And then I was Custard Powder

So, in typical Tonjes fashion I know you’re all expecting me to come up in this and be like “Don’t Fuck Your Fans!” and just rant and go off…but…I’m so incredibly uncomfortable writing this, That’s the main word I would use to describe how I’ve felt over the past week. Uncomfortable. Also, sad. Angry. Hurt. Depressed. I’ve felt all of those things, like many of you because of allegations that have been made against….at this point, quite a few people in our community.

And, I think a lot of people are waiting for those of us who are public in the community to make statements, make videos, make tumblr posts.

I’d direct you to Maureen Johnson’s post. Hank Green’s. Melissa Anelli’s.

I think we’re all grasping at how to do this because the people being talked about aren’t strangers. Some of them are peers or friends, people in the community we’ve known for a while. And, there’s no set path for how we deal with this.

I think it’s important that we never create an atmosphere of victim shaming. People should be supported and shown love for coming forward with stories that are incredibly hard to tell, for sharing experiences with abuse, sexual coercion, manipulation. People should be encouraged to share their truths.

I’m incredibly gutted by stories about Youtubers engaging with underage fans on any sort of inappropriate or sexual level. In this space, we are here to entertain you…and those of us who are adults should be trying to protect you. I’m sorry if any of us have failed you in that.  Even if our failure was out of being naive, being unaware, being too comfortable or feeling too safe. 

The internet can be this magical place where good things CAN happen. Good people DO exist. It’s a way for us to share our stories, good and bad. To feel safe maybe talking about things we can’t talk about elsewhere. My initial feelings to some of the claims are  - you GOTTA go to authorities.  There are people professionally trained in these situations that you need to be dealing with.

Tumblr can do many things for you and can be a place of great support but it is not a court of law. It is not a hospital. It is not a trained psychologist. It’s only a small part in your road to healing. 

I have total faith in John, Hank, Melissa, Eileen…all of these people, that they will look at what is happening in this community and actively try to make events safer and to make our community accountable.

It’s a new world where you can become popular, famous even, for making videos. You can develop a fan base with your music, humor, intelligence, writing….anything. There are MANY of us who don’t abuse the creator/fan relationship…which sometimes can be a whole grey area in and of itself. Many fans are creators themselves and can sometimes regardless of subscriber count be seen as peers, as fellow content creators. I was the fan of many people I’ve become incredibly close to and in return have had friendships with fans of mine. The dynamics and the power struggle and the understanding of whats acceptable and not acceptable…all conversations we need to have. All decisions we have to make together moving forward.

There have been a lot of good videos and posts made about CONSENT. These need to become part of our vocabulary, part of this larger conversation that needs to be had because abuse and sexual abuse have many levels, many that not all of us are properly taught or that we even talk about openly because it can be so taboo..

I’ve struggled with writing this because I’m so adamantly supportive of victims coming forward for inappropriate behavior to be put on blast. But, I would be lying to you all if I didn’t find myself frustrated with my own feelings in regards to a few things.

One, there have been actual fake posts made which only is a disservice to us. It takes away from time, attention and resources that should be directed at victims.

Secondly, there is a panic I’ve been seeing since the allegations came out wherein while do a healthy assessment of past interactions with accused abusers we wonder if because we were friends with them on Facebook or Twitter we could have been next. It’s important to note that the fear of what MAY have happened does not make it a reality and again, takes focus away from actual victims.

Finally, and I know this is complicated, but I think this is a valid discussion to have as a community and as human beings.

In the case of underage fans, for me thats black and white. 

There are consent laws for that very reason and I don’t have sympathy for people who in a quest to avoid having mature and complex relationships engage in relationships with minors. 

For me, though, if you’re of legal age and you consensually enter into something with another adult there are questions that have to be asked on both sides. How do we get both sides of a story without shaming victims and without immediately sentencing a person? Some of the posts I’ve read legitimately chronicle sexual coercion, manipulation and levels of abuse that are real and upsetting. These bring to light levels of abuse that are possible in all relationships regardless of age, gender or position.

I’ve read some posts that make me feel incredibly conflicted, posts where it does seem two adults entered into a sexual relationship that was verbally consented to and one person remained quiet about their inner struggle with feeling pressure to please the person they loved. Posts where feelings weren’t returned, or they entered into a hookup situation where both parties weren’t monogamous. That’s not necessarily illegal. That’s just sort of someone being a shitty adult. That’s…most of our 20s.

I’m conflicted about some of those posts because I think some of these things may just be failed relationships.

We are human and fallible and sort of blindly crashing into one another as we figure out what we want, what we need, what we won’t accept from friends and lovers. I’ve shared a lot of my stories with you, always choosing to leave out names and super specific details because I’ve been, and I’m so sad that this is considered lucky, but lucky to have been in adult, consensual relationships. These were situations that sometimes ended with someone being a total asshole to me, lying to me, hurting my feelings, not returning the emotional relationship I thought I had with them. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve loved people who didn’t love me back. I’ve slept with people I wanted to be know better before I know them better, guys who just wanted to get off, and Ive been in situations where Ive been on the other end, just wanting a physical relationship and nothing more. I’m sure mistakes and failed communication has happen on both ends. There are situations I’ve regretted…but I regretted them later when they didn’t work out how I envisioned. I always was an equal participant. My personal experiences aside,  I’m so heartbroken for anyone who enters into something and doesn’t feel that on even a basic level they are their partner’s equal. Moreso, that they don’t feel safe communicating this with their partner or the people around them and when they finally do its years later. 

So what do we do moving forward?  How can we be proactive in building up a community of guys and girls who have healthier relationships, sexual or not, who engage in more thoughtful, equal interactions. How do we rehabilitate and educate both victims and abusers?  Because I have to hope for a world where victims don’t stay victims and where abusers don’t stay abusers. A world where thoughtful change can happen. I don’t have the answers. I only have the questions right now. We all have to navigate this together.

These are honestly, just a few of my thoughts. I know it’s been a rough week for us all. I hope we continue to be committed to being supportive, helpful, honest, kind. I love you all very much.

Take care of yourselves and I will see you soon.

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National Sexual Assault Hotline - 1.800.656.HOPE

RAINN - http://www.rainn.org

Hank and John Green talking about Tom.

Melissa Anelli’s post about Tom.

TomSka talking about this whole situation. 

Tom writing on twitter.

Alan about Tom and donating to RAINN.

Honor defending Tom. And saying it wasn’t her place to leave a comment.

In this video, from a year ago, at the 35 minute mark, a guy called Joe who made videos in 2008/9 talks about Tom Milsom acting inappropriately when Joe was 14/15 and Tom was 20.

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Hayley G. Hovers post about Mike Lombardo. Hank and John Green posting about Mike.

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First Anonymous person talking about Alex. Second Anonymous person reflagging the first person. Third Anonymous person talking about Alex. Damien coming forward about Alex. Tikken talking about her former relationship with Alex. And here. Lex talking about Alex. Update: and another post. Lindsey talking about Alex. Also here and here. Nephiesworld talking about Alex. about John Green. Updated: Louise talking about Alex. Updated: Kerri’s post about Alex and unnamed Canadian YouTuber.  Updated: Tove’s post about Alex and unnamed British YouTuber.

Alex Day defending himself. "I don’t know about anyone else but when I read Alex’s post it seemed (as Marina would say) hella manipulative. From what I’ve gathered he knows what to say and when to say it which is how all of this started." (x)

First Anonymous person responding to Alex’s defense-post.  Second Anonymous person responding to Alex’s post: [ONE] - [TWO] 

Hank Green talking about Alex Day.

Alex Day realizing he was wrong. Then read this! And this!!

»Lindsey responding to Alex’s second post realizing he was wrong«. Alan about taking down Alex’s merch.  Carrie writes on twitter. Responds to a post.

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A post about what Eddplant has done earlier. 

Frezned (Tom McLean) being accused. 

One article about Josh Macedo. And another masterpost about him.

One post about Kelly Montoya.

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Danny Hooper being accused. 

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Rosi talking about Alex Carpenter.  Sarah Snitch talking about Alex Carpenter. 

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Deathsy taking about Alex, Tom and Ed.

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Updated: A post about TheGearsKeepTurning by Elisabeth. Updated: A post about Adam (thegearskeepturning) by Alice.

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Updated: Kristina Horner writing about Luke Conard and Alex Day.

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Fake post accusing Tyler Oakley. Fake post accusing Dan Howell was deleted.  Fake Post accusing Phil Lester was deleted.

Hank Green about the fake post accusing Tyler Oakley.  Hank Green explaining that the Tyler, Dan and Phil stories were fake.

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UPDATED:  Liam Dryden talking about what to do now. Hank Green talking about what has happened. Lucy talking about what’s happened and speaking up. Marueen Johnson wrote a post. Summer in the City addressing safety.  Charlie McDonnell about Alex Day.

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Victim blaming is wrong.  If you’re a survivor of sexual assault or abuse, you can get help through RAINN, a great organization. International help.

Educate yourself on what CONSENT means.

Video: Lex made a video about what CONSENT means. Video: Hank Green made a video about CONSENT. Video: The Science and Dangers of YouTube Celebrity. Video: TomSka’s Guide to Gatherings.

CharlieMcDonnell.com: 

For those that haven’t heard yet, we’ve had some pretty unsettling news appear out of a section of our community recently. Many people, including some friends of mine, have come forward to say that they were emotionally manipulated and in some cases sexually abused by certain members of the YouTube community. Some of these posts were proved to be false accounts, while others appear to be more valid. The full story of this issue constitutes a relatively complex web of posts on tumblr which is growing day by day, and I’ll leave it up to you to figure out how to delve into that rabbit hole should you decide to.

Normally I wouldn’t want to get involved in a conversation like this, but given that some of the accused parties are people that I know personally and have worked with in the past, I don’t feel like I can stay silent this time. However, I’m also worried about getting too specific, as the frustrating reality is that I just can’t know for sure what’s actually happened. As much as I wish I could know the truth, I have just the same information as everyone else and so all I can do is make assumptions based on that.

Alex Day, one of the accused, has been a friend and housemate of mine for the last seven years, and during the period that I lived with Alex I did become aware of instances in which he’d cheated on his girlfriends. While this did make me very uncomfortable, the major regret I have about our relationship as friends is that I feel I was too lenient with him about what he was doing. We talked a few times about his cheating, and I let him know that it was something I disapproved of, but ultimately I left any further decisions up to him. I’m ashamed of this, in hindsight. I had urges to talk to his girlfriends about what was going on, but I never found the courage to do it personally. I didn’t want to spoil mine and Alex’s friendship, or our living situation, and so I let it slide. I never want to be that person again.

But please let me be clear: In the time that I knew Alex, I never had any notion that the girls he was with were anything other than happily consenting to being with him. The idea that anything contrary to that was going on behind closed doors makes me incredibly unhappy, and with that, I just don’t feel able to call Alex a friend of mine anymore. Simply put, I don’t know if I can trust him. I feel this same way about other past-friends of mine who have been accused.

Even though I have not been wronged personally by any of this, I feel so sad and angry and confused and drained by the whole situation. I know that many of the people I’m close to as well as many of you reading this undoubtably feel the same. I do urge you to spend time with close friends and family now if you can – I know that’s been helping me a lot. Also, if it’s ok, I don’t really want to talk about these issues outside of this post, at least for the time being. I desperately want to think about something else right now.

To those who came forward with the accusations about sexual abuse and manipulation recently, I have a massive amount of respect for you. I can’t imagine the bravery that it must have taken, and I’m glad that some of you found the strength to speak out because of others doing the same. I still do not feel a real sense of closure from all of this, and I’m sure that feeling must be vastly worse for you right now. I really do hope the resolution that you deserve comes soon.

In case you were considering taking a vacation inside my mind anytime soon, I would strongly advise against it. My brain has been a battleground for the last few days and nights. The big, scary questions have overtaken the potential answers in number and strength and the tiny fractions of answers I’ve collected from the corners of my thoughts are running out of ammunition. I’ve thought about what to say about all of this (1, 2) with every bit of energy I have left because I know that people are waiting for me to say something. I have a responsibility to speak up. Also, I don’t want to leave the other war-torn minds in our community who look up to me with the sole option of making assumptions about my silence.

I just want to help.

How has this gone on for so long and why haven’t we been able to stop it? Have I already lost the trust of the many because I’ve shared a community, a record label, or a friendship with the harmful few? Can I earn that trust back by continuing to love, care for, and support this community as I have for the last eight years? Or do I need to reevaluate my approach? Perhaps most importantly, what can we all do to stop this from happening in the future?

Like I mentioned earlier, the answers are not winning this particular battle with the questions. Not even a little bit. So instead of giving you what’s left of them, I will leave you with a series of letters.

To those who have come forward so far:

I stand with you. You have my full support. I admire both the bravery it took to post publicly about your experiences and the incredible strength you have demonstrated by emerging from what happened to you with grace and poise. I am honored to share a community with you. To those that I know personally, I am honored to be your friend. I continue to learn so much from you and I know that if I truly need it someday, I can draw from your courage. Thank you for standing up for yourself, for others who have experienced similar pain, and for the future safety of our community.

To the survivors:

I hate that you had to go through what you did. My heart breaks for you. Nobody deserves what you went through and it was not your fault. Do not listen if anyone tells you otherwise. Know that I’m here for you, I care about you, and you are in my thoughts. I’m desperately hoping that if you haven’t already, you will take the time necessary to work towards coming out on the other side a happier and stronger person.

To those who are young:

This is particularly difficult for me to say because I did not always understand or listen when adults tried to explain to me why I was too young to be trusted with certain decisions. However, I think that this is extremely important, especially right now.

Your feelings are valid and important. Sometimes, they are stronger than anything you’ve ever felt before. If you’re anything like I was at your age, when you love, you love with your whole being. It can take over every aspect of your life and it can be impossible to ignore. Because of that, it can be extremely difficult to turn away from reciprocated romantic feelings… especially when you are lonely. For me, those opportunities were very few and depressingly far between and I took whatever I could get because I was so desperate to have something. Even a tiny bit of something. Even only when it was convenient to the other person.

When someone you admire pays you a compliment that you are too insecure to believe yourself, it makes every bad thing that’s happened to you seem worth it because it got you here in this perfect moment where everything feels okay. That makes you extremely vulnerable because it is even more painful when you go back to feeling the way you felt before. And the sad truth for me was that hearing it did not make me believe it. I would cling to it with the hope that it would give me the confidence I still couldn’t find for myself. I would do whatever I had to to feel that way again. And since that feeling wasn’t self-generated, I willingly put myself in situations that were not entirely responsible and I convinced myself that it was worth the pain.

I am asking you to take care of yourself because I care about you. Make decisions that will protect you from irreparable harm. There will always be people in this world who will try to take advantage of your moments of weakness. I would (and still do) get this horrible feeling that I’m being followed and picture a hooded, tall figure lurking in the shadows when I’m alone, but the terrifying truth is that person is most often someone you know and trust. This can be someone you wouldn’t even attempt to protect yourself against, which is why they are so dangerous. You might not even realize that they are hurting you until it is too late.

You deserve someone who will treat you with respect. You are worth waiting for. And I hope so much that you don’t have to learn this the hard way.

To the community as a whole:

You are my family. I love you and I would do anything for you. I think that’s why I’m so wrecked over the fact that I don’t know how to fix this. My first instinct as a compassionate and empathetic human being is to provide words of comfort but I don’t know if that’s what we need right now. Maybe feeling too comfortable was one of the many conditions that made all of this possible in the first place.

This kind of abuse is not exclusive to our community. The reason why it seems so common right now is that nerdfighteria, the wizard rock community, and overlapping fandoms are gaining the courage and confidence to stand up for themselves and put a stop to this. Society does not always provide a safe or accepting environment to those who step forward as victims of abuse. In a way, I think that these spaces we’ve created - concerts, meetups, and conferences - have allowed for us to gain the confidence and strength required to share and grow from our deepest pain by allowing us to be ourselves unapologetically. This has made us vulnerable but it has also made us strong.

Being a member of this big, beautiful family has given me friendships, knowledge, incredible experiences, happiness, and the ability to do what I love for a living. It’s expanded my worldview immensely and so many of the people here have taught me to be a better person because they lead by example. But perhaps the most valuable thing it’s given me is the courage to be exactly who I am and the confidence that I will never lose that, no matter who tries to take it from me.

This community is worth fixing. It’s worth standing up for. And I’m not willing to walk away when it needs me most. I’m in this for the long haul. I’m not done fighting. But I can’t do this alone.

Keep each other safe. Keep faith. Good night.

Posts especially worth reading: by Rosianna by Sarah

We all know what it’s like to be spellbound.

We started with the young boy with the scar on his forehead, who lived in a cupboard under the stairs. The boy who sensed and maybe even hoped that there was a world where he could be loved and respected. A world with friends and mystery and adventure: friendly ghosts, talking portraits, flying broomsticks, and a half-giant too big to be allowed who would look him in the eye and tell him an incredible truth: “You’re a Wizard, Harry. You’re a Wizard.”

Our adventure with Harry did not end with the books; we have formed life-changing friendships, created art, and sang deep into the night at conferences. We’ve leveraged real-world change, saved lives in Darfur and Haiti, and built libraries across the world. We have rejoiced together, cried together, and aspired for a better world together. In short, we have created a fandom that is magical. But sometimes even magic can fail you.

Hogwarts, with all its enchantments, could not isolate itself from danger. Harry must have found it difficult to discover that his adopted home wasn’t perfect, but that did not stop him from rallying his friends and fighting to defend it when threatened. And he never stopped calling Hogwarts his home.

Like our namesake, the Harry Potter Alliance will always protect our friends and the places — like fandom — where we want to feel safe. The reports that have come to light recently about conduct in some corridors of our home have left us feeling angry, vulnerable, and raw. Our hearts are broken to learn that members of this community have been hurt. Some of this hurt has been caused by people that many of our community looked up to as leaders. We have worked with these people in the Harry Potter and YouTube fandoms. They helped us rally fans and seemed to share our belief system. We know many of you feel betrayed and we share that feeling. But we are also encouraged.

We are encouraged because women have been speaking up about experiences that society too frequently tells us should be hushed away. We are emboldened because our community is a safe place for these stories to be heard. And we are inspired by those who have helped amplify those voices.

These women and those who have supported them have only made this community safer. They have helped us take the first step in opening a much-needed dialogue, and we owe them respect and gratitude.

Right now it is okay to feel disoriented. It is okay to take a moment to breathe and regain your balance. It is okay to question what you thought you knew.

Fandom is an act of trust. Admiration is an act of trust. When that trust is violated it is not your fault. It is not your fault if someone you admire abuses their status. It was not inevitable. You did not contribute to it. Your admiration did not cause it. You are not part of the problem.

The fans who make up our community are not to blame for these events.

But by working together, we can all be part of the solution.

Sexual assault, sexual opportunism, and emotional manipulation are all unacceptable behaviors that should have no place in the Harry Potter fandom or anywhere else. The challenges we face on this front are systemic. They stem from deep-seated societal issues that are not unique to our community; they are a part of our culture. But we have the opportunity to reject these aspects of culture. We can work to create solutions to these problems. Culture will evolve only when we play an active role in shaping it.

The Harry Potter Alliance is deeply committed to fostering a safe and healthy fan community. We are currently working with a Nerdfighter task force and LeakyCon to help make our fandom better, and seeking the advice and partnership of several professional organizations with experience handling these matters to make sure we do it right.

Being part of a fandom is a shared responsibility. If fandom is a place that you love and call home — if fandom is your Hogwarts — now is not the time to abandon it.

In the hours since allegations came to light about a prominent member of the Wizard Rock and Harry Potter community there have been posts of support, posts of anger and posts of disappointment. Hank Green posted this video about consent.  What has been noticeable is the lack of an explosive reaction from the Wizard Rock community. It’s fair to say that usually in times of crisis there is a huge amount of feedback quite quickly from musicians and fans alike. Maureen Johnson wrote a blog in which she quoted The Daily Dot in this article saying:

"Looking at the responses from Alex Day, the Green brothers, and the cofounder of DFTBA records, one begins to notice something missing from the conversation: female voices. Among the various sex scandals and the resulting blog posts from friends and coworkers, it’s vanishingly rare to hear from any woman who isn’t speaking from the perspective of a victim or fan."

Maureen gave her voice to these issues of consent and offered the perspective of a female who has not been a victim. I would like to offer some insight as to why the female creators of this community have been slow to add their voices to this situation.

1. This is not a debate. 

There is nothing to argue over here. There have been choices made by individuals that have led to this point. No amount of opinion can change anything that has gone before, and the emotional wellbeing of multiple parties are at stake when anything new is brought to the table. Out of respect for the everyone involved - and that is by no means just the victims and the accused - we are taking our time to process what is coming out. 

2. The Community

Over the past few days posts have come up over and over about how betrayed fans feel and how this community was supposed to be a great place. We, the people who have built the community up over the last seven plus years are so completely invested in it that we want to take ADEQUATE TIME to digest what is going on before publicly offering our voices. Female and male Wizard Rockers, organizers and writers alike are just figuring things out. Please allow time for that. 

3. We are not a tribunal or a court.

It can be said with certainty that abuse and manipulation are completely wrong and people should be encouraged to speak out. It is not, however, for anyone but those involved to determine someone’s guilt. Victims of abuse should absolutely be supported, but Wizard Rockers are not going to take to Tumblr to condemn people so that everyone can go ahead and unleash their judgement without fear of consequence.