my pain,

Only you do.

We are engaged to each other,

In a night like this you wanna me -

to be your bride till you die,

But it was later I realized,

Your words were written in the shore-

of sands and the waves gently washed

'em all leaving me to be drowned.

The rhythm of our love tuning sadness,

My verses reverberate the melancholy,

Of my demised smile and the ruined tears,

The wings of my heart withered and naked,

The songs of my bossom rewinds your kisses,

The symphony of my lips faded its beauty,

Your touches and smooches wrecking my memory,

In a far lost corner of my ocean of aches,

Your demised warmth still embrace.

When our things did deeply fall apart,

You slowly walked in your path,

Leaving me in the arms of solitary,

Knowing that it's your only arms-

That I always swoon to die,

In a weary silence into your chest,

That's where I dwell and that's-

where I long to breath my final air,

Looking you in the eye,

And finding my solace with a silent goodbye.

With tears eyes entwined,

His words was washed away,

By the waves of the sea.

Sorrows penetrate the aches,

Heart whirling with the miseries,

Committing sins as a corpse,

Finally dead and wrapped.

The aroma of sadness-

is what I wander for,

In a deserted island-

The solitary is what I forage for.

Blinding the eyes with suffering,

Calming the heart with enduring,

Walking with the palcebo of hope,

Drowning apart with lamenting heart.

To be dead is an urge, like alcoholics have for alcohol and druggist have for drugs.... It's that one urge beating my heart...

No one betrayed me than my own tears. My life is full of untold cries and unheard screams with void in my head and labyrinth of suffering drowning me. I know I'll end one day abruptly...

Unknown is the day,

To be finally silenced,

To be dead and gone.

Heart delicate as the cloud,

Happiness locked up in coffin,

melancholy surrounds my tears,

Eyes shedding blood of fears.

Crumbling wall of my heart,

Depressed and falling apart,

Babbling voices of the mind,

Shattering and making me blind.

Let's share our pain,

And cry together in vain.

Dear Rain,

Let's talk the wave of aches

And smile at chillness it makes.

Dear rain,

Talk to my scars

Touch them with your paws

Oh rain!

Share with me your sadness

Let's together get into the wilderness.

Sweet rain,

Let's dance with each other,

Fathoming sorrows together.

Betrayed and faked, still breathing,

Like a crushed narcissus,

The heart tampered and crumbled.

Deceived by the stars in life,

Standing in the edge of a knife,

With the bloating bleeding smile,

Blood drooping over a mile.

The sky of mania curves a smile,

Scars of the lips talks the nostalgia

Final moments with the closing eyes,

Final drop of blood quenched the thirst.

- Nandhini Chithra 🥀🖤