World's Best Father

I used to carry Alice Bee on my shoulders all the time.  Everywhere we went, she’d beg to “go up high” and I would happily oblige.  But before yesterday, I can’t remember the last time I carried her for any significant amount of time.The past six years have rapidly sped up the deterioration of my body, plus she’s already taller than my mom and currently weighs just south of a thousand pounds. But when she wanted to go up high in order to have a better vantage point to photograph yesterday’s Women’s March on Washington, I couldn’t say no.  All of the following images, with the exception of the final one, were taken by Alice Bee.

I firmly believe that protest is an important part of our democracy, and I find nothing more deplorable or downright un-American than those who seek to shame or silence others from making their voices heard.  Our country was founded in protest, and one of the most important events in the founding of our nation involved the willful destruction of British property.  

Even though I’m a big supporter of public protest in principle, I personally don’t really care much for marches and rallies.  I don’t like crowds, and I’m not particularly adept at all the chanting and singing one is expected to do at these types of things. I’m also always a little saddened by the “Legalize Hemp” guy that inevitably seems to show up, no matter what the actual cause. 

Despite this aversion, my personal and professional path has put me at dozens of protests, rallies, and marches over the past 25 years. But what my family and I experienced yesterday was unlike any other event of this type I have ever personally witnessed.

We were in the middle of a sea of over half a million people, mostly women, who were there to make their voices heard and show their support for one another--half a million people who were angry, scared, and horrified by the words and promises of a man who has shown little respect at all for girls or women.  And yet, this was the most supportive, positive, excited, happy crowd I’ve ever experienced at an event of protest.  To me, it felt less like a typical protest and more like that scene when all the Whos in Whoville got together to sing even though the Grinch had done everything he could to crush their spirits.

I have no doubt that there will be other, less peaceful forms of protest and resistance over the next four years, but the tone and outpouring of support yesterday felt like exactly what was needed at this moment in time.

Our family was out at dinner the night before the march and we noticed a large group of women all wearing pink hand-knitted cat ear hats at the table next to us.  I asked Jen if she thought we should talk to Alice about why so many women at the march would be wearing these “pussyhats.”

“I already did,” Jen replied.

“Really? So what’d you tell her?” 

“The truth.  Why? What would you have told her?” “Anything but THAT!” was my first thought, but I immediately realized that Jen was right. 

I definitely would have preferred that neither of us have to explain to our six-year-old daughter how that word has another connotation. But since we now live in a country where 62 million people decided that a horny man’s pathetic claims of grabbing women against their consent was not an immediate disqualification to be President, I guess we have to start having these conversations earlier.

Somehow, in the middle of half a million people, we managed to find some old friends who had brought their three amazing daughters down from Philadelphia.  Alice is fascinated by teenagers and young women, so she was completely in heaven hanging out with them for the day.

Afterwards, when I asked Alice what her favorite part of the march was, she immediately replied “The big girls!”   

I think she’s right--that was my favorite part, too.  Seeing all the “big girls” of every age who decided they couldn’t stay silent, that they needed to support one another and provide hope, motivation, and courage was absolutely inspiring.  I’m glad that we could help Alice Bee understand that even though she’s an only child, she actually has millions of sisters around the world. 

This Thanksgiving I am, as always, thankful that my family and I have the privilege of living in the United States of America.  I am so grateful we live in a country that, no matter who is in office, allows me and all of my fellow citizens to freely speak up and speak out without fear of imprisonment or worse.  During a time when so many are feeling alienated, afraid, angry, and worried about the future, I am grateful to our nation’s founders for their first amendment to our Constitution.  So, along those lines, here is a list of some of the people for whom I am most thankful this year:

I am thankful for those who have the strength to speak out even when they are afraid that stating their opinions may bring criticism, disdain, or threats of violence upon themselves or their families.

I am also thankful for those who have chosen not to speak out yet, not because they are afraid or indifferent, but because they are still absorbing, contemplating, and figuring out what they can say or do that might actually be helpful or effective.  

I am thankful for those who share thoughtful, well-reasoned, fact-based arguments and who do not post articles based solely on a headline that reinforces their own personal worldview.

I am thankful for those who have decided that posting an oversimplified or inflammatory meme is rarely the most effective way to make an argument or change minds.

I am thankful for those who fact-check or do a google search before sharing an article.

I am thankful for those on both sides of the political aisle who make their points without marginalizing, stereotyping, or vilifying entire segments of the population.

I am thankful for the loud chorus of voices determined to make sure that our great nation does not head down the dark path of tyranny, and I am particularly thankful for those who do so in a manner that does not invoke unnecessary violence or destruction of property.

I am thankful for those who have resisted the temptation to be smug about the outcome of the election.  My social media feed is full of people from the left and the right who have failed spectacularly at this, so I am particularly grateful to those who have chosen not to rub salt in the wounds of the many Americans who actually believed in and supported their candidate.

I am thankful for people who read about, listen to and try to understand viewpoints that are different than their own.  This is a very hard thing to do, and I appreciate those with the perseverance and integrity to do so.

I am thankful for people of all religious backgrounds who, regardless of their political leanings, plan to speak out against and stand up to hatred and persecution in all forms.  It is far easier to mock or point out alleged hypocrisy than to stand up for those with whom one may not agree politically, so I am thankful for those who plan to use the teachings of their faith to help rather than to marginalize.

I am thankful for those who respond to critique with thoughtful introspection rather than instantaneous and emphatic denial.

I am thankful for those who resist the urge to publicly leave accusatory or inflammatory comments on others’ posts, who instead reach out to the individual privately to try and engage in an actual conversation.

I am thankful for all who take the time to imagine themselves in the shoes of those with whom they may disagree or have little in common.

I am thankful for those who do not deflect or distract when presented with an uncomfortable truth about their worldview, for all who avoid immediately responding to any critique with “Yeah, but the other side is doing this awful thing…”

I am thankful for those who try to think about how their words and actions may impact others around them before they speak or post.

My five-year-old daughter Alice Bee decided that she REALLY wanted to dress as Hillary Clinton for Halloween this year, so my wife Jen and I decided to support her decision by wearing Secret Service costumes as we escorted her through the neighborhood.

I wasn’t initially planning to publicly post this image.  Despite the fact that I have managed to maintain a fairly modest career by creating and posting fake family photos to social media, this image, like 99% of my actual family photography, was intended to be personal and private--a fun way for our family to memorialize an important moment in our daughter’s life.

My daughter’s fascination with Hillary Clinton began many months ago, when she and the rest of her pre-K class learned that no woman had ever been elected to our nation’s highest office.  I would later learn that her entire class (girls AND boys) were completely flummoxed by this concept--it had never occurred to any of them that this was even a possibility.  Alice came home from school that day with a laser-like focus:

“Daddy, Daddy! Who are you going to vote for for President?”

It was about two weeks to go until the primary, and I was momentarily caught off guard. Up until that point, neither Jen nor I had even mentioned the election to Alice, but here she was excitedly awaiting my response about a race for which I was still undecided.

“Ummm, who do YOU think I should vote for?”

“Hillary! Hillary Clinton! Please? Please?”

“Hillary, huh? Why do you want me to vote for Hillary?”

“Because she’ll be the first Girl President! You HAVE to vote for her!”

“OK, we’ll see,” I replied, giving my standard Dad response.  

I was immediately envious of my young daughter’s uncomplicated view of the election. She obviously hadn’t been paying any attention at all to social media. She apparently didn’t know or care about Hillary’s Iraq War vote. Or her speeches to Wall Street. Or her use of a private email server. Or any of the other thirty years’ worth of critique from both the right and the left.

Five-year-olds (well, at least the five-year-olds I know) are constantly complaining about things not being fair.  In most cases, this is not actually the case—it’s just a standard complaint used to try to have cake as the main course for dinner or to not have to wear underwear to school.  I’ve often wondered how my kid will respond when she eventually learns about how unfair some things can actually be in the real world.  Will she respond with jaded cynicism, citing the inherent unfairness of the system as an excuse when she fails at something? Will she objectively recognize her own somewhat privileged background and neither take it for granted nor negatively judge others who come from different circumstances?  Will she stand up for those who have less, for those against whom the system can often actually be rigged?  Only time will tell who she will become, but for now, it’s a real pleasure to view the world through the eyes of someone who has been blessedly sheltered from the shitty way many Americans seem to be treating one another these days.

So in addition to the envy I felt about her enthusiastically simple view of the election, I was also incredibly proud of my daughter in that moment.  She had just learned something ugly about American history, and her response was immediate and proactive.  Instead of getting upset, she decided she wanted do something about it, to fix what she saw as a wrong. It’s been months since she learned about this, and her enthusiasm has not waned for one second.  She has asked each one of her grandparents who they are voting for and demanded their allegiance for the first “Girl President”.  At a work dinner with some of Jen’s Pentagon colleagues, Alice cornered one of the guests in the kitchen and struck up a conversation about the election.  Even when I told her that she was very likely speaking to a tough crowd, she would not be deterred. I am in constant awe of her tenacity.

I consider myself a political independent, but I currently live in a state where pretty much anything worth voting on gets decided in the Democratic primary.   So, on the day of this year’s primary, Alice Bee spied my “I Voted” sticker and immediately demanded that I reveal who I had supported.

Looking down at her, I cocked an eyebrow and replied, “Who do YOU think I voted for?”

“Hillary?” she excitedly asked. “Did you vote for her?”

I gave her a small nod, and she flung her arms around me in a fierce hug.  “Thank you, Daddy! Thank you! I just know she’s going to win!”

That was the exact moment when I realized that not only was I was actually proud of my vote, but that Alice Bee’s oversimplified view of the election was the right way for me to think positively about this election as well. Alice’s unwavering enthusiasm and cheerleading has been the one bright spot for me in what has otherwise been an exhausting, mentally draining and dispiriting time.

So I created this image last week and was planning to keep it just for our family’s amusement.  And then I showed it to a few friends. And then a few more.  And a few more after that. And across the board the image and the story behind it made them smile, or laugh, or express appreciation for such a simple, inspiring view of the election.  If my social media stream is any indication, everyone is exhausted by the constant flood of negative articles, vitriolic memes, and unsubstantiated fake news items that litter our feeds on an hourly basis. I know it may seem a bit Pollyannaish on my part, but if our family’s fun can make even a small handful of people smile or see something positive about this entire gross election season or to feel good about their decision to vote, then maybe we should share this with everyone.

The problem is that I’m afraid.  This is a time when everything has become hyper-politicized, and there are unfortunately way too many examples of mean-spirited trolls hatefully attacking anything they see as counter to their own worldview, including multiple very real examples of attacks and even death threats against children who express an opinion or whose parents do or say something that the trolls don’t agree with.  It’s a scary time, and even though I’d like to think that I’m personally brave enough to stand up against such hatred, it’s really hard for me to stomach the thought of some asshole creating horrific imagery about my family or making a death threat because I’m proud that my idealistic five-year-old chose to dress up as her hero for Halloween.

So, I decided to ask Alice Bee what she thought.  I explained that if we posted this image, a LOT of people would see it.  I told her that it would probably make some people very happy, but there would also likely be a number of mean people who would write or say nasty things about me, her mom, or even Alice herself.

“Why would they do that?” she asked.  “That’s just mean.”

“I know it is, but unfortunately, that’s what’s happening right now.  People are being really, really mean to one another when they don’t agree on things.”

She was quiet for a minute, and then I asked her again if we should share it, even though some people would probably say mean things about us.

“Who cares?” was her response. “I want people to see it.”

“Do you want your breakfast in bed this morning?”

“What?  Why are you waking me up? What time is it anyway?”

“08:00”

“It’s Father’s Day.  I thought you were supposed to let me sleep in.”

“We did let you sleep in. Alice and I have been up for over an hour.  So, do you want breakfast in bed?”