Take a step forward

Eridan stood outside his hive, looking over at the ocean with the warm air blowing through his hair, chilling the purple streaks on his face where tears had been running minutes before. Sometimes he thinks way too much, he overestimates how much people actually care about him. He also doesn’t think about things enough, especially not when he blindly rushes at people with his feelings.

 This was all he was thinking, and the thoughts—no… the facts, were crushing him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, he was trapped between the bars of loneliness and regret. There was a dull throbbing pain inside his chest as he relayed his most recent rejection in his mind, feeling a whole new wave of tears rush down his face.

        It was a quiet place, the hall that Eridan had dragged Karkat out to. He had all but expected the soul shattering, heart crippling reply that he had gotten. God, when would he learn… when would he learn to hold his fucking tongue?

 “Kar. I know what you’re thinkin’ but this isn’t just some desperate attempt to fill my quadrants, I fucking swear.” The agonizing silence from his closest friend, fuck… pretty much his only friend right now, it was so hard to bear. He just couldn’t stop talking. “Please, I cant explain why I feel this way I cant act against it I cant pretend like I don’t feel this way about you, an’ I sure as hell can’t stop it. Flushed feelings aren’t something I can choose!” He sighed; it was strangled, and hinted at the tears welling in his eyes. The expression Kar wore, he knew what that was. He knew it so well; he’d seen it so many times before… So why did it hurt so much this time? “I can’t change it… I just… Kar, I fuckin’ love you.” Eridan bit his lip, knowing exactly what was coming. Why did he even try?

    “Fuck, Eridan.” Karkat inhaled sharply after the confession, he had known Eridan had felt this way, even if he only acknowledged it in subconscious thought. But… what did this particular seadweller mean to him? It frustrated him, he was the romance KING and he couldn’t even muster enough of his knowledge and logic to reply properly. Although… He had felt something stir in his chest; he felt something warm blossom in his guts after the other trolls words slipped from his lips. The raw emotion in what Eridan said turned his knees to jelly and numbed his entire body, and the more he thought about it the worse it got. He knew what this was...

  What if… What if he felt the same?

  No, no that wasn’t possible. No one could love Eridan…right? “I don’t know how to respond to this shit.” He fisted his hands in his hair in some dramatically frustrated way before throwing them back out to his sides, glaring up at the troll in front of him with heated but soft eyes. “Just…get out. I need to fucking think Gog damn it.”

  “Just…get out.”

Those exact words were replaying over and over in his mind, the look in Kar’s eyes when he said them made him feel like a cold hand reached inside his chest and squeezed his heart.

 He wish he knew just how much more this rejection would hurt, how it’d continue in his head, taunting him, teasing him. How it wouldn’t let him forget for one god damned second that Kar was all he had left, and that by taking this plunge would crush his entire world. He knew this now of course, looking down at the blade he had pulled from his culinary block. He… He knew it was going to hurt, but he deserved it. That was a fact that he himself, and everyone in his fucking session knew. Whatever happened to him, it was his fault, he deserved it, it was coming to him. It all was. It always was.

This was what he told himself as he drew the first cut, watching that royal purple well from the slit and drip onto the sand beneath his feet. The cut stung, reminding him that he wasn’t worth anything as he drew another, a deeper one. The ice-cold blood seeping from his wrist soothed him, dulling the sharpness of his thoughts, the sounds faded until there was no noise aside from the weak beating of his heart and the gentle ebb and flow of the waves, it was… peaceful.

Seconds passed… Maybe minutes before he crippled to the ground, blood loss completely numbing his senses as he lay there.

 It was so peaceful.

He was vaguely aware of the pattering of footsteps on sand and loud panicked shouts, only realizing what those sounds were when Karkat pushed into his view. He was saying something… but the words didn’t reach him. Pink tears were streaming down his face and… and you were grinning, just slightly.

God…