I go to seek a great perhaps.

I can honestly say that I never thought you would be someone that I missed, yet here I am thinking of you. I haven’t stopped thinking of you, really. My mind is literally like a prison and you’re the warden. Oh and it doesn’t help that you just got up and left without a word of explanation. One day the texts just stopped rolling in and you didn’t even so much as look at me in class, or through the hallways. The only word that registers in my mind anymore is “why?”

It feels like my chest is being stabbed and ripped wide open when I see you walking hand in hand with the one person who treats you like dirt, the one person that you declared to be the most evil, but I’m not stupid because the way you look at her is not with a look of hate.

So now I’m just wondering if anything that you told me was the truth and if you actually let me in on anything but a lie. It’s kind of crazy to me that you could sit across from me with the most honest looking eyes while I poured my soul out to you and then tell me things like I was one of the only people who you could trust with yours. Was any of it real? I wish that you would just look me in the eyes and tell me that you just messed with me, and explain to me why the fuck you’d do that. Tell me the reason that you walked into my life and decided to get me to open up to you only so that you could fill my head with your bullshit.

I don't know exactly how I'm feeling ever. I feel like a mess of a human being all of the time lately. Like at any second I may completely unravel. I live inside of my head, I'm that girl. I have so many thoughts flow through me and when I try to get them out they just refuse to leave. It's like they're stuck in the back of my throat and when I try and cough them up, nothing but blood comes.

You know how every person has one other person that can completely drive them insane? That one person that showed you that you were capable of feeling things that you didn't even believe were real. That one person that, god forbid ever walked out of your life would leave you incapable of breathing, like you were drowning and no one saw you fall in. Well my one person is gone, and I don't think I miss him anymore. Absolutely everything that I used to write, would be inspired by him. I would write for hours about how I literally could not breathe without this person, and how I didn't think I would ever be able to catch my breath again. I still can't catch my breath but I'm not sure he's the reason anymore. It scares me that when he talks to me I no longer feel anything, it scares me because I don't know if it's because he wasn't everything I thought he was or if it's because I'm starting to shut down; to become numb.

Lately I've just felt so lost. I keep trying to figure myself out, but I end up back at square one every single time. I don't even know who I am, yet I'm expected to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life in this next year? How am I supposed to make a decision that huge so soon? I'm not ready for that yet. I'm not ready for much.

My dream has been to become a journalist for pretty much my entire life, but how many journalists do you know that are making tons of money? However, instead of going to university and studying humanities and making my dream a reality, I could always just settle and go to college, become a medical secretary. Jobs would be easy to find, and money is comfortable. It's a practical thing to do right? But I don't want to become the person who dreads going to work every morning, and end up wondering what would have happened had I chose to follow my dream. I don't want to be the person who settled for something they weren't passionate about because their dream was too hard to achieve.

On the other hand I don't want to chase my dream, only to be punched in the stomach by reality when I can't find a job or make money in that area of study.

On top of a decision like that, I'm feeling a bunch of feelings for some guy that I first of all never thought would EVER be able to fill me with fluttering butterflies, and that second of all I don't even WANT to have feelings or butterflies of any kind for at all. I spend many nights trying to convince myself that I'm not attracted to him, or that I don't like his personality, and then I see him and boom! The fucking wind is knocked out of me. He makes me laugh so effortlessly, and spending time with him (no matter how much I don't want it to be) has become one of my favorite ways to spend my time. I really don't want for my heart to skip a beat whenever I see his name pop up on my phone, but it does, and I try my hardest to hate his big baby blue eyes, or the tons of freckles on his cheeks, but I don't hate them even a bit.

Why don't I want to have feelings for this guy? Well I'm fucking terrified that I'll figure out a way to fuck it up, again. Oh and here's a huge part of the reason: he has a girlfriend that he hasn't mentioned to me once yet. Why haven't I asked about her yet seems to be a question that I get a lot, and the answer is I don't really know. I don't think that I want him to bring her up to me, because that makes her real. Or maybe I just don't want him to bring her up because I know she's there and it gives me another reason why I shouldn't have feelings for him.

Maybe

Maybe the timing was wrong. Maybe we found out too much, too late. Maybe I'll see you down the road. Maybe it'll be in some coffee shop nestled in the corner of some gigantic city. Maybe you'll look older, have a few grey hair. Maybe I'll be wiser. Maybe you'll still take my breath away. Maybe I'll say hello. Maybe you'll smile. Maybe we'll catch up on years we've missed, even take a walk down memory lane. Maybe you'll take my heart again. Maybe this time you'll give me yours.

Do you ever wonder what your life is going to turn out like? I mean just sit and really wonder what your future holds for you. I do that so much lately. I mean I'm content with what I decided to go to school for, but it's not something that I dreamed of or anything. It's something that I know I can do, and that will pay the bills and help me live comfortably, but it's not something that I've wanted to do for all of my life.

I always figured that I'd be some kind of famous writer, whether it be an author or poet, I figured that people from all over would read the things that I'd written and feel the magic that I felt while writing them. Writing is something that I've always loved doing. Words made me feel comfortable my whole life, because I've always understood them.They are so much more than just words. They're communication, they're magical, they're beautiful. I love them, because each one has a precise meaning, and when strung together they create an understanding. 

I've come to the realization lately, that you can't push things. You can't try and make yourself do something that you aren't ready to do. You can't try and fall in love just cause you're lonely, just like you can't push yourself to write if you have nothing to write about, because instead of a masterpiece you'll get a mess. You have to let it flow.

I miss you. When I wake up, and even more so when I go to sleep. It's a cliche really, but a very true one. I can not get you out of my head. I think that if I didn't write these stupid little passages that I would ultimately explode. I try and convince myself that everything is better without you around, and that I'm completely done. But I don't believe myself. It's hard, you know? I wish it was as easy for me, as it was for you. I wish I could move on, and not think about you every waking second. I wish that I could feel about someone else the way I felt about you, someone who actually gives a shit about me.

I'm trying. I am interested in someone, from my past. He's not a stranger, and he's someone I was always attracted to. I think that maybe both him and myself are really different people than we used to be, so maybe something could happen, but maybe not. I'm trying to just see how it goes, which is harder than you'd think when you take every situation and think of the worst outcome possible and then have full faith that that is what's going to happen. I know that most people do it, but it sucks. I can't have a simple conversation without over thinking every little sentence. That sounds pretty crazy when you actually write it down. Maybe I am crazy, who knows?

I feel drained. Absolutely and completely just lifeless. I gave you everything that I had and then some. For four whole years of my life, my heart was totally unavailable to anyone but you, you had it, you owned my soul. I knew every single detail about you, from your head to your toes. You were my whole fucking solar system. It's been approximately two years that I've been trying to learn how to live without you, and I'm STILL trying to figure it out. I don't know how else to describe it, other than being under a spell, one that can't be broken.

I honestly miss every single detail about you, every single one. I miss you like the trees miss their leaves in the winter, and I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to go forward without you. The thought of never seeing or speaking to you ever again makes me physically ill, even though the request of our entire relationship ending was mine. But answer this: is it easier to grip on to mere fragments of a relationship that was once as strong as an anchor or to simply let them go and try to bury the fact that they ever happened deep inside of you? 

You were honestly everything that I cared about. You were my sun and my moon and the trees that let me breathe, and the rain that falls, you were everything. Now that you're gone I feel like I live in this void, like you took everything when you left.

Sometimes I think about what life would be like if I never met you. I wouldn't know what it feels like to have my heart broken if I hadn't ever met you. I wouldn't know how absolutely astonishing the pain is, how it feels like someone has literally punched you in the stomach with all of their might, stealing every last breath that you owned. I could not breathe, I could not move, I could not feel. I still have trouble breathing, it takes all of my strength to move, and I rarely feel anything. However, if I did not meet you, I would not have known what it feels like to truly love. I wouldn't know that your soul could feel warm and cozy, or what it felt like to smile with your entire body, or that flowers could bloom on your heart. I wouldn't have known that you could care for someone else to such a level in which I did. I would have no idea that I could feel so alive and on fire. I would have no idea that I could feel so safe and secure and like the world and everything else in it but him and myself was so far away. You showed me what perfection felt like.

October 19th, 2013

Hello Internet,

I know that I need to just let everything go, and do the whole focus on me thing, but I can't help but feeling incredibly lonely lately, and it makes me think that it's okay to settle. When I left him behind, I didn't expect to miss his presence this much all over again, but I do. When I remember that he's gone, I just want the attention of another guy, and sometimes it tricks me into believing that I'm into someone when really I couldn't be less interested in them, and that sucks.

Loneliness is about one of the worst feelings that can be felt, because it eats you alive. It's like you have this voice in your ear saying "maybe he's good enough, but christ find someone soon because I'm so alone." I hate that feeling.

October 15th, 2013

Hello Internet,

So I know that I'm really trying to start anew, but it's much easier said than done. I said that my entry last night would be the last thing written about a certain someone, that I got closure with, however that feeling of relief from the closure quickly changed to a feeling of heartbreak. I know that this person has literally wasted four entire years of my life, but I just can't seem to let him go. I honestly don't know what it is, but he has this hold on me, that I just can't explain. I'm supposed to feel free and relieved because I got a surefire ending, that I made sure happened, but instead I miss him. I'm honestly heartsick to my very core.

I received my graduation dress in the mail today, which was a huge moment for me. I was on cloud nine, because it had finally become real to me that graduation will soon be upon me, however in all this excitement I realized that I wanted to share it with him, and then it hit me that I couldn't, because I told him I was done with everything. It was like I collided with reality all at once. He is gone. I mean really gone. It's not just some fight that we always seem to bounce back from, it's him being gone, because I said I was done. For four years he's been around for me to spill my entire life to, my ups, my downs, he knew me to my very core. I feel like nobody has ever known me like he has, and now all of that is gone. All of a sudden I was completely and totally devastated, and even though it really is the right thing for me to be done with it, I wanted to text him and tell him to forget everything that I had said the night before, and that I needed him. That is honest to god how I feel, like I need him. How pathetic is that? How pathetic is it that I feel like I need someone to continue on with everything, even if that someone just caused me nothing but heartache for years now.

However, regardless of those feelings I know that I need to stand my ground and not give in. I need to keep in mind that it might not be fine right now, but soon everything is going to be alright. Soon not having him in my life will be easy, and I won't feel like I need him, because it's better for me to feel lost for a while than to continue to put myself in a situation that makes me heartbroken over and over for many more years to come. I'm just going to try and keep that in mind whenever I feel the need to tell him about whatever is going on in my life, and it'll be easier than I think, because I have an abundance of amazing people in my life that I can share all my highs and lows with.

October 14th, 2013

Hello Internet,

I don't expect many people to care, and I don't blame you, however it's time that I focus on myself for the first time in a while. Things are really great right now, I have the most amazing friends and family, all the support in the world, a plan for my future and I just recently found closure. A closure that was four years in the making, but most definitely closure.

I spent four entire years of my life pining over someone who I honestly think could care less about me anymore. Everything that I wrote for personal reasons in those four years was based around him. Countless excerpts, stories and poems, all written with him on my mind, and maybe this will be the last for a while. Nothing will ever change the fact that I was madly in love with him, and no one, not even him can take away the fact that he did indeed love me as well, even if for the briefest of moments, he felt something. He was my whole universe, and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't even know that you could feel a love that deeply. It was the most amazing of feelings I wouldn't change a thing about it. However, he also taught me to watch over my heart, and to keep myself intact, and to never just forget about who I am. I will always have a place in my heart for him, and no one or nothing will ever be able to change that.

Four years later, I've finally gotten the closure that I needed from him. Which means that for the first time in a while, it's time to focus on what I want. I no longer have to wonder if every waking decision that I make will be okay with him, because it doesn't matter and I've never felt more free.