the Quiet Queer

i have been depressed since i was about 10 years old. that’s 20+ years of my life i have spent with this dark dark weight over me. i am basically a more depressing eeyore…

of course i’ve had my ups. most of the time those are manic episodes (lmao bipolar what’s up). but for the most part? if i’m not darkly sad, i’m apathetic to the point where i’ll spend months in bed.

this led to a lot of hygiene issues like not showering for weeks, not brushing my teeth for almost as long, and not cleaning whatsoever. the amount of times i’ve had to just completely buy all new dishes and cookware is really fucking sad.

a big wake up call was my niece spent a ton of time cleaning my basement (i live in the basement with her part time and my sister lives in the main part of the house for context). i was at work and she was like “asher, you need to be taking care of this shit”

and it was incredibly embarrassing and humbling and since then i’ve been mildly better at cleaning.

another wake up call? my mom heavily encouraged me to go to a recovery/treatment center a few months ago. i was there for 3 weeks and learned a lot of shit and had a lot of shit brought back up for me. and since then? i’ve been doing mildly better.

then i got into a relationship built on lies and you know what it resulted in besides a ridiculous fucking breakup?

i feel lighter than i have in decades. i genuinely want to keep on top of my cleaning (my basement is clean rn!!!!!) and my hygiene and my animals’ care.

like admittedly my dog and 2 cats suffered from my complete apathy as well. and they made this known through behavioral issues and stuff i’m ashamed of (like finding fleas in the litter box and my dog getting a bladder infection and me not cleaning up her messes because she couldn’t make it 4 hours without needing to go out so while i slept she obvi made a mess)

for everyone’s concern because animals: they’re so well taken care of now. no fleas to be found lol which is great because kiwi is allergic to them (and most topical flea treatments). daphne is spoiled again. kai isn’t peeing wherever he wants. kiwi is kiwi. like what can i say about her except she’s fucking perfect?

just. things got really bad y’all. in a way i never expected. in a way that i am fully ashamed of. and i will never return to that. i’m not doing that to my animals, my family, my friends, or myself again.

all this to say, i’m feeling very proud of my last 2 weeks. i’ve been actually cooking myself balanced meals, cleaning up messes day of, taking care of myself hygiene wise and physically by walking with my dog instead of just letting her roam the yard by herself (for context: we have 5 acres of land so there’s plenty of walking i can do lol) and going to therapy more and i’m so on top of my meds for the first time ever. shoutout to one of my first psychiatrists who suggested i get a pill box and i rejected that idea hard. turns out yes thats what i needed lmao. oops.

i’ve been trying to stay on top of my relationships too. during this time i lost my best friend. the one who’s been next to me in life for 24 years. she didn’t die, she couldn’t see me do what i was doing to myself anymore and the hurt i caused to her by being an absent and shitty friend. like y’all this woman is my person. there will never be another her for me. ever. and thank fuuuuuuuck she gave me a second chance and we’re in such a healthier friendship all the way around and i get to see her kids grow up now 😭 a genuine thing i was heartbroken about missing btw.

and i’m thrilled my bestie gets to see this healing version of me. i met my bestie in the trenches tbh. for both of us. and the bond we formed through that and how she stuck with me even when i was actively trying to push her away will always stick with me. that person was there when everyone refused to be and for that, i’ll never not be beyond grateful.

she also gave me more friends??? i have a genuinely healthy friend group in person that i get to hangout with when our schedules align and we play dungeons and dragons and we’re beyond silly together and i get to be truly me.

i’m gonna cry lmao but i just. i’ve come so far and i’m proud of myself.

anyway

think about it