that's mister volcel to you

when i was like 8 my mom babysat her friends kid who was a 9ish year old girl, she introduced me to sex by like cuddling naked with me and peeing in cups or whatever and i was immediately hypersexual. i could not get enough of it. when my parents found out, they gave me a frankly inadequate sex ed book and we werent allowed to see eachother anymore. it was devastating.

a little later, maybe 9 or 10 an older boy i was friends with introdced me to hentai and i quickly found loli and got obsessed with it. dunno if i was identifying with the girls in it or what, it was just the Thing that i wanted to look at. i got even more hypersexual as time went on and i started sexually harrassing my peers without knowing what i was doing or why just that i knew i wanted to be close to people and desperately wanted touch.

when i was around 12 i somehow got into my head the idea that an 8 year old girl i was friends with had a crush on me. i molested her. i was arrested.

i spent a week in "juvenile detention", a kids jail where each kid has their own cell with a big steel door and a toilet the guards could see you using through the window in the door. they strip searched me. i was too scared to use the toilet and i wet myself in "class" (useless self directed busy work they had us do so they couldnt be like, sued or whatever for not letting us do schoolwork). humiliating, obviously.

i was put on probation but i wasnt allowed to go home because i have younger brothers. my parents found friends of family who were willing to take me. my probation officer had me take polygraph tests to make sure i wasnt re-offending. nearly all of my results were inconclusive because polygraphs are fucking fake.

eventually i got to go home but was still on probation, i dont remember specifics of it very well. all i remember is that i was, under the terms of my probation, forbidden from accessing pornography. i was a hypersexual child and i accessed pornography. i knew i had a polygraph at the end of the year and simply resolved to kill myself before it happened so i wouldnt have to go back to juvie. i was unable to do this. since then i have not gone a single day without suicidal thoughts. i was 13 at this point

i remember once my probation officer gave me a homework assignment to write some essay about accountability or some shit and i forgot to do it. he confronted me and said i couldnt have forgotten because it was too important. i started crying and he accused me of fake crying

i lied on the polygraph, the result was that i lied, they immediately took me to juvie again. they ruled i had to go to an in-patient therapy program rather than the outpatient they had me doing before. however, because i had failed a polygraph, all the places they tried to put me in rejected me for being a liar.

the detention facility i was in was legally only allowed to keep children in for 2 weeks, presumably to prevent trauma? i guess? i was in there for 4 months. in that time, during one of my court visits, my dad got so upset at me not being allowed to come home he hugged me out of fear. this was not allowed, and they "had to" strip search me when they took me back to detention because of it.

after that 4 months they finally found a place that would take me, if reluctantly. it was a proctor care day treatment center called counterpoint, essentially a charter school with group therapy and an in house group of foster care providers. my foster dads (bunch of gay couples in the child sex offender foster program, go figure) treated me like a threat. i once had my window open at night because it was unbearably hot and my foster dad accused me of watching the neighbor girls changing through the window.

the only person who gave me any compassion at that program was my assigned personal therapist. she was just out of school and clearly out of her depth. the program had us write new safety plans like, weekly, and mine were often just "scream internally that i dont want to be a monster when i have sexual thoughts about kids." i was 15 at this point.

this is the enviroment i came out as trans in. to this day i dont know what drove me to do it, or how i even learned what the word transgender meant. id had fantasies about being a girl for years though.

they did not let me change my name in treatment, because of "policy" or whatever. they left the issue of medical transition to my parents, who are mercifully compassionate and did everything they could to keep me happy.

my foster dad was not okay with this. i once wore a purse my mom bought me on an outing and afterward he asked me if my therapist had approved that. he thought it was dangerous. i think he, as a gay man providing childcare, was scared of getting hatecrimed.

i then bounced around a bunch of different foster parents within the program. i attempted suicide via plastic bag suffocation because i was understandably unhappy. i felt the foster parents they put me with did not care about me. when i did that they put me back in juvie for a weekend because they didnt have another foster family available to take me at the time.

the therapy consisted of a lot of dialectical behavioral therapy and "empathy" work that was just kind of telling us to feel feelings about what we did in a big long structured process.

i still had to take polygraph tests, and all of the tests i took came back inconclusive. my probation officer said if i didnt pass theyd have to transfer me to the oregon youth authority, where things would be worse for me. they did do that. my new probation officer was nice to me.

when i "graduated" i felt that it was good that i had gone there. id learned how not to be a terrible monster. id learned how not to have sexual thoughts about children, by mentally flagellating myself.

eventually i had my final polygraph test before being let off probation. it was inconclusive. my parents very worriedly asked what was next. my OYA probation officer said: nothing, im off probation now. the juvenile justice department probation officer i had was a fucking evil peice of shit named joe krug and i hope he dies in a fire knowing all the harm hes done.

i am now 30 years old. i have gone through many phases of shame and acceptance about my pedophilia. i believe i have reached a point where now i am okay with having an attraction to children and i mostly cope by age regressing. i am still suicidal, chronically. i believe that since im a pedophile its not really possible for me to make new friends; the only people who have accepted this about me were friends i had long enough that sunk cost kicked in. ive been on dates with self proclaimed lolicons who were disgusted at my attraction to real kids.

i am a trans woman, and i am a pedophile. i never want to hurt anyone ever again. i have hurt people since then and i know i will continue to hurt people as long as i live because that is part of being human. i am deeply, chronically suicidal. the only reason i am still alive is my fear of pain and lack of access to firearms. if my parents had not held on to me so tightly, given me every resource they could find, i would be dead.

i dont know if i faced transmisogyny as a child before coming out, i certainly did after. today i am terrified of transmisogynists because their go to accusation of pedophilia is simply true in my case and i cannot fight it. i cant be pedojacketed, i am a pedophile. everyone wants to kill me.

i am so scared and i want to die so bad.

sorry for making you read this it is 100% ok to delete i know its not really the kind of thing you were asking for. id like to get my story more out there but its ok if here is not the place. obviously im having some kind of mental health thign happening to me right now. thanks.

first of all, let's get this out of the way: yes, juvenile detention sucks. the foster care system sucks. juvie should be abolished and foster care should be completely overhauled, but is necessary. there's no doubt that the failures of these systems caused anon to worsen. however, I think it's probably a good thing to have a social worker (not probation officer) appointed to children who have caused other children extreme harm or otherwise present very concerning behavior.

two: obviously polygraph tests are idiotic, pseudoscientific bullshit that can't be considered valid in any way. especially when it comes to scared kids. entirely fuck that.

with that said, there is clear failure of anon to learn, improve, and probably even understand the gravity of what she has done to other children. she admits herself that she had hurt more people after the first instance of her sexually abusing a younger child. I assume this means she has sexually abused more children at various ages. I believe this is a fair assumption. she says that and accepts that she will continue to hurt people in ways not elaborated. this is a concerning addition, especially as she identifies as a pedophile and doesn't believe this is anything that needs to be changed.

if you're going to compare getting rid of your pedophilic attraction to conversion therapy, I reject this. there is a world of difference between conversion therapy (which is abusing people in attempt to force them to stop being attracted to the same gender or identify with a gender they think you shouldn't, both of which are things that are entirely harmless, have no bearing on anyone besides yourself and consenting partners, can be completely consensual, healthy, and safe) and therapy to stop being a pedophile, which can be done in a safe therapeutic setting in a healthy and productive manner. this is necessary because an adult can never engage sexually with children without severely hurting and traumatizing them. this is a sexual persuasion that you cannot ever act on if you don't want to hurt someone. (and I really hope you don't) if NOTHING else, for you, you're only going to be torturing yourself with sexual obsessions that are possible to act on, but shouldn't be. it's entirely likely you'll give in to these desires.

she also refused to stop engaging with simulated child pornography throughout her childhood. surely there are better outlets than the thing you are strictly not supposed to engage with, that is clearly causing you to continue sexually fixating on younger kids, and continue to sexually abuse them. I know childhood hypersexuality (which is almost always a trauma response) is very difficult to deal with, but she seems to refuse to accept that this pornography was harmful and that she had caused harm.

I can go into detail about why and how cocsa (child-on-child sexual abuse) is a deeply harmful and traumatizing experience as a victim of it, but this reblog has gone on long enough and I will save that for later.

i just need yall to know that, if you ever message the mods of a reddit, reddit now automatically includes an AI generated summary of your entire post history with whatever message you send. yes it includes extremely personal information. i mod a support group for victims, the AI summary will regularly list out peoples' child abuse histories along with information on shit like them using reddit to seek out extramarital affairs

Hydnellum Peckii