call me zart

zepp isn't any good at doing things for himself. he was the oldest child in his family and his parents were fairly often absent, which left him to be responsible for his siblings. he learned to always prioritize others over himself because he was, in addition, the least favorite child, and that's how he was taught. his parents hated him because he was no good in school, in sports, in social situations, or anything. (he had autism, but he was never taught what that was or why he was different from anybody else. he was just taught that he was wrong.)

even though zepp got away from his family, he still carries what he was taught. he tries to be kind, because he wants other people to feel appreciated like he never was, but he shuts down a little when he faces someone who's cruel or condescending to him. it makes him feel small again.

art came from a "loving" family, but they didn't love him as a person - just as a potential success in the family. his parents were always proud of him for his grades and encouraged him at every turn, but when it came to actual family bonding, there was nothing. art was set up to have friends, probably children of his parents' friends or just other kids his parents deemed successful and worthy of his friendship, but he was lonely. he never felt like himself.

one year, when art was sixteen, his parents took him on vacation, and he met a boy there, and i don't exactly know the details yet of what happened- planning to incorporate it into a fic!!- but he and this boy had a little fling, and his parents found out. (they either caught them kissing/something or later found letters they had exchanged that pointed towards what their relationship was like.)

art's parents wanted to set him up for success, but being queer would hinder that. art was sent to a conversion camp, where he lost his sense of self. years later, as we see him in the movie, he hasn't gotten that sense of self back. he's a shell of a person, he's the person his parents wanted him to be. he doesn't work for good, he just does what he needs to make money and be the ideal son. the few connections he forms with people are staged, they're just performances.

but how are they affected by their traps/joining the apprentices?

i think zepp is affected less than art. zepp probably thinks that he needs to stick up for himself more, he needs to not let himself be pushed around and ignored and walked all over, but he's too scared to really do that. he just gets quieter. he joins jigsaw more out of fear than anything, but he finds that he enjoys designing traps. he puts a lot of thought and effort into them, making sure they're both fair and relevant to the victim and the reason they're being tested. over time, zepp may grow to be more confident, but i'm not precisely sure how it would pan out.

art, however... the trap is a real wake-up call for him. during it, he tries to stay level-headed and logical, but as soon as it's over, he's a mess. he spends a good few days doing nothing, still reeling from everything that happened. once he's had a little time to recover, he thinks about his life. what has he accomplished? who is he? he doesn't feel sure.

art joins jigsaw because he knows whatever the trap did, it worked for him. but it takes him a while to really figure out what to do. he doesn't know who he is or what he should act like. he acts just as he always did- rude, condescending, indifferent towards others.

zepp, of course, feels inclined to shrink away from art's behavior. they have to work together on traps, but art is always mean. art is too focused on not forming a connection with the person he's talking to to understand that zepp is saddened by every rude thing he says.

one day, art decides he's taken enough time to change. he wants to be kinder. he wants to look at people, to see them, to speak with them. he wants to find out who he really is without forcing cruel words out of his mouth. when he next speaks to zepp, he notices for the first time how the other man almost seems scared of him.

it's a slow process, getting zepp to trust him. zepp isn't good at trusting people yet, and art isn't good at being trustworthy yet. but they form a connection that feels more real than anything either of them have felt before. zepp feels almost normal around art, and art finds a little part of himself unraveling and spilling out every time he speaks with zepp.

eventually, that little part of art that's always thought boys were just as pretty as girls resurfaces after years of being forced down, and he starts to look at zepp differently. he doesn't want to scare him off, so art sticks to other people. hookups, random men from the bar, anyone to calm his brain for an evening so he doesn't find himself calling zepp.

zepp hasn't ever felt romantic feelings before, so he doesn't know what it means, the way he feels for art. he does know that he wants to touch art, all the time. and he does. he doesn't find it weird or strange. he holds art's hand and rests his head on art's shoulder and does whatever he can to feel how warm and soft and comfortable art is.

art feels a little weird about all the touching, but he doesn't mind. he even reciprocates sometimes (albeit awkwardly). he loves being touched, but it just doesn't feel like enough to him. but he doesn't know how to ask for a more deep connection. he's terrified.