feast (on) your eyes

My little green army cap with a red star on it, that I got from a stall in Vietnam as a teenager. That was the spring of 2018, which makes it over 8 years ago now. It's one of my favourite hats, and it's been all over the world with me - Vietnam to Malaysia, Singapore, Thailand, Beijing, USA, and now, finally losing itself to the cruel, incomprehensible bipolar winds of the UK. I did catch it at first -- but I dunno -- somewhere along the rest of the day visiting the V&A East Storehouse, I just noticed it was gone, and I don't remember where it went and it's not with me now.

Upon having realised that it was well and truly lost, I sat down on a bench outside the storehouse, extremely upset. It was almost a decade old and it really was one of my favourite items. Having taken my hat from me earlier, those strong winds continue to push at me still, a bittersweet reprieve from the thick, suffocating British summer.

In front of me was the Olympic park. I just sat and thought, then - maybe, maybe this was meant to be another communist lesson about how inconsequential personal material possessions are. It is not my hat; it is, simply, a hat. It would go against the sentiment of the red star hat if I were to miss it. Perhaps its time with me over almost a decade was simply meant to end here in Stratford.

I find that I always get attached to things -- most of us cannot help it, I think. Yet, to remember that I've also had as much as two phones and a laptop stolen from me (and I also recently lost a treasured water bottle that was a gift from my little brother!) I once again return to the conclusion that the things we own never truly belonged to us in the first place. They're just things. I love and care for my things but we do not own the things we love, after all.

Now that I've written a journal entry to cope with this I like to imagine the red star will stay forever with me in my heart!

I was submitting this project to a festival on FilmFreeway, and FilmFreeway was crashing out at me and not allowing me to add ANY card for payment.

I use 4 different payment methods on Firefox. Then I switch to Chrome and used 4 different payment methods on Chrome. I double verify my account, no dice. I clear my cache and cookies, and log out and back in, and try all my cards again. Nothing. Failure after failure.

The deadline was today, and I've been on this for over an hour. So at this point, I'm full-on panicking, and cursing myself for doing this last minute; the support team will probably not get to me on time if I emailed them.

Then, there on the bottom of the taskbar, Microsoft Edge stares at me with its beautiful, blue-green eye. "Try me," it almost seems to say. "Try again on Microsoft Edge."

Desperate, I open Edge, and log in to FilmFreeway. I enter a single card. As the screen loads, I bring my hands together in prayer. My eyes are closed. "Please god, Microsoft Edge," I whisper. "Please accept my card."

The bank screen comes up in the next second. I am flooded with relief. Microsoft Edge has absolved me. I submit my film into the festival, and get the receipt.

1. Journal about my favourite works of media and why i like them

2. Remind myself why I like my OC stories

3. Remind myself that I am not lazy or unmotivated, it's just executive dysfunction. Whenever I work, I actually love it so much.

4. Once I start, I will love it. I am doing what I love.

5. I am truly interested in learning all the things I don't know yet.

6. Treat your art and learning like a 9-5.

this feels impossible for now so I'm crossing it out

- Will add more when I think of it.

Repeating these things to myself in my head is very motivational.

I'm re-subscribing to news sites! Yay!

Reading about social media bans now.

Looks like the one that has passed is Australia's, and many countries are thinking of following suit. They don't seem to have banned discord, or video games with a chat function.

I personally had many more weird interactions on discord, game chats, and lesser known fandom or topic forum websites than I ever did on mainstream social media (which I kept my accounts private on).

I think if the purpose of it is to prevent things like grooming, they really need to ban anything with a chat function.

Which is pretty stupid, I can't lie.

I think this type of legislation is making victims shoulder the consequences of the actions of abusers and people in power.

Why isn't the legislation penned against sniffing out and banning predators? Am I stupid, and is there something that makes it such a scientific impossibility to find and remove the predators who are making the internet an unsafe place in the first place? Why do internet weirdos, who probably live in a shack, have the same staying power as Luc Besson? I don't understand.

And why is NO responsibility being placed on parents who fail to enforce screen time? They also need to know that it's not just about throwing the iPad into a locked drawer and yelling at your kid and making them hate them.

It's not just about locking up a kid's iPad. It's also about giving them an environment where they WILL find something else more fun to do. Letting them do a sport, a hobby, draw or paint, play in a band, or talk or play with their friends. Or play d&d! That's a really fun non-social media thing I enjoyed a LOT when I was in the younger teen age range. I think kids need to be in an environment where they have access to these alternative entertainment ventures.

This sort of legislation also takes away some people's outlets for entertainment, meaning, and community, where the "real world" becomes increasingly more gentrified and expensive.

Malls need money. Movies need money. Bowling alley needs money. Cafe needs money. Comic convention needs money. Yoga classes need money. MUSIC FESTIVAL NEEDS ULTRA MONEY. Where else are you supposed to find community in real life without spending money?

"What about the park???" To be fair, I got sent to A&E as a kid because of fire ants at a park. Okay, no kidding. Parks are a good option, but that's outdoors, therefore weather dependent and not every place has comfortable weather all the time. Not like a nice, comfortable environment you have to pay to be in because people who don't pay deserve to be in the heat or cold or on top of fire ants. Or something.

If governments are in this replacement "parental enforcement" role, will the government also take responsibility in giving the people more accessible spaces as alternatives for community?

Not sure if these countries pushing bans are also pushing accessible methods for teenagers to socialise and find passion and community. It's very dangerous if they don't. Entertainment and socialisation is so important. Everyone's gonna have nothing to do but hate each other and themselves without it.

The methods for age verification can be pretty stupid as well.

Apparently one way to verify age is with a selfie. This one has been enforced in the UK right now.

I'm not even kidding, I am halfway through my 20s, haven't been 16 in 8 years, almost a decade! And there was one time they marked me as underage. Yes, okay, while that's a humble flex, don't get mad, that's not the point I'm making. I got around it in the end when I found the worst possible lighting for my face, and tried to look dead-eyed and a bit angry. That got me past the adult filter.

This is because I don't look too different from when I was 15-16, and I think the ages near the ban really blur the line as well. Feels like a system designed to inconvenience adults as well as potentially letting minors through.

It's such an inconvenience too. I can't even research my big boy Adult Interests without being asked to LOOK LEFT! LOOK RIGHT! again and again at EVERY new site. This shit pisses me off. Fuck off! I haven't been 16 in almost a decade! Actually fuck off man 😭 Thinking about this has annoyed me to the point of using an emoji in my Sophisticated Text Blog.

Well it's not really sophisticated, I lied. It's just some thoughts I had in my head that are very much from my POV only and based on my experiences. I'm going to keep reading into articles to actually see why people pushed this legislation into practice.

On the other hand, indeed, kids shouldn't be glued to their screens.

I had really a fulfilling childhood where a screentime ban was very, very strictly enforced up until the later ages of 16 and above. I don't regret this and I believe this allowed me to form into my own person without an algorithm shaping my very being into a trope.

However, I recognise that I was in a position of privilege in regards of alternative activities my parents gave me access to in my life, like classes, trips, hobbies they never discouraged me from, and such. In addition, I was pretty much best friends with my younger brother as kids and he was very agreeable in playing all my pretend games with me.

I don't think the screen is entirely evil.

I was still "glued to a screen" in a way where I was a fiend for movies and cartoons, and absolutely loved TV. We had DVDs and all that, because my father was a movie buff too, and he loved buying the ones from those roadside plastic tables.

I found one of my greatest passions of life, art and film, via entertainment on the screen.

In the same vine, social media can help teenagers discover their passion and community at a time where they are discovering who they are as a person. I solidified what I wanted to be for the rest of my life at, arguably, age 11-15.

Maybe that's why it's so important and beautiful, but so dangerous at the same time.

Even so, a ban like this feels like a shallow net cast to capture the deep social issues that it aims to terminate.

I will be reading more, but I doubt I'd change my mind, so this is my thoughts so far. Sorry to the Australian teenagers who will never get to see this, rip, you will be remembered

Then I have to ask myself a question to process my thoughts further, maybe discover something about myself.

Is it better to air dry my hair or blow dry? Different people say different things. Today I am air drying because I got really distracted and just forgot. The adhd is strong today.

I think that's why I'm itching to chat.

At the same time I can't stay on topic.

I actually really intended to watch Farewell My Concubine but I don't want to without snacks somehow, even though I never snack when I watch movies.

I wonder

Ok, I forgot what I was gonna say, because I tabbed out of this app to order delivery. I was fiendish for some pringles, but I felt really bloated and flabby, so I ordered grapes instead. I'm really excited for my grapes.

I got them from Uber, and there was a £15 off the order promotion if I ordered £30 of stuff, so it was pretty worth it!

It's coming at 9.40pm.

I will watch my movie and eat my grapes.

I also ordered more yoghurt and strawberries too.

Just now I was also browsing my Snapchat from 2017 to see pictures of me when I looked like this emoji 🤓

I posted it on my main Instagram account so that I may never forget my roots!!!

I also posted other things from that era including a picture of Candy when she was 3 years old, and a Monopoly video. I really like the game Monopoly, actually. My friend told me it was designed by a woman to raise class consciousness, which is pretty badass.

I also lost my earbuds so I have to rawdog so many of my daily activities without music right now.

I hope it's in my room and I hope it turns up later.

In relation to how I feel when I consume art and media that I love, as an artist. It's hits very close to me. This is not a movie analysis, this is me just journalling!

Preface, I would never have any genuine negative intent towards people I admire.

Only ingenuine -- very ingenuine -- in-the-moment raging envy for the breathtaking beauty of their work. (I say ingenuine because I never mean it; ultimately I admire them more. But you know the feeling in the moment).

What I feel is the one where you want what they have. It's not jealousy, it's envy.

Admittedly, it's why I've been unable to browse social media at all for a long time now.

No it's not particularly because I want to do a strict digital minimalism thing. While I do hate algorithms, and don't like the idea that I'm being fed what it thinks I like instead of deciding for myself, digital minimalism is just a separate issue I may write about another time.

I don't scroll largely because it does make me feel really envious after a while. I don't know if that makes me petty.

If I scroll for 15 minutes or so, I do get very inspired at first.

I see things that people do, that make me want to follow in their giant, dazzling footsteps. It's so exciting, sometimes I'm standing from my seat and pacing the room, and that's how excited I get from seeing other people's original work.

But after a certain amount of time? I'm hit with a wave of doom.

The scrolling descends into a pit of:

This is so nice, why don't I have anything like this? Let me search up this artist I was a fan of as a kid. Fuck, they got so much better and they were already so good before. Short film short film short film. There's so many out there and they're all good. Mine still looks so......... indie...... at best. If I post this, will anybody look at it? If I sell this, will anybody want to buy it? Why are they so good? This is the most clever innovative thing I've ever seen. They did this all alone in one night? It's just a first draft?

Yes, Salieri is objectively a terrible person in the movie.

And there is no 'but' to this sentence.

It only puts into perspective how horrible, all-consuming and ugly severe envy for someone really is.

As a teenager or young adult there were times when I would get into horrible, ugly fits of envy. It should have been me. I deserved it more than they do.

It was to the point where I would descend into fits of tears and sobbing because someone I knew did something so great, that they were recognised for it by the people around them. I would think, I think I am good at this too. Why am I not recognised?

I regret these actions dearly. Especially the one where I (verbally) lashed out in envy at someone I dearly love. I never want to be in that situation again.

It's good that I haven't done anything like it since. Yet, even that one time haunts me. I'm mortified that I ever acted in that way.

While what Salieri did in the film was on a far different scale to what most people do, I think there are some aspects of it -- the core emotions -- that are very, very real.

(Hopefully) not many of us will end up doing what Salieri in the film did, but I do think what he feels is very relatable. Praying to god for an opportunity to do what you love. Falling in love with (an apparent) prodigy's work only to feel immense envy when said prodigy is someone close in your life.

Admiration is a red mood with a rose-like quality.

People I admire are like roses. It's one thing when they are a celebrity, or someone removed that you've never met; a rose is only ever bright and fragrant from afar. But when it's someone close to you, you're pricked by this thorn of envy. And from there I bleed regret.

I've been setting my mind to moving past these feelings.

At the end of the day, I admire people who do their best in what they find most meaningful. I admire that so much.

Getting older has really helped me mellow out. It's nice to learn and realise things the more time I spend just living.

Whatever measures I took to regulating these feelings -- even disengagement -- will be taken.

Any method, even if they don't seem too noble, are steps that I try to take help me stay more positive about the way I see what I do.

I will only allow myself that 15 minutes of admiration and inspiration, and no more. I will only allow myself to see things as the good things they are, and not make everything about me, my woes, my insecurities. I cut the stem before the part where it rots, so that I will eat what's ripe just fine.

Realness rating ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Cliffside road, shallow but tumultuous seas right beside the cliff, high tide. Huge orcas followed the car with in same constant as the moon would, and they were the size of buses, these orcas, in stark black and white. They were rising vertically from the sea beside a cliffside road, and swallowed a man. I felt a very deep awe when I saw just how large they were. (They were bigger in my dream than their actual size)

I was in the car sitting shotgun, the car is filled with my extended family. I hear only their voices. I believed we were going to a water park or amusement park.

Water parks and amusement parks are a recurring theme in my dream, as they were childhood memories, I would guess.

Woke up and googled if orcas would rise from the sea vertically like in my dream, and it seems they do!

I love the visual of vertical whales.

Nothing about Star Wars here, just want to keep calling it mid until its shooters take me out of my misery of crunching deadlines. crunch

I've been itching to write and journal in a blog. I want my current miserably unemployed executively dysfunctional starving artist self to entertain my disciplined famous sexy-silver-fox-billionaire future self.

I looked into Substack to write on, but that's a newsletter apparently, and I don't have any news to letter, so here I am, back to tumblr. Simple old tumblr. Hit the plus. Write the post.

My teenage self who last came here had this clever, snarky voice to her that I miss, got from a diet of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy no doubt. As cringy as she was, she was pretty funny. My pronoun isn't her, I'll never be her. I kind of want it back. The snark, I mean. The pronouns are whatever. When I try to be sarcastic now, I'll just sound like Charlie Moistcritikal and that's on a good day. Perhaps posting on her blog and wearing her skin lile Buffalo Bill will help. This whole thing... see? See what I just said about sounding like Charlie?