november 8th, 2025 entry
i had a talk with my mum about my diabetes diagnosis.
she said she regretted how she handled it, how back then she didn't speak french fluently like today, and she didnt understand the rules she was told. both my parents handled my disease. my dad cried a lot when i was diagnosed
my mom almost killed me many times, to this day she thinks about it, she told me as her eyes began to water
my mom almost killed me wanting to take care of me and as i'm writing this i see this as a metaphore of how she handled all of my siblings and i during our childhood and teenager years.
nobody took the time to explain to her the basics, the rules, the handling, the doses, the injections in her own language
then my whole childhood as i explained to the other kids that i was ill, i repeated what every other adult would say, and tell them "at least it's not cancer"
but it ate me, my family and i. it engaged conflits with my siblings and parents, it made me a liar, it created the most traumatizing memories. it shaped me into the scared and anxious person i am today
it ate me and i felt so lonely. back then i would wish for the most awful sickness to take me, so the dozens of doctors that were "taking care" of me would finally see how bad i was hurting.
i felt so lonely with all the doctors that supervised me and didn't ask the right questions.
something happened a few years ago that triggered this loneliness, it turned into an anger i still have today. one shrink told me i was going through a diabetes related mourning. why is this anger phase still going and how long will it keep going ?
i wish i could meet all the kids, adults today, that had my childhood endoctrinologist as their doctor back then. i wanna know how this fatphobic person affected their lives, their eating habits.
my dad loved her
later in the day today, i talked to a friend about this and it's like a door of trauma opened. i talked about this i never mentioned to anyone before because the convo felt right and it's a feeling i've never felt before it was so odd
my endoctrino would point out how fat i was becoming, she would argue that i wasn't making any effort, that i was lazy and my dad drank her words and would repeat them to me later
i struggled so much with food, i had to follow so many rules that forbade me to eat sugar, so i would eat so much sugary stuff as i hid myself
i would tell this to my dieticians, and they wouldn't help at all, they would tell me to continue sport, to eat that much carbs and that much veggies, and my dad was next to me so i couldn't really say the whole truth, so i lied, and i wasn't helped
the appointments continued for many years and at some point i saw myself from the outside, lying, being told how much carbs to eat, and i'd see how every appointment was the exact same, how they didnt help at all, and it was the last time i saw a dietician under 18 years old
and my dad was being a jerk to me, he helped develop my e.d. that would be diagnosed many years later, and i was supervised by so many doctors but my dad was there everytime i couldnt say anything, and when the rare times he wasn't there no one asked about my moral, i was so lonely
and i learned a few days ago that diabetics didnt have any satiety because of some hormone that wasnt produced and no one told me, i just thought i have destroyed my eating habits by eating that much sugar
all the doctors i saw, and no one thought to tell me ?
this disease takes so much, sooo much space in my head, i can't believe i ever thought i was fine with it, i am not, i dont know if i'll ever be, and i so need to talk to another diabetic

















