always an angel, never a god

it felt like there was nowhere left to run to, nothing beyond the gates but danger and the remnants of lives they’ll never go back to, but even that knowledge never fully quelled the urge to travel, to skip town and never look back. she’d done it before, escaped the new york qz and gotten this far, but all she’d ended up with were four dead friends and an empty backpack to show for it. so she stayed put, despite the burning in her chest, the tingling in her muscles. she usually made her restlessness someone else’s problem, seeking out someone to irritate or have a bit of fun with, whatever they were receptive too. if she were lucky, often she found both in the same person, and nowadays that tended to be quinn. they were often easy to find and even easier to annoy, a dangerous combination when rowan was bored and actively looking for problems. and so she was delighted to find them perched on the stairs, immediately making herself comfortable a few steps lower, leaning back so she can aim a cocky grin in their direction, ❝ not trying to hide from me, are you ?? cause i’m sure there are much more comfortable spots. ❞

the surface is cold, the cool metal of the table giving the scavenger a moment of reprieve from the hot weather outside. berlin seemed relaxed, with their arm sliding behind them to catch some of their weight whilst they leaned back: but the scavenger was far from. they'd agreed to pair up with rowan for a brief look around, coming in case the people before them had missed anything. it was unlikely, the path having been walked again and again, but she was hardly what one would call acclimated to the life behind walls. she'd take the chance to leave whenever she could. " so how do you guys decide where to go to next? do you spin a bottle and just go in whatever direction it points to? "

it was hard not to feel tense whenever she left novac, the threat of danger lurking around every corner. especially now that she was paired with a scavenger instead of one of her fellow scouts, not knowing if she could trust the other to fully have her back if they came across any infected. but she’d walked this route herself just a few days prior, so she’d agreed to go out based on the promise of an easy patrol. ❝ nah, nothing that spontaneous, unfortunately. there’s a schedule we follow, making sure to rotate the routes so we cover ground consistently and nowhere gets missed off. ❞ she crouched down to rifle through a cupboard, finding nothing but crockery, ❝ there’s nothing useful in here, let’s head down a floor ?? ❞

her head continuously nodded, soaking up each and every syllable. maiya was no fool, but her technique certainly needed tightening. if only she could switch her emotional dial down, fight as though it wasn't herself in her body. those flashes of her sisters hit her whenever the battle grew thickest. "i can do that. move quickly, silently, keep myself hidden... it's never a good idea moving on your own, either." she wished mina could be as gentle as rowan was. tough love was welcomed, but her roommate seemed to give for the throat and shake. the raised scar on her bicep was testament to the roughness of her training partner. "i can't say i have. used a bow before. they seem clunky." fingers flexed, savouring the filigree patterning of her knife hilt. she wanted to feel the ooze of their blood, hear the hiss of spores as they fell; in maiya's mind, vengeance took precedence over survival. "but i could try it as a backup, at least. i know i'm good with knives, but i could do with a little more range. some momentum."

rowan had never been a particularly patient person. and though she thought this might have gotten worse with the apocalypse, with time feeling more precious and fleeting, she was surprised that the opposite had happened; she learned to approach situations and infected with more stealth and precision, her time in novac mellowing her even further, now she has a roof over her head and the time for yoga and meditation. ❝ that’s your best bet, always have someone to cover your back. ❞ it caused a pang in her chest, to remember the family she’d found in the circus and watched die one by one until she was the only one left, riding into texas alone. ❝ you should try one, i can sign you one out for a bit. i think you might do well with it, you can maintain your distance and stay in stealth. only get close if you have to. ❞

"maybe not. could always make solar powered chargers, if you had the right materials." something his dad taught -- could charge pretty much anything with the sun, given the right conditions and having the right stuff. the idea is near futile, but there's still hope. "dunno. rocks can be pretty useful." mostly for attacking enemies with, but useful all the same. teagan just likes the way they look. the different types and all that. "i mean. not really?" shrugs. "don't think girls would like rocks, much."

a single eyebrow raised, ❝ how come you’re after a charger then, if you’re so sure you can make a solar powered one ?? ❞ rowan had never been particularly handy, she got by on wit and cunning more than she did actual survival skills, but she was sure it couldn’t be as easy as he was making it sound. ❝ but they’re also pretty abundant. unless we’re talking crystals, i’ve lost interest. ❞

“jeez, the poor bastard. i wouldn’t even want to imagine realising i’d left something like that behind.” but, of course, it was finders keepers, especially in times like this, and if some fool was unfortunate enough to leave a working ipod and a functioning charger behind, they deserved to have it be gone by the time they got back for it, if they chose to venture back at all, which most wouldn’t. “nothing worth an ipod and a charger. a few wallets, not with much in - and money’s worth nothing now anyway.”

❝ finders keepers though, right ?? ❞ she turned the ipod over in her hands, wondering for a moment who might have left it behind, ❝ maybe i improved their chances, wouldn’t be able to hear anything coming with headphones in. ❞ rowan slipped it back into her back pocket, holding out for a better offer, ❝ ah well, maybe you’ll find something on your next trip out, if i haven’t shifted it yet. bet you’ll head out the same way ?? ❞

rowan groaned, ❝ considering anything to be ‘slightly worn’ this far into the fucking apocalypse seems … generous, at best. ❞ a lot of rowan’s own clothes had been patched up so many times she wasn’t even sure how much of the original material remained. she had never been one for material possessions, but she missed the bright colours she’d once worn, the gaudy sweaters and fun earrings she’d left behind. ❝ have you ever seen him work ?? ‘cause if i’d known drinking all day was an option here i think i’d have way fewer scars. probably sleep better at night too. ❞ she glanced back over her shoulder at him, any pity she might have felt for him completely overshadowed by disgust, ❝ at least a skeleton would be cool. like a fully articulated pigeon ?? i’d love that, it’d have pride of place on my windowsill. but nah, it looked like some sort of roadkill. i know animals don’t get infected, but that thing looked ready to start a whole new outbreak. ❞

kaleo  blinks,  his  brain  belatedly  putting  two-and-two  together  as  he  realizes  who  exactly  has  come  to  bother  him.  he  deflates  a  little,  then,  lips  pressing  into  a  tight  line  as  he  looks  back  at  the  horse,  who's  clearly  happier  to  see  her  than  him.   "  got  it,  "    he  mutters  under  his  breath,  setting  his  tools  down  &  tossing  the  rag  in  his  hand  onto  his  workbench.   "  sorry.  i  —  it's  been  a  day. "    he  waves  a  hand  dismissively,  unwilling  to  get  into  the  grit  of  it,  before  moving  to  untether  the  horse  from  his  post.   "  he  yours,  then?  "    he  asks  over  his  shoulder.   "  he's  a  gem,  y'know.  least  fussy  horse  i've  ever  worked  on.  takes  new  shoes  like  a  champ. "

rowan stepped further into the stables, reaching to pat the neck of her horse affectionately. she had never really been one for animals, she’d never begged her parents for a pet when she was younger, always considered them more hassle and work than they were worth, but she respected and admired her horse enough that it had become something akin to fondness, or at least as close as she figured she could get. ❝ you’re grand, it’s always been a day around here. ❞ she purposely didn’t ask, never wanting to have to think too deeply about the shit they’d all been through, but most importantly never wanting to take on anyone else’s trauma when she was so busy trying not to process her own. ❝ oh, torin here ?? yeah, he and i go way back. ❞ a rare bought of homesickness had inspired her to give him a strong irish name, ironic when she had so pointedly dropped her own. ❝ i’m glad he gives you no trouble. do you get hazard pay for getting kicked in the face ?? ❞

rowan loved lying. not always in a harmful way, but she loved embellishing the truth ( or twisting it entirely ) for the sake of making a story more interesting. it was hard to do so, however, with someone who would easily be able to see through it, another scout who regularly had to trust rowan with her life and vice versa. ❝ maybe it was, i’ve always been the more observant one, ❞ she said with a wink, matching the teasing tone that rian spoke with. it was broken immediately with a laugh, ❝ nah, it was when i went out west this morning, had to fend three runners off to get to it. ❞ rowan considered the proposition; reaching into her pocket for the device so that she could turn it on, ❝ as romantic as it would be to share earbuds, whoever left this behind has shit taste, ❞ she tilted the screen so that rian could see it, ❝ it’s all white american dad music, even by pre-apocalypse standards. we’re better palming it off on someone else for something we’ll actually enjoy. ❞

❝ basic rules are all you need to get started. ❞ rowan pulled the pack of cards out of her back pocket, tapping the box against her palm. the corners were worn, even slightly charred, but they were perfectly useable besides. ❝ it's been a while since i've played anyway, i'll be rusty. ❞ card games had been a staple of evenings with the circus troupe, decks borrowed from magicians once they’d been checked over for any trickery. it made her nostalgic for simpler, more hopeful times, though she tried never to dwell on that too much. ❝ homeschooled ?? ❞ rowan winced, ❝ luckily my mam always wanted us out the house as much as possible, so i dodged that bullet. ❞ her head tilted, curiosity piqued, ❝ what kind of science ?? ❞

JODIE COMER Noble Panacea, September 2023

— Vladimir Nabokov, Letters to Véra

zion.moreno: 🖤