i could be stronger for you

“Bad dream.” You mumbled, scowl adorning your soft features. James was more than familiar with the bad dreams that inhabited your head many nights, it didn’t make him any more immune to that pout that would always land on your face every time you had the displeasure of informing him, though. The first few times he’d tried to coax the truth out of you, he had always made you feel so guilty about lying, that when you finally told him the real reason for your being up so late (your most embarrassing secret), it was a great relief off your chest. Somehow, saying the night terrors you experienced out loud made them feel less real, and knowing that your roommate would be just down the hall lest anything more drastic happen was a great burden off your shoulders. 

James switched the kettle on, the usual routine slowly falling into place as he opened his arms to you. He could see the fat globs of tears sitting oh so preciously on your waterline; threatening to fall down any time you blinked. It made his heart sink right through his stomach and forced a concerned frown to tense up his face. 

“What should we watch tonight?” He asked as he cradled your head to his chest, rocking you both side to side as his other hand squeezed your back, knowing the pressure of his touch would wordlessly reassure you that he was there, metaphorically and physically. If you weren’t living with the man, forced to see his every side tucked away under boisterous mounds of personality, the softness of his voice might startle you. You knew better than to let it get the best of you.

“Um, I’m not sure…” You were so timid, curled up against him and letting him take the brunt of your weight that his normal want to protect you was tripled tenfold. He knew that when you got so shaken up like this, you found it difficult to talk, and even worse making decisions. By now he knew all your comfort shows anyway, knew your favourite hot drink and ideal sweet treat. 

“Okay, sweetheart, it’s okay.” As the kettle boiled, he gently guided you over to the sofa whilst he fixed you your favoured drink. Picking the telly remote up on the way over, he put two mugs on the coffee table in front of your feet and put a light-hearted show on to help ease your mind of whatever horror had occurred before he could intervene. 

As you sat there, leaning into his side with his arm wrapped around you for good measure, your mind began to drift. Drift away from the bad and focus on James. Since moving in with James, things had gradually transformed into the epitome of a quiet, mundane life. A lot of unspoken moments, learning simultaneously the simplest and deepest parts of each other without even really knowing the most ordinary things. This leads to you asking (rather apprehensively) a question that pulled James out of his little daydream. It was always easy for him to get lost in the contentment he feels tangled up with you, thoughts of married life plaguing his thoughts and tarnishing your innocent friendship.

“What do you do for a job?” You’re embarrassed to ask, but feel even more embarrassed not knowing. It makes you feel so sheepish, how the words come out mumbled against his chest, but if James notices he doesn’t make an effort to bring any attention to it. Instead, he begrudgingly turns his head from the tv screen to look at you, only to find you’re already staring up at his face. The proximity makes a blush bloom over his chest, threatening to rise up his neck as he tries to keep his breathing as steady as it was moments ago. The hand that isn’t wrapped around you goes up to his chin, as he thinks over your question. He supposes that since you had both rushed into living together, desperation getting the better of you both, you had majorly overlooked exchanging pleasantries with one another. 

“I’m sorry, I know it’s super weird and if you’ve already told me I feel really bad about forgetting, but I can’t put my finger on it…” The more you talk, the more heat you can feel residing in your cheeks. You can only hope the dim lights can alter your awkward expression adorning your face, seeing as you can’t bring yourself to do it.

“No, it’s definitely my fault for your not knowing. I could’ve sworn I told you… Honestly, I think it’s kinda funny.” An annoyingly amused smile overtakes him, lips quirked up at the corners and his eyes crinkling with a kind of airy delight that always makes your stomach cramp with joy and head blur with a drunken fuzziness that only he could create.

As you continue to give him your most stern awaiting look, he begins to rub his hand that was wrapped around you up and down your middle, eyes scanning over your face again. 

“I’m a rugby player. Just working with agents at the academy I’m training with for the moment, though I’m hoping to get scouted soon.” That definitely explained the bulk of the man. With his normal comings and goings from the apartment, you had assumed his muscle just came from his being a gym buff. Before your mind could wonder, he interrupted your thoughts with a question of his own.

“Are you a cat or a dog person?” 

The night had gone like this for a while, both openly asking simple questions that came to mind. You weren’t sure if he was intentionally trying to distract you from the earlier shortcomings of the night but either way it was working. By the time your mug was empty and James had answered your rather out of pocket ‘would you rather’ question, your eyelids had grown too heavy to ignore. 

James had already begun noticing the slight slur to your words, head indicating it would drop at any given moment, but this was the calmest he had seen you all night and he didn’t want to break you (or himself, for that matter) out of the little bubble you’d both been brave enough to craft. He urged your head to his shoulder, placing a kiss on your forehead before breaking himself out of his trance, putting you upright before he can do anything else he might regret. 

“Come on, honey. You should definitely get to bed now, if you fall asleep on the sofa your back’s gonna kill in the morning.” 

He had helped you off of the sofa, guided you down the hall with his hand on the small of your back, and was now pulling your duvet over you when he felt your nimble fingers clasp around the palm of his hand as he was turning to leave.

“Jamie…” He wanted to scream. Wanted to run and never look back to see that sleepy look on your face. Wanted to grab your face in his hands and kiss you right there and then. 

You wanted to beg him to stay. Wanted to offer up the right side of your bed so he could sleep beside you. Wanted to tell him how you truly felt.

“Thanks, for um, y’know… Staying up with me. You didn’t have to so, um… thanks.” So much for a grand confession. 

“Yeah, I’m always here for you, sweet girl. Get some sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning.” 

Maybe tomorrow.

“Good night, Jamie.” 

There’d always be tomorrow.

His annoying attitude paired with his holier-than-thou perspective vexed you to no end. But what irritated you the most was how genuinely gifted he was, when you could barely understand the simplest of spells. It was unlike you, and he knew it, and gosh he loved to rub your face in it. You dreaded every upcoming test, and no matter how hard you studied, it made no difference when it came to putting the theory into practice. You hated him and his smug fucking face.

His smug, handsome face. 

Before you had spoken to him, you almost could’ve sworn your heart jumped in your chest a little. Before he had opened his fat gob, you’d almost thought you actually found him sufferable. Oh how wrong you’d been. 

“Exam coming up, sweetheart. I can’t wait to rub my superiority in your face, again!” You rolled your eyes as James took his respective seat next to you. Regrettably, you’d allowed him to be your seatmate, the first day of lessons your eyes following him as he smoothly slid down on the shared desk next to you. You didn’t realise, at the time, just what you were getting yourself in for.

“Oh shut it, Potter, this time is the time I get you back, just you wait.” You spat his name out with as much venom as you could fathom, before he let out a surprisingly loud laugh at your words.

“Please, oh I’d love to see that!” The bastard. You’d show him, you just had to.

The next day was the first time where this pointless rivalry had faltered, it almost made you like him. Almost. You were sick, in bed all day with a flu that was going around. It was hardly anything serious, you weren’t exactly bedridden, but you didn’t want to pass it on to any of your respective classmates (although you wouldn’t mind poisoning a certain one). 

It was late afternoon, just after last period, when a certain displeasing bespectacled boy was at your dorm room door, rasping a melodious knock that tore a groan from your throat. 

“Come in!” He peeked his head around the door, a cheery expression faltering at your state, before coming back tenfold, a detail you missed having your arm thrown over your eyes. 

“You had no right to get sick!” He all but whined. You looked at him incredulously, baffled by his sudden outburst.

“Who am I supposed to annoy now?” 

“Well I didn’t mean to get sick!” You reply, exasperated by his antics, and the annoying tone his voice was piercing your brain with.

He smirked at you, happy you still had your argumentative nature with him, even in your state, before handing you a bundle of parchment.

“Uh, here.” He gives you a lopsided grin, best he could muster for you right now, before clasping his hands behind his back, rocking himself back and forth from the balls to the heels of his feet.

Upon reading the parchment, you instantly knew what he’d done. You furrowed your brows upon glancing over his notes (in aggravatingly nice handwriting, might you add).

“What, and the joke is they’re all wrong or something?” you say, clearly irritated, waiting for him to get to the point, hit you with the punchline. 

“No! No, I just, um, want my win to be a fair one, you know? Can’t have you falling behind, can we?” By this point, his feet had planted firmly beside your bed, hand going up to scratch the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I, uh, used my best handwriting and everything. I know you always complain about how ‘illegible’ it is so I, y’know, wanted to make sure you could read them…” he says, his hand then gesturing to the aforementioned papers in your grasp. All you could do was stare at them, trying to figure out his real intentions. James Potter wouldn’t just do something nice for you, would he?

Upon your silence, his brain scrambles to fill it, “You can read it, right?”. You feel a smile fighting onto your face, a genuine, stupid smile trying to unabashedly show itself. 

“Uh, yeah, yeah I can read it, idiot. Um seriously, I- thank you?”

“Wow, don’t have to sound so genuine.”

“No, James, seriously, it, um, it means a lot…” your eyes stick onto the post at the end of your bed, your duvet suddenly feeling suffocatingly warm. 

James can’t help but feel stunned at your use of his actual name. It felt silly, but he could feel your resolve crashing down before him, it made his own rear its head into the room, before he heard your door open, signalling his departure.

“Right, well I’ll, uh, see you later.” He gives you his best grin, teeth and all, before scooting past your friend to go back to his friends, a confusing blush covering his cheeks. Shit.

Your next lesson back, you couldn’t help but feel your anger tenfold. You had read over his notes and, for fucks sake, they were amazing. You already had a better understanding of the subject just after two, maybe three sides of parchment. I mean wow, what a dickhead. A super smart, super hot dickhead. You took your spot next to him, not daring to give him a glance.

“Woah, you’re awfully quiet. Finally realise I’m so much better than you at this?” He turns to you, smug smirk on his lips that you just wanna smack (kiss) off his stupid face. You turn to him as well, so suddenly that he almost flinches. 

“Teach me.” 

It certainly wasn’t what he was expecting you to say, but if it led to you here, now, like this, then boy was he glad. You were sitting practically thigh to thigh in the library after school, you requesting his help right up until dinner (or however much of it you could take until then). 

After around two hours of his help, you hated to say that you were already seeing improvement on your behalf. You’d never seen him so serious, not shy to crack jokes of course, but you could tell he was genuinely trying to help you. There were points where you couldn’t help but get distracted, watching his hands run over the pages, using them to further drive his points home, not shying away from the proximity like you desperately wanted him to. Every time you asked him to repeat himself, he’d poke your side, asking if he’s going too fast for you (not quite as teasingly as you’d expect him to, though), before repeating himself in a way that he deemed would make things more clear for you. It’s his fault, anyway. If he hadn’t been so close, so touchy, you wouldn’t get distracted in the first place. Hell, you could practically feel his breath on your neck. Despicable. You could only pray he couldn’t feel your heart rate speeding up, body temperature rising. If he knew the reason for your getting distracted, he sure as hell wasn’t showing it, at least having the decency of saving you the embarrassment. 

It all came to an end (sadly) when Remus came into the library, looking for a particular book and finding more than he bargained for. A smirk overcame his face, before walking over to you both, bending next to James’ ear to mutter a quick “Sirius has been looking for you,” and leaving you both to your devices as he continued scouring the library for his book, discreetly eyeing you both up. 

“Thanks again for, y’know, everything.” You say awkwardly, wringing your hands together in a manner which had his eyebrows creasing, lips in a straight line before sucking in a sharp breath, replying with a genuine, “Hey, I get it. Having a reputation to uphold and what-not, it can be a lot…” You just nod, eyeing up his face for any indication of him not meaning what he was saying, sniffing out any traces of a potential trap. 

“No really, you make a great teacher.” You beam up at him, the closeness of him making your breath catch in your throat, faces so close you could almost…

“I am brilliant, aren’t I?” Moment ruined. 

You let out a genuine (albeit, surprised) laugh in his face before gathering your ink and quill, putting all the parchment used into your bag and holding out a hand to him. 

“Truce?”

“Okay, what’s wrong?” you ask, turning your body as best you can to fully face him, brows creasing as you do so. He only hums inquisitively at this, refusing to look at you as he appears to find his own hands much more interesting, fidgeting away.

“Seriously, Jamie, what’s up?” At your further questioning, he lets out one big sigh as he swings his legs over from where they had been previously stretched out over the handles of the armchair, now sat how the design permitted. 

“Sirius said something to me today, got me thinking…” Realising that that was all he was willing to give you right now, you spin back around with your own huff, hugging one of the common room cushions to your chest. You know James was never too good with words, so a lot of the time you’d appreciate his choosing to stay quiet instead of stumbling over thoughts he could never fully get across.

“Hey, love?” you hum in response, eyes trained on the fire dancing before you. James’ presence always comforted you, and that paired with the warmth emanating before you made your eyes droop more than you’d like to admit. 

“Would you like to go to Hogsmead with me this weekend?”

“Oh, sure” you reply, letting a dopey smile overtake your face. “We can invite Frank and Alice, I’ve been meaning to get her back for coffee-”

“No, darling, I meant just us two?” The implication made you suck in a breath, head whipping round to study any change in his features.

“You mean like.. Like a date?” 

He smiles at you, a heartwarming grin that makes your stomach flip. You’re not too sure where this sudden taking to you has come from, you’d always thought you’d stay in the friend zone forever, doomed to an unrequited love from the most oblivious man you’ve ever known. Of course, your friends had tried to convince you otherwise. Mary would nudge you gently every time she caught James staring at you, to which you’d always brush her off one way or another, making up excuses so as to not get your hopes up. 

Who would’ve guessed that all this time, he was thinking the same about you?

You had both agreed to not tell anyone about your date until you had figured stuff out between the two of you, wanting to be secure in what the other was feeling before going public with anything. It seemed the most sensible thing to do.

But when the day of the date came, you found yourself frustrated at not being able to tell anyone. No one to help pick an outfit out, no one to help you with your hair, no one to talk to. As much as you hated it, you made a promise to James.

 There was a close call where he dragged you by your wrist into a dingy alleyway after having spotted Dorcas as she left a quaint bookshop, holding you against a wall with a finger pressed to his lip in a hush motion, hand placed on your hip to keep you still and steady, lest you run out and make yourselves known. To say the whole ordeal made your heart skip a beat would’ve been an understatement, and the sneaking around was absolutely riveting. 

So you found that what was even more frustrating, was not being able to tell anyone how good the date went. He had greeted you with a bouquet of flowers, charm placed on them to never wilt as well. He had been a gentleman the whole afternoon (he normally is anyway, but even more so this time). He had held every door open for you, even pulling out your chair for you, and paid for the whole ordeal. You felt so safe with him walking next to you, a certain pride overcoming you knowing that he liked you, and you liked him, and gosh he liked you. It was overwhelming and you longed for someone to share it with. But James had your word, and the last thing you wanted to do was mess things up with him. So, you kept your mouth shut, painful as it was.

The next few weeks consisted of you sneaking around everywhere, and although it started off as exciting, you were really starting to get tired of keeping such a daunting secret from your closest friends. There was a lot of sneaking out after curfew to have midnight picnics on the astronomy tower, consisting of snacks James had nabbed from the Great Hall during dinner. A lot of sneaking off with the promise of the bathroom on your lips to professors, instead meeting up just to get these little snippets of alone time with each other, before any of your friends could catch on, let alone someone like Minnie. 

You thought finally going on dates with James Potter would be a good thing, but you came to find that you hated it. Not the dates, they were always amazing. They always made you forget how much you disliked sneaking around, almost making it all worth it. He was amazing, and kind, and funny and gosh you liked him so very much, but the lack of sleep was starting to catch up to you, making you much more irritable than normal. 

Every time you’d sit gathered in the common room with all your friends and who you wished to be your boyfriend, all you’d want is to openly hold his hand, openly admire how good he looked in that one quidditch jumper, and oh wow, to openly kiss him. 

To be fair, he hadn’t even secretly kissed you yet. 

So when you heard Sirius talking to James in the Great Hall about a Hufflepuff girl cheering extra loud for him during their last quidditch match, always staring at him with heart eyes and blushing every time he looked her way, it got on your last nerve. 

“James, can I talk to you please?” you practically grit through your teeth, trying to keep your calm as best as you can. 

“Hold on a sec, you’ve been stealing him away so much lately, what, you guys fucking or something?” Sirius proclaimed, wiggling his eyebrows at the both of you infuriatingly. To say the least, the comment had struck a soft spot, and you wanted now more than ever for James to lift this silly rule, to be confident enough in your relationship to just admit his feelings for you, right there, in front of everybody.

It was too much to hope, as all he did was turn around and join in on the jesting, not even considering how it might make you feel.

“Gosh no, you know we’re just friends, Pads cmon, don’t be like that.” The words cut through you, hurting more than he realised. You didn’t even know what to do, but you weren’t making the decisions, your body was making them for you. You spun on your feet, tears welling up in your eyes, embarrassment overflowing through your veins like blood. You started to walk away, leaving behind you a stunned Sirius and a very regretful James.

In that moment, all conflicting feelings left him, overtaken by wanting (read: needing) to comfort you, any means necessary. He couldn’t stand to see you upset, especially by his own hand. 

When you heard him calling after you, getting up to catch up to you, you could only speed up, trying to get away from him as fast as possible.

“Honey, please, I didn’t mean it, you know I didn’t mean it-” 

It’s no surprise that he catches up to you, jogging in front of you to somewhat block your path, pleading with you to hear him out. When your stubbornness dismissed him, there was only one more thing that he could think to do that would get his point across. After all, actions do speak louder than words. 

He grabs ahold of your face with both hands, opening his mouth to say something, anything, before cutting himself off by planting his lips firmly to yours. 

James Potter really was never very good with words. So it’s a good thing that you could always understand him, words or not.

After you pick your favourite colour from the options, you hand it to him and place your hands palm-down on a cushion that he had placed down for you. These softer moments were always your favourite with him, where he’d be calm enough to be present and still with you, a small smile always on his face, his raspy voice softly singing along to the playlist he’d made for you, music being the easiest way for him to express his feelings for you. It frustrated him often, not being able to fully express his love for you. He just feels it bottled up inside, having no clue how to put the strong emotions into words, so he lets his favourite artists do it for him. 

He grabs hold of the sleeves of your (read: his) jumper, rolling them up for better access to your hands, seeing as his sleeves drown your hands, making his job much harder. The simple, domestic action caused a blush to spread across your cheeks, something that happened often with how tender he always was with you. You don’t remember a time he’s ever raised his voice at you, knowing how much it hurts and never wanting to inflict that on you himself. He can’t ever begin to imagine using his touch in a harsh way with you, and he proves this to you every day with his forbearing touches, restrained squeeze on your hip, barely there hand on the dip of your back, guiding you through crowds, hand combing through your hair as he urges your head into his chest, bringing you the comfort of being surrounded by him and him alone, fully trusting him with your life.

As he gets started on your right hand, you get the opportunity to study his face, no walls up, no faking his happiness because he thinks he has to play this optimistic, funny caricature he’s created by accident. No, around you he can always be unapologetically, unequivocally himself. 

As the next song plays (Darling by Christian Leave), he grabs your hand off of the cushion, torso moving down slightly to blow on the nails he had just painted, manoeuvring your hand with a gentility his other friends wouldn’t even think him capable of. Once he deemed his work acceptable, he placed a delicate kiss on your hand, before urging you to place your left hand down on the cushion for him to continue his work. 

 “You look so pretty like this, Siri.” You weren’t wrong. Earlier on in the evening, he had let you take his hair back in one of your girliest clips, putting it up for him, even though his unruly curls rebelled, strands falling out the front to frame his face over time. He even had some makeup on left over from when he’d insisted you do it for him that morning, large hands pulling your thighs to sit on his lap so you could be close enough to him to do a thorough job. 

He smiles a genuine smile, one he reserves for very few people, and caps the nail polish bottle to place a calloused hand on the side of your face, thumb caressing your cheek as he looks at you with so much love in his eyes. You could feel your breathing sync up, hearts intertwined and beating as one. The stillness in the room made a calming peace envelop the both of you, as if you were the only ones in the world. 

You revelled in the fact that he could just hold you like this, you both just staring at each other with so much love and admiration for the other, so much trust in your relationship that even if any doubts were to ever overcome one of you, you’d know you could sort it out easily. The fact that you could both just sit with one another like this, not needing to kiss, not needing anything to be said, just knowing that you love each other and that was all that mattered. You knew you meant as much to him as he meant to you, having helped each other through everything you’d had to endure so far, and were bound to endure in the future.

“Cmon Pads, you’ve still got another hand to do” you said through a cheeky smile, one which had him laughing, so softly you’d almost mistaken it to only be meant for himself.

“Cmere, little minx” with that, he takes your left hand, being sure to give that one its respective kiss too before starting to paint again. 

“Such soft hands”, it’s barely a whisper, the Great Sirius Black not being able to trust his voice enough in your presence, the effect you have on him being monstrous. It was no surprise to you that he liked your hands, the level of trust and comfort you’d achieved with each other not having come from secrets, after all. The main reason they were soft in the first place was because he was always smothering them in hand cream, a habit he’d picked up for himself from his years of guitar playing, which he was more than happy to pass onto you. He was always grabbing one of your hands to hold onto as you walked the streets, or even just laying together, fiddling with your fingers, placing his ring on your ring-finger, muttering to himself about ‘one day…’. 

Once he’d finished his artwork, he grinned proudly at you, lopsided and true, straightening up to sit perched on his knees, grabbing at your hands to better show you his work. You couldn't help the smile that overtook you as he boasted about how good a job he'd done, leaning over his makeshift nail station to place a kiss to his hairline, where his hair met his forehead, saying that you thought they looked simply beautiful.

"Thank you darling, truly. My turn!"