Lost...

Have you ever had a toy that was once brand new, you played with it, it smelled fresh, looked new, clean. Over the years it may have broken a part or two, but you managed to fix it back together. It functions sort of like it used to. But as the years go on the parts do not move as good, if at all. Its color is dull. You can smell its age. You know its time to give it up. The times when you threw it in the back seat of the car during vacation, when you tossed it around in your backpack when you brought it to school. The time when it was thrown in your toy chest with the other toys. The times you lost it under the bed. The time your dog got ahold of it and damaged a piece of it. It’s worn now. It’s tired. It’s phased out.

So the first husband refused to have kids with me (despite having 3 that I accepted), the second husband wants to give me kids but our relationship is becoming strained due to his frequent complaints of what “I did” or what “I said” , coupled with the silent treatments for what he believes I’ve done or said to hurt his feelings or what he didn’t like - and it’s draining me. I hear more of what is wrong than what I do right. He then gets so in his feelings that he displays the don’t care attitude. NOW I AM drifting away. AND despite us trying, still no baby. 

Maybe God is trying to tell me something I am too afraid to hear and to afraid to accept?

I don’t have many years left before the ol’ pause drops at my doorstep. Talk about confused -

Talk about lost -

Can I just make all this go away?

No one to vent to -