Note to self
I’ve finally come to the conclusion that all of my triumphs, failures, and follies are cyclical in nature. First I Achieve something,a great test grade, hatching a shiny pokemon, having a good day at work etc. This directly correlates with phase two of the perpetual failure cycle: a surge of confidence. That’s all it is, a surge; a quick burst if you will. During this brief period I have the tenacity to take on the world, and I typically make a complete ass of myself in the process. Most often it involves flirting or talking to a girl I typically have no chance of ever furthering any sort of relationship with. The next step in this cycle of dumbassedness is a sharp decline in morale and a waning sense of self-worth. Imagine a round of flappy bird, phase 2 would be a rapid tapping ascent, and phase 3 would the eventual crash into a pipe with a negative undefined slope. I will binge and inflict self-harm to a certain degree. Phase 3 manifests all of my insecurities and it honestly feels like I’m under assault. This portion of the cycle can last anywhere from a few days to a week or so. I’m literally stuck in a rut. I resign in the fact that there is nothing i can do but wait for the next win. but that’s the thing I’m TIRED of waiting. I am literally sick and tired of just passively waiting for the next win. I need to break the cycle. I WILL break the cycle.
First of all I’d like to reference the quote: “Success is never final, and failure isn’t fatal”, it’s all about hitting that sweet spot of continually striving for success and not letting the little things bring you down. You strike out with a girl, fuck it, you still have about 500 million other feasible options in the world. Did you have a shitty day at work, a day so shitty that you want to claw your eyes out and eat them? Use that as your new canon for what a terrible day is really like. It can literally go nowhere but up at that point. So I suppose I’m finally at a point in my life where i’m done looking at the really stupid mistakes and using those as a deterrent to the future that I want(and know that i’m capable of achieving). Seriously you can’t lose every single time, it’s statistically improbable. So grab life by the balls and make it your bitch.
It’s simple to say that I will get better and everything will be better. So i’ve broken down the aspects of my good periods and there are typically a few set things that tend to perk me up:
-REALLY INTENSE FIGHTS IN ANIME. The ones that have so much build up and intensity that your get chills and erupt with little squeels here and there.
-working out. I know the whole you need to do it for yourself and shit because you’re the only person that matters in the long run. bullllshiiieeeeettttttttt! You gotta do it for Her. Not one specific girl, but for the potential of having that one in a million dream girl. It might be something that will always remain as simple as a placid fantasy, but the potential for a relationship is out there.Honestly, if you want the the total package, isn’t it fair that someone wants the same in return? Endorphins and bursts of dopamine are pretty enjoyable as well. I would also enjoy an extra decade or so added to my life expectancy.
-Singing in my car
-Talking to people that are “out of my league”.
-Doing simple, nice things for people.
-eating cake, which directly contradicts the working out thing…who cares its cake!
Hmmm I have this really bad habit of going into a relationship (platonic/romantic) with a fucked up mind set that I have to lose my virginity. As if it’s like the antithesis of the Scarlet A. It’s as if people automatically assume I am and belittle me for it. It’s a douchey way of going through life and that’s something I’m working on as well.
okay that’s it, i’m done. go back to ignoring me again
jk please don’t do that, leave me stuff in my inbox or whatever, just something…



















