Holy

I miss you. I haven't been able to listen to music in the same way anymore. I can't listen to anything with english lyrics. It all just hurts so much. So many songs on fucking repeat bc most of my music brings back the painful memories of when you were still in love with me.

I know it shouldn't be like this. That I need to let go and just let it all fizzle out. But I seriously can't live without you.

It hurts that I know I need to move on, and I can't help but look back at you. I don't understand why this was so easy for you.

I wasn't even given a chance to fix anything. I wasn't given any sort of chance to rectify or fix anything. And I get that I don't deserve to have someone give me any reason. But I just don't understand how easy this was for you.

Hanging out with you hurts so fucking much. I just want to hold you, and kiss you. I want to lay in your arms again with them around me.

The safety I used to feel is just gone. I don't feel any type of security. I feel lost and alone. I just want my life with you back. And I hate that I can't even get a straight answer from you.

I'm afraid to press, bc I'm afraid of the answer of rejection I might get. But I'm also scared to back off, because I'm afraid to see you actually move on. I don't want to be the only option, but I'm scared to see you look at another option.

Everything feel broken and messed up to me.

I try to do things that will help me move on, help me learn to be my own person again. But literally everything in my world is connected to you. It hurts. Every single thing I do links back to you.

I can't even work without seeing our old house. I don't know how much more I can hold on without you. You were my whole world, and you just ripped it all from me with no warning. How was that so easy for you?

I love you so badly that every single minute of my day is still being spent on you. I've never felt this way about someone. I've never been this hung up.

2:52am

I feel like I keep doing reckless things. Like, the impulsivity is slipping out slowly and I can't get myself to stop. Like I feel like I'm putting myself in danger because I don't know how to exist in a space where I allow myself to feel okay.

I really want to know why I'm able to sit here and think about stuff like that so easily, but when it comes time to put it into practice, it's almost like it's not something that ever comes to mind first.

Which brings me to the fact that I think I need to step away from video games and anime for a while. Not that I think anything is wrong with it, but I do know I have a habit of being obsessed with something, and completely neglecting what I need to do as a grown up.

I know I've been slacking at work. And I hate to say it's because superficial reasons, but I just feel like I'm slowly slipping into a weird stupor where I don't feel anything. I'm not quite sure how to explain it other than, searching for stimulation? I don't know, it's almost like I want something to blow up.

Which in hindsight I really don't ya know? But I just don't know how to stick to what I want to do. It's like it's so easy for me to know how to, but I'm too scared-- not even scared tbh, I just feel like I can't start anything. It's frustrating as fuck, and I feel like a lot of issues I need to work on, stem from that one thing.

12 pm

have work today at 3pm. I work up around... hmmm... 10:30? At least, I completely got out of bed at 10:30. I was technically up at like, 8am puking my guts out. I think it was because I gorged myself with half a bag of goldfish before I passed out.

I wouldn't say I'm excited for work? More, I like actually making money and being able to save and do what I want with it. I feel like I've become more fiscally responsible.

My trip to C was honestly super fun. M was super anxious, and going through boy problems. I honestly felt like I got blind-sided. But I love that idiot so I just can let it go. I felt some type of what when I heard they got their first matching tattoo with someone, and it wasn't me, but to be fair, we've had plenty of times to get them. And I know I'm the best out of all the friends. So I decided to let it go because it's not really something to give any attention to. I decided that bridge can just be moved past.

I want to start making small changes to my routines so I can be more helpful to the community. I think this weekend I'm going to plant my garden. I need to borrow mom's gardening things. I'm kind of excited because I saw on the tv, the story of this lady who uses her garden to feed the community. I would love to grow vegetables and other foods, and be able to donate it! And if I grew flowers, I could give them to nursing homes to help brighten up the place! I feel like maybe if I can get a hobby that requires me to focus on a positive aspect, I can maybe train myself to sort of slow down.

I had a __s and honestly it was lame. It just hurt. It's definitely not my thing. I felt like nothing changed. So I'm not gonna do that anymore.

I really hate that it's still affecting me so much. The breakup. Like, I get it, it's only been like, a month or so. But I just still feel like I have a huge hole that's dripping blood. I know it's super cliched to be like, "oh I'm never gonna date again," but like truly, after this emotional scarring I was inflicted with, it feels like it goes past my apathy, and beyond me being just jaded. After this, I really don't find the idea of a relationship, or anyone physically touching me for that matter, appealing. Like, I genuinely don't want to date anyone else. She was everything to me and I just feel like if I can't have her, I'm not sure if I really want anyone else lmfao. She was literally my whole heart, who I thought I was gonna spend my life with.

It really sucks tbh. I feel like my whole life was just uprooted. I'm not sure exactly what to do. I have all these small goals/ things I want to do, but I feel like I'm on shaky ground, and I'm not 100 sure where to take my next step. I know this is something to discuss with my therapist, but I want to be able to make these decisions myself eventually.

I feel like I'm stuck halfway between old bad habits, and growing up massively. It's like, I can hold myself back from impulsivity, but I feel like I'm restless. A friend told me that maybe I'm not used to being in control, so I don't know how to be okay. And that honestly hits a little bit because I really don't know how to slow down. I am constantly in fight or flight mode, so I don't think I feel comfortable with "being okay." Which of course, just seems like something that I need to practice. I'm thinking about maybe secluding myself and working on myself as a person, without outside interference. Like, I want to become informed, and helpful. Good habits. I want to get back into practicing magick more. I was in such a good place when I was practicing and learning all the time. I hate that I feel like I'm wasting time if I study. I need to learn to balance reading, watching anime, and playing video games, with more healthy habits. Maybe I'll make a chart.