#venting session

i am at my fucking limit right now besties. jeeeeesus. i think a lot of this *also* might have to do with the 2 month unemployment driving me crazy right now. but.

there's a dog downstairs right now that is crying, constantly, and when it's not crying, it's playing with a fucking squeaky toy at early hours of the morning.

then my roommates cat started SCREAMING like, LOUD as all hell for a solid half hour. I can only assume the roommates were outside smoking for part of this cause they were definitely home. after they left for work she started screaming again and i had to toss her into their room cause she was driving me insane.

they take off to drop the gf off at work just as i got up and i go into the kitchen and there is not a single fucking clean plate or bowl for me to use. NOTHING. I'm not even sure WHERE THE BOWLS ARE cause they aren't in the kitchen or living room. now, granted, we only have three of each thanks to breakage over the years, but STILL, there are THREE OF US!! AND THEY'RE MY PLATES! like fuck. i'm just now realizing they ate dinner in their room last night so they're probably in there, but like, you need to bring those out when you're done bro!!

now... when we first moved into this place, i made a deal with one of them saying "hey, i know you guys hate doing dishes, so i can deal with that on the regular as long as they're not caked on and shit as long as you keep on top of the garbage and recycling, and she can keep on top of something else". but that doesn't always happen, they do their own dishes soemtimes and it depends on like, who's home, who's cooking, etc. but 90% of the time, it's me doing it. which would be totally fine EXCEPT THAT THE OTHER FUCKING SHIT DOESNT GET DONE.

they have this "sunday clean" that they do that's big, deep cleaning almost and they only do it once a week. I don't know if that's why it's a "oh i'll take it out then" kinda thing or what, but like, if something is FULL, if the bag is TIED, it needs to go OUT that day, not fucking four days later when an entire second or third bag is needed to also go out. Like, don't get me wrong, things like deep cleaning the bathroom, cleaning floors, the stove/microwave, yeah, you can do those once a week, but like, if something is dirty, just clean it right then, it literally makes your life easier, and nicer. then you're not living in fucking filth waiting for fucking sunday.

this is especially driving me crazy cause i'm someone who likes to do a "house close" nightly before i go to bed. the kitchen is clean, the dishes are clean, things are tidy and ready to start the next day on a high point.

there's also something stinking up our fridge and yesterday they tossed out a can of something thinking that was it, like, besties, my sweet summer child, there are two containers or rotting fucking pancakes that i asked/told you about AT LEAST a month ago. cause i asked "hey did those pancakes you saved have blueberries in them?" i didn't immediately throw them away because they were in a tupperware and IMO if it's plastic and has mold on it, it's garbage, but they might not want to throw things away. i did it today cause im so fucking frustrated.

AND, while we're here i'm just gonna bitch about one other thing cause it's driving me insane rn. I know they don't have a lot of money, but like, they don't do a good job about allocating their budget. don't get me wrong, bills and rent are always paid on time, but like, fuck. we share condiments and i don't know WHAT they're using the margarine for but holy shit it disappears so fucking fast and i feel like i'm always the one buying things like that, or things like toilet paper. now, i can stash toilet paper in my room but i can't keep fridge things in there and i also don't want to start doing that and being "that roommate", ya know?

in regards to cleaning, i will say there are parts i don't mind and it balances out cause one of them will like, semi deep clean the bathroom usually once a week and i'm also much more a surface cleaner, so there are things like that, but today and right now holy shit.

between everything it's just super fucking annoying and i feel like i'm being a fucking parent in ways i definitely shouldn't have to be. i really miss living alone right now.

anyways, that's my fucking rant of probably the month. i know some of it could be smoothed over or talked about but really i just need to scream into the void for a bit and i'll feel better. like, the one not working today came home a minute ago and like, we're chill, i just need to scream and it not be at one of them cause they are my friends and i do love them and honestly i think all three of us hate confrontation so that certainly doesn't help

"I am my biggest disappointment and my biggest failure."

I have failed and disappointed myself over and over again for the last decade, if not longer, and I am at a loss for what to do. I have multiple declarations dating back like 5 years of change and investment into my life but after a day or two I am back to bed rotting and scrolling on socials, I am back to wasting my days doing nothing and hating myself for it. I haven't had a semblance of a life in almost two years and my days consist of laying in bed and neglecting everything else and I wish I could say it was because of my mental health but it isn't. I'm not depressed nor have I lost the "lust for life" rather opposite. I would love to be outside and live my life, meet new people, experience things and create memories instead of slowly killing myself within the four walls of my room, instead of slowly ruining my life at a time where its supposed to be my best years. I cant even tell myself that I'll change, that I'll do better because I never do. I never change long enough for it to stick and I always fall back into the life and routines of a person that I no longer am. I am no longer a depressed teenager waiting for some miracle to save her from her from everything and yet I find myself still imprisoned in that reality whilst holding the keys to the lock. I am my own worst enemy and I don't know how to stop sabotaging myself from serious growth. I don't know how to allow myself to open the lock to cell and let myself out. Its like I am waiting for some major revelation, like the secret to life maybe, that will reconstruct my mind and cause me to change everything, but the chances of that happening are next to zero so I am stuck.

I need to start acting and behaving like I am in control of my life because I am. I am like 90% responsible for the current state of my life, everything that currently exists in my reality is an outcome of a choice I made, big or small, and I have to recognize that and take responsibility for that. A majority of the things I hate about my life are outcomes of decisions I made previously, mostly those I made with no care about how they would negatively affect me in the future. The reason I bed rot and spend my days doom scrolling is because I make the decision to do so. The reason I don't have a social life is because I never leave my house nor do I make the effort to socialize when I do leave it. The reason why I dislike the way my body looks is because I eat like shit and spend my days bed rotting instead of exercising. The reason I am constantly stressed about school is because I don't go to class, I fail my tests and let my work pile up to the point where I literally have no choice but to do it because its due soon. The reason I hate my life is because because I make decisions everyday that make my life miserable. And the sad part is, I know this. I know all of this, in fact I've known all of this for years and yet nothing changes. Even after all this, I am probably going to hit "Post", crawl back into bed and doom scroll till I pass out. Thus cementing my first statement that I am both my biggest disappointment and failure.

>:C--Ugh, so much for my slow relaxing night. Fucker. He better hope the legis find him first cuz I'll kneecap his ass.

>> You're mostly grumbling to yourself as you stand outside The Pail Moonslight with a couple of your employees while said legislacerators take a look around inside. They've already talked to you and the others, and you showed them the feed from the in-store cameras.

The Series ended perfectly in my opinion. They were able to bring so many people back, I loved all the characters that were there (Main and supporting), the relationships that were set up and settled, even those that were HEAVILY IMPLIED (thiam was implied, that elevator scene denies any platonic or ally relationship)

And now years later you want to make a movie that dismisses everything with how the series ended?

I know people are looking forward to it but is it bad that this movie is basically going to be non-existent to me? One, because I don't have paramount plus and fuck if I am buying another subscription to watch it. Two, the movie really wasn't needed. I love the way the series ended and I want it to stay that way. I want to stay in my "Theo/Liam, Mason/Corey, Stiles is still around, Nolan and Alec appreciation, and so many more things" universe.

its not like anyone asked or im explaining myself is just that i think i needed to let it out? idk i've been away from therapy sessions for 2 months i don't know how to express anything at all anymore so this is me trying

Chapters: 16/? Fandom: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020) Rating: Mature Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Andy | Andromache of Scythia & Quynh | Noriko Characters: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Quynh | Noriko, Andy | Andromache of Scythia, Nile Freeman, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Additional Tags: fluffy af, as usual, Angsty shit too, Alternate Universe, Mission Impossible meets Uncharted, robin hood-esque, superhuman abilities, Not immortal, Oops, Nico is a cinnamon roll that must be protected at all costs, Joe is head over heels but hurting, Misunderstandings, Badass sassy lesbians who will tear down the patriarchy one creep at a time, Exotic locations, Party Crashing, bank heist, Escape from Prison, Maybe I'll take them to space, i dunno, Just having fun and building up anticipation, Enjoy!, What happened in Málaga?, kaysanova, Nile is finally here you guys!, also, Fowler. Andy's Rottweiler, He's so handsome I can't even, Some smut thrown in there too, Because I need some practice damn it, And it was actually kind of fun?, Slooooooooooooow burn, apparently, Booker is a bit of an ass, I love him in the film, But you won't like him as much here, probably, My first cliffhanger, i dig it, You might not, Things might get a little Uncharted-ish after this, Booker's on his way yo, Rating and Warnings have been updated folks, There is some blood and violence in this chapter

Act III... I think? I seriously don't know what's what anymore. Joe and Nico are having quite the night. My girls are up next chapter! Still not sure how to wrap this story up, but we're maybe 2-3 chapters away? Hope you have a blast with it! It's been such a fun ride for me. Hopefully for you too! ENJOY! 

Currently on: Chapter 16

Current Chapter Summary:

January 8th, 2020 – 10:30 p.m. (EST)

- Joe, come on! You gotta wake up! –

- Te juro que si no te callas, te vas a arrepentir de haber nacido, cabrón* – * I swear if you don’t shut up, you’ll regret ever being born, asshole

- Vete a la mierda, imbécil* – *Fuck you, prick

The punch is a sound Joe’s overly familiar with. Having Nico be on the receiving end by a stranger takes priority over the unpleasantness palpitating across his body.

As I got older I really wanted to take acting lessons, piano lessons and violin lessons but I knew they were way too expensive so I never asked. Because of that, my parents just thought I wasn’t into anything and spent their money on my brother playing football and I used to be so jealous. I hated my brother at one point but didn’t realise I was the one stopping myself from doing the things I wanted to do and I was jealous because I saw the way my parents were so proud of him and I wanted that...

Anyway, I just finish talking to my mom about this and she was so sad that she didn’t know that I’ve felt this way for so long. The last five minutes of our conversation was her telling me that I’m not a burden and it’s never too late to try new things...

Idk it’s kind of sad how the things you go through as a child grow with you as an adult. I didn’t even realise I still felt like a burden to my parents... but anyway we move forward...