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jimmy became saul in order to stay with kim and it KILLS ME

like, throughout the entire show we’ve been seeing jimmy’s longing to become partners with kim, but most of all, professional partners. 

he started it in season 1 with bingo, when he tried to interest kim in going into elder law with him in his fancy new office.

then he takes the job with davis and main against his better interests and instincts, in order to stay with kim, because she won’t go scamming with him every night, and the only chance he has of really spending quality time with her is to work with her.

it’s only when his ability to freely work with kim on his case gets sabotaged that he breaks away from davis and main, and offers to go out on his own as wexler & mcgill. and he’s so desperate for this that when she offers the imperfect solution of wexler AND mcgill, he jumps for it.

when kim’s stake in their quasi-partnership is threatened, he goes straight to his scammer instinct and not just sabotages chuck, but hurts him in the way that cuts chuck the worst (because siblings always know how to hurt you the most).

and think about how much being co-counsel with kim must mean to jimmy. but the fact is, it’s his own trial, so the conditions are ruined from the start. he has to salvage this somehow, but with a 12-month suspension, how is he going to keep up the partnership he’s spent so long trying to achieve?

giving up the office means giving up the very thing that ties the two of them together in jimmy’s mind. the shared office space is EVERYTHING to jimmy, and he’s going to do whatever it takes to keep it… but he’s going to lose kim in the process.

and all of this could have been overcome if 1. kim had not been so hyperfocused on work and professional success (yeah, I’m going for Kim’s Fatal Flaw here even if as far as sin goes it is minor compared to jimmy’s), and if 2) jimmy didn’t think that the only way he can be worthy of kim is on a professional level. she’s signaled to him that his professional success has nothing to do with her love for him, but he can’t bring himself to understand that his is not a rejection of him as a person. he wants to do the thing he loves most with her, and what he loves most is wheeling, dealing and convincing. he does this as a lawyer and a scammer, and the only way she can accept him and keep her job is if he does it only as a lawyer.

BUT HE WANTS KIM TO BE HIS NEW MARCO. AND SHE CAN’T BE HIS MARCO.

like, i fantasize about a universe where mcwexler actually works, and it’s a universe where kim is able to take a step back from her job and success in order to spend quality time with jimmy that doesn’t have to do with work. but more, it’s a universe where jimmy lets go of the idea that he has to be A Successful Lawyer in order to be with kim in any way, and embarks on entrepreneurship with kim supporting him financially and emotionally until he gets on his feet.

I thought of their unfathomable distance, and the slow inevitable drift of their movements out of the unknown past into the unknown future.

The last shared scene where Kim sees Jimmy — his real self — is their breakup. It’s painful because he is completely open and vulnerable in front of her. His heart is entirely exposed, and yet it still isn’t enough. He still loses her.

And then the grief never really comes. Jimmy isn’t someone who knows how to process sadness, how to properly mourn… so he hides completely inside Saul. Not just in moments where it’s useful, not just when he needs to perform for others. It becomes a full replacement of himself. He retreats into the shell of someone who doesn’t attach, someone who cannot lose, someone who only cares about material things because those things cannot hurt him again.

Then comes the divorce papers scene. Before Kim arrives, we briefly see Jimmy alone with the papers, and he clearly isn’t okay. And then, before she even walks in, he puts the mask on. When she enters, he barely acknowledges her, still playing on his phone as if none of it really matters.

Once she hands them to him, he puts his phone down and even gives the table a small theatrical double tap, a kind of “alright, let’s do this.” But when he actually holds the documents, you might notice his hands trembling slightly. He starts flipping through the pages and moving them around more than necessary, almost like he’s trying to bury the shaking inside the motion so it won’t be obvious to her. And then the performance returns, the casual tone and the “I’m totally fine” act. Not out of disrespect, but because if he dropped it, it would reveal how much it actually hurts.

The last shared scene where Kim sees Jimmy — his real self — is their breakup. It’s painful because he is completely open and vulnerable in front of her. His heart is entirely exposed, and yet it still isn’t enough. He still loses her.

And then the grief never really comes. Jimmy isn’t someone who knows how to process sadness, how to properly mourn… so he hides completely inside Saul. Not just in moments where it’s useful, not just when he needs to perform for others. It becomes a full replacement of himself. He retreats into the shell of someone who doesn’t attach, someone who cannot lose, someone who only cares about material things because those things cannot hurt him again.

Then comes the divorce papers scene. Before Kim arrives, we briefly see Jimmy alone with the papers, and he clearly isn’t okay. And then, before she even walks in, he puts the mask on. When she enters, he barely acknowledges her, still playing on his phone as if none of it really matters.

Once she hands them to him, he puts his phone down and even gives the table a small theatrical double tap, a kind of “alright, let’s do this.” But when he actually holds the documents, you might notice his hands trembling slightly. He starts flipping through the pages and moving them around more than necessary, almost like he’s trying to bury the shaking inside the motion so it won’t be obvious to her. And then the performance returns, the casual tone and the “I’m totally fine” act. Not out of disrespect, but because if he dropped it, it would reveal how much it actually hurts.

- the fact that they have to be reminded by the officiant to face each other instead of him because they're both lawyers and are used to facing the judge's bench whenever they're in a courtroom

- the only person attending the proceedings is a guy who jimmy pays to do crimes for him because neither of them have any real friends. but also he's so invested he's like "Dude you Gotta get her a ring, i'll steal one for you right now" and "aren't you gonna go on a honeymoon??" and "at least let me take some damn pictures for you". love you huell

- them being like "teehee no we didn't do that teehee. we're Different" when asked about the rings and the officiant is just like. Okay.

- the officiant pausing in the middle of reading out the vows just to make a comment about kim not having a middle name??? who does this. and then kim and jimmy just silently laughing together about it like What is this guy's problem

- both of them being unable to stop smiling the entire time and then choking up before saying I Do despite how they've said a million times that it's Just A Legal Arrangement, Nothing Else