Δ enoch Δ

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I know no one wants to talk about skin picking because it’s “gross” and not as relatable but screw it, I’ve just gotta vent

The vortex, when you’re just gonna pick at that one spot and then boom it’s 20 minutes later

When you KNOW you don’t have time right now and I swear if start now you’re going to miss the bus but you can see a spot there and you’ve gotta get it

Sitting there soaking up blood from five different spots on your face wondering why you’re still doing this

You hate using bandaids because they’re so obvious but if you don’t use them you know you’ll pick

Never having clear skin

Finally getting clear skin, but only for an hour because you can feel a bump under the surface and you’ve gotta pick

When it hurts to touch it but you push through it because you just need to pick it

Suddenly noticing that you’re picking

Having to avoid mirrors

Trying so hard to maintain some self-control because you need nicer skin for an event and finally bursting after it’s over and picking everything

False hope when picking momentarily makes your skin look better before it inevitably turns worse

this is gonna be a long one but if the title applies to you, i IMPLORE you to read the whole thing. if it doesn’t, please reblog. you might save someone from this fucking nightmare.

i found a diary entry on the day that i decided to go on tumblr and search up “thinspo”. i was feeling awful about my body for some time but never really thought about calories or eating less or anything.

i wrote (verbatim): “i don’t want to have an eating disorder or anything, i just want to lose 10lbs”

not even a month later, it was like nothing could stop me from reaching my goal. i kept telling myself i wasn’t in too deep. i ate 500 cals a day and no more. i exercised 300 cals away.

now, the only thing i want is that blissful ignorance. not even thinking twice about my body. not caring what i ate. understanding the boundaries of healthy eating. not feeling faint and dizzy when standing up.

I WISH THAT I HAD SEEN A POST TELLING ME THAT IF YOURE LOOKING AT THINSPO “just to motivate you,” THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A PROBLEM AND THE START OF A CYCLE YOU WILL REGRET EVER BEGINNING AS SOON AS YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR ADDICTION TO STARVING. at this time in my life i would listen to NOBODY and NO POST could stop me from slowly crawling into the arms of my developing eating disorder. BUT IM BEGGING YOU, IF YOU ARE BEGINNING THIS STRUGGLE, GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL HAVE CONTROL. you see all these posts telling you that over 1,000 calories is disgusting and so on, DO NOT LISTEN. PLEASE! you have no idea how quickly this shit can get in your head. no matter what your intentions for going on the ana tags are, LEAVE THEM NOW IF YOU STILL CAN. LEAVE AND DONT LOOK BACK. OR ELSE YOU WILL END UP DISORDER RIDDEN AND HATING YOURSELF LIKE ME, because once you’ve been here long enough, it doesn’t matter if you hit your UGW or you’re still at your sw; you will always always always see yourself as fat. that is a promise. and it’s disgusting.