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I want to normalize the fact that not everybody finds somebody. That not everyone falls in love and has a soul mate and has this great big romance. I want to normalize that some people never get married, never stay in a long term relationship, shit never even have one single romantic relationship. I want to normalize the fact that some people live by themselves forever and stay single for their entire lives and that it’s OKAY. That it’s not a tragedy, that it’s not depressing, that you’re not unlovable just because you aren’t loved in a romantic sense by someone. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in love with romance, I think it’s an unendingly beautiful and interesting thing to read about, to watch happen. But it needs to stop being exalted as the epitome of living. Our main purpose for living. Because it’s not. 

I used to think that it was, I really did truly and deeply believe that there is someone for everyone out there (in a romantic sense.) But I’m slowly learning that’s not the case. And what I’m realizing is that when you say to someone, “I don’t think everyone has a romantic somebody out there.” You get a lot of pitying looks. People respond with “wow that’s cynical.” “Stop being so negative.” “Aw, sweetie there will be someone for you one day, just be patient.” But WHY does that have to be a cynical outlook? WHY does that have to be a negative thing to say? WHY should people look at me with pity when I say that? 

When I sat down and really gave some thought to it, as objectively as I could, I found there really is nothing wrong with living a perpetually single life. I have great friends, a great family - all of whom I deeply love and who deeply love me back. There is no lack of love in my life. There is a lack of romance but is that really such a tragedy for me? The answer is quickly becoming a resounding no. 

But when I let my emotions trickle in…that’s another story. Society has beat it into my head that there is something deeply wrong and incorrect about my life if I have no romance and I have dealt with  deeply painful feelings of inadequacy and major self-worth issues as a result.

I NEED this to be normalized so I can stop feeling like it’s a tragedy, that it’s depressing, that there’s something wrong with me. 

If I end up with romance in my life - wonderful. 

If I don’t end up with romance in my life - wonderful. 

“May I hug you?”

“When I ask you if you want to do something, you know it’s always okay to say no, right?”

“Let me know if you get uncomfortable, okay?”

“How do you feel about (x activity)?”

“I’m disappointed, of course, but I’m really glad you were willing to tell me (no/that you were uncomfortable/etc.). Thank you.”

“I care about you, so when something I do hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, I want to know, because I don’t like making you feel bad.”

“Wanna do (x)? It’s okay if not, but I think it would be (fun/worthwhile/prudent).”

(When starting a social phone call): “Hey, are you busy right now?”

(When confirming plans made earlier): “Hey, are you still up for doing (x) at (time) on (day)?”

“Can I vent a little about (x)?”

“Can I tell you something (gross/depressing)?”

“Are you comfortable talking about it?”

“Do you think you could talk me through this problem I’ve been having? If you have the time and emotional energy of course.”

“It’s okay if that doesn’t work for you.”

“I’m interested in spending more time with you. Would you be interested in doing (x) together on (y day)?”

“No? Well let me know if you ever want to do something else.” (leave it open! don’t nag! let it go!)

Consent culture - it’s about way more than just sex!

Give people as much freedom as possible to make their own choices without pressure or control.

Even children deserve as much autonomy as allows them to remain safe and get their needs met - remember, you can’t train a child to make good/safe/healthy choices without ever giving them choices. A child who is taught to respect consent is a child who doesn’t assault people! A child who knows they have a right to say no is a child who knows that someone who infringes on their autonomy isn’t supposed to do that.

Oh, dear Anonymous Concern Troll, if I can call you that?

 You know the biggest negative I face EVERY SINGLE DAY? People like you.

The people who assume that just because I’m fat, I have health issues related to my weight.

That I suffer.

That I cannot possibly be happy.

EVERY SINGLE DAY. I can’t escape you. You’re like a bad case of bed bugs that I cannot eradicate. Pecking and sucking my life blood away hoping for some sort of impact?

EVERY SINGLE DAY you are out there making assumptions based upon some knowledge of so-and-so who has an issue or you read a study that said morbidly obese people are ____.

Do I know super fat people who are struggling?? Heck yes I do. Some are seriously ill. Some are in pain every day. Some are very unhappy.

But, you know, what?? I know quite a few of us super fat people that are doing pretty well, living genuine lives, productively aiding society, and are pretty happy on the whole. And I know thin people who are ill, in pain and unhappy. A lot of them! I’m guessing that both fat and thin people would be aided by the elimination of external negativity that appears EVERY SINGLE DAY in their lives.

When I was in high school, my mom received calls from the school nurse. They told Mom that unless I lost weight, I would never amount to anything, never have a decent job, and never get married. I didn’t know at the time that Mom got those yearly doomsday calls about me. She kept that pain to herself until such a point that she was dying from emphysema and I was taking care of her.

You cannot FATHOM the disdain I had for the woman who made those calls at the moment I heard. Can you even imagine being a parent and receiving that phone call? The nurse was one of those people who EVERY SINGLE DAY, under the guise of being concerned, were really doing ill. At the time, I was getting great grades, editor of the school yearbook, president of the Thespians who acted in many plays, lived like a ‘straight edge’, and I was over 350lbs.

I was a pretty accomplished high schooler. So, *I* was the one that was not going to accomplish anything?!

My best best response to that nurse?? Proving her wrong. It is some 30 years later, and I have had a great career, and I have had several great relationships with wonderful, talented, amazingly intelligent men. I have friends, several who are past loves, who I know have my back as strongly as I have theirs. I’ve traveled, risked, created, aided and influenced others, and made some great memories along the way.

I’m not done yet at 46, but I don’t think that my fat has led me to a failed existence thus far. So, middle finger extended to the school nurse and to the rest of you who are there EVERY SINGLE DAY providing a negative spotlight on my existence.

(2) Each time, nothing had changed - but for some reason, he put me on metformin, told me to cut my calories down to 1,500 a day, and to completely drop carbs from my diet. I previously had an ED when I was a teen, by the by. I got extremely, intensely ill. Several months of this passed and he wouldn’t change it - on top of daily migraines that lasted 6-10 hours, sometimes the whole day, and severe pain in my bones and joints. Finally, I got fed up with it and realized we were going nowhere.

(3) I decided to hopto another doctor in a different clinic. They set me up with a nursepractitioner. She was so, so good. She actually asked about my symptoms. Shetouched me when examining me. She listened to me - and she took a whole bunchof blood from me. She found out that I had signs of an autoimmune disease andhypothyroidism. They sent me to a few specialists, and found out I have severerheumatoid arthritis, and likely several other AI diseases.

(4) I’m now onsynthetic thyroid meds and medication to control my RA (and off themetformin!). I no longer get migraines with nearly such frequency, I’m not innearly as much pain, and I’m not piss-terrified of going to the doctor anymore.She actually listens to me. I’m so, so glad I switched. She stands up for meand my health and she treated me better than any doctor I’ve ever had. I knowit’s a pain in the ass and hard, but It’s worth trying to find someone tobetter suit your needs.

Pretend for a moment that I’m your older sister, aunt, cousin, friend…whoever. I call you by the name and pronouns you like. I never comment on your body or eating. I never make you feel unsafe or unloved or weird. I am your biggest cheerleader. I just live really far away.

Stop what you’re doing.

Canadian lynx also do the thing that house cats do where they stop grooming with their leg stuck in the air.

My five-year-old daughter Alice Bee decided that she REALLY wanted to dress as Hillary Clinton for Halloween this year, so my wife Jen and I decided to support her decision by wearing Secret Service costumes as we escorted her through the neighborhood.

I wasn’t initially planning to publicly post this image.  Despite the fact that I have managed to maintain a fairly modest career by creating and posting fake family photos to social media, this image, like 99% of my actual family photography, was intended to be personal and private–a fun way for our family to memorialize an important moment in our daughter’s life.

My daughter’s fascination with Hillary Clinton began many months ago, when she and the rest of her pre-K class learned that no woman had ever been elected to our nation’s highest office.  I would later learn that her entire class (girls AND boys) were completely flummoxed by this concept–it had never occurred to any of them that this was even a possibility.  Alice came home from school that day with a laser-like focus:

“Daddy, Daddy! Who are you going to vote for for President?”

It was about two weeks to go until the primary, and I was momentarily caught off guard. Up until that point, neither Jen nor I had even mentioned the election to Alice, but here she was excitedly awaiting my response about a race for which I was still undecided.

“Ummm, who do YOU think I should vote for?”

“Hillary! Hillary Clinton! Please? Please?”

“Hillary, huh? Why do you want me to vote for Hillary?”

“Because she’ll be the first Girl President! You HAVE to vote for her!”

“OK, we’ll see,” I replied, giving my standard Dad response.  

I was immediately envious of my young daughter’s uncomplicated view of the election. She obviously hadn’t been paying any attention at all to social media. She apparently didn’t know or care about Hillary’s Iraq War vote. Or her speeches to Wall Street. Or her use of a private email server. Or any of the other thirty years’ worth of critique from both the right and the left.

Five-year-olds (well, at least the five-year-olds I know) are constantly complaining about things not being fair.  In most cases, this is not actually the case—it’s just a standard complaint used to try to have cake as the main course for dinner or to not have to wear underwear to school.  I’ve often wondered how my kid will respond when she eventually learns about how unfair some things can actually be in the real world.  Will she respond with jaded cynicism, citing the inherent unfairness of the system as an excuse when she fails at something? Will she objectively recognize her own somewhat privileged background and neither take it for granted nor negatively judge others who come from different circumstances?  Will she stand up for those who have less, for those against whom the system can often actually be rigged?  Only time will tell who she will become, but for now, it’s a real pleasure to view the world through the eyes of someone who has been blessedly sheltered from the shitty way many Americans seem to be treating one another these days.

So in addition to the envy I felt about her enthusiastically simple view of the election, I was also incredibly proud of my daughter in that moment.  She had just learned something ugly about American history, and her response was immediate and proactive.  Instead of getting upset, she decided she wanted do something about it, to fix what she saw as a wrong. It’s been months since she learned about this, and her enthusiasm has not waned for one second.  She has asked each one of her grandparents who they are voting for and demanded their allegiance for the first “Girl President”.  At a work dinner with some of Jen’s Pentagon colleagues, Alice cornered one of the guests in the kitchen and struck up a conversation about the election.  Even when I told her that she was very likely speaking to a tough crowd, she would not be deterred. I am in constant awe of her tenacity.

I consider myself a political independent, but I currently live in a state where pretty much anything worth voting on gets decided in the Democratic primary.   So, on the day of this year’s primary, Alice Bee spied my “I Voted” sticker and immediately demanded that I reveal who I had supported.

Looking down at her, I cocked an eyebrow and replied, “Who do YOU think I voted for?”

“Hillary?” she excitedly asked. “Did you vote for her?”

I gave her a small nod, and she flung her arms around me in a fierce hug.  “Thank you, Daddy! Thank you! I just know she’s going to win!”

That was the exact moment when I realized that not only was I was actually proud of my vote, but that Alice Bee’s oversimplified view of the election was the right way for me to think positively about this election as well. Alice’s unwavering enthusiasm and cheerleading has been the one bright spot for me in what has otherwise been an exhausting, mentally draining and dispiriting time.

So I created this image last week and was planning to keep it just for our family’s amusement.  And then I showed it to a few friends. And then a few more.  And a few more after that. And across the board the image and the story behind it made them smile, or laugh, or express appreciation for such a simple, inspiring view of the election.  If my social media stream is any indication, everyone is exhausted by the constant flood of negative articles, vitriolic memes, and unsubstantiated fake news items that litter our feeds on an hourly basis. I know it may seem a bit Pollyannaish on my part, but if our family’s fun can make even a small handful of people smile or see something positive about this entire gross election season or to feel good about their decision to vote, then maybe we should share this with everyone.

The problem is that I’m afraid.  This is a time when everything has become hyper-politicized, and there are unfortunately way too many examples of mean-spirited trolls hatefully attacking anything they see as counter to their own worldview, including multiple very real examples of attacks and even death threats against children who express an opinion or whose parents do or say something that the trolls don’t agree with.  It’s a scary time, and even though I’d like to think that I’m personally brave enough to stand up against such hatred, it’s really hard for me to stomach the thought of some asshole creating horrific imagery about my family or making a death threat because I’m proud that my idealistic five-year-old chose to dress up as her hero for Halloween.

So, I decided to ask Alice Bee what she thought.  I explained that if we posted this image, a LOT of people would see it.  I told her that it would probably make some people very happy, but there would also likely be a number of mean people who would write or say nasty things about me, her mom, or even Alice herself.

“Why would they do that?” she asked.  “That’s just mean.”

“I know it is, but unfortunately, that’s what’s happening right now.  People are being really, really mean to one another when they don’t agree on things.”

She was quiet for a minute, and then I asked her again if we should share it, even though some people would probably say mean things about us.

“Who cares?” was her response. “I want people to see it.”

Watch: Danielle Brooks just hit home why fashion companies need to wake up and realize they should be catering to plus size women

Don’t worry, it wasn’t just a (much needed) speech about the economy for the Orange Is The New Black actress. She also talked about what it was like to become the face of plus size fashion in a new ad campaign. It gets emotional.

Gifs: Refinery29