also today i was walking my dog and some old dude, in southern fashion, stopped to talk to me about her for a solid 5 minutes and at one point she started barking at something and i said sorry she’s so loud and he said to me “aw that’s alright. she’s a coonhound so she’s got lungs fit to blow the trumpets at rapture” and then chortled as though he hadn’t just spit the southern equivalent of shakespearean improv at me on the street

fuck them men

for sale: baby shoes never worn. kid was born bigger than anticipated. absolutely jacked. real renaissance man.

Avengers: Endgame (2019)

sex is cool but have you heard Mr Brightside drunk at 2am because that is true bliss

@wthtee I’m Bryce

me trying to get comfortable in my covers at night

I JUST CHECKED THIS IS REAL IM SCREAMING

i always thought of a king sized bed as being a bit bigger than a queen, but now that i have one, i can tell you that a king sized bed is an absurdity. i can sprawl out, and my husband can sprawl out, and the cat can sprawl out, and none of us are touching. i reach out in the night, and find only pillows and plush walruses. i reach further and eventually find his elbow. he rolls over the comforters to try and find me. “i have crossed oceans of bed to be with you,” he says. there is a vast expanse of bed untouched, unmapped, unexplored. the cat is still trying to sleep on my face.

This is the opposite of a creepypasta

A comfypasta.