* RUMINATIONS

truthfully, jade is a little jealous. of all the things she'd left home with, a compact mirror was not one of them. it would've been helpful to have in the last couple months, but she'd learned quickly to live without one. vanity was the least of her worries now, despite how much she cared for it before. still, watching ender pull one out - even if it is cracked - makes her wish she'd stuffed her purse just a little fuller that fateful day.

" you look beautiful, " jade replies earnestly. she does a once over of ender's face, then her gaze falls over her hair before landing back to her mouth - assessing the lipstick situation.

𝐓𝐇𝐄   𝐂𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐂   𝐈𝐒𝐍'𝐓   𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄   𝐒𝐇𝐄   𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃   𝐁𝐄.   gentle   footsteps   across   scuffed   up   floorboards   ,      the   fingers   that   habitually   tap   tap   tap   away   at   the   insides   of   her   arms.   (   curiosity   eating   away   at   her   wandering   thoughts   ⸻   the   world   outside   colony   house   beckon   beckon   beckoning   her   ever   closer.   )   she's   been   cooped   up   for   days   now   ,      living   only   within   the   reach   of   her   siblings   ,      out   of   fear   ,      out   of   desperation.   it's   only   fair   that   the   terror   has   slowly   begun   to   subside.   not   yet   gone   ,      not   by   any   means   ,      but   making   way   for   the   undeniable   boredom   that   only   a   repetitive   cycle   could   cause.   so   she   shouldn't   be   here   ,      this   clinic   ,      but   where   else   is   a   nurse   meant   to   be   ?

there is a groan, and an unintelligible mumble, that he gives at the sound of sav's voice. her easy going banter allows him just another moment of shut eye, only because he knows that there is no trouble if she is speaking to him so quietly. xander opens an eye to look at her, raising a brow ever so slightly before he shakes his head.

" don't tell my boss, " he whispers, though now he is beginning to stir as he rises from his resting position. the clinic is hot, and he can feel his hair sticking to his forehead. normally, it would put him in a bad mood - being slick with sweat - but it is hard to frown in the younger girls presence.

" thank you, " he replies automatically. xander sits up slowly, rubbing tired eyes with his knuckles as he does his best to shake the grogginess that never seems to leave him. his eyes fall to the basket that she drops onto the counter, and surprise takes over his features for only a brief moment. clearly, he had not taken in a word she'd said. had he already said thank you ? ( he had ).

" i feel like shit, " he says, shifting his gaze to meet hers. " honestly. " there's a groan as he stands, and xander makes his way over to her with slow steps. peering into the basket, he takes note of the contents and rifles through them briefly before offering valeria a gentle smile.

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. olivia mumbles over and over again, hand holding a cloth over the other in an attempt to keep her new cut somewhat clean ( one more to what is, without a doubt, a growing collection of more evidence of her clumsiness ). with quick and purposeful steps, she heads from the barn to the clinic.

olivia calls out when she enters the clinic, coming across a resting soul. hand still clinging to the wound, she wears an apologetic look on her face. "hi, sorry," olivia starts to talk as she takes a few more hesitant steps, "i got a cut. i just ⸻ the fence did it. well, i did it, i guess, on the fence." a small chuckle, shaking her head soon after. "i just want to know if it needs a few stitches or not."

xander is awake almost immediately. he jumps up from his sleeping position and is in full swing by the time he reaches olivia. though he hated the tireless hours he worked in the emergency ward back home, having this single moment that took him back to those days of running around hospitals reinvigorates him with life. sometimes, after being here for so long, he forgets that he is trying to go back home. it leaves him compliant with the situation he's been put in - and he hates that.

" you're silly, " xander mumbles, taking a gentle hold of olivia's hand as he inspects the wound. he knows her to be clumsy, though it never fails to surprise him when she walks through the doors. " why were you fighting with the fence ? " he asks, lifting the cloth to further examine her cut.

More importantly, another person she loved was now missing. A little voice in the back of her head reassured her he was dead, but she wanted to believe otherwise. Cade would have believed otherwise... wherever in the world he may have been. Yet, he was not here, and neither was Xander for comfort and reassurance.

Her footsteps echo loudly within the rundown building, emerald orbs bouncing from place to place as she took in her surroundings. Then, her gaze settles on a figure slumped over a desk. Typical doctor, she thinks, and for a moment she's reminded of her brother's sleepless nights.

"You must be the doctor... judging from the white coat." She can feel her breathing slow as she processes the image in front of her, and for a moment she's unsure of what to say next. Xander was dead, and yet here stood a man with an uncanny resemblance to him. Even their voices sounded the same. Her fingers curl into her palm, teeth clenched. "U-um... anyway, it seems quite clear that I'm suffering from hallucinations, so... I-I came to get checked out."

" yes, i'm the doctor, " xander replies automatically, a simple reaction of his from years and years of answering the same question day in and day out. he straightens and runs a hand through his hair, inhaling deeply as he does his best to look as awake as possible - as if he hadn't just been dreaming before they'd entered.

when he looks up to meet her gaze he stills. his body freezes on it's own, heart roaring loud in his ears. his mouth hangs agape at the sight of her, so identical to the picture he has tucked away in his wallet that sits just inside his back pocket. he is dreaming, surely. he is almost certain of it. it is one of the brain's cruel tricks, a dream so real that one can only wake up with tears and a fistful of a blanket.

" zel, " he whispers, a nickname he'd always called her since the early stages of their childhood ( as if her name couldn't get any shorter ). " you shouldn't be here, " xander shakes his head. he reaches forward with a tentative hand to stroke her cheek, and when his thumb presses against the soft warmth of her skin his breath hitches.

this is real.

dread dawns down upon him and he feels as though he will sink into the earth itself. he had prayed night after night that she would never see the tree. no matter how much he wanted to be with her again, he had begged god himself to let it not be here. now they were both stuck in hell.

xander takes a moment to mull over what she says. his back straightens as he turns to glance at the locked medicine cabinet that they have in the clinic - every bottle and pill counted for. then, with a quiet exhale, he turns back to regard his company. this moment, although so small and insignificant in his long line of work, takes him back to the emergency ward. even if only for a moment. delivering bad news is not his forte.

" i can't give you anything, " he replies, voice gentle. he understands her state of mind. he'd been driven nearly to the brink of psychosis upon first finding himself here ( he doesn't even want to think about the first night ). " i'm sorry. "

" our medication is for emergencies only. we have so little, i'm sure you understand the need for rationing, " xander explains, but to him it feels like pulling the words through gritted teeth. he'd always made the nurses do this part.

Joe’s world - such as it was - was pretty small. When he’d first arrived, he’d spent a good sixth months sticking his nose into every corner of the town (and colony, though that was harder to pull off) that he could find. Since settling down and falling into a rhythm - farm, barn, diner, stones, the brundle, church - everything else felt immaterial. Like the fake building fronts in old Western movies.

But no one in town was self-sufficient, not really. They relied on each other, an invisible web of need that strung between each sagging location. That was why Joe had begrudgingly agreed to head up to the clinic for bandages. Someone (not him) had managed to step on the wrong side of a rake, and someone (again, not him) had slapped his forehead hard enough to split the skin. Aside from the dull headache and the overall sense of idiocy that pervaded every thought, Joe was fine. Dandy, even.

The clinic was cool as a pond after the incessant sun outside. After his eyes adjusted, Joe’s boots squeaked on the linoleum as he ventured across the foyer. A nearby groan made him stop and, after a somewhat comedic double take, he noticed someone sprawled out on a cot.

“Oh, uh.” Who was the dude, like, talking to? Frowning, Joe pointed at himself in silent answer to his own question. “D’you mean... Are you OK, man?” He squeaked closer, his head pounding with every movement. 

xander rubs tired eyes with his palms, doing his best to seem put together despite having just been caught sleeping. it's a reaction that he can't shake from his past life, where he'd spent 14 hours on his feet running around the emergency ward and begging to the god's for a break. he forget's, sometimes, that this life now is different. even after being here for so long, surrounded by all of these people, it is hard to forget so much of his normal life.

he want's to say ' a perc, ' but if anyone should be getting that for anyone it's xander himself.

" no, no, i'm fine, " he's not, but he's not about to devulge his entire life story. if anything, being fine might be the rarity in the town.

but, eventually, through the clinic doors remy walked and went towards where she knew xander would be but as soon she was about to knock, remy saw stopped herself, seeing him asleep. remy waited a few moments, looking around; contemplating whatever or not to go see the patience herself but instead she tapped against the door again. "xander? sorry to wake you up, i need updates on the patients if you can. are you okay?" she smiled.

" no, " he says, waving a hand dismissively. " it's fine. i shouldn't be sleeping on the job, anyway. don't tell my boss, " xander jokes, though the delivery is a little off. his tone is dry, but in his mind he's certain that he's just landed the best punchline.

he sits upright, glancing over his shoulder and towards his patients. everyone is asleep or busying themselves, and for that he is thankful. the atmosphere, despite their circumstances, is surprisingly much more lax than what he's used to in the real world.

" everyone's stable. looking good, no casualties to report, " he replies, offering remy a slight smile. " and i'm alright. tired, " xander shrugs, though a finger comes up to rub at his temple. " i'll be okay, " deflecting, a wonderful trait of his.

he's still collecting himself when he finally hears what fae is saying, grogginess apparent as he sits upright and runs a hand through tousled hair. when he looks at her there is an obvious sense of endearment that overcomes him. her presence alone is enough to uplift his terrible mood - headache already forgotten.

" thank you, " he says, gaze falling to the plate. something inside of him stirs, though he isn't sure if it's his stomach or something else entirely. " i appreciate it, " and he does, truly. where would he be without her help ? starved, that's for certain.

" a sleep over ? " xander asks, eyebrows raising. he's grinning already at the thought of it, the two of them huddled together in a sleeping bag like they're ten years old. " sure. it'll be the first one i've ever had in my life, " he chuckles. " no pressure. "

xander's eyes move to cade's hand, though the younger boy doesn't seem to offer it up for examination. instead, he can see his fingers working quickly to undo the shoelace that hangs around his hips, and before xander can open his mouth to protest his jeans are already dropping.

he'd been so certain that he'd come in to complain about his hand, which no doubt had stitches that were beginning to come loose, if he knew the boy any better. xander hadn't been expecting this - but then again, it is cade's sole presence that keeps the clinic alive. the insanity that comes along with taking care of him keeps xander's mind youthful. at least, that's what he says to himself.