#x reader fluff

Dean watched as Beau declined every advance to hang out or go drinking. Instead, Beau spent all his time in the gym. Running the treadmill, lifting the heaviest weights he possibly can without hurting himself, or even going to the fieldhouse and throwing the football until his arm felt like it was being ripped off his body. 

It wasn’t until Dean walked in on you bawling your eyes out in Hannah’s lap did he decide to take the matters into his own hands. If neither of you are going to make a move to fix your lives, he’s going to have to interfere. He’s tired of seeing his best friend, and by extension, you, be ridden with heartbreak that could easily be fixed by the two of you doing what’s best. Getting back together. 

So, that’s how Allie and Dean end up here. Their favorite coffee shop right off campus. It was supposed to be a date. But now, it’s a debriefing. “She barely leaves her bed, Dean.” Allie stresses to her boyfriend. “The other day I asked if she wanted to get a sweet treat and she said no.” Her eyes widen in fear. “She said no.” Dean puts his head in hands, deep in thought. “That’s not like her. She always says yes to a sweet treat. Even if it’s just for a ride.” Dean looks up, leaning back against the booth. 

“Beau doesn’t put the weights down. Every time I call or text him, he’s either at the gym or the fieldhouse. He won’t stop it.” Dean sighs. “He’s gonna push himself over the limit and end up hurting more than heartbreak.” 

“She went to the doctor. She’s been having horrible symptoms. They make her miserable. She’s practically bed-ridden. And she won’t listen to me.” Dean nods his head, thinking of what they could do. But everything they’ve tried, nothing is working. You won’t listen to Allie, and Beau won’t listen to Dean. Said blonde sits up straight, and his girlfriend can practically see the gears turning in his head. 

“That’s it.” He says, his very own eureka moment happening in the middle of the coffee shop. 

“What’s it?” 

“They’re not listening to us.” Dean says, putting an emphasis on the last word. “But maybe, they’ll listen to us.” He makes a swap motion with his fingers and Allie furrows her eyebrows in confusion. 

“What are you talking about, Dean?” Exasperation is evident in her voice and expression. 

“I’m saying, if Beau won’t listen to me, maybe he’ll listen to you.” Allie starts putting it together and her face lights up. 

“And she might listen to you!” She says, pointing to Dean. 

“Exactly!” Dean says, before slamming the table and pointing towards his girlfriend. “And before we know it, all four of us will be sitting in this exact booth again.” Allie smiles, already putting into motion what she’s going to say. 

–

Dean’s Turn

You study in the library because it’s the one place on this campus where you actually lock in on your homework. When you go into the library with five upcoming assignments, you go out with all of your homework down for the next two weeks. But, it takes up a lot of your time, so you don’t go often. 

Except for recently, because it’s one of the few places on campus you know Beau and his buddies won’t be at. Not because they’re not smart, but because they simply would rather do anything else than sit at the library and study. You would know. They told you to your face. 

However, you were proven wrong when you saw none other than Dean Heyward-DiLaurentis walk into the library, eyes searching around the floor you are on. You chose the quiet floor, the one where no one is to talk at all, and if they do, it has to be quietest of whispers. Dean’s eyes scan the room for a little while longer before they land on you. And his infamous smirk flashes the whole room. You roll your eyes, with no real heat behind it. Dean makes his way over to you, keys dangling in his hand. “What do you say we go for a ride?” He whispers and you look down at your homework in front of you. You open your mouth to protest, but Dean catches it. “I’m not really taking no as an answer.” He’s insanely lucky you have only one assignment left. 

Quietly, you pack your things, and when you go to grab your bookbag, Dean snatches it himself and carries it himself, leading you out of the quiet floor and down the library steps. Moonlight marks the pavement as you walk in step with your best friend’s boyfriend. For the most part, the walk to his car is silent, except for the chatter of students buzzing with excitement about the football game on Saturday. You’re a little confused why there’s still quite a few students on campus at this hour. “Are you going?” Dean asks after a long time of no talking. You shrug. 

“Most likely not.” 

“What?!” He asks almost a little too loudly. Causing multiple eyes to look towards you, and causing you to shrink in on yourself. 

“Shhhh. Shut up, DiLaurentis!” You beg, trying to keep the prying eyes off of you. Ever since your breakup with Beau, it feels like all eyes have been on you. Worse than when you were together. You hate it. 

“How can you not go? It’s against our rivals. It’s gonna be the biggest game all season. Everyone’s gonna be there.” You roll your eyes with an affectionate smile. 

“I highly doubt everyone is gonna be there.” 

“I wouldn’t doubt, young one.” You scoff. 

“I’m like, less than a year younger than you, Dean.” 

“My point exactly. You’re still young. You got life to figure out.” Dean’s car comes into view and you sigh, excited to taste the relief of privacy. Dean opens the door for you and lets you in, before shutting it and throwing your bag in the back. 

Before you know it, he’s on the road, driving aimlessly with seemingly no destination in sight. It’s nice. The serenity. No expectations. You roll the window down and lay your head against the door frame, feeling the wind against your face and hoping that it gets rid of the headache that has been forming since Dean approached you in the library. You know what this is about, but knowing doesn’t make the blow any less painful. 

“So, we need to talk.” He starts, and you turn your head slightly to stare at the blonde in the driver’s seat. Thoughts of all the memories you have with him, with Allie, with Beau. You’ve known Dean for longer than you’ve known Beau, Dean was the reason the two of you got together. So, naturally, you assume that this situation is just as heartbreaking for him. In some vicinity. And by the seriousness in his voice, it only confirms it. “You know what I’m about to talk to you about, right?” 

“Unfortunatley.” 

“See, that’s the thing.” He points to you. “I don’t think it’s unfortunate that we’re talking about it.” 

“Dean, whatever you are about to tell me, I guarantee you that I’ve already heard it from Allie.” Dean pulls the car over. “What are you doing?!” Eyes wide in confusion and a little bit of fear, you turn your head to Dean. You’re in the middle of the highway, so naturally, you’re just a little worried. 

“I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but you need to.” The atmosphere in the car has you worried about what he’s about to say. “Beau is destroying himself. He rarely leaves the gym, and if he’s not at the gym, he’s at the fieldhouse. He only gets like one hour of sleep each night, and he gets obliterated at practice every day.”

“How would you know that?” Dean gives you a look that says, ‘seriously?’. 

“Because I go to watch the practices and I watch as he actually lets the defensemen tackle him to the ground. His coach is already royally pissed at him. It’s bad.” Dean lets out a sigh. “He misses you.” The words cause you to look down at your hands in your lap. “Like, a lot. Everything we talk about has a trace of you, whether verbally or if it’s hidden between the lines.” Tears fill your eyes, making your vision blurry. “Like, the other day, we were at Malone's. We were talking about the upcoming game on Saturday with some of the football guys and they were all mentioning about their girlfriends being at the game and Beau left the table and was gone for like ten minutes.” You wipe at one of the tears in your eyes. 

“Maybe he just-” 

“No, I’m sorry to cut you off, but no. You’re not gonna sit here and make excuses, when we both know what it is.” Dean is quiet for a few seconds. “He asked about you the other day.” You turn your head towards him, hoping to hear what was said. “He asked if I knew how you were doing.” 

“What did you say?” Dean lets out an exhale, thinking back on the conversation. It didn’t end well. 

“Well, I told him that from what I’ve seen, you bawling your eyes out in Hannah’s lap while Remember the Titans played in the background was a pretty clear image of how you’ve been doing lately.” Dean then leans forward. “He’s predicted to be the number one draft pick in April.” You shake your head, looking out the window. 

“I don’t care if he’s going to be number one in the draft if I’m not number one in his heart.” You cringe at what you said, understanding how insanely cheesy it was. But, it’s true. You don’t care about anything Beau is doing if you’re not at his side supporting him along the way. It’s selfish, but it’s how you feel. 

“Wow.” Dean says, shocked by what you said. “That’s… cheesy.” You roll your eyes, crossing your arms over your chest. It's quiet in the car for a few moments. You don’t say anything. Dean takes that as his cue and takes off on the road, driving towards your dorm. A sigh leaves your lips. 

“I really miss him.” You admit. “I don’t know how to live without him.” Dean chooses not to say anything to that, but rather lets you sit and think about what you just said. 

-

Allie’s Turn

While Dean decided to use the approach and corner tactic, Allie decided to go for a more calm approach. So, she texted Beau. 

Allie: Beau!!!! I haven’t seen you in so long my friend, would you want to go get some coffee with me tomorrow?? :) 

Beau: Hey Allie, sure, what time?

Allie: Does ten work?

Beau: yeah, i’ll be there

Allie: Yay! See you then!

Beau: See you.

That leads to now, where Allie sits in the booth at the coffee shop, her iced coffee sitting in front of her. It’s a little after ten, and she knows that Beau doesn’t mean any harm by being late. In fact, he probably doesn’t even realize he’s late. Unfortunately, you were always the one that made sure he was on time to everything. Allie thinks that your absence in his life has affected even the mundane areas without him noticing. The bell to the door rings and Allie looks up from her phone, smiling ear to ear when she sees Beau walk in with his hair wet and a Briar U football sweatshirt. Said man takes a survey of the room before landing on Allie, and while it’s not a full on smile, the corner of his mouth twitches. 

“Beau!” Allie greets, standing up and wrapping her arms around him. Beau hugs her back, before they sit down and he puts his hands in his sweatshirt pocket. “You look good.” It’s a complete lie. She can see the obvious eye bags underneath his eyes, he looks a little slimmer than usual, and there’s a melancholy feeling wrapped around him. 

“Don’t flatter me, Allie.” He says, leaning back against the booth. Similar to the way Dean did only a week ago. “How have you been? Joanna keeps asking about you.” Allie smiles bright, delving into her life lately, hoping that Beau will see this as a casual friend hangout rather than what it is: a talk of concern for his love life, or rather lack thereof. 

Beau nods along, listening like a gentleman, but Allie can tell that his mind is elsewhere. His eyes scan the room, his body turned towards the window in the booth, and his responses are short, either giving a hum or a shake of his head. By the time Allie has reached twenty minutes of talking about things such as the theatre department, Hannah and Garrett’s privacy problems, and how she’s excited for the football game on Saturday, she has had enough. “Okay.” She says as her hands slam down on the table abruptly. “You have barely been paying attention to me this whole time. Your mind is completely elsewhere. What’s the problem?” Beau takes his eyes off of the street corner and looks at Allie. 

“What do you mean? I don’t have a problem.” Allie sighs. 

“Listen, Beau, you may think that just because I’m her best friend, then I’m gonna automatically choose her side and defend her till the day I die, which is true I will, but if it makes you also think that I don’t care about what you’re feeling through all of this, then you are severely mistaken my dear friend.” She takes a dramatic pause to let him contemplate on her words. “Tell me what’s going on.” 

Beau looks down at his lap. “I thought that-” He gulps, not scared, but rather overwhelmed by his emotions. “I thought that if we took a break it would make the both of us happy. She wouldn’t have to feel like she’s becoming second place, and I wouldn’t feel like I am being bombarded with all the things in my life.” There’s people all throughout the coffee shop, and their voices overlap on top of each other, but nothing could make Allie not hear the next words that Beau has for her, “I’m more miserable without her than I have ever been with her. I thought that not having to juggle a relationship would be less stressful for me, but it made it all ten times worse. I can barely balance everything I’m doing without her. No one is there to remind me to take my medicine, no one is there laying in my bed at the end of the day just because she missed me and wanted to see how my day was, no one is there to help stitch me back up after I got drilled at practice.” Tears are gathered in his eyes and Allie realizes this is the first time she’s ever seen Beau cry. “She was the only steady thing in my life. And now she’s gone, and I don’t know how to operate without her.” A singular tear starts to slip, but he wipes it away before it can get past his cheekbone. There’s a heavy silence between the two. Neither of them have much more to say, but Allie thinks she has something that might bring him to realization. 

“If you feel this way, Beau, she needs to know.” Beau looks up at that. “She would kill me if she knew I told you this, but she’s not doing well, Beau. She’s sick. Like, physically sick. She doesn’t leave her bed. I- I had to force her to go to the doctor.” Beau sits up straight at that. 

“Is she okay? What did the doctor tell her?” There’s fear in his eyes, but the hope in Allie’s eyes overwhelms it. 

“The doctor said she’s fine.” Beau lets out a breath he’s been holding. “She’s okay, Beau, but what’s not okay is how both of you are treating this.” He hangs his head in shame. “Both of you are lovesick and heartbroken and the only thing that can fix that is reconciling. She’s a wreck without you, and I can tell that you are the same. I don’t know how, but you need to get her back. Both of you need to get each other back.” Beau thinks about it, a plan brewing in his head. 

“Do you think you could get her to the game on saturday?” Allie smirks, nodding her head. 

“Oh, without a doubt.” 

“I think I have a plan, but I might need help.” 

“I’m all ears” 

–

Eventually, Saturday comes and you’re sitting on the couch watching youtube videos when Allie comes bursting in from her room. “Uh, what are you doing?” She asks, watching as you shove another handful of popcorn into your mouth. 

“Watching youtube.” You mutter through the food in your mouth. 

“Okay, well, get up, cause you’re going to the game.” You finish chewing and swallowing the food before Allie grabs your hand and pulls you up off the couch. 

“What? No! That is the last place I want to spend my Saturday at.” Allie sighs, shaking her head and dragging you to your room. 

“I don’t care. You’re going, whether I have to force you or not.” You sigh, knowing that you’re not going to win this fight, so you barely fight back and start putting clothes on. Allie makes sure that you look good, curling your hair and helping you put some mascara on, (that’s all that you would let her put on) before making sure you’re wearing something that will keep you warm but also is cute. She settled on light denim jeans and a football sweatshirt that she knows is Beau’s. 

“I can’t wear this.” 

“Yes you can, and you will.” Her phone dings and she looks at the notification. “Dean’s here, let’s go.” You grab your phone and put it into your pocket before she drags you out of the dorm and down to Dean’s car, where he’s waiting patiently on his phone. He greets the two of you, Allie with a forehead kiss and you with a pat on the head. 

“Let’s go watch some football ladies!!!” He says as he opens Allie’s door and you open yours, not fully ready for the day ahead. 

–

The field is packed, with Briar U students and the rival team’s fans alike. While you doubted it, Dean really was telling the truth when he said everyone was gonna be here. You’ve passed five people you know before you even got into the stadium, and there’s plenty more people you know where you’re sitting. 

The game hasn’t started yet and you’re already filled with insane nerves. Garrett, Hannah, Tucker and Logan are all sitting with you guys, and they all chat as the players warm up. While they talk, you can’t help but stare at number 65 on the field as he warms up with his team, throwing balls, stretching, the whole shabang. Said man looks up, and you can tell that you’re making eye contact with him, and while you’re not far from the field, you doubted if you could. But you are. And neither of you are looking away. Until Beau is patted on the shoulder, and told to grab his helmet. He breaks eye contact first, but you keep your eyes on him as he does as told, and runs to the tunnel. But before he disappears, he catches your eyes again, a small smile on his face and a wave coming your way. 

You yourself let a small smile make its way on your face and wave back, waving your fingers at him. His smile burns brighter before he disappears fully into the tunnel. 

–

The game went really well. Briar U won, 41-20, and it was crazy. You laughed as you watched all of the players chest bump and celebrate with each other before disappearing to the showers. Garrett and Hannah both leave, and you go to follow, but Allie catches your wrist. “We’re gonna stay and chat with Logan and Tuck first.” You nod your head, crossing your arms and listening to the conversations. 

As you talk with your friends, the stadium slowly empties out, and before you know it, you five are the only ones left in the bleachers. Tucker makes a joke that causes you to laugh out loud, and you realize it feels good to laugh. You haven’t in a long time. 

You go to reply, but a piano comes over the speakers before you can. You whip around to the press box, and from your seat in the bleachers, you can see Hannah and Garrett standing there. Garrett is sitting in one of the seats, and Hannah is playing the piano. Your eyebrows furrow in confusion. It’s just instrumental for a while before Hannah starts to sing. “When the rain is blowing in your face.” What. The. Freak. Why is Hannah playing Adele in the stadium right now? “And the whole world is on your case.” You turn to look at Allie and Dean, who both have huge smiles on your face. Your eyes flit to Logan and Tucker, both sharing the same smirk. “I can offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love.” Allie points to the field and there in the middle stands Beau, holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers and a sheepish smile on his face. You stand there frozen for a second, music still playing through the speakers, and the tears falling from your eyes are falling freely. You don’t bother stopping them. Allie pushes you forward and you take that as a wake up call, running down the bleachers towards the field. 

Your eyes are on Beau the whole time you make your way down to the field, and when you get to the barrier between the bleachers and the field, you jump it, but not without whoops and hollers from your friends. You slow once you’re on the field, making your way to Beau, who has his own tears in his eyes. Hannah is still singing through the speaker, but you can barely hear it over your breath. Neither of you say anything for a few moments. Beau is the first to break the silence. “I’m miserable without you, baby.” The admittance causes more tears to fall. “This past month or two has been the worst time of my life.” You nod your head agreeing with him. “I’m sure you’ve heard, I’ve had the worst experience ever.” You can’t help but nod your head again. 

Hannah finishes out the song. “Nothing that I wouldn’t do. Go to the ends of the earth for you. To make you feel my love. To make you feel my love.” 

“I know that you’re not the biggest fan of grand gestures, that’s why I made sure that everyone else had left so that I could do this.” Beau takes a step closer, leaning down and putting the bouquet on the ground. “I can’t do this without you, baby. I’ve been thinking about what I said that night, and I realize that I want you by my side for the rest of my life, especially in this next season that’s coming up. You wouldn’t be holding me back, you would be pushing me forward.” There’s a pause and you can’t help the small smile on your face. “And I would be taking you with me the whole way.” 

You can’t help it, you reach up and grab his face in your hands, bringing him down to your lips. Cheers are heard from your friends spot on the bleachers, and claps are heard from the press box, but it doesn’t matter to you. All that matters is Beau’s lips on yours and his hands on your hips. When the two of you break apart, it’s your turn to admit. “I’m so sorry, Beau. I never meant to hurt you in any way. Some of the things I said were awful, and I don’t care about what team you get drafted to, or what place in the draft you are, I just care that wherever you go next, that I’m right next to you. And that you feel my love for you, and I care that you know that I will be there for you. For everything.” 

“I’m sorry too, baby. I love you so much, I love you more than football, and draft picks, and everything. I never want to be without you ever again.” 

“Me too.” He smiles before leaning down and kisses you again, both of you barely able to kiss due to the clashing of smiling teeth. 

Nothing’s wrong with you when he holds you like this. 

These are the things you convince yourself of as you walk away from the love of your life. From the best two years of your life. From late nights in his car driving to the 24/7 diner just because he had a craving for fries, to the walks through campus where you’re wearing his football sweatshirt that still smells like him as he holds your hand and tells you that you’re his favorite person. You’re walking away from it all. 

As you walk into your building, you replay the past few moments in your head. 

Beau was walking you towards your dorm, after what, on the outside, looked like a good date. Except it wasn’t. It was the farthest thing from it. 

It started with the reservation being for a different day, so you suggested just getting fast food from somewhere. But someone at the restaurant recognized Beau and asked how he was feeling about the upcoming draft. It then turned into a twenty minute conversation with a stranger about different picks, where Beau stands on the line of picks, and what team would be best suited for him. It took him till it hit the twenty minute mark to realize that you in fact have left the restaurant and were waiting inside his car. 

The car ride to your dorm building was silent. But the tension was there. You pulled the classic, ‘I’m mad at you’ position, body completely facing the door away from Beau with your arms crossed. His hands were white knuckled on the steering wheel, eyes focused on the road. When he got to your parking lot, he insisted on walking you up to the building. You agreed, but halfway through, you said something under your breath. “I’m so sick of football.” Admittedly, it came out of nowhere. Nothing brought it up, but you were thinking it, so you said it. 

Beau stopped in his tracks. But you kept going. “What?” You turned around, facing him, a couple of feet away from him at that point. 

“I’m sick of it, Beau.” There’s a silence between the both of you before you speak up again. “I’m sick of the stats, of the constant need to be on, of the spotlight on you, on us, I’m sick of it all.” You take another pause. “I don’t know how much longer I can take it.” 

“What are you trying to say, y/n?” He pauses. “Cause to me, it sounds like you’re sick of me.” Your eyes can’t help but roll at his statement. Of course, Beau Maxwell has once again gotten it wrong. For what feels like the thousandth time this week alone. 

“That’s not what I’m saying, Beau. I’m saying that I’m sick of coming second place in your life. I’m sick of football coming before me at all times, even when we’re alone, it finds its way to seep into the cracks of everything we do. I can’t do it anymore, Beau.” His nostril’s flare, and you can see his desperation in his face. 

“Y/n, you know that I have to focus on the draft right now. It’s right around the corner and I have to get picked.” 

“You’re going to get picked, Beau!” It comes out as a yell, not what you were intending. “You’re one of the greatest prospects the league has seen in forever, and it's been set for years that you’re going to be the next star quarterback of the NFL. But, where does that leave me?” Beau’s face showed you that he has never considered that before. “I’m not built to be just the girlfriend of the next star player for whatever team you’re going to get picked for. I have my own dreams, my own ambitions. I don’t want to throw that away.” Neither of you speak, the words landing heavy in the atmosphere. “What are we doing here, Beau? Where do you picture me in your life? Am I with you?” 

Beau shakes his head, not comprehending. “I think maybe we should take a break.” There it is. It’s been lingering for a while now. The words were something neither of you were courageous enough to say until now. “I can’t have anything holding me back. Not right now. I could be anywhere in the fall, and I don’t- I can’t drag you with me wherever I go.” The tears sting your eyes as you try to keep them in. 

“Is that how you feel about me?” The question hits the cold January air, and it lingers. “That I’m just something you’re dragging around?” 

“No! No, of course not! You’re not just something I’m dragging around…” The pause was detrimental, and you knew what was coming. “But I can’t have anything, or anyone, keeping me away from focusing on my rookie season.”

“Then I guess this is it.” You shrugged, before crossing your arms over yourself. The tears have fallen down by now, falling free. 

“I guess so.” There’s nothing more to say, so you turn, and you start walking towards the door, trying not to cry until you get inside. You didn’t want to show him how broken you were. 

Allie and Hannah found you on the couch eating Hot Cheetos while watching Grown Ups a few hours later. One look at your face, and they were rushing over, catching you in a hug. One look at their faces and you were sobbing into Allie’s chest as Hannah played with your hair from behind. You told them everything when you were able to calm down, the weeks leading up to it, what made the breaking point, and how it ended. 

Your two roommates shared a look with each other over the top of your head as you cried into your hands, completely distraught over losing the love of your life. And that’s exactly what it was. 

The biggest loss of your life. 

The days following were even worse. You saw it coming. 

I’m just staring at the ceiling, can’t describe this feeling

Days spent in your bed, looking up at the ceiling of your dorm as you contemplate everything that has happened. You think over every detail leading up to the breakup. The mostly good memories you have with Beau, and then you realize that really the only bad memories were the ones in the final weeks. This particular position you have in your bed reminds you of when you stayed the night at Beau’s off campus house for the first time. 

Beau had suggested the sleepover a few days prior. And to say you were nervous is an understatement. When you showed up at his door with your duffel bag on your shoulder, you were shaking as you knocked. Eventually, Beau came to the door and let you in. “Here baby, let me get your bag.” Beau took your bag and led you upstairs quickly, where you ended up laying and watching a movie on his laptop. He convinced you to watch Remember the Titans. You loved it. 

It didn’t take long before the two of you were looking up at the ceiling, sharing your thoughts and feelings about anything and everything in between. “And that’s why I think the moon landing was fake.” You turn your head to your boyfriend, eyes narrowing. 

“If you truly believe that, I’m not sure this is gonna work out.” Beau laughs, rolling to his side and holding his head up with his fist. 

“Did I trick you at all?” You shake your head, still laying on your back. Your eyes drift back to the ceiling, hands splayed against your stomach. 

“Do you ever think about the things that you’ll never know?” The question causes a bout of silence in the room. Beau sighs, rolling to be on his back again and leading his hand to yours and he grabs hold tightly. 

“Didn’t know I would be having an existential crisis during our first sleepover.” A laugh comes out of your mouth before shaking your head. Turning your head, your face turns solemn. 

“I’m serious, Beau.” His name coming out of your mouth causes him to look back at you. At this point, the two of you had been dating for only a few months. “There’s so many things out there that we don’t know about, and we’ll never know about them.” Beau takes his time with his response, and it builds the tension in the room. His face paints a picture of how he’s trying to take this conversation seriously, and you truly think he is. 

“I think…” He starts, drawing you into whatever he is going to say next. “That knowing you defeats the anxiety of all the things I’ll never know.”  A smile paints your face, and your un-occupied hand reaches out to his cheek, caressing his cheekbone. 

“I love you.” It’s the first time you’re saying it out loud, and you couldn’t feel it more strongly than you do right now. 

“I love you too.” Beau leans, capturing your lips in his. 

The feeling in your stomach cannot be described. 

I’m just searching up my symptoms/desperate to fix ‘em/went to the doctor and she said i was fine

The cursor in the search bar blinks repeatedly. Almost daring you to search what you’ve been mulling over the past few days. Before you can think too much about it, you start typing. 

Heartburn, nausea, low energy, headaches, anti-social. 

Multiple diagnoses come up. Acid reflux, indegestion, ulcers. None of them are appealing. But you think that none of them are true either. You just want to know how to fix them. 

You tried ibuprofen. Then you think about Beau again and the headaches come right back. You try to take Tums and then you see an instagram post with him in and the heartburn is like it never left. You try to go out and socialize with friends but then you see one of his frat brothers and you suddenly want to go right back inside. 

It took two weeks, but Allie convinced you to go to the doctor. It was a quick visit. You signed in, got called back, Allie held your hand as the nurse took all your vitals. The doctor came in and told you all the tests went exceedingly well. You’re completely fine. But you don’t feel it. 

Every movie that I see makes me cry

A few weeks after the fact, Allie and Hannah convince you to watch a movie marathon with them. Complete with your favorites. Grown Ups, Home, Mean Girls, the whole nine yards. You were excited when they brought it up. Happy, even. To distract yourself from the feelings you’ve been having. 

When it happened during Grown Ups, you chalked it up to nostalgia. Hannah and Allie laughed, nodding their heads. 

When it happened during Home, it was the fact that you always cried at the part where she can’t find her mother. Allie and Hannah cried too. 

But when it happened during Mean Girls, and even though you blamed it on feeling empathy for the situation, Hannah and Allie shared a look with each other. 

But then Remember the Titans came on and you bawled into Hannah’s lap as Allie played with your hair. A knock on the door didn’t cause you to look up, but when you heard Dean’s voice saying hello to his girlfriend without noticing you were there, your sobs became louder. 

What if this isn’t what I want?

The question circled around in your head. When you laid in bed at night, as you walked to your classes, when you were studying in the library, when you were drinking at Malone’s, it circled around in ways you couldn’t understand. 

For the past two years, all you’ve wanted is Beau. All you’ve wanted is what he could give to you. And what you could give to him. What the two of you could do to give to each other. What you could do for each other. It wasn’t until you saw him walking with another girl on campus did you finally realize that this breakup is indeed not what you want. 

It’s the farthest thing you want. But, you don’t know how to go back from it. 

Because Beau is the reason you’ve been feeling this way for the past two months. Your breakup is the reason you’ve been staring at your ceiling before your eyelids droop from exhaustion. Your own decisions are what's causing you. 

And then you come to the conclusion. 

I think you’re what’s wrong with me.