♥Demiliciousss♥

Hello, hello babies.  Whyyy do I always get myself back in these boats where I only see one way to shore, and it’s always abstaining from food, or eating everything in sight and then vomiting it back up again?

Will there ever be a time in my life when I am so secure in my own skin that I don’t feel the need to do this to myself?

I can’t seem to ever get to that place.

I feel disgusted, gross, irritated, mad, angry, just plain livid, and sad. Very, very sad.  I just want to scream but I’m already doing that inside my own head to the point where I don’t think I have the energy to even do it out loud. 

I know it’s not right, I know it’s not healthy, I know it doesn’t help, but it does do one thing - it helps me lose weight and lose it fast.  I know it’s not the right way, but it does work.  And you’ll hear people say that it doesn’t, that it makes your body go into starvation mode - which it does, but that mode causes the body to eat its own fat source for survival - and at this point... I need that, because I can’t lose that fat source any other way!

Is it dangerous? Well, yes.

Is it smart?  Duh, no.  Do I care? Yes. No, I don’t know.

I just want to be thin again, because being over 200lbs isn’t me, and the hormone therapy isn’t working.  Changing my lifestyle and my diet isn’t working.  The medicine isn’t working. Nothing is working.  Workouts hurt my body to do, stretching doesn’t work.  

I’m tired. I’m aggravated at trying for over a year to lose this weight and my body just fights against me.

I wish you knew how your hygiene habits make me feel.

When we moved in together, I was used to cleaning everything because it was MY APARTMENT that you moved into.

But when we both became leaseholders to our first home, I expected that you would step up and do your part.

Instead, what has happened is each month I whine or moan and groan to get your attention about how you leave the house.  I've asked you multiple times each month to help me take care of what we have built here, and each time you say "I will do better, I promise".  That remains to be seen.

I know sometimes I leave dishes in the sink but I always come back later to clean them up.  

I know sometimes I don't clean the cat-box on time, but I always come back and do it.

Each and every time I am the one who puts the dishes in the dishwasher, and empties the clean ones out.  And then puts the new dirty ones in.  I always start it.

Each and every time, I'm the one who asks you to keep your clothes off the counter, off the bookshelf, off the floor, off the furniture, and each and every time you fuss.

I don't want to feel like I have to pick up after you.

My friends and coworkers talk about how their husbands never clean anything or clean up after themselves and how they always do their laundry, fold the clothes, do the dishes, clean up their cans or bottles, pick up their plates, throw out their trash, clean their filth and their bathrooms.

I DON’T WANT THAT LIFE!

And if picking up after you is what our marriage and home life is always going to be about, I'm not sure I want to be with you long term.  

I want an equal partnership, love and happiness.  I don't want to be yelled at for nagging at you and I certainly don't want to pick up after you like a maid.  

Awh!!!  Thank you for telling me, that’s great! I’m so glad I can still lift someone up!  I hate that you hid your name, but I think I know who you are!!!

Let’s talk about Self-Love & Wanting what others Have...

That means we made it to another year yall!

I had my doubts at times that I would see it through in 2019, but here I am all well and good.  Not really “well,” though.  I’ve got to see another gastroenterologist in about six days.  WOOP WOOP!  Nah, not excited.  But at the same time, I am kinda lookin forward to them hopefully putting a stop to all my involuntary vomiting.

I do have to admit, I am really happy that I’m losing weight from the vomiting... But I am not excited that it’s happening this way.  As a recovered bulimic, it makes it really hard to not fall back into those ways when I see the drastic results that are happening from the ulcer.  

Also not looking forward to anyone possibly telling me that the “hiatal hernia” will need to be bonded.  Surgery. WOOHOO! Not.

So, I have a few things lined up this month, but they are supposed to all be in good health.  

I do have to fill you in on my past year.... I rekindled a friendship that I gained in middle school when I was in church, and we fell out of touch years ago during hard times in my life.  Well, we reconnected last December and January so it’s been a year since we’ve been in each others’ life... and SURPRISE!!! He moved here to Nashvegas with me and we are planning a wedding!  

Woop Woop for real this time.

Who missed me???