diaballs to the wall

ayato- ...haah?! what kind of stupid question is that? ore-sama deserves the absolute best of everything, so obviously that means i like 'em big. there’s nothing wrong with statin' the facts, ya know. you humans are the weird ones for tryin' to act all polite about it. just look at chichinashi over there—she's a total flat pancake, and i call her out on it every single day because it’s the truth. hey... chichinashi. why the hell are you makin' that mopey, pathetic face? it's annoyin'

yui- ...it’s nothing, ayato-kun. i was just... thinking about how the day is almost over. don't worry about me, i'll go finish up the laundry now

ayato- oi, wait a sec! don't you dare walk away when ore-sama is talkin' to you! look... it’s not like i forgot, alright? you're always whinin' about how freezing these halls get at night, so... here. take the damn box. it’s just a stupid scarf, but it’s the exact red shade you were gawkin' at in that shop window last week... tsk, don't look at me like that. i’m the only one who gets to touch you, so i gotta make sure you don't freeze to death and ruin my dinner, got it?

yui- ...oh. you actually remembered... thank you, ayato-kun. it's really beautiful... i'll take good care of it

ayato- yeah, yeah, whatever. you’re still a total pancake, but you’re my pancake, so a decent gift like that is exactly what someone like you deserves. besides... it's not like you'll ever find anyone else as great as ore-sama... and, well... i guess that means i'm yours too, or whatever... tsk, don't make me repeat that! just put the damn thing on and shut up!

ayato-

shu- ...haah, what a pain. every time i try to close my eyes, you’re tripping over a rug or dropping something... you’re a total hazard. and now you want to go to the kitchen and mess with the stove? are you stupid? you can barely walk across a flat floor without stumbling, and you think i'm just going to let you play with an open flame... you’d burn the whole manor down

if you’re that desperate to work up a sweat, you don't need to leave this room... i can think of far better ways to exhaust you right here. look at you freezing up... your face gets so red and startled whenever i touch you there... hn, it's cute. now shut up... i'm going to make sure you stay in this bed for the rest of the day

Why does the myth about vampires being allergic to sunlight garlic and holy crosses exist? There's a funny thought I had of what if the myth originated by a vampire lying to people that garlic would keep them away but it was just to make them easier to find? And the sunlight and holy crosses thing, it's probably because vampires are nocturnal and people associate the sun with good and the moon with evil.

But I want your thoughts

reiji- ...your attempts at historical synthesis read like the disjointed notes of a thoroughly mediocre undergraduate student. to suggest that our kind would orchestrate an entire mythological framework surrounding garlic merely to locate our meals implies a comical overestimation of human evasiveness; human livestock has never been difficult to find, given your species' unfortunate habit of clustering in loud, predictable settlements. furthermore, your assumption regarding garlic is quite offensive to my culinary sensibilities; a sophisticated all'assassina or a precise emulsion requires an exact chemical appreciation of that root's volatile oils—why would we deny ourselves a staple of proper culinary science?

as for those tedious wooden crucifixes, your reliance on simplistic dualism exposes the profound narcissism of the human psyche. you are terrified of your own cosmic insignificance, so you invent 'holy' trinkets, arrogantly assuming that your primitive, mass-produced geometry and fragile morality could somehow govern a superior entity. it does not nauseate a pureblood physically; rather, it is the sheer, staggering audacity of your intellectual incompetence that i find so genuinely repulsive. similarly, you project your own mammalian vulnerabilities onto us regarding the sun; because you are defenceless in the dark, you desperately insist the daylight must be our executioner

in reality, what your fragile species clumsily labels as 'vampirism' in your historical medical texts was merely a pathetic, misdiagnosed cluster of cutaneous porphyria—specifically, porphyria cutanea tarda—wherein ordinary mortals suffered severe blisters and disfigurement from metabolic failures under ultraviolet exposure. your ancestors observed their own sickly neighbours decomposing in the daylight, lacked the scientific literacy to isolate the heme biosynthetic pathway, and lazily mapped that human pathology onto us to soothe their panic. the sun is merely an inefficient, blinding nuisance that accelerates the decay of valuable leather bindings and ruins the atmosphere required for proper, undisturbed study, not a righteous saviour for your fragile species

reiji- ...how thoroughly exhausting. to aggressively insert yourself into the conversational remnants of that deadbeat’s archive is already questionable, but to loudly declare your intentions as if you are claiming a scrap of abandoned property is truly the height of vulgarity. do you truly possess so little self-respect that you would treat an engagement with me as some sort of secondary consolation prize to soothe your own ego? 

hmph... you are making quite a great deal of noise for someone who would undoubtedly crumble under the slightest expectation of actual etiquette. still... if you are prepared to subject yourself to a standard of discipline that i guarantee will thoroughly expose your plebeian habits, i suppose your clumsy desperation is not entirely without utility 

very well... stand up straight and fix your posture; i have absolutely no intention of being seen in public with a companion who cannot even manage to carry themselves with dignity

My uni exam is over now we wait for the results in july 🥹 thinking if i should bake something to celebrate.. decisions decisions...

AAAAAAAAAH MISSED YOU TOO POOKIE HEHE~ and can i say, welcome back to my corner of dl hell >:D

channeling all of reiji’s academic prowess into the universe for your success. i just KNOW your scores in july will be marvellous <33

i’ve been on a bit of basque/no-bake cheesecake fix as of late, so perhaps one inspired by the summer fruits currently in bloom at your little pocket of the world O3O? best of all, they're basically impossible to mess up :D

Can I request a little something? °>° What if Reiji was married to someone and he had this pasta he really liked but even he struggled making it. That pasta was known as one of the hardest to make. One day s/o spends all day and night trying to perfect it because they loved cooking for Reiji, Reiji eventually finds them sleeping on the table with an impeccable plate of pasta on it. :3c heheh just a little thing I imagined while washing dishes

reiji- ...how utterly ridiculous. to collapse in such a state of undignified exhaustion over a mere culinary endeavour is entirely unnecessary, and yet... the execution of these handmade sfoglina folds is undeniably precise. you truly spent the entire night struggling with the moisture levels of the semolina dough just to satisfy my specific preferences, didn't you? hmph, your cheek is flushed from the kitchen's residual heat, and your hair is a complete disaster... how terribly careless of you to look so defenceless

*he leans down, parting your messy bangs with a deceptively gentle touch before pressing a quiet, lingering kiss to your forehead*

*...though his lips immediately pull into a tight line when you stir, your eyelids fluttering as you mumble his name through your sleep*...w-wake up, you foolish creature; your nose is resting perilously close to the sauce, and it would be a tragedy for your efforts to be ruined by your own clumsiness. no, i am not smiling—do not look at me with such bleary, triumphant eyes. come now, sit up straight and let us consume it together before the temperature degrades any further... though, i suppose i must confess that your dedication to mastering a dish that even i found... challenging... is mildly admirable. tsk, do not let it go to your head, but... thank you for the meal, my dear

reiji- ...your assessment relies on a thoroughly juvenile understanding of instrumentation. the piano is not a "gentle" medium; it is a rigid, percussive machine of iron frames and high-tension wire where a single millisecond of poor discipline ruins the entire structural integrity of the piece—which is precisely why it suits me. that deadbeat, conversely, lazily scrapes a bow across strings because the violin allows for a disgusting amount of sluggish vibrato to mask his utter lack of technical precision

shu- ...are you still talking. your voice is loud enough to pierce through my earphones... it's irritating

laito- fufu~ but reiji-san, if your precision is truly so flawless, shouldn't you be able to easily outperform our dear, lazy brother right now? or are you perhaps... afraid the "deadbeat" will show you up in front of your little admirer?

reiji- insolent fool. i am afraid of nothing, least of all a failure who sleeps through his own life. pick up your instrument, shu; i will personally demonstrate what flawless timing actually sounds like…. try not to drag the tempo down to your usual comatose standard

shu- ...tsk. do whatever you want. just don't play so stiffly this time

*the ensuing piece is a bitter, breathtaking exercise in perfect friction—shu's bow moves with a deceptive, effortless fluidity that catches every sharp, clinical chord reiji strikes, the two of them locking into an unyielding, seamless synchronization that neither will look the other in the eye to acknowledge…  though reiji immediately slams the piano lid down the second the final note fades*

laito- ara, how wonderful~ that was almost moving, reiji-san. it’s almost like you actually missed playing together! you two really shouldn't fight when you make such a lovely couple on stage, nfu~

reiji- ...! do not dare look at me with that ridiculous expression; it merely proves that even a broken instrument can be forced into compliance when subjected to a superior standard of order

laito = mario: that slicked-back widow’s peak literally spells ‘M’ for masochist/mario. unbothered by the "princess is in another castle" grind bc the chase just makes the eventual ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) better. also hitting the blocks for the drugs mushrooms (100% trying to meet god)

ayato = luigi:  the L stands for Loser. he’s the taller, basketball-suited twin who technically has a better jump-height but actually has a negative balance of his brother's rizz bc, if he like-likes you, bro folds like cheap origami

kanato = toad: screeching pitch match is uncanny. just a tiny mushroom cap of cordyceps rage. will emit blood-curdling sonic spores at minor inconveniences. teddy is just a turnip he refuses to throw

reiji = professor e. gadd: a smart af, pedantic boomer who deals with family ghosts through the ultimate coping mechanism of extreme cleaning apparatuses (the poltergust 3000). def makes yui test sketchy liquid inventions

shu = yoshi: lives to be ridden (metaphorically, visually, whatever). eats everything in sight without chewing, and falls asleep mid-level. if you drop him over a pit to get a double jump, he won’t even try to flutter kick. he’ll just accept his fate. but bro’s mvp rizz is undeniable 

subaru = daisy: hear me out. loud, aggressive, tomboy energy. punches blocks into oblivion with bare fists but is also the most fiercely loyal, sarcastically sweet monarch in the whole desert. wears the ballgown under duress, but orange fits his hidden sunny disposition (if you squint). he's not locked in the castle with the koopas; the koopas are locked in there with him

kino = birdo: permanently left on read by the narrative. spits eggs (irrelevant, confusing, kind of gross); probably a metaphor for his chaotic, unsolicited opinions. gets completely overshadowed by yoshi. the early manual gender-identity lore is the only thing keeping him relevant

kou = wario: the glitz, the glam, the capitalism. he’s laito’s direct rival but way more motivated by cold hard cash and brand deals. his diet consists entirely of high-sodium junk food and idol energy drinks; rips insane ass. 

ruki = waluigi: rival to luigi/ayato. thinks HE’s the masterclass of machiavellianism, but really just a lanky, self-pitying soup aisle reject of the brand-name reiji. why is he here? nobody knows. he doesn't even have his own game. has the extreme height and devastating aura of a man who reads philosophy in a purple jumpsuit but still doesn't get invited to smash bros

yuma = donkey kong: just a massive bipedal entity who loves bananas (sugar cubes) and throwing barrels at anyone who steps on his lawn (tomatoes). icon for his two-for-one-bongo-special of serving front AND back 

azusa = dry bones: a maso-skeleton who gets crushed into dust for fun and then just reassembles himself like "again pls :)"

carla = king boo: the ancient, regal, terrifyingly powerful patriarch who spends 99% of his time trapped inside a literal painting (the endzeit disease/being sealed away). thinks he’s a god-tier mastermind, but his entire existence is constantly foiled by a green idiot with a vacuum cleaner (ayato/reiji). wears the crown but hasn't left his mansion in four centuries because he's allergic to the sun and modern social cues

shin = bowser jr.: a little brat who thinks he’s the absolute shit. has massive "do you know who my dad/brother is?!" energy. constantly flying around in a clown car (his ego) throwing temper tantrums and picking fights he cannot win. uses a paint brush to cause property damage just to feel something. deeply insecure about his height compared to carla, and will literally bite your kneecaps off if you mention the eyepatch looks like a bandana

yui = princess peach: blonde, beautiful, and absolutely zero thoughts running through that pretty little head. her canonical powers include pms (super princess peach for the ds is a fever dream, look it up). occasionally hits a bitch with an umbrella, but mostly just bakes a mean cake while waiting for the brooklyn plumbers to save her from domestic abuse (ayayui shippers do not perceive me)

seiji = toadsworth: 💀💀 absolute worst advisor in the history of monarchy. no wonder peach (yui) keep getting kidnapped. bro is running a human trafficking ring under the guise of "the church."  we have a whole ass kingdom of toads and we are still pocket-dialing two local contractors to do free labor and fight vamps/giant turtles???? suspect

cordelia = pauline: pure 1920’s bimbo energy. she has it all: dramatic red dress, massive honkers, the mean throaty jazz vocals, and is the attention-square on the new donk city mayor scene. toxic, glamorous, and hates being upstaged by peach/yui 

christa = rosalina: space orphan aesthetic. completely isolated in a floating cosmic sanctuary, deeply tragic, beautiful, and fundamentally detached from earthly reality

beatrix = queen bean: (from mario & luigi) just a statuesque, terrifying woman who values discipline, looks like she could crush your skull with her thighs, and is throughly disappointed by her eldest son's lack of work ethic but disowns all but in name the chaotic green one

richter = kamek: the pathetic, sniveling wizard who is eternally stuck in bowser’s (karlheinz's) shadow. his entire existence is dedicated to micromanaging the main villain’s leftovers. spends all his MP resurrecting cordelia (pauline) or buffing other bosses, only to get smacked into the stratosphere immediately after. the ultimate beta-male assistant who wears a dress and flies a broom because he has zero independent agency

karlheinz = bowser: the big bad with the big dad bod. the grand architect of everyone's trauma. the implication that he's eyeing peach/yui to be his fourth (known) wife is... deeply concerning, but he does love kidnapping people for convoluted global schemes (plus when has rejet ever been above canonizing such war-crimes lmao)

reinhart = foreman spike: (from wrecking crew / the mario movie) the ultimate forgotten, dusty-ass retro villain who exists solely to be a bitter, middle-management hater. he’s just karlheinz (bowser) wearing an incredibly bad mustache disguise, pretending to be a regular working-class civilian while running a sketchy demolition business. he is entirely there to cause workplace hazards, construct elaborate traps, and legally gaslight the plumbers into signing away their rights

bonus round -> anime butler man = shy guy (specifically the ones in chef hats from mario party): completely featureless, zero identity behind the mask, just a blank corporate drone serving soup in the background. trapped in the service-industry matrix. could witness a murder in the dining room and would simply sweep up the glass, bow politely, and offer a diatwink another napkin

ba ba ba i'm luvin' it

it's-a-me-fedora-da-explorer. wahoo!