judy

is a love that has been molded by the gods because nothing mortal could be this exquisite

the love i have for you

is a love so powerful and consuming

it has crawled into my veins

and it runs through my blood

the love i have for you

is a salvation yet a destruction

because it is unrequited

because i am made of honey

and you are made of charcoal

and because i am too full of love

to be half loved and

you only love me with the lights off

the feet being dragged, one after the other

the cheeks never crimson nor wet

any longer

and the lips pursed tightly

to refrain from uttering

what the heart fears

but the mind knows

the petrification began

from the exterior;the tender skin

and dug deeper and deeper

until it reached the soul

that was, but no longer is

made up of the sweetest essence

of human nature

and a heart made of sapphire

a stiff statue of adamantine stone

with the insides decayed

a nurturing soul made of

sugary nectar, turned into the dirtiest

of sodden mire

oh how i pray

for the long and dainty eyelashes

guarding the windows of the soul

to wet

because the rusty creaking of my being

is already decomposing

oh how i long

to decay and decompose in the soft earth;

to become one with the ground

that you trot upon

that is the closest i will ever be to you

clenched firmly

on a tongue that once was

marinated by your kiss

the taste of copper now everlasting

you have deprived me of my identity

if i have ever had a past

i have forgotten it

washed away by the tide of melancholy

but you are forever imprinted in my memory

my fingertips are still familiar

with the geometry of your shoulder blades

and i can recite the words you said to me

the day you left

like my name

who told them i could be plucked

out of the depths of despair

complete

i was pulled pulled pulled right out

jaded

with hollow bones that could no longer break

i no longer speak

my voice and anything it has to say is futile

my voice creaks like an old wooden door

being opened

unfamiliar to my own ears

i feel like an outsider in this body

perhaps i’ll feel like i have a home

and i’ll return to my roots

when the lingering memory i have of you is gone

with lungs filled with dust

and a mind filled with the cobwebs of memory

clutter that should’ve been swept away

long ago

what once was made of honey

is now covered in mire

and i am decaying with yearning

as i slow dance with your ghost

that accompanies me wherever i go

no one is here to watch me burn

so i gaze at my reflection in my solitude

ablaze

when i crashed to the ground

with a loud thud

a mere pile of bones

they tried to fix all that was broken

and fill all that was empty

i was too worn out to even say

that i could not be adhered by cheap cement

my fragments weary even of themselves

beyond this skin is a soul

that has been maimed

and roots that have been plucked from

the only home they have ever known

my ghost

i must stifle your extant cries

before you stifle mine

my teeth clenched tight

enamel on enamel

almost cracking

my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth

adhered by all i have ever wanted to but

never dared to utter

stories on the tip of my tongue

waiting to be told but eventually forgotten

turned to acid

digging holes in the insides of my hollow cheeks

the first form of love

i should have witnessed was missing

if we have a past

i have forgotten it

i am told i have your eyes

but i could never see the world

the way you do

i am told i have your lips

but mine could never articulate

the bitter words yours have

i search for you frantically but

i cannot find you

in the forlorn faces and bodies that surround me

your presence is a void similar to your absence

it is emptying me

digging holes in my already beaten body

making me smaller and smaller

and smaller

i am bound to disappear

dearest father let me know

if you ever wish to knock on my door

you plucked me out of my roots

making sure to deprive me

of the home i have always known

you held my head under water

your rugged hands on my scalp

keeping me six feet under

you laid me down and stood on my chest

held me by the wrists and

ordered me to stand up

the weight of my world in its entirety

holding me down

i was pinned to the ground

you shoved your flowers down my throat

the sickly sweet flowers

you once gave me on a sunny afternoon

since you are gone

the sun no longer shines and

your withered flowers are suffocating me

clung to my lungs and

clenching them so tight they might shrink

your flowers have lost their essence

now drier than a drought

they no longer mean a thing

they feel as heavy as boulders

in my barren chest

making it harder and harder to exist

in this haphazard world

my days have all become dreary and bleak

i feel like a mere sack of bones

waiting to be washed away by the untamed tide

my bruises smart every other day

fingernails digging into my wounds

but wholly numb on other days

as if i were paralyzed

i ache until i don’t and

then i ache some more

i’m slipping through the cracks unnoticed

the calcium supporting my bones

feels like it is crumbling

and i am about to tumble into a heap

perhaps they’ll see how broken i am

when i make a loud thud on the ground

because i am certain they are now unaware

as they keep adding more weight to my shoulders

my body is worn out and drained

my soul and the skin carrying it are sapped

i am still trying to clean away

the cobwebs of forgotten things

things that will only be remembered by me

of his soul and the skin carrying it

and the bruises imprinted on both

i want to run my hands through his hair

and listen to him speak softly

about all that is wrong in his haphazard world

but i am uneasy and i fear that

he will realize that my soul is maimed

that i have a constant lump in my throat

as a result of the words and tears i have had to swallow

i hope he doesn’t taste the decay on my lips

i hope the butterflies that once resided in my gut

regain consciousness

i hope the flowers that were once clung

to each and every one of my veins

are nurtured

because i don’t want this love to be lost and

i want to care for the boy

with the golden soul and mind

messy dark hair and mellow brown eyes

your head held up so high

the tip of your nose almost touching the clouds

acting all high and mighty

strutting around so arrogantly like god himself

i know you detest every fiber of your being

and that you dream of a love

more intense than the hate you have for yourself

you are the kind of tired sleep does not cure

and i know that the only peace

you will ever find is when

you lay your head on the chest of the girl you love

you search frantically but you cannot find

security in the four walls that surround you

so you have grown accustomed to

not making home of people and places

because nothing is permanent

everything you have ever loved

has shredded your golden soul apart

you are a wrecked ruin

but the kind of ruin that makes one stop

in their tracks when they come across you

you are a broken soul

and you say that you do not know how to love

but frankly i can see

that love is all you have ever known

my tears print the words

i could have never dared to utter

on my cheeks and erase all of your once tender kisses

my knuckles are clutched so tight they’re white

to refrain from shaking uncontrollably

as they so often do at the thought of you

i can hear your soft voice keeping me up till dawn

your captivating presence had become so commonplace

i can nearly still feel it here

and now that you are gone i am a little lost without you

i find you everywhere i go

in every nook and cranny

in the crack of the sidewalk and in the rain

i have grown used to loving you

and i do not know how not to

it must but it does not resonate with me

that you are nothing but a mere wraith

i must repeat it everyday to remind myself

that you are nothing but a wraith

nothing but a wraith

into something else

if i keep trapping it within me

something monstrous and inhumane

it is clawing at me

making my blood seethe

my lungs feel clutched

and it is crushing my bones

it might eat me alive and i shall let it do so

because the fire within me

once kept me and everyone else warm

but it would now burn

years ago i used to tell you

to close your eyes and count to ten

as i used to do my disappearing act

you’d open your eyes

and let out an exclamation in superficial awe

wondering where i went

mama i am all grown up now

and my soul is crumbling

my rage will only ever be expressed

in my trembling hands

the words i want to say tumble from my tongue

and form a lump in my throat

i am withdrawn and

you cannot see me letting go

i am performing a disappearing act once more

with your eyes wide open

but you can’t seem to notice me disappearing

this is a disappearing act

one does not come back from

you will not be able to have me back

when my soul is decayed and rotten

all that is sunny and warm is gone

its breeze is crisp and biting

glacial just like you

yet autumn is a season

as stunning as can be

breathtaking just like you

the green leaves on the mighty trees

fall and wither and get stepped on

just like me

the day is short-lived and

the darkness comes along abruptly

pitch black just like you

the pitter patter of the rain

is appealing when one has shelter

but piercing when one is exposed to it

just like you

i believe that you, my darling have

a bit more september in you than the rest of us

as my head was pressed against your chest

i discovered that i have never felt safer

i found home as my fingertips

were absentmindedly caressing your rugged collarbone

touching you

the mere knowledge that the bones under my fingers belonged to you

made me feel whole

i found home in your mellow voice

as you were singing me to sleep

i found home in your kiss

but i could only taste weariness on your lips

i can not make home of a heart

that does not know how to love

and you could not love me

your fingertips grazing my cheeks

and your hands intertwined in mine

i am lonesome for you

the echo of your voice still lingers here

and i am not certain i want it to leave

i long for your presence more than anything

but all that remains is the memories

i am quietly but fiercely yearning

i am rotting as i sit here

waiting for you to come back

i am crumbling wordlessly

knowing you will not come back

let me explore your brown eyes

and the mellowness of your fingertips on my skin

let me inch slowly and gently into your soul

as we let this disaster begin

unravel my secrets and i yours

unlock and enter all my bolted doors

plunge into the depths of my blue beaten heart

i’ll discover every scrap of your soul

we both know that it is torn apart but it is art

perhaps it is selfish but it is true

that i want to adhere your broken pieces like glue

but i am broken and so are you

i can only hope that this love

will not leave me more shattered

but if it will i can look back

and remember that you were all that mattered

so please be gentle

and please be kind

do not tell me that you love me

and then leave me behind

please be tender

and please be soft

i don’t want this love to be lost

when you gaze at me

with your profound brown eyes

what am i to do other than

fall further in love with you

the tip of your fingertips on my skin

sends shivers down my spine

the sound of your voice

enflames a fire in my chest

i never knew even existed

you presence is so incredibly consuming

my voice can’t help but soften

and my hands can’t help but slightly shake

when you’re around

falling in love with you

is slowly but fiercely devouring me

and i am welcoming it