Delilah-Mae

“Life, he says, doesn’t have to be so bad all the time. We don’t have to be anxious about everything. We can just be. We can get up, anticipate that the day will probably have a few good moments and a few bad ones, and then just deal with it. Take it all in and deal as best we can.”

Many strong girls have similar stories: They were socially isolated and lonely in adolescence. Smart girls are often the girls most rejected by peers. Their strength is a threat and they are punished for being different. Girls who are unattractive or who don’t worry about their appearance are scorned. This isolation is often a blessing because it allows girls to develop a strong sense of self. Girls who are isolated emerge from adolescence more independent and self-sufficient than girls who have been accepted by others. Strong girls may protect themselves by being quiet and guarded so that their rebellion is known by only a few trusted others. They may be cranky and irascible and keep critics at a distance so that only people who love them know what they are up to. They may have the knack of shrugging off the opinions of others or they may use humor to deflect the hostility that comes their way.

…I was calm on the outside but thinking all the time.

You have to find the right distance between people. Too close, and they overwhelm you, too far and they abandon you.

Persephone had it right. If you must go, might as well take all of spring with you—

On the day that I meet the man I’m going to marry I will probably sleep past my alarm, trip over my shoes out the door, and stop at the grocery store on the way to work because I forgot that today is my day to bring breakfast. he’ll be there picking out fruit or cereal and when he says hello I’ll just look at him and say, “I’m really sorry you have to meet me this way.” as I try to fix my hair and adjust my shirt. we’ll probably exchange numbers and drink coffee at some shitty diner the following night. we’ll laugh about how we met, me running into him as I turned an aisle too quick. he’ll tell me that there is something different about me, he’ll notice how I hold my coffee, how I stare into space and swear I’m paying attention. he’ll probably notice right off the bat that I have a hard time sitting still and mid sentence I’ll interrupt him to say, “let’s go buy a tent. let’s camp outside tonight.” I’ll notice how he looks at me with curiosity, how his eyes grow big when I answer in excitement, how he keeps reaching for my hand but is too shy to grab it (I make the first move to put him out of his misery) I keep track of how many times he fidgets with his watch, I note that he doesn’t like too much cream in his coffee, I chip in that I like a little coffee with my cream. we’ll probably go back to my house and watch the candles flicker shadows against the wall. I’ll probably look at my bed and remember the nights I felt so lonely and look back at him and smile when he asks if I too have been looking in all the wrong places for someone just like him.